| A
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Hi. My question is quite a general one. I have noticed sometimes that my bf puts his friends/friend before me. Is this normal or is this a sign of immaturity? There is one friend in particular, typically I dont get on with him, there is no love lost between us and my bf sees him about 1 or 2 times a month sometimes more. He sees me 2/3/4 times a week,depending on our work patterns. I find myself feeling jealous and I hate myself for it but if I am honest, all of my bfs have found their friendships really important and I have always felt jealous. My friends are important too but I always put my bf first. Like for exmaple, if he had already arranged to see this friend, but that night was the night I wanted to see him, and it would be difficult for me to rearrange my time around, he would not ask his friend to rearrange, and if he did he would not be happy about it. Would like to hear from you, particularly some male points of view explaining why some/all men need to do this.
View related questions:
jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (21 June 2011):
 His behavior sounds like a guy who's still stuck in his 20's but someone in the 36-40 age group should start realigning their priorities if they want to be with a woman. I hate to say this, and there's no nice way to put it; maybe he's just not that into you so using his bros is an excuse to limit the amount of time he has to spend with you. It could be that he's just not ready for a relationship (also a sign of immaturity). It's probably not anything you've done wrong. You just want different things in life.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey there, thanks for your responses. I'll take it all onboard as you all kind of seem to be saying the same thing - that I am being over demanding and that I need to cut him some slack and let it go :-o
To Drew - we have been dating 18 months and the relationship, while it has been tough, i would say is pretty serious.
...............................
A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (20 June 2011):
It is definitely not a sign of immaturity, especially if he only sees this friend once or twice a month. That is hardly demanding schedule.
On the contrary, I would argue that seeing friends and being able to balance friends and partner is a very mature way of handling relationships. It is positively immature to want to always put your partner first and make your friends second best, especially if that involves having to re-arrange pre-existing plans with friends on the basis that the partner wants that time slot instead. It's not a good attitude to show friends if you always consider that plans with them are changeable depending on what, essentially, is a better offer from someone you share a bed with.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 June 2011):
 If he does it "some times " , it's healthy and natural. As much as everybody yearns for intimacy and romance , we all need friends too. Not always it's easy balancing a love relationship and your friendships ,but you bf seems to be doing fine .
If he has already arranged to see a friend , no, of course he is not supposed to ask his friend to rearrange , that would be awfully rude, it would not be very "friendly ", and it would mean... that he is acting like a lapdog, not like a boyfriend. ( Of course, we are always talking about a very reasonable proportion " friends time " vs. " gf time ", as the one your bf is mantaining.
If you have always sacrified your friends to the bf of the moment.... don't do it anymore :). After all, your exes have gone,... and your friends have stayed, don't they deserve some more consideration ?
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (20 June 2011):
I would also say that he is choosing you over the friend when you look at the maths. It would be a bad thing if he didn't have friends, because then he'd wind up totally isolated.
I think perhaps this is more about your own insecurity and the way you view yourself rather than whether he sees his friends or not that much.
It would be a bad thing if he didn't do what he's doing. You need to cut him a little slack on this one. You're not in competition with his friends. He's already dedicated to you, and any show that you might be unhappy about him going out occasionally, will make him think you're controlling and he'll start to have second thoughts.
This is something you have to let go.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2011): Hmm... look like you already received some good advice from people before me. I also would like to add that you should not put your boyfriend before your friends. The bf gf relationship is mostly temporary. Very few of them go all the way to married. However friendship is the opposite. Most likely your good friends will be your good friends for the rest of your life. My advice is when he goes see his friends, you should take the opportunity and go see yours. BTW I'm a guy. Even though I spend more time with my girlfriend(like what your bf does), I will never let her replace my friends.
...............................
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (20 June 2011):
if it's "some times" that he puts his friends before you, then yes this is normal and healthy and he should keep doing it.
just because you're in a relationship with someone (or even if you were married) doesn't mean you own them and that no one else has any right to their time and attention.
if it gets excessive then it's a problem for the relationship. If he were spending more time with his friends than with you on a regular basis, then it's a problem. But what you've described is not anywhere close to this. from the specific examples you gave, I think what he's doing is fine and healthy and necessary and you are being unreasonable.
You shouldn't always put your bf ahead of your friends (and conversely expect the same from him). This is an unhealthy way to approach your relationship. It will slowly and eventually kill your other friendships. Eventually you may find you have no real friends and that your one and only meaningful relationship in the world, is your bf. it's not healthy for you to have your world revolve around one person. (and it's not good for that other person to have the burden of being your entire world)
...............................
A
female
reader, SMARTERthaniappear +, writes (20 June 2011):
 It's a bromance =) It is sadly normal for guys to put his friends before his girlfriend. Emphasise SOMETIMES! If he always ditches you for the guys than that's a totally different story. 1 or 2 times a month doesn't seem like much to me, so he doesn't seem to be going overboard in my opinion. This doesn't though give him the right to get upset when his plans are changed for his girlfriend. He should be happy you want to spend time with him instead of feeling like you crashed the party. In my opinon men don't immature as quickly as women but that's not true in all situations. Men also dislike the feeling of being tied down. It's similar to when you were a teenager. You'd bug your parents to go to a wild party with your friends. Your parents would tell you no and when they fell asleep, you'd put pillows under your cover and sneak out the window. This doesn't mean that you love your friends more then your parents, but you do love your freedom. I'm sure your boyfriend loves you more than his friends so there's no reason for jealousy. As long as he's not befriending other women your relationship shall remain intact.HOPE I HELPED ^.^
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 June 2011):
 I have friends that don't get on with my BF, I see them without him. we actually spent the weekend apart since he went to see his friends and I went to see mine...
1-2-3 times a month... no biggie in my book...not all your friends will be his not all his friends will be yours...
how would you feel if you had plans with him and he asked you to change them to accommodate his friend? it's the same thing here, he already had plans...why should he change them? because you sleep with him? BFD...
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2011): What's not normal is for people in relationships to not have a social life. Cancelling your plans with friends to hang out with your boyfriend isn't healthy and the same goes for him. If your life revolves around your relationship and you have no outside interests then this will put too much demands on him for your happiness and he will grow to resent it.
...............................
A
male
reader, Drew21  +, writes (20 June 2011):
 1 or 2 times a month vs. 2-4 times a week?
That to me looks like he IS putting a greater emphasis on seeing you over seeing his friends, and i can kind of understand where he's coming from if he then goes to see a friend one night instead of you, if he had previously arranged something with his buddy.
I'm curious how long you 2 have been dating for? How serious is the relationship?
Trying to maintain a relationship AND friendships at the same time can be quite a balancing act, but i think it's actually very healthy for an individual to do so.
I made the mistake, one time, of completely devoting myself to a girl, cutting out almost all interactions with my friends to the point where they kind of stopped even trying to hang out with me.
Eventually the relationship ended, and i was left pretty much all alone to try to pick myself up afterwards. I really regretted the way i cut my friends out of my life.
I think you just have to give him a bit of space, ya know? Let him breath a bit.
In the long run i think you'll find it causes you to have a much healthier relationship.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2011): I think that if he see's you up to 4 times a week and his friend only once or twice a month then its a bit unfair to say that he is putting his friend first, hes just making the most of the time he gets to see him.
Also if he has made plans with his friend first you can't really expect him to ditch his friend for you if he sees you most of the week and his friend rarely.
Why dont you ask if you can all go out together, i understand that you don't like his friend but you could bring a friend too and this way your bf can spend time with you both without feeling pressured. :)
...............................
|
