A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend was previously in an 10 year relationship whereby he had two kids with her. We’ve been together for 15 months. He and his ex girlfriend split up 7 months before we met.He has said that he loves me and we spend 98% of our time together (everyday except Thursday when we both see our friends separately). I have my own place and he lives back home with his folks for the time being.This past 2 months we have been talking about getting a place together and have been looking around at some of the options. The date for us moving in was never set in stone but we did originally say around May time. But recently we’ve also had some very bad rows, admittedly quite a few of them instigated by me as I’m jealous of his ex and I have slagged her off before. I admit this is due to my jealous of the fact that she had all that history with him and has two kids with him. Also he won’t let me say one single thing bad about her and says she is a good mum to his kids. Two weeks ago we had a really bad row and I said stuff about him, his ex and her family. The rows went on all weekend and he said he was drained of it all. Then last weekend we ended up rowing about something else, now he is saying he’s not sure he wants to move in with me still – he said he wants to, but is scared that we are going to end up not getting on and splitting up after a week of living together….….should I cut him loose and find someone who will commit or should I hang on and accept the relationship for how it is now? I feel like he could commit to her but not me, and this just adds to my jealousy for her. They never married, but they did get engaged. It just makes me even angrier when I think what they had together and what we haven’t.
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female
reader, Lizzy111  +, writes (14 April 2011):
If you cant handle your jealousy you need to go for guys without "baggage". Men with kids will alway come also with the mother of their kids. I am not overly jealous but was also in such a relationship and decided that I would rather like someone without the kids and ex wife and thats who I am with now...Your life your choices but FYI - she is not going anywhere so at pne point you need to make up your mind and stick with it.
A
male
reader, macdubh712 +, writes (14 April 2011):
blone30s is right. Lookie here, you say that you have jealousy issues because of the history that your BF and his ex have. I can understand the feelings, sure, but you're going to have to find a way to get past this. If you can't then you probably can't be with someone with this kind of history. People with this sort of situation get on everyday and find a way for it to work. His ex is not going away, and honestly, as long as she does not cause trouble between you and your BF and as long as she is a good mother to his kids then you probably shouldn't say bad things about her. If the only reason you say bad things about her is because of your jealousy about their history then your comments are really out of school, aye? If she is making it a point to cause drama that might be a little different but it doesn't sound like it. Also, I don't know what type of bad stuff you said about him to him but if it invovled name calling or throwing his own faults as a man in his face then you shouldn't do that either. That will destroy love quick, fast, and in a hurry. I would say, try to get over your jealousy issues. Ask your BF to talk to you about this. Be adult like and ask him to be but discuss your feelings with him. He should be there for you, to listen, to offer support, and to offer reassurance. Don't jump the gun in cutting him loose because, just based on what you have described above, it is a very premature idea and could leave you with a regretful feeling. Also, you stated that you feel like he could commit to her but not you. 10 years of marriage is a lot to decompress from and if he did not take time after this marriage to get himself in order before becoming involved with you then this could be why is not making the move with you yet. Give it time. Open, honest communication on both of your parts is what will make or break this relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2011): hey blond30sOriginal OP here,thanks for the advice.The problem i have is that I'm so jealous of her and I don't know how to get rid of it. I get along well with the kids, but he has basically admitted that if ever me and her were to fall out - he would take her side as he wouldn't want his kids upset. although he reckons this would never happen as "she is such a nice person GrrrrrWhy am I so jealous of her?I envy the fact that she was so laid-back and didn't like to argue and very motherly and house proud. I am the complete opposite to that. One good thing in my favour is that he says he's never had this much fun with anyone. When I ask if he loved her more, he tells me - "love is love. I loved her at the time and now I love you"this just makes me even more unsure and insecure.What do i do?
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A
male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (14 April 2011):
 Hmmm I think your being a bit hard on him here. Sorry. Why? Well, firstly you admit you have instigated most of the rows so im forced to conclude his insecurities about splitting up are not without foundation. Furthermore, he obviously got burned last time out and for all the good things he says about his ex - she is an ex for a reason and hes with you for a reason and you do need to remember that I feel. She may well be a good mum but that doesnt mean he still loves her or has feelings for her beyond that. If its giving her unreasonable purchase in the relationship then thats something you do need to address but I see nothing here to suggest thats the case, though, of course, I am happy to stand corrected? I have to ask, who initiates discussion around his ex? You or him? I had an ex who I rowed with on similar lines but it was a little disingenuous because she was the one who usually brought it up. It seems to me, that the issue here is your jealously. If he is always singing her praises (beyond being a good mum, somebody can be a good parent but a crap partner) without prompting then yes I agree with you, he shouldn't be doing that and thats something he needs to address. Otherwise the issue is the jealously which you freely admit too, an attitude that does you credit. You cant change the past and that in some indirect way, because of the kids, she will be a part of his life probably forever but I think you knew this when you took on this relationship. You could have what they had and so much more; but you wont if you chuck this away for what seems to me like no good reason. I hope you dont decide to walk away, if you do I have a feeling even if its you that does, in the longer run you will kick yourself....Good luck.
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