A
female
age
41-50,
*ventHorizon
writes:Hi all,Just a question I would like to ask other users here. If you are in a loving, committed relationship with your soul mate whom you love dearly but find out they have meaningless cybersex (without masturbating) would you consider it cheating?. I am a bit confused if it is cheating or not. Any input or a different perspective would be great. Thank you!
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female
reader, largentsgirl89  +, writes (1 June 2013):
 Not your fault. This is his fault and he is flipping the roles so you are the one that feels guilty. Don't wait it out, move on and far away from him.
He can't trust you? He is the one that was caught and he cheated on you. This is not your fault. Don't let him make you out to be the bad guy.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2013):
This is ABSOLUTELY not your fault. Got it?
He was actively looking for a way out of the relationship for whatever reason, he was too scared to just come straight out and say that until now, but you couldn't stop that.
Follow through his actions;
-He 'cyber-cheated'
-He told you that he'd 'cyber-cheated'
-He all but encouraged you to break it off with him for this telling you hat he'd break up with you if you'd done the same to him.
-He then shut-down instead of trying to work it through with you. i.e he backed off and left you to deal with the hurt he'd caused by yourself. He made no effort to beg you to stay with him, to promise to do everything that he could to make it up to you, and didn't shower you with apologetic love and affection.
-He then used your losing trust in him as 'a stick to beat you with' (but how else could you be expected to react- he deserved to lose your trust?!)
-If that wasn't enough, he then directed accusations at you for the distant past for no particular reason.
-Then he tells you that he doesn't trust your answer and accuses you of lying to him.
This was a calculated string of excuses to try and get out of the relationship. You were so understanding and forgiving that he had to keep causing more and more issues to try and get you break things off so that he wouldn't have... which eventually he had to do as he was left with no other choice.
It may not seem like it now, but there are many positives.
It leaving it to him to man-up and break things off if that's what he wanted you finally know exactly where you stand. You did everything right, you were understanding and gave him ample chances to pull it together- so you can have no regrets in your own behaviour, which was unimpeachable.
You deserve better than him, and now you have the freedom to find someone who will treat you as you deserve.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (31 May 2013):
 Your ex boyfriend is a cheating, lying, prick. I agree with the others. He cheated. Then he tried to blame YOU for it. Just to top it off. Because.. why, you never cheated on him, and you aren't obligated to tell him about whatever you did before you met him. Yet, somehow, you having talked to or even been with someone else before him, is now grounds for him to not only cheat on you, but also to not trust you?
This is a cop-out, and nothing else. Do not believe him for a second, this is NOT your fault. He cheated. Then he didn't know how to get out of his own mess, and figured a good offense is a good defense. So instead of owning up to his actions he went attacking you instead. It's both immature, cruel, and extremely tacky. I mean EVERYONE can see through this, it's a low game to play, and at the level of a 5 year old with a tantrum.
Do not believe a word of it. You only take this to heart now because you care for him, but you'll see later on. This is all about him being too immature to own up to his actions, hence he tries to blame YOU for his inadequacy.
You did nothing wrong, other than being gullible when someone feeds you a bunch of BS. But it's understandable, when you love someone you only want to see the good in them. Just goes to show that he doesn't love you, because he wants to blame you, put the guilt on you, cheated on you, and tops it off by leaving you because all you wanted was to be with him.
There are better men out there! Really! And once you've healed your heart and gotten of this guy, you will be much happier. Believe me, you'll look back at this and think what a GREAT thing is was that he dumped you, because he wasn't worth keeping around. You did nothing wrong, you just loved the wrong man.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 May 2013):
 He can't trust YOU? *snorting out my coffee*
Oh he's a prime jerk, very manipulative and dramatic.
Someday, you will be so relieved he's out of your life.
Block him, ASAP.
Call all your friends and family and get their support now. You're off to a better life, you just can't see that yet.
And it is NOT your fault.
He is indeed a prick, a jerk, an asshole. :)
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (31 May 2013):
 Do NOT let this asshole convince you that this is YOUR FAULT. He cheated and is such an immature self-centered jerk that he would rather make you feel like crap than own up to his own mistakes.
He cheated, got caught, and then manipulated you into blaming yourself. Do not blame yourself, you did nothing wrong. You just caught him in his lie and he couldn't cope.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (31 May 2013):
 YOUR fault ?! What a nerve. Don't buy that for a sec, - the man is a shameless cheater, and all this speech about 2trust " and " truth " are totally pot calls kettle black. - Your indiscretions , if so we want to call them, but you were not with him anyway ! are in the PAST ( and frankly I don't see what differences does it make if you have cybered 5 times or 15 . It's OK to be open about the past, in the substance of the facts that compose it, but ,do we have to be maniacally detailed too ?! ). He was cheating with you in the PRESENT.
I guess that your not so soulmatish soulmate was already a bit tired of the relationship,hence his search for cyberdistractions. He got busted, and took your very normal uopset and reactions as an excuse to make his exit.
You call him a soulmate, I call him a prick. Now you are understandably a bit shocked, but I hope, in fact I am sure, that in a not too far future you'll see that you have not lost anything valuable.
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female
reader, EventHorizon +, writes (31 May 2013):
EventHorizon is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for responses and time out to write. No he dumped me last night:( I am so distraught and broken. We discussed before we got together, if I had cybered with anyone. I left out some details in the past I guess, told him about it now but he says he can not trust me to be truthful anymore. I am totally truthful now, but guess if he does not trust me, just have to wait it out. Guess its my fault. Anyway thanks once again for responses.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2013): I see it simply that HE is the one at fault, he admits it fully, to the extent that he tells you that HE would break up with you if you had done to him what he did to you.As well as this, he has somehow used te possibility of your no longer trusting him as a stick to beat him with?! Right now, he does not deserve your trust- he has to earn that.By rights- HE should be the one making all of the effort to fix this.But instead of showering you with love and affection and begging you to stay with him, he is refusing to communicate and work through this with you. And on top of that, he has now started throwing unjustified accusations at you and telling you that he doesn't trust your word. Does this guy even WANT to stay with you and work through this? -He seems to be trying to fight his way out of the relationship altogether? He's all but told you to break up with him.Either he was looking for a way out but was too scared to tell you- or he is too guilty too stay with you as he would have to face up to his shame and disappointment in what he has done to you.I think that you need to be very clear to him about what you need from him right now IF he has any chance of keeping you; his efforts to repair the damage he has done. Explain to him that anything less than this would be the final nail in the coffin, and that you would take this as HIM breaking up with YOU - not the other way round. Be very clear about this with him- you deserve to know where you stand, so don't give him any leeway to make any 'I didn't understand...' excuses.
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (30 May 2013):
Acid test for what's appropriate -
If your SO did the same exact thing, would you consider it appropriate?
Works 100% of the time....
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female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (30 May 2013):
If you both aren't aware of what is going on, if your relationship isn't an "open" one or the person is hiding it from the other, then yes, it is cheating.
Although if he is your "soulmate" i don't understand what he is doing in an online chatroom or private messaging anyone.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (30 May 2013):
You've got yourself a slick one ! So now, he is the one cheating... but you are the one that has to " defend " herself ? Don't let him pull the wool over your eyes , this is a ( childish ) deflecting tactic : turning the focus from what he did wrong NOW , during this supposedly loving committed relationship, to what you did even before you ever were together. Why does he not also accuse you of having stolen from the cookie jar when you were 6, while he is at it ?!
Don't be confused, be FIRM. This is cheating, by your standards, by HIS standards, and by most people's standards- but even if it weren't , it is something that you do not want to bring or tolerate in your relationship. There is not even , IMo, much need for long and complicated negotiations and discussions, once he is out of lockdown. he can stay locked as much as he wants, the fact remains that he , by his own admission, comitted a dumpworthy infraction. So, if you do not want to dump him ( which does not sound such a bad idea ,though , seen how entitled he is acting ) and you are ready to give him another chance and rebuild the trust, this trust must be rebuilt according certain ( reasonable ) modalities ,terms and conditions that YOU deem opportune. Everybody would understand that it's not enough saying " oops, sorry " to rebuild instant trust. So ,either he is so dumb that he does not get it ( doubtful ) or, he is bullying and manipulating you into taking him back AND letting him do the heck he wants without even the right to voice objections. Don't back down. I know that you are afraid to lose your loving soulmate- but if keeps acting sly and oppositional, he is totally NOT ( your soulmate ) anyway.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 May 2013):
So he's defending himself by suggesting that you are cheating? Nice. Very nice tactic of a guilty person.
Does he go on "lockdown" (I assume that means ignoring you) often when upset? Does he deal with problems by ignoring them and you? Does he often accuse you of cheating?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2013): I understand your frustration. Let me give my successful relationship of three years as a example. When my boyfriend and I became exclusive property about three and a half years ago we sat down and covered all avenues of our relationship. We covered x relationships, sextexting, porn ,going to strip clubs. And we also covered passwords and I Phone codes. I don't like any other sex other than with my boyfriend. He understands that but we covered this over three years ago. When my I phone fell into the pool he gave me his to use for the week while I was waiting for my new one to come in. I had all the passwords and access to facebook,twitter etc. I am naturally curious and I accessed all the sites he gave me passwords to . No surprises, no betrayals here. Can you say you have anything close to what I have in my relationship. Read my lips on this. Cyber sex, online porn, sex texting is cheating.
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female
reader, EventHorizon +, writes (29 May 2013):
EventHorizon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo spoke to him and he is questioning me about how many people I may have cybered with before I was with him. Told him, doesn't believe me and a bit annoyed with me now. I don't think that is the issue, for as long as I have been with him I never ever once cybered with anyone else:'(. He told me had had to go and I didn't get a chance to defend myself. The issue is the present and how we move on from it, not talking about what I may have done in the past. I just feel so frustrated and distraught. Thank you for posts. Still a bit confused.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 May 2013):
I thought the problem was that you couldn't decide if it was cheating or not?
Shall we get to the new problem as it is now being clarified?
It appears your current problem is that because of his bad behavior, you have lost trust in him and made a rather reasonable request that he stop contact with the woman he cybersex-chatted with. He acknowledges that your loss of trust is reasonable and understands that.
So as a result of his bad behavior, he goes on 'lockdown' which presumably means he has stopped contact with you and refuses to discuss the bad behavior and the consequences thereof.
He acknowledges that if you, his soul mate, had behaved in the same manner, he would break up with you, no working it out, no discussions, no issues.
So your soul mate is basically a hypocrite, or what could be happening here is that he has engineered things so that you have to break up with him (he did say that he would split with you if you did what he did) and that leaves the onus of the relationship (working it out or splitting) all on you.
He sounds like an appalling soul mate.
I would probably just treat this as a break up and go on as if it were. Tell your friends you need their support and tell them why. There's nothing like some good girlfriend bonding at times like these.
I don't see how any of his recent actions qualify as 'loving' so I would have to assume that the 'loving' part for him is fading and he feels less like 'loving' you and more like cheating on you and then ignoring you. Those are not loving actions, nor are they the actions of a man committed to you. They are the actions of a spoiled child who has been caught with his hand in the cookie jar, or worse, they are the actions of a man who is on his way out of the relationship.
Treat this as a break up. If he wants to be with you he's going to have to earn it now. Playing ostrich isn't a grown up thing to do.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (29 May 2013):
Everything you do that you can't tell your partner about, is cheating. Whether it is a secret date with someone who is romantically interested in you (even if there's no physical contact). Or if it's deep, intimate conversations with someone online who you never will meet, yet can't introduce to your partner... That's cheating too. Anyone and anything you keep SECRET from your partner.
If both are open about it, and everyone is okay with what is happening, then it isn't cheating.
But if you have a problem with a partner cybering, and you tell them you disapprove of it, and they still do it, then it is cheating. It's the same as him having sex with someone else in this sense: you disapprove of him sleeping with someone else, yet if he does it anyway it is cheating. If you were fine with it, it wouldn't be cheating even if he had sex with someone. That's what the definition of cheating is.
In this particular case, I would say he did cheat. He knew he wasn't supposed to get into a sexual conversation with another girl. Or perhaps, he didn't realize it until it was too late, which is why he confessed. He knew he did something wrong. The question is, why did he do it? And no, he shouldn't talk to this girl again, because she is the person who wants to engage in sexual conversation with him. And sorry, but if he wanted you to trust him then he shouldn't have gotten sexual with her. By doing this he shows he doesn't know when to stop, and hence he shouldn't get himself into situations where he will be tempted again. Him wanting to speak to her in private again only shows that he wants to continue with the sexual talk. If not, there are tonnes of other people online he can talk to who DOESN'T get all cybersexy with him.
Be on guard. He's up to no good.
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female
reader, EventHorizon +, writes (29 May 2013):
EventHorizon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo no he does understand. That is one of the problems, he said if he was me it would be over, doesn't understand why I want to continue I guess. Said he has a thought that whatever he says to me now I think will be meaningless so why should be bother and has withdrawn his affection. If anything I need the reassurance and for him to tell him how he feels, and lots of affection to know he still cares rather than being cold and distant.
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female
reader, EventHorizon +, writes (29 May 2013):
EventHorizon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo he understands why I may have a lack of trust in him right now, and it is niggly yet funny enough my intuition trusts him implicitly and I have the faith in him not to do it again. I know he wont hurt me like that again, just getting him out of lockdown is the problem.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 May 2013):
 Seriously if he cannot understand why you don't trust him after his bad behavior you have a bigger problem then him having cyber sex with a stranger.
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female
reader, EventHorizon +, writes (29 May 2013):
EventHorizon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry I'm slow today, no its a real relationship. Thank you for explaining.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 May 2013):
"but he said I don't trust him and asking him to do that was a manisfestation of my lack of trust in him" … um, is he kidding? Of course you don't trust him, he got all cybersexy with another woman. The man who is supposedly a loving, committed partner can't understand that you have lost trust in him? Is he really that thick?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 May 2013):
The Idiot Formerly Known As Soul Mate = TIFKASM (the first letter of each word makes the new label, you see?)
Are you together in real life or is this an online relationship?
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female
reader, EventHorizon +, writes (29 May 2013):
EventHorizon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry what is TIFKASM?
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female
reader, EventHorizon +, writes (29 May 2013):
EventHorizon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell we both go to this online chat room from time to time. Neither of us speak to anyone from it on any messaging device like skype or msn etc but there is a facility that you can private message. We both became friendly with this one girl, she pm's him sometimes (and me too) anyway he said she got playful and one thing lead to another and the content got sexual. I felt hurt, betrayed and a bit humiliated.He said he was sorry, that I am blameless and a lack of trust on my part would be justified. He is not bitching at me at all.I asked him not to speak to said girl in pm ever again or a couple of other girls he sometimes speaks to but he said I don't trust him and asking him to do that was a manisfestation of my lack of trust in him. I thought it was a fairly reasonable request given circumstances and shouldn't bother him. I don't talk to any other man out of consideration to him. Since he said he needs to get his discipline back and has gone on radio silence with me. I trust him not to hurt me this way again. I can forgive him but I don't know how to get him out of lockdown so we can talk it out and troubleshoot, repair and move forward. I love him very much and we can work it out. Just hurts when he is on lockdown, I'm the type that needs to talk it out and not wait but i'll give him space.Thank you for your responses, it helps with another perspective.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 May 2013):
TIFKASM, the individual (or idiot) formerly known as Soul Mate.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (29 May 2013):
If he is your soulmate who loves you dearly in a loving committed relationship, what in the world is he doing having meaningless cybersex with strangers ? ( with or without emission of fluids ? ) That does not sound too soulmatish to me...
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 May 2013):
If it's a sexual interaction with another individual that is kept hidden from the loving, committed partner, yeah, that's cheating.
Are you arguing over semantics? Has he managed to move the topic of debate from "I fucked up, I had cybersex with someone" to "it's not cheating, it means nothing and no bodily fluids were expelled from my testes therefore it's fine and you shouldn't be bitching at me about it"?
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (29 May 2013):
I am not sure if you are talking about yourself or your partner here, but it sounds like your partner.
It's really about how you feel. There is no cut and dry cheating versus not cheating, it's individual to each couple. Especially when it comes to internet matters, since that's made everything much fuzzier than it used to be. So you have to ask yourself how you feel about it, as that's really all that matters. Do you feel cheated on by it? I think most couples would not be OK with it, but this isn't about most couples, this is about you and your partner.
So you have three choices. One is to ignore it if you feel OK with it (I'm guessing that isn't the case since you are here). Two is to speak to him about it and let him know you aren't OK with this in the relationship (since most couples wouldn't be) and three is to simply dump him if you feel cheated on.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2013): If you are in a loving and committed relationship with your soulmate, you would not be on the internet chatting it up or having cybersex with a complete stranger, or anyone else for that matter. If it's meaningless, then why would anyone engage in it? Because it means something. End of story.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 May 2013):
Cheating is defined by the couple. IF your rules say that any sexual activity with others is cheating, then it's cheating.
In our house the cheating rule is:
ANYTHING you can't won't or don't tell your partner is cheating.
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female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (29 May 2013):
 If both parties agree to it and think it's okay, obviously it's not cheating.
But if one or both parties in the relationship consider it breaking the boundaries of respect in their relationship, then it's a problem.
So, in my relationship yes, cybersex would be cheating. However in some relationships, people do not consider cybersex to be cheating and both answers are fine. No one but the people involved in the relationship can make the boundaries that fit that relationship.
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