A
female
age
36-40,
*eministafashionista
writes:My boyfriend of three years has been telling me all along that he never looks at other women, and has no interest in anyone but me. I never asked him not to, or expressed a desire either way but he believes it is so fundamental in his beliefs that there is no way he could ever find anyone but me attractive. I find this far too good to be true. And I am not concerned if he is checking other women out, I am concerned at the prospect of him lying all these years and therefore me not being able to trust him. He is a really decent man, works hard, studies hard, and treats me well all the time. I have always had trust issues due to my upbringing, which I am in therapy for.So in conclusion, do you think it is possible for a guy to not look when he is in love with the person he is with?He is open about the fact he used porn when he was a teenager, and that he would have checked people out before we got together but that he was never one to oggle or focus on it.Ok guys, I have a lot resting on this relationship, mainly we are thinking of moving half way across the world together. So I really need other people's opinions here. I have gone to him over this numerous times, and he actually broke up with me before because of how hurtful my 'accusations' were. I love this guy endlessly. Help me out.Thanks,Rainx
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female
reader, HereAreMyTwoCents  +, writes (30 August 2009):
 The only way you can settle this for yourself is to watch him in public when he doesn't know you're watching him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2009): Contrary to the opinions this is a self esteem issue, it is precisely as you called it: based on a upbringing glitch. As you indicated, your programming is to not trust. And as you acknowledge, your upbringing is at odds with your intellect. It's really that simple. Just because you've carried on a paranoia in your family or background doesn't mean you don't like yourself - you just need to reconfigure your perceptions.Try trusting; give it a shot. In your case simply choose to not care if anyone in a relationship scopes out other people. Choose to not care about it. Because, whether you care about it or not, this condition is out there - not with every man, but it exists anyway. So if you were to lay down your inner fight to feel panic for a partner's wondering eye, you do a good thing for yourself. You reduce your stress, take a lot off your to do list and feel at peace. This issue is 100% about how you feel which feelings are a direct result of the thoughts you choose to have. So remember: You don't have to be afraid of a man looking at someone else. And remember other's actions have nothing to do with you: people are 100% to blame for what they do and say. So your man's actions are all him and mean nothing about you.Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2009): Oh, if I could i'd like to add to Lonelytwo.. I didn't get the impression that she meant the everyday, looking around and seeing people. I'm pretty sure it's obvious that we will see both men and women around us, and by "look at" she meant "check out."
~Sy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2009): My husband has not looked at another woman since the night we met and he knew he liked me. Ha i'm not one to believe it either, but then one day I called his friend's phone because he didn't have one yet, and he said:
"Your boyfriend needs to chill. I pointed out this really hot chic to him and he wouldn't even look at her. I told him that just because you're on the diet doesn't mean you can't look at the menu and he said 'not when you have no interest in the menu, and don't want what's on the menu.'"
I know his friend didn't say that to his favour and make it up, because at the time, i showed no signs of not believing him when he told me he didn't look at other women.
It is possible. I have a friend whose bf is the same way as my husband. It doesn't mean that if a pretty girl comes and talks to him for some reason, that he'll be thinking of how ugly she is. It just means he won't be checking her out and thinking of how hot she is. Ok? So relax. A man can't hide who he is for three years. I had one try once, but he didn't get passed my paranoid claws.. muhahah.. anyway. goodluck.
Love. Trust. Be loved.
~Sy.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (29 August 2009):
Bloody hell woman. How hard is it for you to believe that this guy actually loves you?
If you have gone on and on and on and on about this to the point where he's dumped you for it, then it means one of 2 things.
1. You have such low self esteem that you need to take a long hard look in the mirror and just get over it. No guy wants to be with a girl that will moan on about how he will probably leave them all the time.
or
2. You don't feel as strongly about this guy as you think you should do so you are picking and picking and picking at this minor, tiny detail of your relationship to try and prove yourself right and have an excuse to dump him guilt free.
My advice: Do you want to be with him and take a risk or not?
Take a bit of time and figure out your true feelings, don't just over react with "OMG BUT I LUV HIM!!!1" think hard and question yourself deeper.
If you want to be with him then forget this stupid thing, believe what you want but just shut up about it and move on.
If you don't then admit it to yourself and make a clean break. Stop looking for excuses.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, Perspicacious +, writes (29 August 2009):
Just because a lot of guys do check out other women, it doesn't mean that all do. I've never been one to do it either, so at least two of us exist!I don't think there is much wrong with it, but if he believes that it would be wrong to do so then you have to respect his moral stance, and you should be glad you have found someone with high standards for his own behaviour.
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A
male
reader, Sphronas +, writes (29 August 2009):
 Has he given you any reason to believe that he is interested in other women? If not, why do you care so much about whether he is telling you the absolute literal truth when he says he never looks at other women? I'm sure he sometimes does, he would have to be a saint or blind not to. But what he is telling you is that he is not interested in anyone but you. And that would seem to me to be a good thing.
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