A
male
age
41-50,
*ruce lee
writes:It's me again. I have a complex question here. I know that not everyone will like what I am going to ask.My question is...Is an intimate relationship really worth all the arguments and heartache that come with it?I know that this question is depressing, but I would appreciate some intelligent answers.What are some of the pros and cons of a relationship? And why is it worth the heartache? Why should I bother ever asking a woman out? What's the point when the relationship might not be anything special?My Psychologist is trying to bully me into asking a woman out. He implies that I'm selfish if I chuck in the towel. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, bruce lee +, writes (21 February 2011):
bruce lee is verified as being by the original poster of the question I guess it's a tough question. Maybe I have psychological problems and I focus too much on all the negatives of life. And I guess it's true that anything worthwhile ain't going to come easy. A relationship is an example. It does not just magically happen for everyone.
Thanks for your answers. I know it takes time to reply to a question like this.
I don't really care whether or not I ever find a girlfriend. I am in a unique position. I have all sorts of other things on my mind.
Thanks again.
A
male
reader, shawncaff  +, writes (21 February 2011):
 There is an old proverb that says that anything worthwhile does not come easy. It's true in work and it is true in love, I think. Will there be heartache in a relationship? Of course. But building anything requires time and effort and some pain, but the reward is you will have something at the end of it.
What will you have? Someone whom you mean something to, someone to whom you are the center of their world, and someone who is the center of yours. Whom you can share joys and sorrows with, so you will not bear the load all by yourself. And someone whose joys and sorrows you can share, so you feel important and needed. And of course there is a family you can build.
It takes risks, time and effort. But nothing worthwhile comes easy. Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (21 February 2011):
 Hmm...maybe it is just the timing, or maybe it is the ambient music in the background, but I thought the question was interesting, and here is my take.
Up until a recent relationship, that ended badly and unexpectedly (I know, I have said that in several posts so far, but it is getting much better), I had many of the same questions.
I really had enjoyed being single for several years. I had gone out on dates or special occasions with easily 45 women during those years. The no make-up rocker chick, the yes make-up rocker chick (not emo, but close),the bipolar girl (at least she introduced me to Kings of Leon), the tattoo girl, the church lady, the nice girl, the mean bitch, the girl with two small dogs she loves way too much, the professional girl, the bipolar girl (another one), the cheater, the girl who liked xanax, the Sex and the City girl, the girl who lived too far away.
And every time there was quite a bit of initial attraction, and not even just lust. There were some fun shared experiences. We even met family on several occasions. But it never clicked for me.
I recently read about a triarchy of love. I won't pretend to remember all of the details. But the gist is this, there are three components to true and full love. Passion, Intimacy, and Commitment. When you get those three you really have it. And that is very rare.
Before this most recent relationship, which I thought was the first time I had truly been in love, I had several conversation with a good friend of mine. And I talked about how I just wondered whether I was cut out for this whole idea of continuing to look for that girl that would put that spark in me. If finding someone special was really supposed to make me forget about all the reasons I was hesitant to really give myself to someone.
And not long after those conversations I met this girl. And it was without question exactly what I had been assuming didn't exist. When that relationship ended suddenly, and I was really down about everything, that same friend called me. And we talked for a long time. And he said he wanted me to remember that conversation we had before, and to know that the relationship that I was mourning the loss of had answered the biggest question I had: Did I believe it was possible?
So, it didn't really matter that I later found out she was not the one for me, and that she would have probably only destroyed me in the end.
Because I had answered the more important question. And I have no doubt about the answer.
So what does that have to do with your specific questions about whether becoming intimate with someone is worth it, and what are the pros and cons?
Because when you meet the right person, it doesn't matter. :-)
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A
male
reader, kesson +, writes (21 February 2011):
In any long-term relationship, disagreements happen. Arguments happen. It's how you (and her) deal with these impasses gracefully and without being petty that make things work.
Relationships also don't just happen. Some folks get very serious very fast, but that just doesn't replace the bonds that grow with time together. Start light, and build it from there. Asking yourself "OMG IS SHE THE ONE" every time you interact with someone composed of two X chromosomes is one great way to drive yourself nuts. Take it easy, see what you like/don't like about her, then make your decision from there. It might not be some folks' style, but it works for me.
Have you ever dredged for gold? You have to pump, filter and sift through tons of mud and dirt to find that one little nugget. The embankment is there, all you have to do is start digging.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (21 February 2011):
 A good intimate relationship should not be full of arguments.
In a good relationship there is harmony.
Are you sure that you like who you are and accept who you are, warts and all? If yes then you will be easier to love.
If you embrace "I'm OK and you're OK and are judgmental you will be easier to live with.
If you know who you are and what is important to you
If you know what your values are
What your attitudes are to a multitude of issues.
If you know what are deal breakers for you in a relationship
If you do not engage in power struggles
Then if all the above, if taken into account will help you form a happy relationship.
The opposite will make life difficult for you and others.
Your psychologist maybe challenging you to try. But I do hope the psychologist is not bullying you as that is not what a good one does. But throwing out a challenge, for you to consider is not bullying. It is still your choice to accept the challenge or come up with good reasons "why not".
A bad relationship is beyond horrible.
A good relationship is wonderful and worth everything. That does not mean that a good relationship is 24/7 hearts and flowers. Gee I had to negotiate talking time yesterday. Because he needed to be elsewhere. So what did I get? Seven minutes talking time at the airport. While he went through all the things he wanted to say, without one hint of an interruption. But if you love someone you know things will work out fair in the long run.
But if you are not yet ready to put your little toe in the water (dating) yet then negotiate with your psychologist a little longer to prepare yourself for the event.
And then make an action plan on what you need to do to be better prepared to date.
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