A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend is coming across as very controlling recently he trys to make sure how long I can stay out for and who my friends can be. I can't wear skirts and he is going on a boy's holiday and I can't go on a girl's one.I do not understand if this is normal behaviour... I have tried talking to him but he just becomes really childish and always wins the argument by throwing things back at me and twisting my words and making me feel as if I have done something wrong. I really love him and have been with him 2 years, I don't think it's worth throwing what we have away, please help !!! Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2010): I am in a very similar position to you and I have decided to end the relationship. My boyfriend did not like me wearing make up, nail varnish or perfume to work and he was constantly putting my fsmily down. I never got time to myself. I have written him a letter explaining how I feel and I will send it to him. That way I don't need to speak to him and he doesn't have the opportunity to try and persuade me to stay
A
female
reader, Auntie Marilyn +, writes (9 November 2009):
This kind of controlling behaviour, unfortunately, is very common. Once it has started, it is unlikely to stop. You are likely to experience more controlling behaviour as time goes by. I'm sure this man is often fun to be with, and he probably uses his charm to manipulate you into staying when you start to think about ending the relationship.You shouldn't run the risk of entering into marriage and parenthood with him. The end result will be a broken marriage, unhappy children and incalculable misery all round..Don't make a scene or try to explain, because that will give him a chance to 'win you back'. Controlling men are rarely unable to confront their own ailings. Just end it and leave. And don't rush into your next relationship, because that could get you into another abusive relationship.
...............................
A
male
reader, Talksense +, writes (22 July 2008):
The Answer to your question is that it is not normal,it is unhealthy and will leave you emotionally scarred if you don't get out.
What alot of people don't seem to realise is that with your mind/heart in the wrong place you can choose to be as wicked as you want to be. What i'm tryin to say is that he is deliberately trying to control you and is very manipulative he knows 100% what he is doing.
Alot of women try to just pass it off by sayin 'Oh it's just the way he is' or 'It's just their way of showin he cares about me' it is not! He wants to control every part of your life and if you don't get out you'll find yourself without any will left has he will crush it.
I bet that he is the first significant person that you have ever had in your life (i'm talkin about boyfriend excl parents). He will always have a hold on you even many years from now has you're vulnerable, he will always know what buttons to push because he will distort reality in your mind.
You have to leave him otherwise you'll regret it and worse still find it difficult in having a normal relationship in the future as you're already posing this question of 'is this normal'? IT IS NOT.
I am a Man and i know what alot of guys do the worst thing a person can experince is to lose the most fundamental right in life and that's FREEDOM, you lose that and you can never be truly happy, you must get out.
Good Luck
...............................
A
female
reader, hello1 +, writes (5 February 2008):
 My dad used to be quite controllig when it came to my mum freinds. But I remember my mum rebeling and she went out clubbing all the time, it hit us kids hard as we didn't like being left alone with this grumpy man. Anyway, she would have left years ago if she didn't have kids. There was no way out really, you do! sounds like you don't have kids or very old. I admit my dad changed once we moved houses, he's a great dad and husband now BUT not all men change, if you are 16/17 than it's very strange and worrying he's like this at such a young age. Just think what he be like in a couple years time? I would leave and tell him to get help, he must have had a bad childhood if not then he's just an horrible person.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (5 February 2008):
 This kind of guy is mentally and emotionally abusing you under the guise of wanting you to be better. They are not aware that they are abusing you .
They will make laws and it will only apply to you while it don't apply to them.
You cannot talk sense into them. They do not see your points of view and think that you are too young to know. They want to control every aspects of your life and suffocate you .
If you want your rights, you will have to stand up to him. You need to fight for your rights.
You can fight only by using his very same methods.That is the only way he can understand.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (5 February 2008):
Most young males have this controlling psyche or comes from this type of culture or background.They learn from their parents or they are natural born abusers. LOL! They need to learn and grow up.
The only way they learn is to withdraw from them and they will have to accept that you are another person who have rights too.
If you stay in this type of relationship, you only get trampled upon.
They are not bad guys but it is the way they were brought up in that kind of society.
...............................
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (5 February 2008):
 Hi,
listen to everyone here. The only advice you are going to get is telling you to dump him and quick. What other advice do you expect? something like this perhaps "Oh, I'm sure he's a really nice guy, and its your fault after all , he wouldn't be like this if you showed him respect....etc etc"
This is the advice your controlling bf will give you, its all your fault, he being unhappy is your fault, everything is your fault.
You don't want to throw everything away? What do you have other than an arsehole who tries to control everything you do? Yeah I'm sure he's sweet as pie sometimes isnt he and that makes it almost worth it.. good grief, just look at the previous posts from girls like yourself , they are almost exactly the same. Hopefully some learn their lesson, most don't unfortunately.
...............................
A
male
reader, Namatjira +, writes (5 February 2008):
Hi,Unfortunately this is a real problem that could get much worse. I wish I had good news to tell you but unless you stand up to him now and tell him clearly that his treatment of you is unacceptable then you will only be setting yourself up to become miserable far worse than now.There are many reasons why he might be changing, some outside influences or a new person he looks up to who behaves like that. Maybe he has seen this behaviour in his own family. Other possibilities are guilt if he has done something he should not have and so now he is afraid in case you have made the same mistake. Of course this is not rational, but then mistreating another person is not rational.From what you have said he seems to feel threatened by you attractiveness. That may be why he wants to control who and when you can see others and what you wear. He is afraid he will lose you but does not realise that his behaviour is guaranteed to do just that eventually if he does not change.Clearly you have invested in this relationship but like all investments there can come a time when you should consider cutting your losses and get out while you still have your dignity. I am not advising you to do this. Rather I would advise that you find an older woman (maybe an aunt or big sister if she is a lot older than you) to talk it over with. You need a confidant who you can trust and talk about your most sensitive feelings and emotions with but at the end of the day whoever you talk to the final decision must be yours and you must be prepared to follow through if needed.There is no easy answer and I am sorry if I seem insensitive but you must work through this. At the end either your relationship will be more balanced or it will be gone. If the latter then only you can control how uncomfortable and upsetting it has been in the meantime.I wish you luck and hope it all works out.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2008): What you have?Wake up and smell the moolah, woman.Besides a filthy hypocrite, this 'man' (and I use that term loosely) is a low-down, chauvinistic prick who does not deserve a woman until his attitudes change.No one has any right to decide for someone else who they can or cannot be friends with. Nor does he have a single right in the world to prevent you from going with your friends on a weekend if he does.So dump this clod in the most humiliating and debasing way imaginable and spread the tale and only cease your path of destruction if he agrees to change his ways.I repeat. What you have isn't a relationship, it is a prison cell.Oh and I am a male and cannot stand men who give us such a bad name.Flynn 24
...............................
|
