| A
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Is it just me or is anyone else getting scared as hell of the amount of unfaithful married couples goin on here? This makes me super frightened to be married! Dosnt anyone believe in a commitment these days? No wonder the divorce rate is sky high, no one knows what marriage means anymore. I know many of you agree with me, but I am shoked at how many people are looking for approval of cheating on their spouses! Especially the ones with children! Dont these people know what that kind of disfunction does to a child? guess you dont have to reply, but if I were to answer all the unfaithful partners questions, I'd be here all day! So, this is for you people who speak blasphamis wedding VOWS!
View related questions:
divorce, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Fiona xxx  +, writes (21 May 2008):
 I totally agree with VegasGirl15, and ditto everything she says. I am all for working through your problems, you make marriage vows for a reason, not to go off with somebody at the first hurdle.
Any relationship has its ups and downs. I like to hope we are secure. I know I have always, and always will be faithful.
We got married in a church. Even if you are not religious, there is a think called loyalty, love and working as a team. These are the thinks I believe in above all else.
We live in a throwaway society, but that should not mean throwaway lives. We all soak up hurt, and it stays with you.
I consider myself a strong minded person. We have been together for 11 years, and married for half that time. Why would you throw that away; it wouldn't make sense.
Life and relationships have their ups and downs, as long as you plod in the middle for most of the time, you should be fine. That was something a friend of mine said.
A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (15 May 2008):
 Apart from my ex husband being extremely abusive towards me, mentally and physically, he was caught red handed in our bed with another woman by me!
This particular incident happened after about 6 years into our marriage. My twins were 3 at the time. Right up until my children were about 20 odd, I never once slagged him off to them, or even bothered them with the issues I'd suffered in his hands.
I remained married to him for the children's sake, at first, and tried so hard for it to work...but the situation went from bad to worse, there was no way I could carry on living in the hell hole of that marriage. So I had no choice but to divorce him.
Yes I was so sorry for my babies, but I knew they would be safe and secure without their father around, I was going to make sure of that, plus seeing us arguing and literally physically fighting ~ must have been a nightmare for them.
He continued with endless affairs, has since married for the 3rd time. He has completely alienated them from his life and has done so since starting a new family 18 years ago.
I just thank whoever that it never had any long term affect on them.
Now you tell me if staying married to a cheat and a monster is easy.
BigSis
xXx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not sure what the definition is noramal is, I wonder if there is a such thing-lol. I mean we have evolved from thinking females are different then males and need to be treated differently. When Hinduism was founded in India-waaay back in the day, as it is the oldest religion on earth- females were consideresd propery, literally! We were bought and sold by men like cows. If we walked a couple of feet away from our husband, it was considered very disrespectful. If we were raped, we were stoned to death, by our husbands and fathers and brothers at our fathers door steps, and the rapist was not punished at all. Pretty horrifying, yeah? What I'm trying to say is that we know that way of thinking does not work, and even men can agree, so the "old school" idea of marriage has evolved, and even the idea that a married man could visit a brothel is looked down apon because we (or I) live in a place, where yes, females developed back bones and said, "screw you then, I'm getting a high paying job, leaving you with the kids and devorcing your sorry, cheating ass!" I believe we can label that as evolved. Normal? I'm not sure...guess that depends on how the higher sorce intended us to behave in "holy matrimony".
...............................
A
female
reader, daisydaresyou +, writes (14 May 2008):
Are you saying we've evolved since...when? The 70s? The 50s? The 20s? Not enough time has passed to say we've evolved and then devolved, surely? If that was the way, then this 'evolution' was a blip and we're back to normal now I guess.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, Bumpy:) My thoughts exactly! You had some very refreshing points, and seemed to understand my concern. THANK YOU!
...............................
A
male
reader, Bumpy  +, writes (14 May 2008):
Everyone has their reason for cheating. It worried me too but... I think cheating is more of a symptom of just not meeting the right person at the right time, or, just committing to someone before they're ready.
There's a lot of peer pressure in our society to fit the mold, that is, reach the same landmarks in life as everyone else, one of them being getting married. A lot of us get married for the wrong reasons. Everyone has friends who get hitched because they're having an unplanned kid on the way, and often they just haven't known each other long enough to see if they can work in the long term. Or a couple who desperately needed to get married because they felt like their time was running out. For these people, marriage becomes an obligation, and it leaves us unsatisfied; a symptom of it I guess, being cheating. Not saying this excuses cheating but, I guess people make mistakes but it's nobody's fault, if that makes any sense. Later.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThats true. However, we have evloved from that way of thinking, or at least I'd like to think so. So now that you have justified it like that, would you be ok with your partner doing it to you? I dont mean offence here, but in my opinion, justification dosnt make it ok. These are peoples emotions we are talking about. It's the root of how people behave. I am aware that it happend just the same back in the day, and I dont, as an evolved human, think it was ok then either. I am enjoying the contravercy here, and hearing what you all have to say about it. I remain anon for judgement sake, you understand;) To each his own. If cheating floats ones boat, I will try to stick with water.
...............................
A
female
reader, daisydaresyou +, writes (13 May 2008):
Umm what makes you think anything's really changed? The fact that people talk about it now?It used to be the norm for married men to visit brothels for sex so their wives could avoid sex which was considered 'dirty' and not for good women to do. That is still the norm in many countries. I live in an area full of brothels, in Korea, do you think it's only single men that go there? This situation has actually decreased since the women's movement, there are less brothels now (and more divorce - since women gained freedom to leave unhappy relationships).It's just people talk about it more, especially on websites where they can remain anonymous.Don't kid yourself the past was anymore 'moral' and marriage was more 'sacred' back then. It wasn't, people were just quieter and more hypocritical about it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Waz. I completly understand your points here, and if I, in any way offended you as a single parent, it was not my intention. I appologize. My points were not generalizing divorced family. Some folks are simply not compatable, and the best thing for the kids are to not be together. I was talking soley about spouses commiting adultry. Temptation is everywhere in society as one reply said, and I am just bummed at how married people cant resist. As far as unloading my issues on my kid, that was not what I meant. It hurts to find out that all while you were faithful, loving and trustworthy, your spouse was not. It caused me to have acute anxiety (which I was in denial about, because I was raised to be a strong woman). The anxiety was keeping me from functioning as 2 parents for my son, as much as I tried. It wasnt like I would see my kid, think of his father and mistreat him because of my anger with him. In fact, I took very good care of him. The anxiety kept me from giving him my 110%, you know? However, I do think you are right, and I now see marriage a little differently. Guess the spouses that cheat are good examples, because it makes spouses like me and others stand out in a very good way. The yin-yang theory:)
...............................
A
female
reader, Deema +, writes (13 May 2008):
 Yeah, I hear what you're saying. It is certainly a very different society now and temptation is rife everywhere, if you are so inclined. People don't have so much respect for other peoples relationships either it seems to me, and anyone is fair game. But there are so many different medias to meet people nowadays - mobile phones, internet, chat rooms, etc etc. So even if you're not looking for a different person in your life, one can come along and tempt you, and it seems many people are very easily tempted. Where is it going, what will happen? Who knows? I know things usually do a complete circle and go back - or try to go back - to where they were, and that would be great, but I think it has to get a whole lot worse before that happens, sorry to say. So for now, we hold on, live our lives the best we can, be honest, up front and loving. If thats not enough - then so be it. Interesting thoughts. thank you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd I agree, Waz, but certain mistakes become something way beyond a learning experience, especially when it involves God. I am not a very religious person, but I do know that standing before the higher sorce and having him, she or whatever, bless your promise to someone, that it's more than a mistake when you break that promise. Just like it's more than a mistake if you kill or rape. I'm not putting my theory of cheating spouses on THAT level, but a similar idea. As far as resiliance in children, I can see how they have a resiliance to falling out of a tree, or being humiliated in front of class, but when it comes to up bringing, there is no resiliance in a child coming from a broken home life. Studies show that a majority of children who have trouble in school, anger issues, social issues etc, come from a broken home. They are sponges, the absorb everything, especially from the ages 1 to 8. I see it in myself, coming from a very broken home, and in my son, who has a different father than my daughter. His father wasnt there for him, which effected me, which effectd him. Children have resiliance to an extent, but when it comes to a hard family life, it can be tramatizing.
I LOVE these deep conversations, so THANK YOU so much for your input:)
...............................
A
female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (13 May 2008):
 I think we live in a particularly complex society nowadays - and unfortunately the big push is individualism, and the idea that if it's broken you should just go out and get a bigger better one! The other problem is the "Disney" portrayal of "love"....it's no wonder people don't know how to treat each other in the long term.
What about all those messages we all get that cheating is OK or even sexy.... shows like "Mistresses", "Sex in the City" "Desperate Housewives"...to name a few that I know are very popular, or people like Oprah and Barbara Talyor using semantics to defend sleeping with married men....
Don't loose all heart though - I think there are still people out there who believe in marriage and monogamy, and in working through issues to build stronger relationships...
I hope you find one!!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGood point, Salad barbarian. Guess I let it get to me too much. I just wanted those people who want approval for cheating to understand my view of it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): I don't think cheating is as prevalent as this site makes it seem. If I were to go by this site I would think that all spouses cheat, all students want to have sex with their teachers, and men and women beating each other is the norm. People only come here when they have problems, not when their relationships are going well.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): Yes my only advice would be try and find some level headed person that persues a hobby other than the opposite sex.
This way you can increase your chances, they are out there, they just won't be found hanging around in bars and watching porn.
Good luck
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh, for sure! I meant anyone in general. Yeah, I feel for those guys and the kids involved. Maury makes a killing from it though. I just dont understand how someone can swear, before God, that they will be completely faithful, and then run around having affairs like filling their cars with gas! OOpps, ran out, better stop and get more! I have kids and have a perfect concience of who their daddy is. But I know many females who cant say the same, and it totally bums me out. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but my word is golden, so when I told my husband that my love for him is exclusively for him, I meant it. It wasnt hard. He is the only one for me, always will be. I'm learning that those feeling are rare, and its just a bummer, you know? I hope more people can build integrity and good moral and understanding when it comes to marriage.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): As a guy what freaks me out is 1 in 10 kids are calling some guy "daddy" who isn't aware that they aren't his kids.
Girls at least have the advantage that their kids are always their own.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): I agree with you it's insane !!!! I hate the thought of it . I want to get married some day but that does concern me too. I've had a BF cheat on me B4 and it was no walk in the park .
For anyone out there that is cheating and being unfaithful they shoukd be struck by lightning !!!! lol
I'm serious tho .
in the one days every one stayed together they worked it out and were faithful! what ever happened to that ?!?!?!
I have amazing Parents !!!! they have been married for 19 going on 20 years . And thats my inspiration!!!! they have never cheated and never gotten divorced or married to anyone else b4 they met each othe . yes they have had a few problems but who doesn't . But they are doing well and that means you could too. just becasue some people can't be true to one another doesn't mean you have to be the same !!!!
I hope this helped :D
I wish you thre very VERY best!!!!
*~VG~*
...............................
|
