A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship for almost 5 1/2 years. I love my bf very much and I know he loves me. Our only big issue is marriage. About a year ago we broke up for about 4months because he wasn't sure if he was ready for marriage and I've been ready for a long time. After our 4months break we got back together he said that he was making the marriage issue to big in his head. We got back together I waited almost a year for a proposal and still nothing. He didn't like talking about UT much he said he always feels the pressure from me and my family he's 36 and I'm 31. 2 months ago I told him I needed my space away from him I told him that I dobt want to take my frusteration out on him and I needed time to cool down. A couple of days ago I got a message from him that the whole marriage thing stresses him out and depresses him he can't talk to me face to face cuz it hurts him too much. He said he's obviously not ready to commit and its not fair to make me wait, he saud he doesn't want to be selfish anymore. I told him I'm ready to compromise we don't have to get married I just want to be with him. He said he would never let me do that he said that he wants to be 100% in it if we gave it another chance. Is it over for us? Can I do something to help the situation. I'm miserable without him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2012): What does marriage mean to you? Could you really be happy giving up on such a dream? Something of such value and meaning for one man that his actions have told you- he does not want marriage. The thought of Marriage makes him act poorly? Give me a break. Selfish, lying, weak minded men are not marriage worthy. And he knows it. Then he doesn't have to be truly accountable, honest, loving, faithful to another.Some people detest such things as they do serve to hold them to a standard they know they do not want to live up to or uphold.I say you are mismatched.Its best you stand true to your beliefs and standards and wait and seek for someone better suited to meet your needs.As it stand, this man is bending you to his way, his needs by giving you the imitation of love and commitment without the declaration and promise that marriage and the vows and signed papers give to you both. Marriage is not one sided and was intended to bring together, unite, and solidify beyond mans reasoning. Its a standard that many still believe in, uphold, and live. It means more than the rationalizations of the world that its just an act.Its a sacared act that two people believe in, and seek to keep to one another that a mere, lets move in and live together cannot provide.Its a sacred act that has witnesses to testify two people do love and promise to love, cherish, and honour one another that a compromise does not provide.Its saddens me that so many have forgotten the importance and value of such a profound act of great love and friendship and what it stands for and says to friends, family and the world, how much two individuals care and love one another that they are not ashamed to DECLARE it to the world.To me, its not something to compromise. To me, no man is worth giving up on such a powerful means of union and utmost love and respect that can be demonstrated, daily and upheld daily; than in marriage.A Man In Love will Move Heaven and Earth for the Woman He Loves. Nothing, not even his pride, his ego prevents him from being at her side.*hugs*
A
female
reader, jinxx +, writes (20 July 2012):
 What this boils down to is that you want to get married, and he doesn't. He's not unsure, he's not depressed about it, he's not committed. He just doesn't have the balls to tell you that.
You're being strung along, here. As others have said, the amount of time you've been together is more than enough to decide whether or not the person you're with is the one you want to marry. It seems as though he's decided, but keeping you around with empty promises is more his style.
Do not compromise for this man. To let go of something that seems so important to you would be wasted on him. You need to make this break permanent, and move on. Find someone who will fall in love with you for real, and who wont hesitate to commit when the time is right. That guy is out there, he just isn't this one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2012): My ex was one who said he wouldnt give up his commitment to a social club he was a member of. We were in a ldr. Some of my weekends off (this was the only time we met, every second weekend ) he would blow me out cos something came up. I should of know by this that i didnt rock his world. Now hes with someone and he gave up his commitment to the club because he was not spending enough time with the new woman.
The moral is if he wanted to marry you, you would be his wife by now. Dont stick around to be his comfort blanket. Get out there and find someone who thinks so much of you that life without you would hurt too much and want to be with you and willing to settle down, and make you his wife.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2012): Outside of the marriage question, is he commited to you? Do you guys live together, can he see himself having kids with you?
Some people just don't like the idea of having an actual contract between 2 people. I'm one of those people, I don't understant marriage. I'm not affraid of commitment. I only think there are proof of commitment and love that are far more significant then marriage (having kids for example).
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (19 July 2012):
 Please make a follow-up submittal to tell us all how relieved you feel after you've dumped this committment-phobe, and how you're getting on with you life.... NOW on your OWN terms instead of frustrated by a guy who was stringing you along and was NEVER going to plunge his all in to a life, together, for the two of you......
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (19 July 2012):
Agreed. He isn't 100% committed to you, and it doesn't seem like he ever was.
Time to move on, because you'll only be resentful later on as this continues.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 July 2012):
 He will never be 100% committed to you.
if he was he would marry you.
while he likes you and may even love you in his own way... to be honest you are not the woman that rocks his world so totally that he would do what he does not believe in.
I learned this myself with my fiance.
when we met we were FWB (not saying that this works for everyone but it's my experience) and I was NOT available for any committed relationship (he knew this) and I guess the way I carried myself with him let him relax....
we had talked about how he wanted someone to be with but HE NEVER WAS GETTING MARRIED. He did not believe in it...
well that changed when he fell in love... we are getting married in October...
what it taught me was that men when they fall in love... get married...
my dear friends are getting married in september... it's their first... he's 52.. she is just the right girl for him finally.
If you want a permanent commitment from this man, it's not forthcoming... and he may not look for others or cheat on you but one day somewhere someone may catch his eye and be the right girl for him and he will then have a big problem with not wanting to hurt you but needing to leave...
I'd cut my losses and leave now...
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (19 July 2012):
 The problem is not that he doesn't want to get married, the problem is that he doesn't even want to commit to you. That, OP, is game over.
You are both on completely different pages here. Many people choose not to get married for whatever reasons they might have but they have the same commitment towards each other that a married couple would have. In your case your guy isn't even looking at commitment, forget anything else.
I think you should walk away with your dignity intact and not look back. If you have decided that you will not settle for anything less than marriage, then that's how you feel and you should stick to it. Don't waste your time for a man who still hasn't made up his mind after 5 and a 1/2 years of dating and 36 years of age. He has his views and you have yours, unfortunately they don't mesh so you have to move on. Sorry but such is life.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (19 July 2012):
 You are miserable with his non commitment too. Saying you just want to be with him, no need to marry would not work because after few years your issue has always been marriage. It won't be before long you start mentioning marriage to him again if you got back. I don't know if you talked to him about prenups maybe the finance is what scares him about marriage. Have you lived together? Or just spent weekends together?
For some, marriage does strange things to people. It's not just a piece of paper. Don't ask me what it's about. I have a friend who had been together 7 years with his girlfriend. They got married and then had trust problems. He had to separate and is now renting a room at my boyfriend's. He is all crying and depressed, but he is determined to get a divorce. It seems like marriage was the only thing that messed the relationship up.
He wants to be 100% in it the next time. Fuck that, he can say whatever he wants. If he contacts you again, then that's good, maybe you are not destined to get married. Just let him go for now. If you have a strong connection, stronger than a legal binding, then you are meant to be in the future. Some people are allergic to the word, the concept of marriage. Marriage is a proper thing to do but it's not for everybody. You might realize too, that surprisingly there are things about marriage that you are against.
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