A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Is a 17 year age gap too big? I’ve being dating a man who’s 17 year older than me. He’s got three kids to two different women. He’s never been married and I don’t know what went wrong with the two ex’s. It’s early days so I don’t want to ask too many questions yet. We don’t spend a lot of time together due to work commitments and him having two of these kids a lot. I feel like we are at different stages of our lives and I fully understand that his kids are his first priority but I do really like him. I’m just wondering, do I go with it or is the age gap too big and he has too many commitments to fit me in his life? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2021): Age is just a number Ive liked many people much younger than me and much older if two people like each other go for it and take it as it is
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female
reader, Mb2435  +, writes (18 August 2021):
Sounds like drama. Move cautiously
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male
reader, kenny  +, writes (16 August 2021):
 I agree with the other aunts that have previously answered, i don't think this is about the age gap at all.
In answer to your question anyway, if a couple love each other, both are over the legal age of consent, and more importantly neither of the people have an issue with it then i don't see a 17 year age gap a problem.
In this scenario i think he situation is going to be too much for you.
This guy obviously does not like wearing protection when he has sex, so on that basis is he going to have baby number 4 with you.
By you own admission you say you are both at different stages of your lives. You don't see each other that much due to work commitments.
I'm not saying he is a bad person, i'm just saying i feel that this relationship is not right for you at this point in your life.
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female
reader, ConfusedCarrie84 +, writes (16 August 2021):
Why would you want to be with a man who has 3 children to 2 different women and has never married any of those women? That in itself is a red flag.
You will never be a priority to this man because his children will come first then the mothers to those children then you.
Save yourself from giving this man any of your time and invest it in someone who will make you a priority.
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female
reader, malvern +, writes (16 August 2021):
 You are young and a have life ahead of you. He has made a mess of his life, he is not suitable and has too many commitments. Get out of this relationship while you can and have a happy life with your own age group and don’t waste time on this man even though he may be a nice person. He is very irresponsible and will only break your heart.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 August 2021):
 I have to agree with WiseOwlE.
I think the issue is LESS about the age gap and more about the amount of time, and commitment he can give YOU.
Which is fair enough, to be WAY down on the list of priorities is not ideal in a relationship, EVER.
While his kids DEFINITELY should have "top billing" it doesn't really seem like he ACTUALLY has time for you. He might WANT to intimacy and comfort, but he can't really give much back.
To me, it doesn't sound like an ideal situation or partner for you.
If you are looking for a HUSBAND (not a "forever BF") he isn't the one.
Financially, he is also responsible for 3 kids. That is a fair chunk of change. This can mean he is limited financially. As in, he might want YOU to help him financially. Like, he is looking to find someone stable to move in at some point so HE has to spend less money (on costs like rent/mortgage/utilities etc). And or he is looking to date someone who will help raise his kids.
Neither issue (financial and parenting) is wrong. I get that a single father (or mother) would like some extra help there. It all comes down to what YOU want out of life.
Or is he looking for another woman to have children with?
I think you need to decide FIRST what you are looking for and expecting out of a relationship.
He can be a really nice guy, but that doesn't mean he is the RIGHT one for you. There are other guys out there.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2021): I don’t think an age gap is a problem per se, but longer term the age will seem bigger, especially if you are a healthy 60 something and want to go on holidays and make the most of your retirement and he is then 80 and wants to sleep half the day.
Also, if you want kids, is he going to want more? Is he going to stick around?
Honestly, based on what you’ve said with this guy already having kids with two separate women and it not working out, I’d be inclined to leave it and find someone else. Sounds like too much baggage.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (15 August 2021):
 It's all well and good saying you "really like him" but what are you looking to gain from this relationship? I think you need to give this some serious consideration before it goes much further.
Are you looking for a future husband? If so, a man who has reached his late 40s/early 50s without getting married, despite having had children with other women, is unlikely to suddenly decide he wants to marry. It's not unheard of, but unlikely.
Are you looking to have children? Do you think this guy will want to produce more children, given that he already has three, two of whom he cares for "a lot"? It would also mean starting over at his age with babies, something he may not be prepared to do, especially as his previous relationships with the mothers of his children did not work out. You do not mention any children of your own, so I am assuming you have not yet had any. However, this is something he has already done - three times over - and may not want to do again.
Does this man even have time for you in his life? Despite the relationship being new - the time when things are usually at their best - you are already being limited in the time you spend together due to "work commitments" and his child care responsibilities. This is probably as good as it is going to get. Is this what you are prepared to settle for?
Are you prepared to keep giving your relationship lower priority than other commitments in his life? While his children absolutely SHOULD be his first priority, are you willing to NOT be his priority?
If the relationship were to progress, how would it all pan out with his children? Would you be happy sharing a house with them on a regular basis with all that entailed?
I think the age gap is the least of your worries. Before you invest any more time and effort in this relationship, ask yourself some soul-searching questions and be honest and realistic when you answer. If you decide to hang in there, go in with your eyes open. If you decide that this guy cannot provide you with what you want, the sooner you draw a line under the relationship and move on, the better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2021): I'm not really certain that the age difference is the problem. Does he really have time for you?
I think a man who has never been married, well into his 40's, with kids, and two baby's mamas is a recipe for drama.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2021): At your age, that gap isn't too concerning but the three kids by two different women is.
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female
reader, Tinacandida +, writes (14 August 2021):
 You can only form a true relationship by asking questions. Its never too early in a relationship to get it all out in the open. Are you the babysitter conveniently or the lover? Age shouldnt come in to it at all.
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