A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Is it enough to want a divorce because my husband won't be intimate with me? It has been this way throughout our 25 years of marriage. He is a wonderful man and every one loves him, my friends, family, our two 20 something children. He would do anything for anyone. But I could prance around in the most seductive outfit and he might say..really? or "I am just really tired". It has been so hard. We are great friends and a good team. But I feel sadness a lot. I need a boyfriend! I have even joked about that and he will say "oohh honey". aghhhhh
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2012): You have stuck this out for 25 years, why the sudden need to divorce? Have the children left home now?
Diabetes can cause erectile problems but he has not had that for 25 years.
I would think long and hard before you do anything,definately go to a sex therapist together, explain to your husband how you feel and why you want to go.
No you shouldn't have to put up with lack of intimacy at all. Certainly not for the whole of your marriage,most would have strayed or left years ago. Perhaps you just dont do it for him, he could have stuck around because you had children. It wouldn't matter how fit you are if he just doesnt fancy you.
Only you know what to do or how much this affects your life,dont throw away 25 years till you have tried everything
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2012): Ok. Thank you for the additional information. Clearly the problem with your husband is medical. Diabetes is a major destroyer of man's libido.also Diabetes is a very serious illness if unchecked. It destroys the vital functions and organs of the body like loss of vision, destruction of the kidneys and heart, and lead to imputation of the legs. So your husband must control his sugar levels if he wants to stay alive.your husband clearly is lazy so You have to be the clever party here and convince him to change his life style if he wants to lead a healthy life. He must exercise and walk more.there is no guarantee that his libido will increase but atleast he will not be a burden on you in later life. I think you are a very decent lady for not wanting to deceive him and you should remain so because deception will not help the situation. It will only inflame it more.However you should develope a life of your own. You should take up a job if you don't have one now and learn a skill if you don't have one. You should continue to keep fit and care for your beauty and develope a whole independent life of your own. Take more interest in life and interact with people around you. You will soon find alot of admirers around you and see how it goes from there. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 August 2012):
 Is it enough, from which point of view ? Legal, social, religious, spiritual,emotional,...?
For the law, it is more than enough, it is plenty. In my country you could not only file for divorce with imputation of fault ,, but, if you happen into the right judge, you could ask for, and be awarded , a succulent compensation for "existential damages ". Having a spouse that refuses sistematically to perform his coniugal duties in private, while in public he keeps up all the appearances of a normal, happy,loving relationship, DOES impact a person's health, self esteem and quality of life - no doubt that his neglect has damaged you greatly.
Curiously enough, some churches take me stand too. If you were Catholicould ask for the annullment of your marriage with many chances of seeing it granted.
When people commit to love their spouse till death do part us- "love" means ALSO physical love, providing of course that health conditions allow it.
So,yes, generally speaking it would be more than enough.
But generally does not cut it because it is only your personal subjective point of view that counts. YOU are the one who has got a partner that would not touch her with a ten feet pole, YOU are the one that knows how this feels to you- indifferent,bearable, unbearable, excruciating. You know the way you can , or cannot handle it. You know if it makes you just wistful, or downright miserable. And you are in position to weigh all the pros and the cons, if what you 'd stand to gain from terminating your marriage is more, the same, or less than what you would stand to lose.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (6 August 2012):
 I understand how you feel. I think if you feel you are ready to move on, that is what you should do. It is a hard call sometimes giving advice as we don't know every detail about your situation. You have provided some additional information on your post here.
I agree with DoubleM in that it would be very sad to live the rest of your life without passion and intimacy. The decision is up to you, but you definitely have a right to separate or divorce and find happiness.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your responses. To answer some of the questions out there.... There was really no courtship as I became pregnant 3 months after we met. So we married really for that. So I was 20 with a baby on the way and then one two years later. There was never any hugs sparks when we first met I guess, but he was so nice to me. I had a very strained relationship with my mother as she was always extremely critical of me, really never felt that unconditional motherly love. So I believe that was the initial attraction to him. So we married and it was always a struggle to get him to have sex with me. I felt like the guy in the relationship...guess I have a pretty good sex drive for a woman. So, yes, it was there from the beginning and remained that way throughout our marriage. So it made me fell unloved. I do love him and want him, but need him to feel that from him. I am tired. He has no impotency issues...all is working fine when I finally get him into the bedroom. And, yes, I have tried everything and have so many outfits, enjoy porn, toys, etc. I am quite uninhibited. I just feel I am mismatched. He is happy. I take great care of myself, yoga and am into a healthy life style. I get compliments from men that I eat up....but want that from my husband. He has let himself go and now even has diabetes. He has a sit down job. I am tired of not having the right kind of man in my life. I am active and feel so much younger than my years. I do not nag him, I let him know how much I appreciate how hard he works and how good he is to my family. I love to cook healthy meals and take care of our home. I have voiced my concerns for years in a gentle and loving way. I have been to a counselor. I have tried so many things to be happier in other ways...a grateful journal, gardening, helping others. I am just so tired of not having a lover.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2012): There are a few informations missing to be able to give a sound advice. e.g:did you go through a courtship period before marriage? and did you notice before marriage that your husband had low libido?You say it has been always like this. Was it really? or are saying this out of anger? because that is hard to believe since you have stayed together for 25 happy yrs and had two children.Don't be sutprised to know that maybe 80% of married couples stop having sex after 25 yrs of marriage. that does'nt mean they stop loving. there could be many reasons for stopping sex but main reason is that men lose their libido with the advance of age and deterioration of health, money worry, problems at work and disappointment and frustration with life.Also as a male I am going to mention another major reason which I think many aunts are going to disagree with but believe me it is true: i.e: nagging, wife letting her looks go down, gaining too much wieght,disrespect towards husbands family and friends,critisizing, siding with the kids against the husband,and many many other small things which accumulate over time to drive the husband away.So pls think about all these before making your decision.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (6 August 2012):
 That is a very difficult decision, I must agree. But some degree of intimacy is part of life, and we only have one life on earth. The lack of sexual satisfaction may not improve in years to come, unless your husband changes his ways. Some consulting may or not help. There must be some reason for this problem.
Do not go by what we say on this Web site. We try to advise, but you must decide. I've known girlfriends who are still very sexually active after age 60. According to your posting, you are much less than that age. And it would be disappointing, in my opinion, to experience the rest of your life without intimacy. The friendship with your husband could continue, even if you should choose a separate existence. As "eddie85" suggests, there will be other considerations - financial, social, etc. Weigh all that.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (6 August 2012):
 The short answer is only you can decide what you can live with and what you can't. There are many consequences to leaving your husband -- no matter what the issues are. While on the surface it may sound simple, but if you really start to think about it, your decision will ultimately affect him, your family and friends -- and you financially. Can you truly live with the consequences of your decision, no matter what you decide?
I would urge you to talk this over with a professional. Whether it is a therapist for yourself or a sex therapist for the two of you. You need to get this problem out in the open. You sort of allude that this has been a long term problem -- and my concern is that either your husband could be gay, has a health condition that is affecting his libido, or is selfish in not recognizing your needs.
Everyone needs to feel loved and I understand the pain you are going through. I truly think you need to take action -- praying and hoping isn't going to make it better.
But whatever decision you take, remember, there are pros and cons and your decision will affect others.
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2012): is it possible he is impotent and is embarasshed/ashamed to bring it up to you? maybe hes experiencing some deficit and is feeling guilty.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2012): let him catch you pleasuring yourself, he may offer you help1 or be spontaneous, seduce him! you could tie him up, massage him, tease him, watch porn together just think up something that may ignite the sexual fire inside him! But i agree with everyone else, dont throw away 25 years of marriage just because your not getting any!
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (6 August 2012):
yes it is and it is also an acceptable reason for annullment of marriage.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (6 August 2012):
I agree with the other posts, but I also know what it feels like to be in a relationship with no intimacy of any kind. I also know that you cannot force someone to go to a good sex therapist if he doesn't want to. It's a nice thought and a good one, but if he thought there was a problem, he probably would not have gone 25 years without seeking help from someone.
On the one hand, I know how devastating this can be. On the other hand, I know how hard it is to find a good loving man. Have you tried talking with him about this? I mean, really talking to him and telling him how it makes you feel? Not just "I need a boyfriend", but it makes me feel sad that you don't want to have sex with me. I would like to work on this." You could also tell him that you've considered divorce, but that you love him and would prefer to work it out some other way.
When I was in this situation, I was extremely lonely and sad. I felt like sex was an expression of our love and without it, it just wasn't worth it anymore. But, I had not been married for 25 years either. Twenty-five years is a long time to build a life together and then just say "goodbye" over sex.
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A
female
reader, misfitschik66  +, writes (6 August 2012):
 It sounds like you still love your husband and it sounds like he still loves you so you have to ask yourself is this love worth throwing away because the sex is not their any more?
Honestly in my opinion no it's not worth throwing away..sex problems can be fixed and throwing away a marriage with love in it can't be fixed
like Abella said you need a good sex therapist before you go making decisions to get a divorce and you also need a good couples councillor so you can discuss the lack of ability to communicate to him that you want sex!!!
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (5 August 2012):
 First find a good professional Sex therapist who works with couples. Your marriage sounds as if it is worth saving. But your husband has lost his way sexually along the way. It must be soul destroying for you. It can't be good for him either. Maybe there is a medical isssue as well so he needs a thorough medical to check out everything.
Then into the professional sex therapy
He is in denial if he thinks this does not matter as it does. But your approach, born out of extreme frustration and understandable, is no longer working. So I think you need some additional support, just so he can understand the severity of this issue and how if affects you.
As you are such a great partnership I think I would try a professional sex therapist before making the drastic step of divorcing.
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