A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Before you read this. Please try not to pass judgement. I know it may be difficult for some of you and you may not understand the way I am feeling. To be honest I would pass judgement on people like me before I actually felt this way. I have been in a relationship for 7 years. We got together when I was 18 and I love him very much. We've had our ups and downs but have always been together and have never really split up. The past few years for me though have been tough. I feel like I don't want to have sex with him and usually force myself too. I'm still young so don't feel this is normal. In October I cheated on him. I was very drunk and hooked up with a guy in my new job. The guy became very obsessive and it was the biggest mistake I have ever made. However my new job was full of men and I was working along side my best friend. I loved the male attention I was constantly getting and it felt like it filled a huge hole that was missing from my relationship. I feel my boyfriend doesn't pay me compliments, he acts like I am his best friend. I have tried copious amount of times to explain this to him but just results in an argument. I eventually got rid of the "guy" as it was a huge mistake. I have been speaking to another guy I used to work with. There is nothing romantic but he just speaks to me. It's very difficult to understand but I feel like I want a double life or I want to split up with my boyfriend but I don't. It's like an addiction. I feel so so so horrible and it's depressing me. My mum has also just been diagnosed with cancer. I feel like my life is just so confusing just now and I don't know what to do. I am such a horrible person but I don't know where my head is at and I am so confused. I love my boyfriend dearly and he is so intelligent he has a great job and supports me but there is something missing. I don't want to split up for him but I am addicted to craving attention and imagining a double life that I don't want to have.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2017): You will get no judgement from me honey . I totally understand that society completely demonises women's need for emotional support whilst holding men's sexual needs up on a pedestal . If a man complains that he doesn't get enough sex people say give her an ultimatum or take a Loveridge just use pirn which in my opinion. Ard all going outside the relationship, but if a woman doesn't get emotional needs met she 'choose him' and needs to deal with it and too bad
Sweetheart you need to follow that heart and this relationship is not meeting your needs . LISTEN to your heart ! Not a world that ignores women's needs . Trust me , I'm almost 50 and lived most of my life following what society said was the 'right thing ' all because it served men and society best ( and hurt me )
Get free , free of everyone . Focus on YOU , spend the time with your mum and perhaps some therapy if possible . You have plenty of time . Just discover what that beautiful precious soul of yours needs and deserves and fill your life with those things xx
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (29 August 2017):
You need to break up with your boyfriend. Your relationship has run it's course. It happens. It would be better for you to end it now before he finds out you're cheating on him.
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A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (28 August 2017):
You need to go to therapy, and if possible, go to couples therapy with your boyfriend.
He needs to learn how to express more his love to him, and you need to learn to control those urges for attention an sex.
Being in a monogamous relationship is really much harder than what it seems, specially when you are surrounded with guys all the time being the only woman.
A therapist might also be able help you cope with your mother's cancer.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2017): My dear, we have to call it for what it is. It's called "cheating."
Relationships all hit a plateau, or a stagnant-point, where certain deficiencies become prominent. When you have communicated to your partner those issues that dog you, and have tried to explain your needs; but they can't, or don't even try to meet them. You don't go outside the relationship. You end it. You can rationalize until the cows come home; but the relationship died the minute you invited a third-party in. Then you begin the performance of faking faithfulness and monogamy. It's strenuous living a lie.
Trying to hold onto something reliable and dependable; but supplementing on the side is still cheating. You're trying to maintain something you know will be there, while you step out and get a few extras to makeup for shortages. Living on unearned love and trust like a parasite. That is the excuse the majority of cheaters use. I swear, people can come-up with some very compelling arguments for cheating; but hell spills over when the shoe is on the other foot.
When you don't get what you need in your relationship; you don't hang on to it for the sake of convenience. He's broken-in, you have somebody already in-place and don't have to face lonely nights. You have the second-income to help cover the bills; and he's predictable, and knows all your routines. I don't have to build from scratch, and God knows I don't want my friends to know our relationship collapsed! I'd be without a man!!! I'd have to find another, and I'm not up for all the trouble!!! I would be lonely and he'd go out and find somebody else to replace me. I'd rather keep him and cheat. This is what goes through the mind of a cheater.
The fact is, cheating is betrayal. Devaluing trust. It's pretending you're getting along fine, when you're not satisfied. You've decided you will have your cake and you will eat it too! You would rather preserve the facade of happiness for the sake of appearance and the convenience; rather than be honest, and just let the person go.
Oh, the most common and convenient reason is always; "but I love him/her!" When cheating becomes an option to a breakup, you don't love them. They're a piece of property you don't want to give-up and part with. You don't want the thought of someone else appreciating him/her more than you did. The most selfish of reasons is, you don't want them to find someone who will replace you that would be better for them. Who would make him or her happier. Such is the dilemma a cheater must face. We all must face. So, cheaters opt to keep them, and just get what they want on the side; while deluding themselves into believing this is okay. Because I have extra needs that must be met. They're not being met, you're getting fixes like a dope-fiend.
It's cool as long as I don't get caught! But you will get caught!!! It will cause a lot of pain. You will be dumped. He/she will eventually find a replacement, and find their happiness without you. Why shouldn't the one you've betrayed find their happiness without you? Cheating is telling them they've failed at meeting all your needs. They're inadequate, and their performance is insufficient to fully satisfy your needs and expectations. Being honest and breaking-up keeps your values in-tact, frees them to go find someone with less needs and expectations; and frees you to upgrade. Or, to meet your special-needs not requiring a committed-partner to satisfy.
You're ready for your freedom and independence. You've outgrown your relationship. You will have to undergo the stress and strain of withdrawal and detachment; and you will have to endure post-breakup recovery. As all adults must do; you have to survive growing-pangs, be detached, and become single. Learning to survive on your own is a must; not an option.
Scary as it is; you're very young, and you're built for it. Youth has resilience, and you'll spring-back before you know it. Jealousy for your mate doing the same, and the hit the ego takes when they find someone else; is often why people stay together, when things no longer work in their current relationships. Everyone slips and makes mistakes. It's not a mistake when you do it over and over. Then it's a habit.
You may simplify it as only wanting attention; but the fact you've had sex with other guys (and once blamed it on the alcohol) says it's much more complicated than that.
Cheating is too drastic of a measure to take, just for some attention. Don't you think?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (27 August 2017):
 Firstly, big hug. I hope your mum gets through her illness ok. If you need support, Macmillan Nurses are always available to help patients and their families with practical advice and emotional support.
Regarding your relationship, ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life feeling like you do now? Lovely and supportive as your boyfriend is, it sounds like your relationship may have run its course. You hooked up when you were very young. For a relationship started at such an early age, it has lasted remarkably and unusually long. You are a very different person at 25 to what you were at 18.
You have talked to your boyfriend about your needs but he seems unwilling/unable to change. You now need to ask yourself if you want to live in this environment where you feel you need outside stimulation to be happy. Or do you believe, as I do, that you are too young to waste your life in this way?
You need to make a decision one way or another. Perhaps you could see if you boyfriend will attend relationship counselling with you? If not and you have tried to explain to him what you need, then perhaps you need to call it a day and move on with your life. Do remember, however, that the excitement of the new does not last for long. If you get addicted to that "new" feeling, you will just keep hopping from one involvement to the next.
It's a difficult decision but staying with your boyfriend and cheating on him is going to blow up in your face at some point and is not fair on him either.
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