Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your advice - i have stayed away and feel so much better for it x
A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (12 April 2012):
 You are a grown woman. No one deserves to be reduced to anything lesser than that, so yes I would stay away.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2012): I grew up with an abusive mother and left the house at an early age to get some distance between us. Although I tried many times to re-establish the relationship it always seem to go wrong. As I got older, into my late thirties, I learned that you need time away from these abusive relationships and try and gain a new perspective on it. Keep your distance and when you are ready try to see if you can establish a healthy relationship with your mother. It may never happen but at least you know you tried.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2012): Yes you should cut her out of your life. Blood relation alone is a meaningless reason for deciding who you keep or take out of your life.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (10 April 2012):
 Yes.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (10 April 2012):
 Your Mom may just be a nasty woman, or she may be in the early stages of dementia / alzheimers. If the latter your Mom may need a close eye kept on her as her symptons will only get worse. And she will need monitoring by her Doctor. If this illness is diagnosed then my advice would be different.
My answer assumes that your Mom is healthy, but also very mean.
First get a copy of 'Toxic parents' by Susan Forward and you will find that you are not alone. It is freely available on line. It will help explain that you Mom's issues are her issues. Do not allow yourself be controlled by her manipulation and her nastiness.
Limit your contact with your Mom while she cannot behave like a reasonble adult woman.
Set boundaries and consequences.
You do not have to explain your tactics in advance to your Mom. Just implement the changes.
Think of it as if you are case managing a difficult client. Keep it professional not emotional. Your Mom's behavior and reactions mean that she is not capable of empathy nor understanding.
Do not go out of your way to appease her.
Do not seek her approval.
Do not feel guilty about your approach.
Meet your Mom on neutral ground or at her home. (so that you can walk away if she acts up)
Gain control of your life.
You are not responsible for your Mom's unreasonable actions and reactions.
If you are present when she acts up and you find it unacceptable then just gather up your things and walk out without explanation.
If she gets angry and demands an explanation then in a cool matter of a fact voice assertively tell her, once only, that you are 'not prepred to put up with her unreasonable behavior'
Say no more. You do not have to explain yourself further. Do not allow her to make you feel guilty. Do not answer her diatribes. Expect her to be vindictive.
As Susan Forward says in her book, you need to 'reclaim your life'
And keep your plans to yourself - it gives your Mom less to criticize.
Enroll in an assertive training course. You have put up with years of being put down and undermined by your Mom. Now is the time to become more assertive.
If her behavior escalates and she is not suffering a medical condition that could cause her to behave this way - then consider a restraining order. Drastic step I know. But even senior citizens can be delinquent and disruptive.
Keep your own family informed and in the loop. they have no doubt witnessed your pain for decades
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (10 April 2012):
Yes, please do stay away. My mum cut out her toxic parents from her life. It was the best thing she ever could have done.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 April 2012):
 It's perfectly fine as adults to avoid toxic people even if we are blood related to them.
your grown children have the same right....
if she is toxic and mean and nasty, she does not deserve to be treated with love honor and respect.
Make your peace with her and tell her "mother until you can behave properly I am done with our relationship"
You have my permission to be healthy and whole without your mom in your life.
Suggestion: find a good family therapist to help you work through the feelings you are going to have....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2012): It is definitely best to stay away. I'm really glad you stood up to her. My mum was physically, verbally and mentally abusive to me as a child. When I was 19 she tried to hit me and I stopped her. That was the last time she ever laid a finger on me again.
You are successful as a mother and a grandmother you don't need her approval to justify your existence as a human being. My advice to you is stay away from her and tell your daughter the next time your mother rings her, to tell her YOU don't want anything to do with her. Life is short, don't waste it trying to please her.
...............................
A
female
reader, ToHereKnowsWhen  +, writes (10 April 2012):
 Definitely best to stay away and let things cool down a bit. You have enough on your hands with out a renegade mother biting at your ankles all the time.
...............................
| 