| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: If one spouse is unfaithful to the other in marriage, when is it right for the honest one to date? Is okay when they have decided in thier heart they do not want to continue with the marriage, but are still married or when they finalize the divorce?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2009): you may have lost 5 yrs but now although it hurts like hell, you have the rest of your life. you say he is ready tomove onto another woman. he has proven,like so may others, once a cheater always a cheater.
at least you can move on, his poor wife is stuck with him. you will get through all this, just remember fool me twice and ........whose the fool
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2009): Yes he still living with her and still not divorced, but says she is not someone he wants to be with and he can't be with me. I think he is so unfair. He wants women to understand and put up with him living with her ,but you won't stand a chance if you do something and sincerely apologize. I think he is ready for the next woman now. I just hope I get over him soon. I'm heart broken. I went through 5 years with no one to be with on holidays waiting on him and this is the pay I get.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2009): well, what did he expect. for you to wait for the rest of your life while he sorted out his shit. do you even want to be with someone like this - controlling and too set in their ways. remember this, he was technically cheating with you while still living with her. so i think he is irrational and delusional. anyways is he divorced yet? is he still living with his wife? too convenient for this man. why shouldn't you go out, try to find the one really for you. i think you wasted precious time with this controlling man, don't you think you deserve more than this. he is so cold, so hard, he demands exclusivity yet he is still with his wife. he demands faithfulness while he is still married. run from this control freak. he will want to control you, if he cannot control you, he will try to destroy you. do not let him succeed. so what if you are presently single, enjoy it, but keep looking. there should be available men out there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2009): You see when I met him he said that she had wronged him and he was going to divorce her. He assured me that their were no dealing between them. I took him for his word but it seems like it was just to long. I ended up dating someone for a little while because he took so long. It was a lot of years that I waited on him. I'm single now but I still love him, but because of what happen he no longer wants the relationship, thats why I ask about the dating before or after the divorce. If had he been divorced I would have never dated anyone else things could have worked out between us, but even though he was still living with her and wasn't available like I needed him, he doesn't believe in second chances. He feels he's right and says he still does not want to be with her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2009): dear original poster. thanks for clarifying your position. here i was feeling so sorry for you thinking your hb did the dirty on you and now you have found another love to replace the cheating scumbag. so he never did get his divorce from his wife. did he string you along all these years. are you still with him. have you wasted your precious years just waiting for his divorce to be finalised.(therefore we say please provide more info in the initial posts)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2009): Thank all of you ,But its not me that was married. The person I was dating was and we got serious, but to me it was to long for his divorce. It was years and he never got it.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (2 June 2009):
 Well if you have already agreed to the divorce from both sides, and there is neither side contests the divorce, or tries to patch it up get to gettin on and gettin some strange.But of course don't be upset then if your soon to be ex hubby is planting stakes in another female!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2009): Life is to short… Things happen and we can only control our actions. What’s done is done! I know it hurts – but when a marriage is not happy it won’t work. If you have exhausted all your options on trying to work it out; starting dating and in the meantime start doing things for yourself… I wish you all the best…
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A
female
reader, Amy2007x  +, writes (2 June 2009):
 Yes!
My dad is doing that since my mum left him - why not!
what have you done wrong? Nothing.
Why should you wait around for something just to be "finalised" what will It change to be honest??
Get out there!
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2009): My wife was in the same situation as you are when she left her cheating husband 33 years ago. She found someone to date almost immediately after leaving him. He happened to be a nice guy and they dated for over a year. She didn't want to get too involved with one person so soon, so she dated a few other men during that time. It was both productive and counter-productive. She learned a lot about how different guys treated her and what she wanted, but it also made her feel bad about her promiscuity and took her many years to feel good about herself. She always wished that she had been less active, but it turned out good in the end. I didn't date anyone for months after my first wife left me and I think that worked well for me, so everyone is different.
I don't think there is any time that is better than another. It just depends on how you feel. If the marriage was essentially over for a long time before the break-up, then it is probably not bad to start to date soon. Some men and women end up jumping into bed with too many partners to make them feel good and I think that is a mistake, so be careful of that.
The only other caution that I have about dating before the divorce is final is that if it is a contested and messy divorce then the other partner could use your seeing other men against you in court. By the way, my wife and I were both about the same age as you when we ended our first marriages.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2009): just don't expect much from the new man, and don't settle for the 1st rebound relationship. it won't be fair to you and to the new man but plse make sure HE IS SINGLE. you wwouldn't want to go down the road of your cheating hb. you know what heartache and pain brings. so if you both are in the clear, why not? are you sure there is no turning back from your finished marriage?
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A
female
reader, TrueLoveCoach +, writes (1 June 2009):
 Dear Anonymous:
A word of caution. If you are simply dating for fun, no problem, although that is very hard for women to do, since we tend to fall quickly for someone we like.
If you want to date to find someone to share your life with, I would urge you to learn as much as you can about your Requirements, Needs, and Wants for a successful, happy relationship. Otherwise, you risk repeating the same patterns.
I wish that more people going through a breakup or a divorce would do this. They would avoid more trauma and increase their chances of a making a successful connection.
Hit the books and learn all you can about yourself and your behavioral patterns. You will be in a better position to judge whether a date is a potential mate.
I wish you the best of success in this new phase of your life, Michelle
Michelle E. Vásquez, MS, LPC
Your Successful Singles Love Coach
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A
female
reader, summerslady21 +, writes (1 June 2009):
I think it is fine. My ex husband dated before our divorce was even filed and I met a man 2 months after we separated and we dated for a while! So no there is no certain time to start. I was married 6 years and like 2 years into it I hated it he had affairs and was abusive to me and I just stayed cuz everyone said marriage is forever. Not always true!
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A
female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (1 June 2009):
 It is fine....there is no limit. You both have already decided that your marriage is over and have made the necessary preparations for divorce proceedings....enjoy your date.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2009): Well as the honest one in my marriage break up... I needed time to grieve first.. but if someone nice asked me out I wouldnt feel guilty about it, just because were not divorced yet. I've been on my own for months now bringing up our little boy and it gets lonely. We all need love and warmnth and shouldnt deny ourselves this. I would say if you feel ready to date then go ahead and get out there without feeling guilty.. and always remember you were the honest one so you should not feel bad!
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A
female
reader, misswalston +, writes (1 June 2009):
 I am still married, but 1 year ago I met a man and I have been involved with him every since. I am filing for a divorce, but you have already filed so in that case, I think it is okay for you to date. Have fun.........You can't be accused of adultery......
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A
female
reader, niki20 +, writes (1 June 2009):
 I don't believe there is one set time to start dating again. My friend divorced and she was dating before the divorce was finalized and she was very happy. I would give it a try if you want to. There is no law that says anything about it. And im sorry to hear what you are going though. But if you want to get back out there and try and be happy go for it.
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