A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Please help me I am so lost...I asked for advice a few months ago about part of my situation...I'm 21 and when I was just turned 18 I cheated on my then boyfriend with a guy who turned out to be a complete stalker/ obsessed compulsive lair. Let's just say I learned quickly from this mistake and broke off with my bf. The cheating was totally out of character for me, and I would never do it again and I am still so ashamed and regretful of it. I often think what the he'll was I doing but I was so young and stupid. Anyway, I met this guy nearly a year ago and immediately fell head over heels and he told me he loved me too. He'd heard the rumours about the guy I'd cheated with when I was 18 and about 3 months into our relationship kept asking me about it. It's wrong I know but I lied about it, I guess mostly cos I was ashamed, but also cos the past is the past and shouldn't affect my new relationship, I thought. So eventually the truth came out a couple of weeks later as he kept asking me about it. He then broke up with me saying he didn't love me anymore and he could never trust me, I begged him for another chance and now 9 months later he still can't tell me he loves me and is constantly throwing it in my face that I made this mistake when I was 18, telling me I'm a whore and I don't deserve him an he can never trust me cos I'm easy. Also I'm a very shy person and he's always telling me it makes me an easy targe for men, which I'm not. He's become so paranoid and jealous and controlling, like he works from morning till 9 at night and the days I have off twice a week I'm not allowed to go outside at all, without him. He's also physical sometimes. Is it my fault for lying to him in the beginning?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 April 2010):
 When you say "he's also physical some times ", I assume you mean he is physically abusive,right ?
So : your fault,his fault,my fault.... who cares???
Just get out of this relationship FAST. Like,right now . What are you waiting for ? To see how physical he can get and how much physical damage he can cause you ?
A
female
reader, Tashie08 +, writes (20 April 2010):
I too nce wen hrough a similar sitution in a past relationship, n he always used t sy it was my fault tha he was the way he was. BUUUT it wasn't. It was his choice to behave the way he did, and the same applies to you. It is NOT your fault, he makes that choice to behave the way he behaves.I would get out of their relationship sharpish if i were you, but if you do want to try an work things out, talk to him, tell him that you need a break to reflect on things and he needs to do the same. No one needs to be treated like that, but i he can't forgive you for a mistake hat happened ages ago, then you are better off looking for someone new.
Good luck hun and best wishes x
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A
female
reader, toniaa +, writes (20 April 2010):
 hi there
i really hope i can help you with this. okays you made a mistake when you were 18 that has got nothing to do with him as you wernt with him when you did this. he maybe feels that you should have been honest with him when he asked you about it but you had every right not to tell him but maybe shouldnt of lied that it didnt happen. And for him caling you a whore and telling you that you are easy for men who gives him the right to do so? he says he loves you if he loved you he wouldnt speak to you like this maybe he has been cheated on in the past and that is why he is behaving like this? When i was young i was with somebody and they where really nice to me at the start then he started to tell me what i could wear and when and where i could go out so i really thought about it and went and spoke to my friends and i finished it with him so i think you should go speak to your friends and ask them what they think you should do. i really think you should sit him down and tell him that he is hurting you by what he is saying ecause you are s much better than this. please get back to me i want to know what you decide to do x
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A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (20 April 2010):
 You 'are not allowed' to go outside... As if you were 10 and he was your parent. Dump this abuser and controlling person. Next time a new boyfriend asks about anything from your past you do not feel comfortable to discuss, tell him just that, I prefer not to discuss this, please respect my decision. Make sure with the passing of time that you can look back and not feel ashamed - it happened, it's done and you learnt your lesson, is what matters. He has no right to label you in that fashion. Ideally, when you are in a, say, long term relationship built on trust, you can be more open, and not fear how the other reacts when you breach a more delicate subject, IF you wish to, or that has an axe to grind. But from herein to an improved relationship as such there is much work to be done, some self-work to address your feelings of self worth, and open eyes to sharpen what you know about people, how you recognise certain types, etc. to choose better next time. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 April 2010):
 No it is not your fault. You did not cheat on this man and he as NO right to be upset and angry with you. Also the names he calls you are out of line. He has no right to call you that. What you did before you met him is in YOUR past, and I do not think you did anything wrong with lying to him about it, because it is honestly none of his business. He had no right to demand answers. I think you should leave him as YOU deserve better than a man who is so insecure and relies on rumours. He is only interested in bringing you down. Do not let him. He is not a real man but an insecure little brat. You learned from your mistake and you take pride in yourself. Do not let this man ruin your self etseem. You did nothing wrong, you honoured th erelationship you had with this man and never cheated on him. Even if you lied about your past he had no right in asking. I say if a man ever asks you these questions in the beginning of a relationship it says so much about his insecurities that you should reconsider being with him. I mean asking because of curiosity is one thing but repeatedly dig for answer, it comes off as odd and unusual. Be aware of this behaviour from men in the future and don't fall into the same trap. If a man is only interested in digging up dirt from your past, he is not loving and you should not be with him.
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A
female
reader, raiders  +, writes (20 April 2010):
 You did not lie you with held information about you and your past. So let me get this right, he dumped you for something in your past and you begged for him to take you back. Well sweetie I don't only think you might be shy but I feel you lack self esteem. You probably don't know any better but I will tell you A man who verbally, physically, and emotionally abuses his girlfriend/wife is not a real man. He is a bully and picks on an easy target. Those pieces of shits that call themselves man are really cowards who tries to show their bravery acting barbarian with their ladies, because they will tremble in man and man confrontation. I would suggest you dump this looser and get yourself a real man, someone who will love you, respect you, and trust you.
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