A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys :-) I was just hoping for some advice. I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years and I think of myself as a really good girlfriend to him. When we first got together we were both in very good shape. However over the years we've both put weight on. I'm currently 5'7" and 195 pounds (13.9 stone) at the moment, or a UK size 14 (I believe that's a US size 10. However I do carry my weight well, I'm very curvy but have a small waist, but my boobs and butt are big. My partner was equally overweight until recently, as he's been going to the gym and on a diet - though if I'm honest he's become a bit obsessed and spends most his time watching bodybuilders and boxers on YouTube. I do try to eat healthy but I've put a lot of weight on since changing jobs, as I'm now sat at a desk 10 hours a day. I know he's attracted to very skinny girls though he'd never admit it. Also I do get male attention quite a bit and I get asked out a lot, but don't think my boyfriend finds me attractive anymore. When we were on holiday a month ago I was looking for something casual to wear to lunch, and put some little shorts on. My boyfriend made a face at this and said to wear something longer - he said that the shorts weren't a good option for me as I'm very 'volumptuous.' I found this hurtful but let it go as I didn't want to spoil our holiday. Well last night we were getting ready to go out for a meal with his family, for his mother's birthday. I spent ages getting ready, and he twisted his face at everything I tried on. I tried one particular top on, and asked if that was ok- to which he made a face and said it was 'alright.' I asked 'just alright?' and he snapped at me 'it's alright!' I was happy to wear it until he reacted this way, which made me feel self conscious and so I tried on some other things. He was in a bad mood at this point and told me I shouldn't wear that top because I was 'bursting out of it' and it was too small for me now - he said 'it's way too small for you now, it just doesn't fit you anymore, but I couldn't exactly say that could I?!!' Then I started crying and he went downstairs in a mood. He's since told me he loves me but I feel so hurt and ashamed. I think he should be the one to make me feel good about myself, but instead he makes me feel enormous. I have been trying to lose weight, but he has just made me feel so ugly and hurt. I put on a brave face last night in front of his family but haven't been able to speak to him properly, he did tell me he loved me this morning but apart from that has not tried to speak with me, and I'm still feeling so upset and can't bring myself to speak with him properly. I feel as though he's disgusted by my body.How should I react to this? Should I expect this because of my weight? Should I confront him on it?Thank you so much for reading x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2017): I wanted to add another perspective. It seems like part of his answers are more motivated that he doesn't want you to show too much skin, or be too sexy rather than thinking you are fat (this could just be you reading into his answers). For example, maybe he didn't want your butt hanging out at the beach, because he doesn't want other guys staring. YEs, when you get a bit bigger, your butt gets rounder. I am slim-average but with a round butt and my boyfriend asked me to cover it up before walking down the beach because he didn't want me showing that. Most men want a "lady in the street" as the saying goes.Secondly, he didn't want you to wear a skin tight shirt when you were meeting his family. You were probably busting out of it. Same thing, where he doesn't want you to look too sexy in public. He wants you to dress appropriately and save the sexy stuff for when you two are having time alone together. That is probably why he got mad about the shirt. It looked like you were trying too hard to be ms. sexy with a shrunken shirt for dinner with his family!Now, I think you need to ask him about these incidents, because he is the only one who can tell you why he reacted the way he did. But, I think you are jumping to conclusions assuming it is your weight when in fact it may be that he just doesn't want you flaunting what you got in public (And your old clothes now flaunt more than before).
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2017): Wow. I find it very odd that people seem to see being a sick as the same as not lying to you. My husband tells me I'm beautiful everyday. I've put in weight, I've lost weight, I'm beautiful to him. He would never say to me 'that's not a good look for you as you're very voluptuous' because it's rude and mean. Yes you asked for his opinion, that doesn't mean he gets to be an impolite are a
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 August 2017):
 Necessary disclaimer : I believe that beauty comes in all sizes and shapes. I think that a woman can be sexy and attractive , in her own eyes and in the eyes of men, regardless of her dress size. You don't need to be rail thin to look good- I mean, like : Kate Winslet ? Christina Hendricks ? and so many other curvy beauties. But, let's forget curvy- let's go directly to fat. Plain and simple fat. Fat women can be very attractive too. Think Queen Latifah in her heyday. Or plus size models Tara Lynn, Olivia Campbell , Bishamber Das, just to name a few.
Lookswise, so, ( healthwise, alas, it's all anotehr story.. ) there's never a " weight problem ". You have a weight problem if you decide that weight is a problem for you . But one could decide NOT to have a problem with extra weight and to be a proud BBW.
Or else, of course, one could decide that she does not want the extra weight, that she only likes herself ( and other people ) at a smaller size , that being slender is equivalent to be and feel attractive- and at this point one should work hard to shed the weight ( diet, exercise, etc. ) AND accept that , while the work is in progress but the objective has not being reached , she is not perfect and not in the best possible shape.
You seem to have chosen a third, ineffective alternative: you hate fat and see large women as ugly- but you try to minimize how large is your " problem ".. You console yourself with cliches : " I carry my weight well " " I am proportionate " " guys ask me out " ( I know I know, been there done that ... ). Look, fat is fat. Lots of people do NOT have any problem with larger , heavier bodies. Some in fact prefer them ! But if you are not among those, it's not seeing yourself as you are not, and trying to wear clothes that burst at the seems, that will make you slimmer.
I feel bad saying this ,but I think it needs to be said because you are in total denial : At 5'7'', 195 ponds ( 1,70 cm., 88,5 kg. ) you are at least 20 kg. overweight. No way that you can fit in an US size 10 ( UK 14 ) ! Size ten is slender-ish. I used to wear a size 10 in the good old times when I was ,at most , 120 pounds. I remember that I tried various times to " cheat ", wearing a size 10 shirt (which I needed ,being top-heavy) and a size 8 skirt ( I had a slim waist and slender hips ) yet I looked like a sausage in its casing, from the waist down. So, size 8 is really small- and size 10 is bigger ( duh ) but not that much, it's still a slender-to-medium person size.
Now, if rather than buying yourself new clothes in the right size that would fit and flatter your current shape, you choose to try and squeeze yourself in clothes of the size that you used to be in the past , or that you will be again in a next future ( ..I have no doubt about this . Do not get discouraged. Be patient and persistent ) - then , if the poor boyfriend even notices, and , if asked, comments about how inappropriate this is.... then he is the bad guy, the meanie, the jerk- and it's all his fault !
This is as if you had been invited to a pool party, and , rather than showing up in a swimsuit, you had shown up wearing a ball gown , a mink stole and a diamond tiara, and then you had pestered him to know if you look good and if he likes your attire... Well, erm, uhm- no he does not. Obviously !
Of course there are tactful ways to say things, and not so tactful- but if you act , and dress, in a way, that would challenge the patience and supportiveness of the Dalai Lama ... I guess you might have seen this coming.
OP, your bf does not have a big problem with your weight, YOU have it. You can solve either deciding that you don't give a fuck about not being Tinkerbell; OR that you do care about becoming Tinkerbell and striving for that goal. But not by forcing your bf to watch is mouth ,least he should " insinuate " that you aren't quite Tinkerbell yet.
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (28 August 2017):
 Hi There,
Your feelings are perfectly normal. I come from a culture where people tend to be very blunt and a cousin of mine commented that I was "going to rip through" the dress I was wearing. I went home and looked at myself, realizing that my bust had gotten bigger and there was definitely more of me than there had been before lol. I was ashamed and cringed at the thought that I hadn't noticed but then, I decided that I had to do something. At first, I was motivated by my rude cousin's words. My whole goal was to shame them by showing up to the next family function with a "hot bod." But then, it slowly morphed into me just being healthier/stronger.
Your boyfriend does seem to love you and like most people, perhaps went the wrong way about motivating you to be on the course he's in. Men (and women) say stupid things all the time.
Unfortunately, it really isn't his job to make you feel beautiful. Of course, it's nice to hear and it helps the self-esteem, but you're the one who has to build yourself up and put value in your own beauty.
Still, I think you should communicate to him how you feel. Have a real conversation with him where you let him know that his words/reactions have been hurting you and that it's not okay. Ask him how he's really feeling and please, do not let him demean you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2017): Why not join a weightloss organisation.
It has the advantage of being non judgemental and gives you an honest weight from the scales.
They give out tips and hints and mark it on the chart to see which way you are going.
I joined one once and found it easier than trying alone.
I had just polished off a leg of lamb single handedly followed by a huge box of chocs the next day!
This turned out to be my last food binge for some time as I took up sensible eating and cut out the bad stuff.
The weight fell off and then plateaued and then fell until I was triumphantly skinner.
But I liked my skinny body no better!
My breasts had sagged to sad little sacs and I decided to put weight on enough to fill them out again.
So I started eating fattening stuff again and these days I just tone it down if I look puffy but I also never get so skinny that my breasts cant bounce!
Its not something I worry about anymore but if I did find I was unhappy because of my weight and felt I needed a bit of help, then I would go back for some more food awareness advice.
Just because it is factual rather than emotional and they will tell you if you secretly put it on and get you back on track to be the weight you want to be.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 August 2017):
 I absolutely agree with YouWish,
You were both getting "fat" (as you put it) and he has actually done something about it and maybe he thinks by NOT sugar coating his answers to you, he hopes YOU will get your butt in gear and get healthy as well.
I really don't get women who want their partner to lie to their face when it comes to their bodies. Because they certainly don't want the partner to lie about anything else, so why that?
If you know he is BLUNT when it comes to what you can/can not wear (in his eyes) WHY ask him? You are a grown woman who can undoubtedly dress without needing HIS input. Be in short shorts or dressing to go do family stuff.
And TBH he isn't insinuating that you are fat, he is telling you that your clothes are getting too small to fit "nicely". Which I would presume is the truth?
I have been 70 lbs overweight. NOT fun at all. Nothing fits right, nothing feels right and nothing looks right.
While other men might see your curvaceous figure as attractive (and it probably is) HE has seen you at a much slimmer and more importantly HEALTHIER version. trying to SHAME him for having a preference for a slimmer woman or even a slimmer version of you, it's unfair.
My husband like big girls, I'm no longer a "big girl". But I wasn't a big girl when we met either. I lost weight for ME. To get healthy again and to not feel disgusted for the flappy arms and fat rolls.
I think he wants you to be motivated to lose weight, but the way he is going about it? Kinda disgusting. It's NOT a great way to motivate someone by making them feel like shit.
So DECIDE for yourself if you WANT to get back in shape and lose weight or not. And then GET to it.
And I would also stop asking him for advice when it comes to clothes. He is letting his annoyance with your lack of fitness spill over in a really rude way.
Now, COULD he probably tell you in a LESS rude manner what he thinks? yes of course. But when it comes to men and the question - "does this dress make me look fat?" or" Is this outfit OK?" they really can't win. If they tell the truth they are being hurtful, if they lie... well, then they are liars... see the problem?
So should you confront him? Well, you can tell him that the WAY he expresses his opinions is hurtful, that it really doesn't motivate you at all.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 August 2017):
 The way I see it, you have two separate issues here:
1. Your current weight and your emotions surrounding it
and
2. Your partner's weight loss and subsequent crusade.
Let's hit the first one first:
1. Your weight. You know how it happened. You were with your partner for 7 years, both got comfortable with it, and both started eating more than you were burning in calories. Getting to nearly 200lbs doesn't happen overnight.
The way you talk about your weight and how you got there, for example:
"However I do carry my weight well, I'm very curvy but have a small waist, but my boobs and butt are big."
"I do try to eat healthy but I've put a lot of weight on since changing jobs, as I'm now sat at a desk 10 hours a day."
"Also I do get male attention quite a bit and I get asked out a lot,"
"I think he should be the one to make me feel good about myself, but instead he makes me feel enormous."
You have made an intricate emotional tangle of denial, to be honest. Your partner isn't being cruel to you by calling you names or fat-shaming you. He is telling you the truth, and it does hurt. It wouldn't do you any favors to pretend you haven't gained weight (I know you're not pretending), and if you're wearing things that no longer fit you, you're still seeing it through the eyes of the past, which try to shield our egos from the truth.
We'll get to your partner in a second, but I want to stay on your weight here. One day, you'll look back and wish that you had spent all of that time being hurt or in denial on actually CHANGING your eating and wellness habits.
You guys in the UK have this phenomenal show I've seen episodes of on Youtube called Secret Eaters. Excellent show! I'm sure somehow, the TV hacks here in the US will find a way to re-package that show into an inferior US version, but the UK version is so much better! Anyways, it shows people who have slowly gained weight over the years who don't know how it happened, as they believe they weren't overeating or were eating healthy, so they got cameras in their home (which they knew about) and Private investigators followed them around at work and social engagements (which they DIDN'T know about), and they had a massive eye-opening of the denial they were in about their diets.
You should do something about that which you're not satisfied with in your life. See a dietitian, get a metabolic analysis, and follow a plan, and you'll pass up your partner like he was standing still!
Which brings me to:
2. Your partner. He's made his decision to lose weight and has started up. Now, he's putting psychological and emotional pressure on you to join him, and you're resisting. He shouldn't be doing that for two reasons. One - he can't control you, and Two - he should have his weight down for awhile before becoming smug about his weight loss, because most people who go dieting end up putting it back on. He needs to be patient with YOU, because it *is* easier for a guy to initially take off the weight, because muscle mass burns calories faster.
It is NOT your partner's job to lie to you about what you look like. He DOES love you, but YOU are in charge of making yourself feel good or not good. He's not shaming you by telling you that your clothes have become too small. Have they become too small? Were they what you wore 50lbs ago?
Sometimes love *IS* telling someone the truth, and then being there for them when it stings, and offering support for you as you decide what you want to do.
You do not HAVE to lose weight! If you are happy as you are now, then he should either accept you as you are, OR he should leave. But everything you've said shows me that you are NOT happy as you are. I for one don't want to be lied to in order to feel better. He loves you, and as you know that he tells the truth about what you look like in certain clothes, he's also telling you the truth about loving you.
Lose weight and get healthy for YOURSELF, not to please him. Change one thing about your diet or your exercise or both. Start small, and you will feel good about it with no help from him! If he was calling you bad names or constantly ripping on your body, that would be different, and then I'd say drop him, but he's not doing that.
Good luck in your weight loss! And - decide whether you want him to be honest about what you look like in certain clothing, or if you want him to compliment you no matter what. Even if he did tell you how beautiful you are, that he loves you at any size, you wouldn't believe him. Wouldn't that hurt, knowing that he was just saying things not to hurt you?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (27 August 2017):
 Amazing how telling you the truth (that you are trying to squeeze into a top which fitted you two sizes ago) is taken to mean he is disgusted by your body. You asked his opinion and he was (perhaps brutally) honest. Are there other things which make you believe he no longer finds you attractive?
Just these two examples of interaction between you make me suspect you are in denial about your weight gain and still trying to wear clothes which suited you when you were much slimmer. While there is nothing wrong with any body shape, you need to wear clothes which actually fit you and flatter whatever shape you are. Would you rather he had said the top was great, just to keep you happy?
Sitting at a desk for long periods of time does not mean you have to lose your shape. Are YOU happy with your new shape? I suspect you are sensitive about it, given your reaction to your boyfriend's comments. In your shoes, given how upset you are about the comments, I would use this as a starting point to getting yourself back in shape. Go jogging, or cycling, or take up another sport which appeals to you. It is pointless trying to commit to doing something which you do not enjoy as you will soon make excuses not to do it. You don't have to do the same stuff as your boyfriend if that is not what interests you.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (27 August 2017):
This is a very hurtful situation for you to be in,and most unfair of your boyfriend.Just because he has lost some weight does not give him the right [1] To hurt you about your weight..if you are healthy and fit and happy the way you are that is your right.However if you want weight loss for yourself,maybe think of walking and watching your diet.Do not allow your boyfriend to put you down..and i would certainly question the dept of love he has for you or not.Have an indept talk with him on this matter and beaware what he has to say.Remember we are treated the way we allow people to treat us.Kin regards NORA B/
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A
female
reader, MissKin +, writes (27 August 2017):
 It's understandable (but NOT acceptable) that he suddenly seems to be being negative about your appearance. If he is suddenly so into his own shape and weight then maybe he wants you to be the same? Maybe it's all gone to his head and he's forgotten that he loved you the way you are and shouldn't expect you to be anything else.
Firstly, are you happy with your weight? Do you think you're attractive? Do you feel good in your clothes? If your boyfriend had never made a face how would you feel in yourself? If you are happy and healthy then you are fine. Losing weight is a long hard battle and women find it harder than men. A desk job makes it even harder. Do not let this man take away your confidence. Do your best not to let his opinions impact your own. Love yourself and know that his opinion is not 'law' and does not reflect anything about you and only reflects his own shallowness.
Secondly, you need to talk to him. Tell him he needs to be honest. If he wants you to lose weight then he needs to be up front about it. And then you can decide if you want to lose weight for YOU and for your relationship, or if it's not worth it. You won't maintain a weightloss if you're not doing it because you want to Hut because you're being 'forced' at the threat of losing your long term boyfriend.
Gaining weight can impact on how your partner sees you, but I think he should get over himself and accept you how you are. If he was worried about your health. That would be more acceptable but instead he appears to be concerned with how you LOOK. Which is not the same thing.
If he was on here asking what he could do because he was no longer happy with your weight, I'm sure he'd be encouraged to ask you to exercise with him and create healthy hobbies to do together and to eat healthily and take cooking courses together. So maybe there are some options?
The way he is reacting is not okay. It sounds to be like he has an issue with your image but is not mature enough to discuss it.
If you didn't want to change and he was going to continue to be a prick, I'd wonder if it was worth it. How long can you deal with grimaces when you try on clothes and negative comments about how you look? It'll slowly eat away and you until you've no self esteem left. Tread carefully and remember your worth and your beauty is not decided by his biased opinion.
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