A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am "just friends" with a man who I dated for three months time over a year ago. He is a full time father of his daughter for two weeks at a time, alternating with his ex for two weeks. Everything started beautifully and we ended up sleeping together on the third date. There was a great deal of time between dates as he was completely out of commission for the two weeks that he had his daughter. However, we did talk on the phone a lot when his daughter went to bed. I was surprised at how quickly I slept with him but I realized I was deeply hurt by a previous relationship and somehow I bonded so well with this new man that things went quickly. The long waits for dates didn't help though. We did not see eachother often.It ended after 3 months of a yo-yo relationship where we barely saw eachother due to his ex leaving the country for a month during the second month and we did not see eachother at all. When we saw eachother the one time, he said that he had feelings for me when he was with me in person but they disappeared the next day. Because they didn't last, he was not willing to pursue the relationship so it ended. He really wanted to keep the friendship though.In occasionally keeping up a friendship, we have gone out to a few music concerts over the past year. Each time, he crosses the romantic line and we either sleep together or some form of kissing happens. The next day, he tells me his feelings don't last. He stills wants to be friends. At this point, I have broken all contact and explained that I can no longer deal with him crossing the friendship - romance line whenever we get together as "just friends". He strikes me as someone who cares but is just scared to get involved again, a common fear among separated and divorced men. I noticed he tried calling me twice (call display) but I told him I needed a few months away from him. What can I do if he truly cares but is scared? What if he is just using me for intimacy while he is healing? He says he is completely healed...I am the first and only woman he has slept with since his separation and we were acquaintances for many years.I am confused about the mixed messages I am getting - pulling me close, very warm, attentive, etc. then pushing back/cold/aloof - backs off for the entire two weeks that he has his daughter...doesn't call the next day after a date, etc. Does anyone have any ideas? Both our birthdays are coming up at the end of Oct/early Nov and we were talking about doing something together and now I cut things off...very confusing...Many thanks in advance!
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divorce, his ex, kissing, mixed messages Reply to this Question
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (3 October 2009):
I have this feeling that he's using you for sex. He's nice to you then, I notice. So, don't kiss him, give him sex or anything like that and see what happens.
A
female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (3 October 2009):
 When he's trying to have sex with you, he's warm, attentive, funny, and putting on his best act.
When he's finished with sex he goes back to the way he really feels.
Don't get it twisted. He's not confused. He is happy with having a good time with you and getting some sex at the end of the night, and that's all it is. As long as you let him cross the line, he will keep calling and trying to set up meetings with you.
Just once, try NOT kissing him. Shut him down, no matter how he romances you or how good it feels. See if he calls you then. I doubt he will.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Candleman +, writes (3 October 2009):
 Everyone heals differently. The amount of time that has elapsed from his divorce does appear to be a long enough time for him to have healed enough over the feelings for his wife. Obviously, maybe not, but a year and something is a pretty long time. I understand the dilema you are having because it is very "fishy" that the amount of time that you two have spent makes you question why his feelings can go away so fast, especially the day after you have sex. It sounds like he says what he has to in order to get you in bed. However, it is possible that the ordeal of bringing a gf into the scene w/ his daughter is something that kills any momentum you may have created. He could very easily have gotten over his feelings for his wife, but you're talking a whole new issue w/ the daughter. Here's what I would do. Put my emotions on extreme caution and go out with the guy and keep the sex out of it. See if after a few dates he decides he just doesn't want to go out anymore. No sex, no more dates...you were being used. Basically, you measure his level of feelings in relationship to his time with the daughter. You can not have complete no communication for starters during his two weeks with her. Eventually, you have to be introduced to the daughter. If he can't go that far, then the guy is not ready to go forward or there is not enough spark between you two and you'll be strung along for the ride. (BTW, experts state at least 6month post divorce as the time to wait to introduce gf/bf to children of divorced parents, it has been this long.) Understand how significant this issue is. It's very hard on all parties involved, especially the child. But, you're trying to get to that point first. So you will have to draw a line for yourself as to how long you wait for this to happen. I wouldn't bring it up the first time you guys are together, but if you go out more and he keeps wanting to see you, then you need to push to this point sooner than later, else you get strung along. In summation... go out w/ no sex...if still interested, push for communication during two weeks w/ daughter... then eventual introduction w/ daughter,...I wish you the best....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): He already answered your question. After he sleeps with you or had some sort of "intimate" moment with you he no longer have feelings. Clearly he doesn't want to commit to you. Simply because you stop calling or answering his invitations he now is ready to commit to you. It sound like a bunch of bull to me. If you have stopped calling keep it like that. No one needs to be on this emotional roller coaster like that. Go out and enjoy your birthday with close friends and family. You know that they will be there for you because they really do care about you. Forget this guy. Your deserve better. Let me put something on the brain. If he does commit to you and he loses his feelings, what are you to him then? Think about it.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (3 October 2009):
 He's still on the rebound with a child from his ex, and he's afraid you're too convenient. Therefore, he's intimate with you, but has a lot of guilt as he's probably still hooked on his ex, or the destruction following that breakup.
In short, he needs to lose the guilt and feel confident in himself and your relationship. Otherwise you, the next girl and every girl afterward is going to have a hard time making the emotional connection as he is too gun-shy.
Here, he seems to shy away after every intimate moment. As if to say he can't open his heart to you so he's trying to back off and dial it down a few notches.
That's pretty much the sum of it, and gives you the "why" to your "why" question.
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