A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Not sure if anyone will understand my question but here it goes...Confidence = Not being needy, being comfortable in your own skin, knowing you can obtain what you needDoes confidence, and therefore becoming a more sexually attractive guy, come down to his own opinion of what things make a life good and the characteristics of a sexy guy are, and having those things (plus having ambition to achieve something significant)?Other peoples' opinions of what a sexually attractive man's life should be like and how he should be, really doesn't matter as far as being a sexy guy is concerned (as long as he's not obviously below average in practical terms)? Or do women decide which men deserve confidence, i.e. "he's got to be tall, handsome, educated, have a good career, make good money, etc, etc, etc"?
View related questions:
ambition, confidence, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2012): well there is a very true saying that "competence leads to confidence"
what that means is that building up your confidence requires not just an inherent acceptance of and appreciation of yourself and recognizing that you are valuable and worthy of love just for being who you are without having to 'prove' anything, but there is another component of building confidence which is having positive self-affirming experiences in areas which matter to you and receiving and internalizing positive feedback. I believe both are equally important and both parts can affect your perception of yourself.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2012): "Don't high quality women in both looks and personality"
Why would you judge women based on such a superficial concept as "high quality". Most women are very "high quality" don't buy into this bullshit of model beautiful looks and amazing personality being some kind of gauge of quality. It's what you like, it's who you're attracted to and you don't always have to go for the most attractive woman in your mind. If you're thinking you want a girl who is a 9 or a 10, then you limit yourself by weird expectations. If you find a 5 or a 6 cute, sexually attractive then there's no reason why you wouldn't go over and get to know her better. The best relationships I've ever had were with women who wouldn't win modelling contracts ever and have plenty of little personality flaws that aren't a big a deal but were very happy, confident and content with who they are. The only thing you need to have an excuse to chat one up is that you're sexually attracted to her, you can laugh together and you have an intellectual connection.
You set your standards too high and you miss out on some great women who would make really good partners, you try and change yourself into someone who regularly bangs models then you cheat yourself of the wide range of other things that make women great. For me a shared sense of humour is one of the greatest things you can ever have with a woman, the ability to just laugh and get into fits of laughing constantly is brilliant. That kind of relationship just makes life 10 times more fun, my current girlfriend is exactly that, just vicious and sarcastic in her humour as me.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2012): "So for a man, there is no such thing as unjustified confidence."
There is but it's called arrogance. You don't have to be Brad Pitt for women to find you attractive, you don't have to have Bill Gates money to be considered successful.
OP you just have to know yourself, accept yourself and know what makes you a good potential partner. Arrogance comes into play when you have a sense of entitlement, like you deserve a woman. You don't deserve anything in life, you earn it and work for it. Arrogance is believing you're better than people. Confidence is knowing you can pull something off, knowing that you rock but also knowing you're not better than anyone else just different. Better in some ways than some people worse than some in other ways, it's all relative. The key is to constantly strive to be a better you for you and only based on what you'd like to be better at. Crap at swimming but love being in the water? Go take swimming lessons. You know?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2012): What is confusing is that you equate confidence and being sexually attracitve, these two things are related but are also quite distinct. Having confidence, being confident, self confidence, are all about how you feel internally and your capacity to express that externally with others. Being confident will make you generally more attractive to other people, people are drawn to those who are confident, and some of that attraction will be sexual, but not necessarily so. Being more confident may make you feel more sexually attractive, but this is also different from whether others will find you sexually attractive, and this has to do with a lot more than just confidence.
Your experience of feeling confident or not is completely yours. You may be influenced by others, but your sense of confidence is your own experience, you are the one who experiences whether or not you are confident, and you then reflect this in your actions. Your sexual attractiveness is something is perceived about you by others, in other words, it is something that exists in their experience of you. So your self confidence is something you experience, and your sexual attractiveness is something other people experience about you. Your expression of your confidence is perceived by others and affects how people percieve you, and it might make you more sexually attractive to some, but not to others.
As a result, you can't control how sexually attractive other people percieve you to be, and its not something to worry about in my opinion, some will and some wont. What is worth concerning yourself about are the things that you can do and the attitudes you can hold which make you feel more confident and help you like who you are and believe in yourself, as well as the things that YOU think make you more sexually attractive too, that make you feel good about yourself. Stick with those things, and don't worry about the rest.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2012): So for a man, there is no such thing as unjustified confidence, as per the OP definition of the word, ie. Not being needy, being comfortable in your own skin, knowing you can obtain what you need?
Don't high quality women in both looks and personality demand both confidence AND above average money, looks, etc, etc, etc?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2012): "Does confidence, and therefore becoming a more sexually attractive guy, come down to his own opinion of what things make a life good and the characteristics of a sexy guy are, and having those things (plus having ambition to achieve something significant)?"
Of course, how are you supposed to impress a lady with how great you are if you don't know what's great about you?
Remember OP, having an ambition is great if you have a plan are actually actively working to towards your goals. If you only have ambition but not the action, then you're just a dreamer. Know the difference.
"Other peoples' opinions of what a sexually attractive man's life should be like and how he should be, really doesn't matter as far as being a sexy guy is concerned (as long as he's not obviously below average in practical terms)?"
None of that matters anyway really OP, you can always get women no matter how broke you are, no matter how fat etc. there's always a way. I got plenty of them while broke, fat and bald because I wanted them and women want to be wanted, so it was easy.
"Or do women decide which men deserve confidence, i.e. "he's got to be tall, handsome, educated, have a good career, make good money, etc, etc, etc"?"
OP who gives a shit what women decide or what they think a guy deserves (no offence ladies). Take a look at the front page of this site and read some of the questions from women. You can beat a woman, cheat on her, do all sorts of crazy things and be a complete and utter psycho you can still get women and they will still stay. I'm not giving you license to do those things OP the point is, women will do and take any guy. I mean if they can take years of untold suffering at the hands of a bastard just because they love him then a guy like you has it easy, if they can see the beauty and the tortured soul of the guy who perpetually cheats on them and use that as a reason to pity him and stay, then that's not a very high standard in men.
Remember OP, when you worry about what kind of standards women have don't forget that 1 in 4 of them have suffered domestic violence, so their standards aren't that high at all.
What women say they want and what they go for are two different things OP. Tall, good money etc. lots say that and I've boned loads of them and dated a few too. I've slept with women who told me beforehand that they find baldness a huge turn off, I've dated girls who couldn't believe they were dating a fat guy.
Don't worry about it OP, women have as low standards as we have, they only like to pretend they don't, ask any woman you know and even the aunts here who will disagree with my points can tell you they've all dated assholes. All of them.
Now if you're not an asshole you have the advantage of being able to hold onto them longer and higher chance of making them happy.
So start thinking like and alpha OP, start thinking about what you want and not what you think you should be.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 November 2012):
 SELF-ESTEEM and SELF-CONFIDENCE are just that SELF.... they are internal.
my husband, below average in personality and looks.. but sexy because he thinks he's all that and a bag of chips...
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2012): "Does building one's self confidence depend on one's own opinion or that of others?"
I'd say it depends on one's own objective DEFINITION (as opposed to subjective opinion) of who one is as a person. You can only be true to yourself, confidence comes from being comfortable as the person you were born to be, your innate qualities as formed and molded by your education, experiences, influences, and inspirations.
"Confidence = Not being needy, being comfortable in your own skin, knowing you can obtain what you need"
As good a definition as I've heard.
"Other peoples' opinions of what a sexually attractive man's life should be like and how he should be, really doesn't matter as far as being a sexy guy is concerned"
Correct, others' opinions about what your life "should be" like DON'T matter; women who are truly attracted to you (and to whom you are mutually attracted) will be confident, self-respecting adults whom are attracted to who you are, not what or whom they want you to be. You can never strike a false note by always being yourself, you will always get yourself into trouble if you try to pretend otherwise.
...............................
|
