A
female
age
41-50,
*ll9880
writes:Hi,I have been in a relationship w/ a man off and on for 9 years. He's cheated in the past, been very emotionally and verbally abusive. Recently, he's been trying to make up for the past, however, he expects me to trust him again overnight. Our communication is non-existant. When I try to discuss something w/ me, he immediately gets angry, and the conversation escalates to an argument. I'm a very passive person, and just sit there and cry. His Mom past away in June, and his behavior has gradually gotten worse. He's gone out 3 times in the past 2 weeks and come home soaking in alcohol. He says he does not give a f*#@ how I feel, he's going to be a man, and do what he wants. When he's sober, it's a completely different story. I feel for him when he's sober, and somehow, feel sorry for him. I think we're getting back on the right track, and boom, something happens again. We agreed to try and have a good weekend this weekend, and if not, he would move out on Monday for 2 weeks to clear his head. I got home from work last night, and he was not home. I went down the street to a local bar we've both been to. He was there playing pool w/ a guy. He was very intoxicated, and embarrassed me in front of everyone. Yelling, pounding the table, cursing at me, you name it. I ended up walking away. My question is, do I hold out for the sober man I know, or leave the current drunk? It has not been an easy 9 years, and I don't think I have anything left to hold onto. I deal w/ it, because deep down, it's better than being alone. HELP!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2009): I recently was in a relationship with a drunk. We were together 18 months. I came to the conclusion the other day I can't deal with the drinking. We have been breaking up off and on for some months now. He admits he has a drinking problem but does nothing to change it. My advice to you is stay strong in your decision on leaving him. Stop feeling sorry for him. It’s important we love ourselves more because it's obvious they don't.
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (30 August 2009):
 Dear, you cannot fix him. Ever. Your only hope is to give yourself an opportunity to see other possibilities in your life. Possibilities that are currently beyond your imagination.
As other aunts have told you, you are already alone even though you are in this co-dependant relationship. If you can see a way to get out, you can put yourself on a path to a new way of seeing yourself and your relationships. Good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (29 August 2009):
 "Is being with a drunk better than being alone"? No, its not... emotionally and it sounds like frequently physically you're alone already. I don't support divorce...YET...but I certainly support taking action (separation). There is no need to rush to the divorce courts, you need time to heal and make your own changes... and there is hope for him just don't count on it.When a spouse is struggling with addiction, they need a very strong assertive partner... not a passive one that enables them to continue their downward spiral. Follow through with your plans for this weekend, knowing that he will likely fail (because he's an addict). Then as a previous poster stated take your two week break to make your strategy and seek professional advice.Based on the information you have provided it certainly sounds like you would be justified to get a divorce... the problem is that you still have strong feelings for him. Taking a slower plan (with lots of assertive action) will give YOU more time to make the emotional adjustments and ultimately if divorce results (because of his poor choices) you will be stronger and less vulnerable to repeating this scenario with another partner.Dr. James Dobson has a book called "Tough Love" and it is excellent. Al-anon is for family members of addicts and can give you a support system that you will need.God Bless you.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (29 August 2009):
 He needs a great deal of help. The alcohol is magnifying all of his anger issues and he has no self-control. Alcohol loosens inhibitions and so people do things when they are drunk that they would never do sober.
But it also unmasks a fundamental personality issue that's an undercurrent in his entire life.
He needs professional help. Until he sobers up and loses his anger and rage, he can never be happy and love you the way you need him to. I say "need" because love is a basic need in all of our lives.
You deserve to have a man who is devoted to you. Devotion entails respect, affection, love, care and emotion.
Half-a-man is not an excuse. He has to make himself better. You can't cure his alcoholism. Only he can.
A word on substance abuse which is a cautionary tale. People who use drugs of any kind to make their lives tolerable never mature. They remain at the chronological age when they started using. The reason why they never mature is because substance abuse entails loneliness and self-loathing.
When people drink socially, they are using alcohol as a lubricant. It breaks the ice and so forth. But when people use alcohol as a crutch, and they are depended upon it, it deteriorates their personality and infects the lives of all of the people who love them.
You love this man sober. But drunk, he's a monster.
The only thing you can do is convince him, in no uncertain terms, that if he doesn't get help for his alcoholism, if he doesn't start recovery immediately and stay sober; you cannot be around him anymore.
I am a great believer that when you love some one deeply, dearly and emotionally, you should never give up on them ever. But there is one exception.
Substance abuse is the one thing you can never cure a person of. Only that person can decide for themself that he or she will stop and never start again. Until that happens, no amount of love, emotional support, care or attention will break the addiction. In fact, it will probably reinforce it.
Therefore, if he refuses to stop now, the only thing you can do is leave him. If and when he finally hits rock-bottom, he will be so beaten down that he may, and I say MAY reach out for help. And when that happens, he will be able to rebuild his life and be able to love another human being. But until then, he is incapable of controling himself and is only hurting you. And by sticking it out with him, you may be reinforcing his drinking even though that is not your intent.
I am so sorry for you. I drank many years ago and I chose to stop cold. Although my life has not been happy all the time, it does not equal the misery that booze caused me before.
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A
female
reader, meforyou1988  +, writes (29 August 2009):
I think you should leave him and find someone who you could be happy with he obviously isnt going to help himself and while hes still drinking you arent going to get through to him. Surely you could do better best of luck x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2009): No, it's better to be alone! I think you're wasting your time with him when you could be meeting someone that treats you well and gives you the respect you deserve. It's been nine years, if he was going to change, he would have done by now. Plus, I always think that people can only truly change if they want to, and only for themselves. He doesn't care how you feel and/or doesn't recognise how his behaviour is affecting you, so he's not going to change. If you want to leave and you're strong enough to, but can't afford to move out or live on your own, then move back in with the parents, or with a friend.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (29 August 2009):
 No its not. Not to the average Joe Bloggs anyway. It depends what floats your boat though!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2009): The very fact you referred to him as 'a drunk' answers your own question. You shouldn't be with him. Have some self worth. If he was an alcoholic and was willing to admit this I would encourage you to support him in getting help but that, unfortunately, is not the situation.
Good luck and mind you. x
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A
male
reader, Perspicacious +, writes (29 August 2009):
From the age displayed it would appear that you have spent your entire adult life trying to make this relationship work. Where has all that effort got you?Clearly your partner has problems of his own, and the only person that can begin to solve them is himself. Indeed, before anything can get better he has to want it to!You had an agreement about this weekend and what would happen if it didn't work out. I would say you need to stick to that, so that both of you can have a fortnight to decide what you want to do next. He needs to decide if he really wants to sober up or not and start doing something about it.Equally, it gives you some space to look at your life and emotions, and begin to work out where you go from here. Being alone isn't that bad, nor is a permanent - it's a gap between relationships and gives you time and space to just do your own things, but it takes time to adjust to that. Indeed, if you have spent your adult life with this man, you could well need time to even work out what your own interests are!Maybe he will get his act together, but it is probably unlikely after all this time. But there is also a chance that once you experience life without this millstone dragging you down that the last thing you want to do is go back into what sounds a pretty bad situation.Good luck!
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