A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok so ive been seeing this guy for a while now almost a year. He told me before that he always thought he had a small penis (he had been drinking, in fact i dont know if he remembers telling me that) but hes not small hes like 6.5 in. Ive been told never tell a guy he has a small penis. We got into a fight and i did. I told him he was "itty bitty" just cause i needed to hurt his feelings like he did mine, and i knew that would. But i dont really think he is, the sex has been great, he even hurts me when we do it sometimes. But.. He wont let me see him naked, and he keeps talking about penis enhancement. I dont want it any bigger, i love his penis and also i love my cooch and dont want to be gutted. How can i convience him hes not tiny and that hes perfect for me? I screwed up didnt i? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Bradc1984 +, writes (29 November 2013):
This may be harsh but your asking for your opinions so here we go. You are a colossal bitch for saying that to the guy. I am 9 inches and if a girl ever said that to me I would feel like I was 3 inches. There is nothing you can do and I mean NOTHING. Some men can forgive you for something like this but they will never forget. I don't blame him for not wanting to be naked around you and not wanting to have sex. If you said this to me I would never let you near it EVER AGAIN. You could apologize everyday and never stop saying how perfect it is and how much you love it, create a holy shrine dedicated to my penis and I still would never ever let you touch it or see it ever again....PERIOD
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (30 October 2010):
 The other posters have done a thorough job of tellign you the magnitude of your error, and you sound as though you've taken the lesson to heart.
There's an unadressed point at work here. Besides the hurt directly related to his penis, there is the hurt that you would even think to say such a thing, and the hurt that you saw him feeling so vulnerable. The first has been covered; I'll talk about the latter two.
The two points, that you would hurt him like that and that you saw him vulnerable, would apply to all kinds of other insults as well. You can transfer these lessons to ones other than this specific instance.
Basically, no guy wants to date a woman who would hurt him so deeply or callously, and no guy wants his woman to see him so vulnerable. Even if you address his insecurities about his penis completely (and telling him it's average or above average is not enough; he needs to believe it's the best you could imagine), those two problems remain.
For the first, he needs to see how much you regret hurting him like that - so much that you would never consider doing it again. He will be upset until he can once again trust that you won't be attacking him, even in smaller ways. It's hard to really trust a girlfriend with your feelings in the first place, and this just makes it worse. So avoid making even minor insults to any part of his character for now (rational criticism is still ok, which includes getting him to avoid those pills).
For the second point, he needs to know that you still see him as a strong, powerful protector/provider/alpha male. Not just good in bed, not just romantic and sweet, but powerful and indestructible. Ask him to arbitrarily move furniture for you somewhere (he'll need to be in a good mood). Go somewhere with him late at night, and comment on how safe you feel with him, even in the dark (try to be subtler about it than that - you get the idea).
Either way, consider it a lesson learned, and good luck.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): One comment is all it takes to permanently mess up most normal guys, let alone a guy with any extra sensitivity about it to start with.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 October 2010):
 Our OP has answered: "Im the original poster. The arguement startd over porn. He said "sorry my ex was a freak and i was hopin u were into it to" and i was really hurt. Aftr we talkd about it we agreed we both made up what we said along with a bunch of othr stuf said. But i think that he was already bothered by it before. I just want him to believe me that if he gets inlarged it will ruin everything! (Im going to go with the ass kiss thing btw )"
So the problem started with porn? He watches a lot of porn? He may be giving himself an inferiority complex if he watches large penises and then compares himself. I think you just fed into his insecurities but he has to realize he is getting warped ideas about what the normal, REAL, human female wants in penis size. Whoppers hurt. There's a reason female porn stars get paid more money than the male porn stars, and it IS about acting. They have to act like they actually LIKE huge penises.
I'm getting off track. The porn use made you feel unhappy and insecure, so you wanted to make HIM feel unhappy and insecure, does that sum it up?
Look, you were mean to say what you said, but he needs to understand your feelings as well. You both need to do your very very best to try to see things from each other's side. It helps.
Here's a link that may help your discussion:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
Good luck.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010): "I don't know why some guys get these obsessions that they are small when they are normal"
I think guys get these ideas because women compare them, like some posters recently.
"my problem is that hes got a small penis.its like 3 inches but i didnt mind until we had sex"
And, of course, women who talk about their "biggest penis" they've ever had.
Women who talk about cheating and how fascinated they were with the guy who had the big penis (of course they will say he was a lousy lover and the sex wasn't so great) but why are they still talking about it if "it doesn't matter".
Truth be told, breast size, penis size, hip size, waist size, height, hair color, and a whole bunch of other things bother people, especially when they are compared to others...and dumped because of it, or cheated on because of it, or worse (raising someone else's child because of it and the guy was just a fling to try out another person or the gal was just a fling because the guy was bored at home).
It all matters, particularly when you are being treated poorly by someone that you love or want to love, or are lonely, or feel rejected, or otherwise have some insecurity.
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female
reader, natasia  +, writes (27 October 2010):
 Oh, for goodness' sake, everyone is giving you such a hard time here! I don't know ... you said it, it was a mean thing to say, and it isn't how you really feel about his dick, but of course you have made his complex worse, and it's hard now to get him to understand that you love it and that he isn't small, he is 100% normal.
Well, I think you are just going to have to do some serious, honest penis-worshiping. If he doesn't want to get undressed in front of you, wait until he is under the covers and take things very very slowly. It will probably take you days, if not weeks, to get him to let you even pull the covers back from it. You have totally deflated his already fragile confidence, and now you need to build it back up for him.
I don't know if it will work, but it's worth a try. You have to literally get down there, cuddle up to it and bond like hell with it. He will feel that (but remember we are talking about him feeling this in his soul as much as anything - it is faith that he has lost, and trust). He needs to hear from you how much you love it.
And find a whole load of penis-enlargement-gone-wrong stories on the net to put him off.
Poor guy. I don't know why some guys get these obsessions that they are small when they are normal - probably because of porn stars being usually out of the norm, but as 99% of porn stars are big, and porn is mostly the only way anyone is going to see a large number of penises (unless working in the sex industry, or a general slapper, I guess ; ) then basically it gives the wrong impression that that kind of size is normal, when it isn't.
What you said didn't help, as you well know, but just show him how much you love it. Good luck ...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010): Probably to late for anything, you better hope his ego is stronger than it sounds.
His penis is larger than average, but regardless of that, he probably thinks "she means my penis isn't large enough for her because she's had bigger and that's what she wants and I'm just not enough" even if he doesn't tell you.
Like being told by him that your vagina is to loose and doesn't feel good during sex.
My advice, is kiss ass, worship the ground he walks on (assuming he is worth it), an tell him how awful it was that you did that and why you did it "to hurt him", and that you went on line to get advice from folks like us because you know how dreadful it is to do that to someone.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010): Im the original poster. The arguement startd over porn. He said "sorry my ex was a freak and i was hopin u were into it to" and i was really hurt. Aftr we talkd about it we agreed we both made up what we said along with a bunch of othr stuf said. But i think that he was already bothered by it before. I just want him to believe me that if he gets inlarged it will ruin everything! (Im going to go with the ass kiss thing btw )
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (27 October 2010):
 Just to confirm..I called a guy small one day, bad move on the chess board. He had a complex about it the rest of our short lived relationship.
On a side note, your boyfriend is actually average..like Griffo stated if he actually googled it consulted his doctor he would know he's a little above average. Those penis enhancing supplements are baloney, if they worked all men would be walking around with bulging pants. The penis pump, I haven't heard of it working but it can cause tearing, scarring, and loss of sexual function. Now, the only way to elongate or widen your member would be through surgery. Which I'm sure would cost a arm and a leg.
So like everyone else has stated all you can do is apologize and hope it will blow over.
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male
reader, soon567 +, writes (27 October 2010):
Theirs no fixing this remark. Its said it done just let it go. Try encouragement later. I am sure you already apologized and repeated apologies would only remind him of what he think is a short coming. You two will get through it. I must say you won that argument hands down.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 October 2010):
The other aunts have pretty well covered what I was thinking on this one, but I just want a bit of clarification on two points.
One, have you had sex since this fight, is that why he's talking penis enhancement and won't let you see him naked anymore?
And two, what did he say to you that was such a low blow that you shot back with the lowest of blows you could have dealt a man. Seriously, you injured him in his most vulnerable place. That's really, really mean. Why were you so mean? Are you always mean, or do you get blind rages, or were you provoked in some extraordinary way? What happened? What part of your psyche did HE injure?
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female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (27 October 2010):
 Also...meaness or cruelty is never justified. Even in the heat of a fight. This is a lesson most of us learn the hard way. :(
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female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (27 October 2010):
Yes, you screwed up. There is nothing NOTHING that you could have said that would have been worse. There are things about everyone that they are insecure about and if you truly love them you would never attack them in these areas.
I dont think you can fix it. You should follow the advice of the others and try... And hope time will heal this to an extent. Dont expect a miracle though, and dont believe he will ever forget.
Think how you would feel if he told you that you female parts were unattractive and unappealing. Would you ever forget? I am afraid not.
Learn from this... We all make mistakes, but hopefully you NEVER make this one again!
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (27 October 2010):
 YES, YOU SCREWED UP AND THIS HAS NO FIXING. APOLOGIZING WOULD BE THE VERY LEAST TO DO, AND YET IT MIGHT NOT GET YOU ANYWHERE.
(I used capital letters to emphasize my point)
Suppose he had said he liked that blonde with those big 3800 DD's (unlike your 1 A girls) on that porn website better than you. How could he fix it?
Grin and live with it.
Another suggestion is, don't resort to this kind of low blows when you're in an argument. Even a fantastically endowed man would hate you for not being able to keep discussions in the realm of basic respect. This might be way more negative than your comment about his penis. At least it would be with me.
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (27 October 2010):
 be honest apologize and kiss ass!
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (27 October 2010):
Ok - say during the heat of the moment he told you that he was still deeply in love with he ex-girlfriend, and deep inside he knew he would always love her and will never ever be able to love another woman like that.
What would you suggest that he could say to you that would make it better, because thats about the equivalent situation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010): I always think people only ever say what they have on their mind in such circumstances..sorry guys!
If a man doesn't think his GF is overweight, fat, chunky or whatever it is..even in a argument he won't all of a sudden come out with 'and your fat'it's not on the radar, in his mind.
I'm afraid you USED his insecurities for your own end, to hurt him just because you had been hurt - now that is juvenile, and no one does that unless they are willing to accept the circumstances of their actions. That would be like saying to a person who was disabled, or had a very obvious birthmark, scar or whatever it was, and picking on it in an effort to raise yourself up at the other persons expense.
I think you will have a lot of work on your hands to change his thoughts now..poor guy!
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male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (27 October 2010):
 Do a search on penis size and you will see that he is average so he has nothing to worry about. He needs to get over it.
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male
reader, TimmD +, writes (27 October 2010):
 Ouch. That's a tough one. Let me try to put this into perspective from a woman's point of view. (This is a generalization and doesn't apply to EVERY single woman out there) but here goes....
Do you know how woman can be self conscious about their weight? A woman can be thin, fit, and even generally NOT fat. Yet, they think they are. On average, most women don't like seeing themselves naked. A guy can tell her she looks beautiful every single day they are together, and mean it, but she won't believe it. Yet if he were to say one time, be it joke or in an argument, that she's overweight, fat, chunky, whatever... THAT will be the one thing she hears. She's think to herself that he's finally telling the truth.
This is pretty much the same thing that happened between you and your boyfriend. He's already self conscious about his penis and the only thing he is going to hear is what he believes.
Unfortunately, getting through to him now is going to be just like trying to get through to a woman about her weight. It's not going to be easy. Just try being honest with him and tell him you know how self conscious about himself he is and during the argument that was the best way to hurt him. It doesn't mean what you said is true. Eventually he'll have to decide whether or not to believe you.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 October 2010):
 Wow, that is a low blow!
If I were you I would be up front and tell him, sorry I was a bitch, I said it only to hurt you, not because it's true. Whether he will actually BELIEVE you is a whole other matter...
No one ever really WINS an argument and when stuff is just thrown out there it is SO hard to take it back.. Even if he said something first.. two wrongs just never make a right. In the future don't stoop to that level.
Honey, you have a LOT of sucking up to do.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (27 October 2010):
Yep, you screwed up all right. Possibly irreversibly. As the others say, you can only apologize. When you love someone and you're mad at them, you can never pick on something you know makes them insecure, because the result is you wind up with this. Tell him you lied because you were angry, then show him the sites that show that he is above average. If that doesn't work, then maybe it's time to move on and never make the same mistakes again. This could have cost you your relationship, so I hope you don't go out to spite ANYONE again. This is the price.
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (27 October 2010):
 No matter what, he'll NEVER forget this. He might forgive, but he'll always remember what you said. FOREVER. Men are super sensitive about their size, no matter how macho they may act. No guy wants to be told he's tiny. Yeah, you really screwed up. All you can do is apologize, apologize, apologize..show him actual statistics..but still..he's not going to forget. Remember for future reference, words cut deeply, and once its said, you can't take it back. Good luck.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 October 2010):
 You man up and apologize for the lies. Tell him you screwed up, and you are well-aware of your mistake, and that you are truly sorry about what you said, as well as your behaviour.
You know what you did wasn't right, work on pushing back your impulse to say harsh and mean things. It wont help if you say you are sorry now, and he believes you, if you in the next fight say it again. If you love him you don't really want to hurt him, no matter what. Stick to that, even in a fight.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (27 October 2010):
 Yup, you screwed up big time. Picking on someone's insecurity is very low indeed. You can't fix it. That will stay with him forever. No matter how much you try to convince him you were lying to try to hurt him, in the back of his mind he will forever think he is too small.
Think about it. Insecurities are often completely irrational. Even when you know they are irrational it doesn't change your feelings about them.
All you can do is apologize and hope he believes you like it the size it is. If you want, you can search the web for some stats. I believe the average penis size is somewhere around 5.5 inches so that may make him feel better.
Learn a lesson from this. When in a fight or arguement you should never say something just to hurt your partner. Not only is this spiteful and wrong, but it doesn't solve anything, it just makes more problems. Stay focused on the problem you had that caused the argument. That way you can hopefully come to an agreement.
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