A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I want to explain a situation. I have a daughter who is in fifth grade in school and is very shy. It is a small school, and there are only three other girls. The other girls are all very bouncy and outgoing. I feel that my daughter is kind of left out. No one purposely leaves her out, but it just kind of happens that way. She does participate in sports activities, Girl Scouts, etc. One of the moms is kind of a friend of mine as I have helped her out a lot with her daughter in the past when she needed day care, or a favor. I have invited her daughter over numerous times, but she never reciprocates unless it is a birthday party. I can't take terrible offense to this, I feel, because she does not do many playdates. Over the summer the mom had a birthday party for her daughter. My daughter came home and said that the mom told her that her daughter would be alone during the day during the summer and it would be really nice if the girls would sometime invite her. So we invited her daughter over several times. I heard through the grapevine that the other girls were invited over to swim, but my daughter was not. It really hurts my feelings. How do you think would be best to handle the situation? I am a very straightforward kind of person, and so is my friend. Should I confront her?Please be honest and tell me if you think I am being too sensitive. Another question that I have: How do most people handle playdates? Should you reciprocate when someone else has invited your daughter? Or should it be completely up to your daughter? If she does not ask, should you not worry about it? I have three girls, and I used to worry more about doing playdates, considering that they are shy, especially my older one who seems to have a harder time connecting with her friends. But nobody else worried about it, and my girls are perfectly content and hardly ever ask to do playdates.Stressed and confused in Seattle
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female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (3 October 2009):
 Its a no win situation you are in.. if you confront then it could back fire on your daughter. If you don't it seems like you are giving others permission to take advantage.I don't think you are over-reacting. I would feel the same way, but I don't know if confronting will get you the resolution you want in this case, because if she starts suddenly inviting her more... it wont be for the right reasons and the kids could pick up on that and alienate her even more.I guess I would use actions to speak rather than words. Only invite the other child when YOU want, regardless of whether an invitation will be reciprocal. Look for other opportunities to help your daughter make new friends outside the normal circle. Maybe some new friends of your own. If you are asked by the offending mom then gently give her an honest answer.For the most part children should be given permission and encouragement to work out their own problems while you cheer them on. You can make suggestions and encourage "golden rule" behavior but let most of the decisions be made by the children as they get older. In the end it really works out better because the social lessons they learn by having to struggle through those rough points are more valuable than a "forced" friendship will ever be. (It also means staying neutral when/if your daughter says something less than "ladylike" about their treatment of her, don't limit too much how she can handle the problem, just trust that she will learn from it no matter what.)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): We seem to have made the world more complicated for our children, haven't we? This isn't a criticism -- my kids all did the scheduled play date thing too. It's just a bit sad, compared to my childhood, when the kids in the neighbourhood roamed at will and sorted things out themselves.
As to your first question, by grade 5 the kids are deciding to an extent who they want and who they don't. So you likely don't have an issue with the other mom. More likely, the kids are deciding who they want over and who the would prefer to not invite. Your daughter may be on the short end, but as likely as not it's the other child, not her mother, who is the cause.
For pre-school and early grade kids, parents should be taking the lead on play dates, tempered of course by the kids' expressed preferences. If the two kids clearly get on well, then invite away. But if your child comes home from a play date saying it didn't go well and they don't want to do it again, then you should not reciprocate. They may change their minds later (which is a kid's prerogative), but it's not up to us to force them together because of our (parents') ideas of social obligation.
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