A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, I have a problem with my bf whom I met online last year. I'm 31 and he is 43. When we met he knew I had 2 kids, 1 who is 14 and the 18mths baby. The problem I have with my bf is he does not want my daughters father to be anywhere near his child. Two months ago I took my daughter to my mother's because her nanny had to go to college. By then my bf had already left my house and gone to his home town. With my baby gone, he was happy because he was now sure that they be no contact with my ex. Well, this month I decided I want to take back my child, I miss her so much and I feel am missing out on her growing up into this little girl.My bf didn't take it so well, he was so upset that he gave me an ultimatum, saying if I bring my child back he will not come back stating stating that if my child comes back then it means her father will be in my life again. He is forever talking about not wanting to be hurt again. I honestly think he is being selfish especially that we are both adults and know what we want.He has 2 kids from his previous marriage which he has on countless times told me it didn't end well, his wife cheated on him.I have not given this man reason to believe I have or will cheat on him. I have since told him to either trust me or just leave me and find some other woman who will put her happiness first instead of her child's.I want my child to grow up knowing she has a daddy who loves her those he is not with mummy. I have seen how children are without their fathers, my 14yr old son has grown up with no father and it used to break my heart when he would come back from school and ask why his father had to go to be with Jesus when all his friends had their fathers and talked about playing soccer with their fathers. My son's father died when our son was 4 yrs, now my daughter has a father who very much wants to be in her life, so how can this man make me choose?Help.
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female
reader, Myrrh  +, writes (24 June 2010):
 Good for you. Dont give that guy another thought . It was totally wrong of him to try and make you chose. Enjoy your family x
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (24 June 2010):
I think we know that. Of course you wouldn't :). What we're saying is that you should be with a guy who suggests it. A good, decent guy wouldn't put you in that position.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice thou some of you misunderstood me. I said I took my daughter to my mothers because I had no nanny not because my bf wanted me to.
I already told this guy where to get off. For the record I would never trade my daighter for anything or anyone.
Thanks all for your advice.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 June 2010):
 Are you crazy? Sorry to be so blunt but really? You would chose a MAN over your own child?
I would dump his so fast he head would be spinning for a week.
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A
female
reader, Myrrh +, writes (24 June 2010):
Hi. Your daughter shouldnt be hidden away so you and her father dont have any contact. Its shocking. After watching your first little mite cope without his dad around. Why would you knowingly put a child through that sort of thing? Children need fathers as much as they need mothers and unless your ex was violent or in any other way a risk. He has every right to see his child. Its terribly sad that your sons father died. It must have been difficult for you both. But imagine how it will look to your daughter in years to come when she finds her father didnt see her because you stopped him. And she didnt see much of you because some online guy with baggage didnt like it. If that had been my upbringing, i can assure you i would regard my mother as worthy of that title. And i wouldnt have bothered with her. I think you need to leave this person to find someone without children. And you should seek a well adjusted partner. There are plenty of wonderful men around who raise children that arent biologically theirs. AND they also manage to cope with their partners ex! This guy isnt prepared to do either. Hes jealous of your daughter and your ex. And he doesnt trust you. Hes selfish, has a shed full of issues and hes really unsuitable for a woman with children. Bring your daughter home and tell him to get counselling and shape up... or ship out x
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (24 June 2010):
Let me get this straight. Your boyfriend is saying to you to choose between him and your child. Well that says all you need to know about him. Dump him. No question, no talking, no nothing. Your child is what matters, not him. Get away from this man now.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 June 2010):
 Your current bf is not only selfish, he is delusional- and to be honest I am having trouble understanding why are you even giving any consideration to his demands. No man in this world is worth giving up your child for, and particularly for such a stupid reason like his insecurity.
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A
female
reader, Blue Sahara +, writes (24 June 2010):
 I'm sorry but nothing in me understands this. I have kept some pretty crappy men in my life longer than I should of. I have had domineering men and clinging men. And they all are jealous guys who want you to act a certain way. But if any man ever gave me an ultimatum involving my child he would find his butt on the street so fast his head would be spinning.
This man is asking you to either give your child back to your mother or deny her a father cause he can't deal with his jealousy. I really think you need to revaluate this relationship. He cares so little about you that he doesn't care what damage he does to your own child. He doesn't care what happens to the relationship you and your child have in the future. He doesn't care about anything but himself. And I can't even say how shocked I am that you are actually considering his idea.
Your child will be in your life the rest of your life. She is your blood. She didn't ask to be brought into this world. And she certainly does not deserve to be in a game of ping pong from house to house from parent to parent depending on what her mother's boyfriends feelings are for the day.
Do you really think this is just a case of him being selfish? Cause if this doesn't seem like a deal breaker to me, I shudder to wonder what is. You are choosing a man you have known for 1 year over your own daughter.
And he isn't making you choose. You have already chosen and are wondering how to hand back your child without seeming like a terrible person. What mother would ever consider this?!
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A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (24 June 2010):
 Get rid of him. You should never, ever have to choose between a relationship and your children. Besides, children must always come first, there are no exceptions. This man has serious issues.
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