A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have noticed this kind of question comes up a lot on this website. Is it very common for people to be signed up to dating websites whilst in a relationship. I have found my boyfriend to be doing it and lying about it. when he is not able to lie, he says it was just harmless flirting and he wont go on them again, but he always does. Why if it is harmless and means nothing, does he keep risking us breaking up and causing so much trouble. I am now thinking he will do this forever and nothing will stop him. What is it with him?
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male
reader, MikeFlarity  +, writes (28 November 2012):
 Have any of you ever TRIED to get them to stop sending you emails?I had an ex that actually got mad at me becuase I had an online site that I used a couple years ago email me asking if I wanted to reactivate my account in my SPAM folder!So, I only ask this due to personal experience...do you mean he's active on the site? Because if he is, I believe it is time to post your own profile on that site and see how he likes it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2012): You know what? I just recently posted a similar situation to this, and you know what I think? I think it is a way of being an abusive jerk-off - especially when the guy knows you're the snoopin' type. They like knowing they have this little passive-aggressive shizzle hanging over your head like a threat. Know the stats: Men's profiles on most dating sites outrank women's by like 10 to 1. I'd also guess that probably at least half of the men's profiles belong to either marrieds, attached, or troll-like creeps that need Narcissistic Supply to even feel like real men. Also remember: If he's on a 'free' site, the true intentions of most of these Societal Leftovers are less intentionally loving/true in their motives; because , well, IT'S FREE....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2012): It looks as if it is getting very common for people to cheat on dating sites. It also seems like there`s a far higher chance of being caught on them too. It comes across as being very desperate to me. If I ever have to go on one I think it`s time to give up.
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female
reader, Jeanette82 +, writes (23 November 2012):
 I was like you. I was looking for reasons and wondering how I would change things. I`d had it all. I was lied to, made to believe I was seeing things, made to believe I was being jealous, I was called abusive, I was told I was invading his privacy, and when there was no getting away, I was told it was my fault for not being sexually adventurous enough. It points to a need for attention and admiration. One person alone cannot feed that need. Just end it and have absolutely no contact again.
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male
reader, Byron Temple  +, writes (22 November 2012):
It is disrespectful and it is also abuse. You are allowing him to do it, so he will carry on regardless of what it is doing to you. I think the only way out is to dump him.
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female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (22 November 2012):
Btw, if someone is serious about you, does not want to lose you and adores you, then the last place they will be is on a dating site.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2012): Has he mentioned any faults with you or your relationship? Has he said if you dont change or pay attention he will go on a dating site to find better before dumping you? I bet he hasnt. You know what the truth is No one on this site can change it. Make your move.
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female
reader, delightful84 +, writes (22 November 2012):
I can only translate this one way. He is only with you because he cannot get anyone else (hence dating site). He does n`t show his face on this dating profile does he? He must be causing you so much embarrassment and making your self esteem non existent. You are better than him by far. You can do better than him by far. The rest is up to you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2012): I have lived the same life as you. Leave and do not listen to bull shit, do not accept any blame or feel guilty for leaving. Ignore him completely. He will tell you he loves you but he will fall in love with someone else just as quick. I agree, dating site addicts are different than the rest of us. When you see his date profile this time next year say good riddance. My ex did it for 4 years, 6 months on and still does it now, and still hasnt told anyone the truth about why I left him and still claims "I" hurt "him." Nothing ever changes for some folk.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2012): the question is this. do you want to be with someone who gets his kicks from sitting in front of a computer looking for a date like he is shopping? it sounds very sad to me.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2012): A cheat who needs a dating site is desperate to cheat.
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female
reader, thinkb4 +, writes (21 November 2012):
It is common for cheats because they think they wont get found out. It seems there is actually a bigger chance of being found out. Also, because its "only online" they think they can just talk their way out of it (as you have seen for yourself). You would do far better leaving this guy to his dating site and finding a better life. It`s him who`s at fault, not you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2012): Maybe it is getting more common because dating sites give the ones who are not so good looking a chance to cheat, where they dont get that chance in their real life. If you think this guy is special and you wont do better, think again. If he was really that good, he would have done it without the internet. He's a loser hun. You are better than him and you wont need a dating site to find a better man.
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female
reader, Jeanette82 +, writes (21 November 2012):
I am one of those who has put up this type of question. I feel for you because I know about the confusion, all the anxiety and misery you will be going through. The only realistic answer to this is to dump him 100%. No contact, do not read his bs texts or allow him to convince you he has learned his lesson. I really believe people like him and my ex are a breed of their own. I would forget trying to understand it, because you probably never will.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2012): i'll tell you what, join a dating site yourself. I bet he wont see that as harmless flirting. If i was you, i would have dumped him a long time ago. He has no respect for you. How much more proof do you need?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2012): When I first started dating my boyfriend, he had an online account with a dating site and yes he did use it.
We were not yet to that that exclusive part of the relationship in not dating anyone else.
BUT, when we did go exclusive, he was still on that dating site trolling or looking at other women's profiles, but there was no correspondence between any of them. I know, because I snooped.
The online dating site he was on he did not renew once it ran out.
It depends upon the level of commitment you have and what stage you are at in the relationship.
Clearly, your boyfriend lying to you leads to the question of what else he is not truthful to you about in your relationship and if they are any doubts and the red flags are waving I would be seeking another boyfriend.
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male
reader, somewhere_between +, writes (21 November 2012):
 He has made a joke out of you. If you stay with him you deserve that staus.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2012): I once joined a free dating site and rejoined again three years later. It was still the same people on it after all that time. What does that tell you? Once an internet dater always an internet dater. It could be they are addicted or it could be they never get any offers in the real world. I think in another five years your partners profiles will still be on them. I would leave him in that world and get a better life for yourself.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 November 2012):
 As for common, I guess it is somewhat common. For people who are not serious about their current relationship.
They love the ego boost of seducing and being seducted by strangers, the novelty and excitement it brings in a life often not too stimulating, the idea of having countless possibilities ... a bit like a kid in a candy store. Or an adult going window shopping , even if ,deep down, he knows that ultimately won't by anything.
Then, is it all just innocuous, harmless fun ? heck no. First, a man ( or woman ) really in love would not get any kicks from Internet fishing, - he / she has caught his/her prize fish alreday, and is not interested in more attempts. I think that if one keeps fishing , it is always with the idea that somewhere there must be a bigger better salmon...Second, regardless of being crazily in love or not, if two people have agreed to be committed and monogamous, that, IMO, also includes giving up "vanity flirting " or " recreational flirting " , in favour of focusing all the erotic and affective energies on the relationship.
Why does he keep risking you breaking up ? because he does not risk anything ! and he knows it. You caught him several times, but you never put your foot down and nip the problem in the bud, you have meekly swallowed his excuses. He knows by now that the worst it will happen is taht you'll moan a little then will be easily appeased by his platitudes ...so why should he stop ?
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (21 November 2012):
 I dated someone for 3 and a half years who continued to lie and use internet dating/hook up sites. Even when we lived together for a while, he still did it.
The guy had a very strange view of women, was an extreme flirt and cheated on me so many times I lost count.
I tore myself apart, blaming myself and trying to find a reason but in the end I realised this was just the way he was...a cheat, a liar and it was clear he'd never be faithful to anyone. I ended the relationship and moved on.
Four years on he is still up to his old tricks, has the same 'romantic' bull on his profile, where really it should have read:
'I am a serial cheat who is just looking to sleep with as many women as I can without getting caught'
My advice would be to not waste a single second of your life trying to work him out...let him go and find yourself someone more faithful.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2012): He has no respect for you. I would finish the relationship now. He will probably pretend to be the victim and play down what he did. He may even try turning it around on you with a few allegations of his own. Ignore anything he says. Dont let him in your life again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2012): To answer your question:
"Is it common for people to be in a relationship and signed up to online dating sites?"
Yes, its very common for people who are looking to have an affair or leave for another woman/man.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2012): I'd say your fella isn't totally satisfied being a one woman man.
You should talk to him about this and get straight to the point. Tell him you want to know why he keeps doing it and you want the TRUTH, not some crap about it being harmless fun and then telling you it won't happen again because it clearly DOES.
Tell him if he's not happy in the relationship and he wants to leave, then he needs to get out, because you won't be kept in the loop just until a more ideal woman offers herself to him.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (21 November 2012):
 let's not focus on the actions so much as the solution. I notice a lot of times people post there side of story and it's a different deal you may be in long time relationship but he may not want to be because you are not compatible. it could be you only see one perspective, yours. if I'm online I look for friends. Socializing communication the physical relationship happens to come with it. Because most of the time in my relationships I deal with selfish lovers users and abusers. Open minded open relationship type people so I become one. And persue what I want. who's going to be in one sided love sex or whatever, not me. They may be happy, but not me. I like pleasure to much to be hit without vaseline over and over. So I will be like future I'm looking for .... turn on the lights. people play to much want to act like they are the perfect partner best thing since slice bread so worthy respectable trustworthy and loving and caring and there not. lol not by a long shot bad actors. please get your show scripts and lines together.
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (21 November 2012):
Wow. He's got the nerve to be caught on an online dating site and playing it down, making you look like an idiot. You're not.
It is absolutely NOT common for people to be in a relationship and signed up to an online dating site.
To me, it sounds like you're a good thing in his live that, sadly, he is taking for granted. Like a spoiled kid in a candy store who thinks he can just have everything.
As Cerberus said, maybe you should give him a reason to be on those sites ;). But I'm almost sure that if you do, he'll be all pathetic. Texting you random whiny messages at 2am when he's drunk and such, telling you that you were the only one blabla.. sorry, this is just a guess, I don't know the man.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (21 November 2012):
 Even in a best case scenario, your boyfriend is leading himself to temptation and possibly stringing other women along. People who've had affairs don't just wake up in them. They all started somewhere.
Your boyfriend is seeking out other women and making himself visible to them, and he's lying to you about it. This is a bad sign.
This kind of thing can become addictive. The rewards are immediate and the pursuit is easy (if he takes appropriate precautions). Too easy to do and too hard to give up, so yes, I do believe he'll keep at it.
I think you're already thinking the same thing we are and that this relationship is over. You would not be making a mistake leaving him behind and moving on.
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female
reader, 1ConfusedChick +, writes (21 November 2012):
My ex-boyfriend would go one a free one. When I caught him, he said he just liked talking , and he wasn't going to meet them or anything. He tried to convince me that the girls he talked to we're just online friends; but I'm not stupid... It's a dating site. Girls go on the site to find guys to DATE...duh. I tolerated it for about a month because I'm not his mom and I don't control what he does. Then I got a call on my cell phone from a girl claiming she was his girlfriend for the past 2 months and I better stay away... Ummm 1. He had been my boyfriend for 2 years. 2. She could have him. Nothing good will ever come from your boyfriend spending time on a dating site...ever.
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (21 November 2012):
 The answer is absolutely no.
It is hard to guess what the motivations of your boyfriend may be, but my guess is that he is keeping his options open. If things are going well, he'll stick by your side, but if things go south, he may not be willing to fight for the relationship, especially if he is stringing some potential women along on the side. Also, he could be trolling to see if someone "better" comes along.
I certainly wouldn't tolerate it if I was dating someone in a committed relationship who continued to be on a dating site -- especially a pay one. It just indicates to me they aren't as serious about our partnership as I would be.
Eddie
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 November 2012):
 It's not harmless and it's not right.
He's not risking anything... you caught him and forgave him more than once...
so what does it cost him? a fight... and then back to cheating on you and stroking his ego....
he will do t his forever... my ex husband did it to me...
note he's an EX husband... he never stopped the Online sites, the texting of other women and the lies that our marriage was bad... it was not...
he won't stop this.
you will continue to be hurt and angry
and he will make you feel like it's YOUR fault for ending it when you finally get fed up and put an end to it in one way or another..
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2012): Is it common for people in relationships to tell people they're single and flirt with with other people?
Same thing OP. It's not harmless, it's not on and he's basically putting himself in the shop window as a single man. Time to make that a reality.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2012): In my opinion it's like cheating. IF you're in a relationship why are you on a dating website? If he didn't think it was wrong, then why did he lie about it.
You can't have a relationship without trust and to me, if my bf was on a dating website, that tells me he wants to date and no longer be with me.
I don't think it's normal or okay to be registered on a dating site if you're already in a relationship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2012): I do have to totally agree with honey pie , you still being together though you know he's lying and still going on these sites is like giving him permission to walk over you like a doormat.
At the minute, these new girls are stroking his ego, adding notches to his bedpost, and sweetie he can't stop as he gets a kick out of this, a good adrenaline rush.. He clearly see that being on these sites are worth more than your and his relationship.
So unless you want this crappy behaviour to continue, tell him to sling his hook.. And wish him luck, hel'll need it...
Take care
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2012): A lot of people sign up for these things, and they are usually looking for something. Something they feel is maybe missing in their own relationship. Some people use these sites to forfill desires that they think their partners can't or wont forfill, use it to make some fanticies a reality.
There is a lot of things or reasons for it. The best thing you can do is talk to him and tell him that you don't like it. Ask him what he is doing it for. He may not want to tell you, and you will need to decide if this is something you can handle.
Good luck
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 November 2012):
 There s nothing "harmless" about signing dating sites. Whether he wants to admit it or not - I would assume that ANYONE signing up for dating sites are looking. Looking for casual sex, looking for a partner, looking for dates - but LOOKING is the operative word here...
He doesn't think it's a risk, because YOU already know and you are STILL with him - thus "in his logic" it can't be a deal-breaker for you.
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