A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:i am in my mid 40s married for 20years together for 25 years with 2 children over 18now. i have wonderful life with my wife and family but have fallen out of love with her about a year ago and emotionally diconnected from her. only resently i shared this with her. i have fallen in love with someone else i have known for many years and have been completly connected with her physically and emotionally. i have resently moved out to get some space to sort this out my wife is devistated but wants give me space and is trying to understand this. i have not told her about the other person but she has her suspisions. i dont want to hurt anyone but i know thats not possible. i feel bad when i see her and shes hurting but i dont really miss her when were apart. when she asked if i want a divorce it sounds so final i know i need some space to figure this out. so confusing i dont want to lose everything we have worked for over the years but i dont know if i want that life anymore. so happy when im with this other person that ive been interested in for years and really feel that she is my soul mate and will be for the rest of my life we have had so much in common for so many years. i have never before cheated or thought about it but we crossed that line a year and half ago and its been incredible. my wife thinks its a mid life crisis but i dont truly believe that. im at apoint where i needto make a decision so everyone can begin to move on.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): Ford, Chevy, Buick, Pontiac...Look, if you think back to when you met your wife and first got together with her, you can probably remember the feeling. It's probably similar to the feelings you have now. You've got to be smart enough to realize it's a cyclic thing, and the romance/lust of a new, exciting relationship is really just a distraction to the fact it's probably the same thing with a different color.Have you really given it a shot with your wife? Have you tried traveling? Going out to different places you've never gone before (museums, theatres, etc?) Have you tried to jumpstart your life holistically, or is this fling on the side how you're getting that jumpstart?Think about it this way: you've dedicated your life thus far to raising your kids and making a stable environment for them. Now that that's done, you're ready to move on to time for YOU. And this is, in a way, the ultimate form of selfishness.All I'm saying is you probably could achieve the same effect with your wife if you could identify what it is you're actually unhappy with. This "fling" may only be masking the real issue, and relapse is on the horizon.Just sayin.
A
female
reader, fisch777  +, writes (11 November 2010):
It's exactly what you said, you need to make a choice. If you want to make it work with your wife you can. Go to counseling,end it with the other lady, take a vacation with your wife, spend some one on one time together, be intimate, and try to get that spark back. It'll take time and work but it can happen if YOU want it to and if you don't want to then you need to file for divorce so that she can heal and move on with someone who will want her. Either way you need to make a choice because what your doing to your wife isn't right. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): "Love is not a feeling, love is a decision you make and continue to make in order to create an experience that is described as love.(You can read the rest of the article here)http://www.articlesbase.com/relationships-articles/love-is-a-decision-not-a-feeling-777572.htmlThe main thing here is to make a decision and stick with it. I agree with the other posts, that if things are so pleasant in your family relationship that you should try to give it a chance, but.. you can't try to rebuild your marriage and have a lover on the side. And, truthfully, you can't have a relationship with your lover while you are still a father and husband to another women. It's not fair to either woman and you really can't be there for either of them.You should have told your wife things were not all ok, way back when you first became emotionally interested in this other woman. But, past is past and you can't change the choices you made only the ones you continue to make. If you don't want to let your wife go, then commit to her and stop being selfish. If you don't want your wife, then let her go asap, cause otherwise you're just wasting her time and dragging out the pain.A year and a half of cheating.. wow. That's a really long time to lie to someone, and betray their trust hour by hour, minute by minute. I hope you can make up your mind and get it over with cause it's not possible at this point NOT to hurt every single person involved. Wife, lover, kids, and yourself. No matter what choice you pick, you hurt everyone when you let your emotions stray.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): Hi
I always think truth is the best policy....and that truth is to YOURSELF first...because only then are you been truthful. If you know in your heart and mind that this chapter of your life is over then it is only right to be honest. This gives your partner the opportunity to find her soul mate aswell and happiness.
Do you throw away all that you both made together...closing a chapter in ones life is not about throwing away...it's about adding richness to your life experience....a fork in the road....choice!
We ask questions..is it selfish to walk away...is it fair...is it for the right reasons...is it even real...
Only you stand at the fork...but that choice is yours....
I stood in the same place once and it broke my heart but i knew i had to choose a path and it led me to today, with no regrets...a new chapter.
Be truthful to your wife, let her help you make the right choice.
Spunky monkey
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): all it takes is just one time: doesnt matter that you did not cheat previously.are you living with your lover?your kids? will they accept this OW, or will they view her as the bitch who tore their family apart?CGrant asked whether you are a honorable man. Well, are you? thus far your actions have not yet been honourable at all. your actions are killing your wife!!!!!!!!!!!! you may be hally with your lover and you may be having incredible sex with your lover but the reality is that you are destroying many lives in your attempt to find incredible sexual gratification.all i can say is that not only have you lied, cheated, destroyed, you have not had any moral fiber to admit your wrong doing. you have left your wife for your lover and you continue to lie to her and your lies or ommission is deatroying a womans life. if you are remorseful then your actions do not match your words.if you were tired of your life with your wife why not have told her, instead you sought sex elsewhere and selfishly continued to lie. just think about it. your actions have all been about you and not what is right.yes the sex is great with your lover bec, firstly it was/is forbidden. and it is new. oh and the OW did not slave around taking care of household, kids and hb. think about it.i do not know what the future holds for you or your wife or even your lover. for how long can you lead 2 women on? how does your lover feel? any guilt? any misgivings or is it, wife be damned, i now have your hb? what does your lover expect from you. to leave your wife and kids for her? has she has affair(s) with other married men before? can you trust her. you say you had wanted your lover for many years previously. so what, for years you have been "cheating' on your wife? emotional affair first then sexual? whatever you decide you just threw away 25 years. i hope your lover is worth it.............
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): You say you no longer love this woman and have fallen for someone else. It's easy to throw 25yrs away when another woman is there waiting on you. Feelings can be confusing, and yes the grass isn't always greener. Being with someone new might be exciting now, but will it still be the same once the honeymoon period is over?
If I were you I would spend some time on my own without the distraction of another woman. This might help you work out if you could save your marriage. Talk to your wife, discuss whats led to getting to this point.
Your feelings will work out through time and if the new woman wants you so badly she will respect you need time to work out your emotions.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (11 November 2010):
 I guess a question you might ask yourself is whether you see yourself as an honourable person. That might offer you some guidance.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): Wow, i know exactly how your wife feels. My partner left me, told me he fell out of love and left the family and broke us up. You may be happy but everyone else will be hurt and if your wife still loves you then you are going to destroy her. The grass aint always greener. Is there no way that you could find that love with your wife again. Go right back to the day you met her. To the day you marryd her. To the time you knew she was the one you wanted to be with, the one you built a life with only to throw it all away. You owe her more than that if she has been good to you. If you went to her and told her and shared this with her and asked her what you both could do to bring the love back then im sure she would do what she could to save your marriage. You said you have a good life. Dont just desert her after all that she has given you. Try again. You owe her that. At least if it doesn't change anything then you know you tryd. I think you just want something else and who doesn't from time to time but you promised your wife forever. You said your vowels. You don't just take that back when ya feel like it. She could be the woman you once adored if you just tryd rather than straying. Do the right thing. Make it work or at least try to.
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