A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend's ex comes to all his important events - birthdays, thanksgiving, Christmas, when his band plays.She is a good family friend but he cheated on her and that's what ended their relationship.I don't understand why someone who has been humiliated like that would come to all these events?And I am tired of spending thanksgiving, for example, with her and her family. I think its really inappropriate.Am I wrong to think this?
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female
reader, Viv Acious +, writes (12 November 2010):
You two or not going to be able to see eye to eye on this one, are you? Unless you find a way through to understanding EACH other on this, it is probably going to be a deal-breaker.
He has his views on this and you have yours. He clearly has no problem with being friends with his exes and they clearly have no problem being friends with him. Some people would see this as quite mature and civilised behaviour. To others, exes are lepers that need to be cast away - never to be mentioned, seen or referred to under penalty of shouting, sulking, pouting, tears and the good old-fashioned silent treatment (also known as controlled hostility). When that is done, the next level of threat is the brilliant emotional blackmail tactic - but if you loved me, you'd do as I wanted. Don't you love me?
Just because it seems like a reasonable demand to YOU, does not mean it seems like a reasonable demand to him. From his point of you, why should he give up his family friends, who he no doubt really cares about for your demands?
If you are so annoyed and hurt by his behaviour, what does the future hold for the two of you? How long do you see this lasting?
I hope this helps and the best of luck to you.x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): Thank-you everybody for responding! Sorry I posted a similar message twice!
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A
female
reader, sugarcandy  +, writes (12 November 2010):
I don't think you're wrong to feel that way, but if she's a family friend.. then ex or not, she's a friend of the family.
She probably has healed a LONG time ago about the cheating thing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): I guess I really don't care whether their friendship is innocent or not. I've always been the type of person who cuts ties with my exes so I have trouble understanding why someone would keep ties with an ex, especially if its jeopardizing your current relationship. Regardless of whether they are family friends with that person, my relationship would always take priority. I wouldn't be afraid to tell my family that having my ex around makes my current boyfriend uncomfortable.And I guess I should say more about our history. We've been dating for about three years now and this has been going on for a while. He's done things like invite another one of his exes over to his apartment to sleep over, while I am there, hoping we'd become good friends so the three of us can all hang out. And last summer we got into a big fight about the family friend ex, bc he threw a party and invited her and some of his other friends and not me because he knew I wouldn't be happy if I was there. I feel so disrespected...I would never do this to someone I supposedly love.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (11 November 2010):
 Family friends will stick around regardless..Also depends how close their families are, if they're best friends she's not going anywhere. Why shut out the whole family when he was the one who cheated? I see nothing wrong with it, the only reason it's bugging you is because it's his ex. It's possible that they put those differences aside. If your'e sick of spending time with her and her family, then don't no one is forcing you. Just do your separate families and meet up later for your own holiday celebration.
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A
female
reader, fisch777 +, writes (11 November 2010):
I dont think your wrong to feel this way, but you also said she is a close family friend. THat may be why she comes to all the events. If she was close to the family before hand then she may not want to cut his family out of his life just because their relationship ended. I think it would be odd and def. uncomfortable however I think it all depends on how they interact. Actions speak louder than words.
good luck
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A
female
reader, Viv Acious +, writes (11 November 2010):
Hello.
I don't think you are wrong to think your thoughts but I would ask you to consider the following:
As well as asking, why doesn't she mind coming to all these events, why not ALSO ask why doesn't your boyfriend mind her coming? Is this the issue that really bothers you? The fear being that maybe he still has feelings for her?
Whether she is in love with him or not doesn't matter at all if he looks at her with casual indifference, does it?
How can she be around someone that humiliated her? You could also ask why is it her family are perfectly happy to be around him and his new g/f? Maybe they are a close group of friends and they just don't care and have put it behind them? It could also be that you have a sense of being the outsider when they are altogether?
You could also ask, why are you happy to go out with a known cheater?
I would suggest talking to him. Let him know that it makes you feel very uncomfortable. It doesn't matter if he says he has no feelings for her and he doesn't mind her being a about, etc - it is about understanding your point of view too.
Hope this helps. x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): Maybe she has forgiven him for what happened and seeing as she's a family friend she's obviously going to still be around. I could be wrong but, i think that maybe because you know he's capable of cheating you may have that nagging little feeling that you might not be able to trust him 100% and everytime you see this ex it's reminding you of what he's capable of. Just a thought.
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A
female
reader, Princess Aunty  +, writes (11 November 2010):
hmmm hello sweetie.
well firstly being a close family friend of your boyfriend might be the reason why she is attending his parties. However, in some way or another you are right that after being humiliated like that, how can one still appear in front of that person who humiliated her? well sweetheart..the answer is LOVE.. yes when you love someone truly, you would not mind whatever he does with you. your boyfriend's ex might have an obsessed crush on him as she still love him knowing that he is dating you. If you are sure that she still have a crush on your boyfriend, then you better watch out.
nevertheless, it may also be that she has forgotten about the past and take him just as a friend. knowing that she is an ex of your boyfriend, it is your thoughts that make you feel insecure. in this case you should forget, i know its difficult, but at least try to forget that she was once your boyfriend's ex and take her normal just like your boyfriend's other friends..
i have mentioned the possibilities of her behaviour above. its upto you to find out what is her intention!!! if you would have given more details about her behaviours then we may have ESTIMATED what she wants. and the solution for the two possible cases, i have mentionned it. try it out once you find whats her real intention
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