A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am concerned that my bfs constant access to a never ending stream of physically perfect women in porn to look at and masturbate to is causing him to get bored with my appearance.He simply doesn't seem excited by the sight of me anymore yet if he sees a naked woman on computer doing exactly the same pose he is instantly excited . Is this normal . Is any man excited by an average looking female body anymore or do we all need to look like constantly morphing perfect women
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (15 July 2014):
 Physically perfect? Have you ever looked at porn? There are no physically perfect women in porn. They all have an issue someplace. Quit your worries,nobody is perfect!
A
female
reader, HappyPlace +, writes (15 July 2014):
 He needs to stop the porn - at least for a while. Tell him it is an experiment. The overuse of porn has deadened his desire for you. Go to yourbrainonporn and see this for yourself. His brain has been rewired to get excited by porn only and the variety. Men's desire can lessen towards their partner over time (and women's desire too) so viewing a never ending variety on the screen is dangerous in my opinion. He's getting the "high" from looking at other ladies. In fact, as I have gained an increased spiritual awareness over the years, I find the idea of looking at porn laughable. If you need porn to get your jollies, then you are doing yourselves a disservice. Yes, women do compare themselves and this is normal (but not good). To try and tell you not to compare is to not understand the human condition. Women are faced everyday with perfect images in the media and if you don't measure up then you are judged - absolutely shocking. Listen, your partner needs to stop. If he doesn't, then I hope you find the courage to leave him . Good luck x
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A
female
reader, underdog +, writes (12 July 2014):
If there's anything I've learned in my 2 year relationship, it's not to compare yourself to porn (or other women for that matter). First off all it will just make you miserable and lower your self esteem. MOST men do get attracted to the average female body. MOST men would probably prefer their girlfriend's bodies to the one of a porn star because MOST men realise that porn and porn star's are fake. Their bodies are enhanced through things like plastic surgery and airbrushing. I'm a firm believer in the fact that if a man loves you enough porn is just a form of entertainment to get pleasure out of. He's not really looking at their bodies, more the act and what they are doing. If he's more turned on by porn, than you there's a problem and it's not with you.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt +, writes (11 July 2014):
"Physically perfect"? you obviously don't view much porn. It's not what they look like..It's what they do that turns men on. They could look like alien creatures for all that matters. Don't try to compair yourself. The guys in porn aren't "all that" either, just well endowed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2014): "Is any man excited by an average looking female body anymore"
Yes they are, and they more common than you think. Don't let this man make you think not. There are plenty of men out there enjoying the real thing while he is enjoy the screen. He is the one missing out, if you think about it. Don't miss out because of him. You have the choice to date men who would enjoy your body and love have sex with you. So why choose to be with someone who not only won't have sex with you, but makes you feel bad about your looks because you don't look like someone else? What kind of a deal is that?
My English isn't the best, but I hope you can understand what I wrote and, I hope I helped.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2014): Yes very!!! it's all well and good looking at porn and fake acting and emotions that are shown, but there is nothing more of a turn on than having really chemistry with someone, you wanting them and them in turn wanting you. After all porn is an unrealistic expectation and at the end of the day i'm pretty sure no computer monitor or TV is going to want to jump a guys bones...
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A
female
reader, cupid lover  +, writes (10 July 2014):
Watching porn is toxic. Completely messes with your 'real' sex life as you are learning. I would be having serious talks with him.
A friend of mine went through this. His problem was so bad that he quit his job and watched it 50% of the time!! So it was an extreme case but really why does he need to watch it so much if he has you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2014): No wise old owl he shouldn't feel inadequate compared to the men in poem because I am not in the habit of getting off to them. That's my point.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2014): On the same logic behind your thinking; shouldn't he feel inadequate in comparison to the well-endowed guys in the porn videos? They are muscular and have much larger penises than the average guy.
I take your question to mean, should he prefer masturbation to a video of an imaginary portrayal of the perfect woman, over a real-live female?
I guess that depends. If he wants to have real-sex with meaning; or if he just wants to masturbate and get-off.
All efforts made to explain what he thinks will be futile. Perhaps he wasn't that attracted to you to begin with, and porn is his chosen alternative to having real-sex.
Too much playing with yourself and self-manipulation will cause a certain amount of insensitivity over-time. Laziness is often another factor. Some guys prefer getting-off in a few minutes to a video; to having sex with a lazy self-loathing female, who really just lies there anyway. Feeling she isn't all that pretty. It kills the mood.
It is possible he was always into porn, and you happened to come along. Now he has lost interest in having a relationship. Not just with you, with anyone. It would follow, he's no longer excited about having sex; or anything else that requires him to show you affection. Intimacy just isn't his thing.
How much are you willing to put up with; before you decide you've had enough from him? How much does it take for you to decide a relationship isn't working? Why blame it on watching porn?
If you feel he isn't attracted to you, the most sensible remedy is to dump him; and find another boyfriend. If you're convinced porn is spoiling his perception of you as a woman, then you should leave him and find someone else.
It doesn't stop there, you find yourself a women's support-group; and learn how to rebuild your self-confidence and self-esteem. Learn to understand that men can actually be attracted to you as you are. It's a matter of choosing the right guy. Getting rid of the wrong one; when you find it isn't working out. No matter what you do.
If you feel being average is unattractive; the problem isn't with your boyfriend. It's how you feel about yourself and your body-image.
There are things that you can find unattractive about another person's body; if they just let it go. I'm not going to stroke your ego; and tell you a man should be sexually aroused by a sloppy fat messy body, if they love you. That's not true. An average body is what almost everybody has. It's other unpleasant imperfections that may not be that attractive. Like hygiene, breath, or saggy loose skin. Nature isn't always kind, and some women are even less kind to their bodies by avoiding exercise; or bad diet and nutrition. They don't like what they have, so they see no reason to maintain or fix it up. Well,I'm a guy and I care how I look, and how I feel about me first!
Men get beer-bellies, some have ugly flat butts, baldness, and have hair in awful places. I'm gay, and I have seen some pretty ugly penises. You'd be a liar if you tell me women find that attractive. They don't have to get an erection to have sex! They can fake orgasms. Just because they don't say anything, or may not like porn; doesn't mean the tables don't turn.
Women expect emotional-expression you read about in novels and see in the movies. Most men can't live-up to those imaginary romantic characters in soap-operas and love stories. There are men who are real romantics, but they do tire of trying to keep it up. The more you give; the more a needy-greedy person wants. Romance is something triggered according to the mood,time,and place. It helps when your partner brings out the best in you.
If a man or a woman never does anything to adorn themselves; and always dragging around an "I don't give a shit" attitude. I think that combined with a unkempt body can be a turnoff. Flabbiness in itself is not attractive; if you compare it to tight and firm.
If it's someone you really care for, a little weight-gain or chubbiness is not that noticeable when it's a gradual process over-time. You get really used to it.
Your mind doesn't seem to focus so much on their physical imperfections, when you truly and deeply love a person.
The fire remains; because its the right chemistry and energy between a couple. They are able to age together, and still maintain that chemistry. If you just love someone who doesn't love you back, and you aren't smart enough to end it. Shut-up or put-up.
If it isn't there or it burns out; you have a responsibility to work to recapture it. Or, to let them go.
Move on, until you find someone able to offer what you need. That is, if you have something to give in exchange.
I know a large number of people complain, but if you got the whole story; we'd see why the partner is the way they are.
Some people make a lot of demands on others, and don't give sh*t in return. They have a strong sense of entitlement, yet they have so little going for them. It's always the men. We make women feel awful about themselves.
Yes, the wrong man for you; will make you feel awful. Unlike relatives, you do get to choose them.
Perhaps it is now time to move on, and stop making excuses for sticking it out with a guy who doesn't care that much for you. Blaming yourself, and your own body isn't fair.
Placing unfair sexist stereotypes on all men isn't fair either.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (9 July 2014):
I prefer real looking women. There are plenty of those in porn, so I avoid the fake barbies on the occasion that I do watch porn.
However, some guys like that look. Maybe he is one of them, but it's more likely that he appreciates variation.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 July 2014):
 Are you saying that you are not having sex with him. That he never wants to have relations with you? If he NEVER wants to have sex with you and prefers porn then there's an issue.
If you have been together a long enough time that you are out of the honeymoon phase, but still having relations on a regular basis, then just because you 'strike a pose" and he doesn't instantly want to jump your bones does not mean he's lost his attraction to you...
"he doesn't SEEM excited" doesn't mean he does not desire you.
i would want more details before I determine if porn is the issue or a smoke screen for a bigger problem or that there isn't a problem with the situation but rather a problem with your interpretations of his reactions.
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A
female
reader, YoungButNotNaive  +, writes (9 July 2014):
 I apologize, I didn't see your followup until I already submitted my answer. What I said at the end, I wouldn't change though. Women with all different types of looks have dealt with this problem. There is still no "one size fits all" look that men prefer.
I also stick by what I said about how to handle this. Especially if your boyfriend has actually told you he thinks the women he looks at are "perfect" and you "aren't", then I highly doubt things will change. This is verbal abuse, and you shouldn't put up with it.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (9 July 2014):
Dear OP,
In what way are you "not perfect" to him, that other women are? Did he ever tell you that he physically prefers something in women that you don't have? Did he ever tell you he watches porn with women who, in a way, look more perfect to him than you?
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt +, writes (9 July 2014):
chigirl has it right!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2014): Sorry I should have explained what I meant by perfect women because I do understand that the women are not always perfect . I have seen plenty of porn and what I meant is perfect for him. In other words he had unlimited access to a never ending supply of women he considers to be perfect ( whatever that happens to be ) and I fear this has caused him to
Totally lose interest in me physically
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 July 2014):
 Your question is based on some false assumptions. You believe that men watch porn because of "perfect" women in porn. I watch porn too (which you probably don't, hence your false assumption) and women in porn look just like any other women in real life. Of course, you can find the plastic bimbos with enormous boobs, yet everything about them is fake, and the sexual acts are also a display of poor acting. Then you have normal amateur videos of real couples having sex, or at least amateur wanna-be porn stars. They look quite normal, I assure you. Then there's fetishes, thin women, large women, short women, tall women, groups of women, groups of men, big penises, anal, boobs, butts, cream pies you name it.
All in all, there's no set standard for what women look like in porn, and the notion of a "perfect body" exists only in your head, because you yourself have insecurities. Your insecurities play tricks on you, making you compare yourself with every other woman, and your insecurity always makes you come out short. Reality however, is that you're not comparable to a video. You're not comparable to other real life women either, because you are more than just the sum of your body parts.
But, trying to make you love yourself and your body is too much work and wont be possible to achieve in just one post. I suggest instead that you work on yourself and possibly see a therapist to work on your self esteem.
But, back to the problem! Because yes, there indeed is a real problem here in your relationship, although your original hypothesis was based on false assumptions. The real problem you face is this:
Your boyfriend is not interested in you sexually. He doesn't get excited by you. I'm going to guess here and say that he probably doesn't initiate sex either? Or at least not as often as before? Maybe he never initiated a lot to begin with?
How long have you been together? Did something drastically change in your sex life, or has it always been like this, or was is a slow decline?
It's got nothing to do with porn, or with whether or not you're a beautiful woman, I can assure you of that. But there is a problem here, with HIM. He is the one who has withdrawn and is no longer excited. The problem lies within him himself, not with anything else. Why this has become a problem I don't know. You will probably never know either. But if the relationship is worth salvaging you should try and talk about it.
Could be that he's just not in love with you any longer, and thus he's lost the interest in you sexually. Could be he's cheating and found someone else, and his guilt is keeping him from getting excited. Could be he's not that sexual of a person. Masturbation to porn is NOT a substitute for sex with another person, it's two different things that can't really be compared. He can very well be a non-sexual person, yet masturbate frequently. Him not being interested in sex with others in general does not mean he can't be interested in sex with himself.
Good luck with this. It's not a good feeling to feel rejected by the man you love, and you should think about whether or not this relationship is worth it. My fear is, things wont get better, and the sex life will get worse and worse, and your insecurities will just grow worse because of it. It's not a healthy relationship if you aren't on the same level sexually, because the one person will always end up feeling unwanted, not sexy enough, not good enough, rejected etc. And that feeling doesn't go away easily.
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