A
female
age
41-50,
*eepBlueSkies
writes:I am in a relationship with an amazing, mature and positive guy, who is also my age (27 -28 years old). We are inseparable and I feel happy when we are together. When we are apart (we live in different countries) for longer than 3 weeks, say, I become quite cynical about things and catastrophize about him, me or our relationship.When we were getting to know each other, I asked him about his prior relationships and sexual experience and he revealed he was a virgin until 17, and quite reclusive, introverted and almost psychologically delayed for his age. His first girlfriend, whom he lost his virginity to, was a popular extroverted 13 yr old. I was quite shocked to hear this and really angry that as a 17 yr old he would consider going out with someone so young. I consider it statutory rape, despite the fact that it seemed to have been a loving, warm relationship. I was nowhere near dating at that age so it's hard for me to imagine a 13 yr old going out with a 17yr old. He doesn't feel there was anything wrong with it. His subsequent girlfriends were 15, 17 and 22. He is a sensitive, caring, emotionally aware guy now. I see him as a soulmate and we're already engaged (after knowing each other for 8 months). Both of us are shy introverts. Tonight i find myself worrying if he is/was a paedophile because of this first relationship of his. Am I worrying needlessly and splitting hairs about this short (5 month) relationship first relationship between a 17yr old and a 13yr old? Am i trying to find reasons to sabotage or slow down my relationship with him? I tend to overanalyze things anyway.So confused.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (11 February 2010):
 Exactly, things have to be looked at in their cultural context and every situation is different.
The country he belongs to has a legal age of 14, and probably has special laws that allow older teenagers to date younger ones. Their teenagers may develop differently to ours. Until recently the age of consent in canada was 14, and therefore our advice to teenagers has to take this into consideration. In many states in America the age of consent is 16, and I often have to jump in and stop American aunts from telling 16year old teenagers off for wanting advice about sex.
Plus, teenage boys and teenage girls mature differently. She may have been emotionally and physical more mature than her age, whilst he might have been developmental more delayed. Parents consented, and saw this as a suitable teenage romance. It's not ideal, but it's not perverted, it's about right for their circumstances at the time.
Brilliant that you have the type of relationship where you can talk about these things. It's wonderfull that you are also a sensible woman, you see dangers, but instead of jumping to conclusions you go and get advice and some facts. You judge your opinions based on the evidence, and I agree totally with everything you say.
Thank you very much for sharing your problem with us, good luck to you and your boyfriend and I hope your relationship continues to stay this open it's a very good sign. Relax and learn to trust people, if he's gonna hurt you eventually then worrying it before hand just spoils the good times and doesn't help at all. If he's a good guy, your denying yourself of love.
A
female
reader, DeepBlueSkies +, writes (10 February 2010):
DeepBlueSkies is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all who answered, it's much appreciated. I had a very, VERY long talk with him about this, previously reading up on the law of different countries and emotional consequences etc, and he answered all my questions fully. The girl was either close to or already 14, which would have been legal there. Personally, I wish he had waited until she was MUCH older, like 16 or 18 minimum. The relationship sounds very much like a normal teenage love kind, taking into consideration why they liked each other, how they were together and their maturity. Apparently the parents of BOTH parties also knew about their relationship and I do trust his parents' judgement. They're very moral people and I don't believe they would have let him carry on just because he was the boy.
Culturally speaking, their country is also very liberal about teenage sex and the situation seems to have been acceptable there in society, although it is still hard for ME to accept it as it is unthinkable in the UK culture and I wouldn't allow it if I had a say, even if it was lawful.
Also as he became more mature, so did his girlfriends, and he relates quite healthily to the opposite sex - is respectful, kind, emotionally aware etc.
All in all, I don't want to make it okay just because I am with him but thinking about things carefully - taking into consideration the relationship, the culture, what the law was and what kind of people they were.
Thanks again everyone x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): Hun he doesn't belong to you. He belongs to PRISON.
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A
male
reader, AvgGuy1  +, writes (9 February 2010):
I just wanna point out the fact that you asked him a question to which, it sounds like, HE was totally honest. Now you are turning it against him? What would you do/have done had he lied to you and you'd found out years from now (like at a high school reunion or something).
Granted, what he did was technically wrong, but NONE of us know the nature of the relationship between him and the girl other than their age difference. It could have been HER that initiated everything. Just because he was older doesn't necessarily mean he was the one in control of the situation/relationship. I, myself, recall dating a couple of younger (tho not that young) girls when I was in high school who were VERY aggressive.
I think you need to reconsider your position and be GREATFUL he was truthful, and open with you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): Hmmm sounds like a pervert and child molester to me. You better stay as far as possible from this dangerous man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): Statutory rape, if the law says you have to be 16+ to have sex yes. If the law says 18+ you're getting close to statutory rape. Although, it's in the long gone past. There's nothing we can do about the past, and all of us have some not so nice secrets in our pasts of things that weren't quite right.
If it comforts you, I have these thoughts about my boyfriends too (past and current one). I try not to think about it and just avoid the topic altogether. For example, an ex of mine's first time was at 14 with his cousin. I think that's disgusting. But I was already in love with him, and something he did when he was a stupid immature 14 year old wasn't going to ruin the relationship. I simply avoided the topic and tried to forget about it. My current boyfriend lost his virginity at 14 with an 18 year old (or so he said the first time, but changed the age to 17 year old.. so Im not quite sure). I still think that at 14, 17 or 18 would be too old for him and that this girl was simply using him. I don't like that he had sex with her, but hey, it's his body and I really have no right to complain about what he decided to do with it. Also my current bf was in his teens a guy who did many mistakes, for example took the virginity of some of his friends without having a relationship with them, he would drink while under aged and even throw up in his parents car. All these things I recent, and would have NEVER dated him if we met as teenagers.
But thats all in the past. People grow and learn from their mistakes. He is a lot more responsible now, like your guy. He knows that not all the things he did was right, and he wouldn't do them again. So remember that, your boyfriend is not 17 years old anymore. He was young and dumb. But he's not that way any more.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (9 February 2010):
 Ok to set things straight here: the legal definition is as follows:
pedophilia n. an obsession with children as sex objects.
Now what he did was against the law, and what he did makes him a sex offender. It does not though imply that his sexual preference is for children.
The age gap between them at the time was 4 years - that is quite a normal age gap for many couples. The part that is not normal though is how young she was - at 13 she was barely a teenager and a 17 year old, who is almost an adult and should have not abused his position of power over this girl. 4 years between a couple when they are say 20 and 24 is fine, but when the youngest involved is below the legal age of consent then that is where it becomes wrong.
My indication would be that while what he did was very wrong and he should be seriously ashamed of himself, it does not mean he is a pedophile. I think if he describes himself as being "psychologically delayed" when he was 17, then that could explain why he looked to younger girls as he may have felt on the same level as them in terms of maturity.
If this really concerns you I would talk to him - come clean and say that you are struggling with the idea of what he did because it was statutory rape, and can he maybe explain why he went for someone so young and why he chose to sleep with her despite knowing the legal age of consent. At least if he gives you a bit more info it might help you to get your head around it.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): OMG! Of course he sounds like a pedophile to me. Whey the hell would a 17 year old be with a 13 year old? Did the 13 year old really understand what she was doing and all the consequences? I doubt. She was a kid, at 13 yo she WAS DEFINITELY a kid. He, at 17, was not a kid. It is obvious that he took advantage of her young age to satisfy his sick sexual desires. Would you like someone like that to be your bf? Watch him closely anyway, may be he has a hobby now of hanging around nurseries or something.
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A
female
reader, DeepBlueSkies +, writes (9 February 2010):
DeepBlueSkies is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have also just looked up the age of consent in that country and it was 14.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (9 February 2010):
Whatever he says, it was statutory rape as she was under 16. And he knew about it, which would be enough to make me worry.
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A
male
reader, Faraday +, writes (9 February 2010):
 Sorry to disagree, Cerberus, but unless he was under 16 himself at the time, and he wasn't, a serious offence HAS been committed under UK law.
I have no idea what the law says in your country but it is quite specific here.
We are here to give advice that is relevant to where the OPs live, which I did, and not to argue amongst ourselves.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): No, him having sex with a 13 year old when he was 17 does not make him a paedophile.
Not even technically as Faraday suggests. Yeah it was illegal but has he been brought up on any charges? Just because he had sex with a minor when he himself was a teenager does not make him a paedophile, paedophilia is a sexual preference and can't be based on a single act, are all girls who kiss another girl lesbians? If so then I don't know any heterosexual women. Besides paedophiles are people with a sexual preference for pre-pubescents, that is kids under the age of 12. So Faraday is full of crap.
I know lots of girls that lost their virginity to older guys in fact most of the girls I know did.
This was ten years ago and the fact he seems to be comfortable about talking about it to you shows he's not trying to hide it, which is a good sign, do you think if he actually had a sexual preference for kids that he'd even bring it up?
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A
male
reader, Faraday +, writes (9 February 2010):
Technically, yes, as the law states that anyone under 16 in the UK is incapable of giving consent so no consent is assumed - hence it is statutory rape.
If reported, he could be placed on the Sex Offenders Register, no matter how innocent or consensual he thought it was and could even go to prison.
I would worry; it doesn't bode well for your relationship and he might still be looking for younger whilst he is with you.
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