A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is it normal for a guy you're seeing to tell you they'll always love their ex? This ex was actually his first real love, and I'm the first person he's dating after he's been with her. I'm wondering if it's normal because the last guy I dated had also told me early on that he'd always love all his exes and then he ended up reaching out to his last one while we were together (and of course we are no longer together). I don't want to fall into the same pattern again...Thanks for all your help.
View related questions:
his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2012): When I was 17 I met a 27 yr old man who very early on told me he would always love his ex more than anyone. I was too young to think too much about what that meant. After about a year, he had forgotten about her and was madly in love with me. Several years ago I met a love of my life, we split up and I was devastated. I eventually started dating a lovely man, and I can remembering thinking if my ex wanted me back I would probably go back. After a year or so, I felt I loved my new man so much and I would never go back to the ex. After three years I felt nothing any more for my ex. Everyone is different though.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2012): Only if the ex has passed, then it may be understandable. Otherwise, no way.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (29 April 2012):
 Nope. Not normal. Not unheard of but not normal and certainly not couth.
I may have been very fond of my former partners at the time, but I'm certainly not in love with them now nor do I know anyone who still habrours feelings for their ex.
You can't have a future with someone who is locked in the past. Send him packing.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (28 April 2012):
 It's not normal but you need to at least hand out points for honesty. And then dump them, of course. If they're not over their ex, well, then Just Too Bad. You're not some sorry second in someone's life and if a guy doesnt love you with all he has, then he's not the guy for you. Dont ever compromise.
...............................
A
female
reader, Latti +, writes (28 April 2012):
Is it Normal??? Yes & No....here it is....I have ASKED a few of my boyfriends about their past relationships. What happened & if he still loved any of them. Now, the only reason that I was privy to any of that information was because....I ASKED!
If you have that conversation with your guy, then yes, its normal for him to be honest & answer your question. Sure a lot of people may still care about people from their past.....but its a reason....they are in the past.
Now, if he's just volunteering you information about his ex & he's talking about her all the time. Giving unsolicited information....then NO, that's not normal & you should be concerned.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2012): I don't have time for people like that, I always dump them.
If you're only seeing him OP and he's already talking about still loving his ex's it's time to move on.
It's not normal OP but it is common and you have first-hand experience of what happens with people like that.
Don't waste your time with people who openly admit they'll always love someone else. You simply can't trust that they'll have room in their heart for you or that their ex may not come back into their life again and throw a spanner in the works.
I have had a few great loves in my life but no feelings for any of them anymore, I don't like nor hate them, I feel nothing.
OP dating is always a risk but there certain things which make people too big a risk, a history of cheating, using people and of course not being over their ex.
Make no mistake OP it's not up to you to spend all your time and energy trying to replace his ex in his heart. People like that are too much work, do you really want to have to do all of that extra work that Basschick says you'll need to do? Dating is about having fun getting to know a guy and perhaps going forward into a relationship. Where's the fun in looking over your shoulder, constantly on edge, always wondering if that ex is just going to come out of nowhere and destroy everything?
Move on OP, plenty of other guys around with a heart open to being filled.
...............................
A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (28 April 2012):
 I don't know. Nobody has ever said that to me. But maybe they just weren't telling me.
Or maybe you seem the kind of person they can tell things like that to, and they don't think you'll mind.
Normal to carry a tiny candle somewhere for someone you've loved in the past? That's probably normal. Telling your current partner about it? Probably a bit too much information ...
...............................
A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (28 April 2012):
 The romantic me wants to say no, it's not normal but common. The logical me wants to say this; where does the love go? Think about it. When you love someone and they break it off you don't stop loving them just because they're gone. It's like when your sweet old grandma dies. You still love her even though she's no longer there to receive and appreciate your love. But it still goes on. People's feelings don't evaporate when a romance dies. Sometimes they linger for years. Eventually as a person moves on and becomes involved in a new relationship his new feelings for you should replace the old ones and possibly he will gain "perspective" on his former relationship. In time he may see how wrong she was for him, when he couldn't see it before. Perspective is the tool that usually helps people move on from past relationships. I can't say those feelings ever completely go away because when they think of someone from their past they'll always remember "the good times"band those memories will always conjure up the same feelings of love. At some point in your relationship with this guy you will probably need to tell him you don't need to be constantly reminded that he still loves his ex. He said it once, that's enough. But also as the new person in his life it's sort of your duty to keep vigilent over his heart by quietly removing things from the home that remind him of his ex. His heart will never move on if he keeps her photos on his computer, keeps pictures or other tokens around the house as constant reminders. You will be living with her ghost forever. As your relationship with him becomes stronger and moves forward, you'll need to suggest that he pack up those things and put them away. He will always have his "memories" of her but he doesn't need every movie ticket, every hair comb she left behind sitting out as a reminder. That's when his love for his ex becomes a stumbling block for future relationships. Kindly, gently, patiently you as the new girlfriend have to make sure he's not still contacting her, not still hoping for her return; not still living too much in the past. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (28 April 2012):
 Is it normal?...well maybe not normal and maybe not very nice too. Who needs to hear that their partner is pining for an ex?...none of us and your guy is being really insensitive by telling you. Ok he will say he is being honest (and he is) BUT!!...it's a truth that hurts and makes you feel second best. Kinda like someone saying they prefer to date skinny brunettes to their girlfriend who just happens to be a chubby blonde!!! It's like saying ' You don't quite make the grade'
As upsetting as it seems, it's probably a good idea to let this one go so you can find someone else who is 100% in love with you and makes you numero uno!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, ToHereKnowsWhen +, writes (28 April 2012):
 No this is not normal. These are people that haven't given themselves time to get over their previous relationships before entering one with you.
If these guys want to keep loving all of their exs, then let them do it alone. If they can't or don't want to move on, it is sad for them and you are going to get hurt in the process.
...............................
|
