A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay so I posted a question earlier...It was a long story so I will make it short.I have been with a guy for six months, we are sooo into each other although there have been some issues. Valentines day didn't turn it good at all, it was terrible, I felt disrespected. We got in a big argument and he said some things that were really mean. I surprised myself and reacted by slapping him. He was trying to leave my place and I told him not to leave every time something comes up, to face the issues if he loves me. He was just so pissed and i tried to pull him in. It ended up that I slapped him. I immediately couldn't believe what I did and apologized like crazy, I couldn't stop crying. I disrespected the crap out of him by doing that, even if he hurt me with words Physical violence isn't ok. I felt disgusted with myself, I have never been that type of person. He was shocked, as he knows me as a very gentle girl. I just felt like what I did was soooo terrible, I called him the next day to apologize again and said as much as I hate the idea, if he doesn't want to see me again I wont blame him. He said he was tired and would contact me today.It was weird to my surprise, he's not pissed off at me. I was just shocked I said why aren't you more mad at me? What I did was terrible. He responded "yea it wasn't good, but I could see why you would react that way". He told me he understood my frustration, and that he knows it's not who I really am, but a lot of things taking a toll on me.Does this just mean hes a very understanding boyfriend? Of course he isn't happy about it, but he doesn't hate me. He doesn't think I'm crazy, he said I made a poor choice of how to handle my feelings. What do you guys think about this?
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (17 February 2011):
 In light of what I have written in the past and even this morning, I feel bad saying that guys just see this differently. What I really mean is that this guy is seeing this differently. He knows that bad things have happened, but he doesn't see that as a reason to throw away all you have. He is willing to solve the problem.
Abuse is bad, even evil. Those who are caught up in it need to get help and healing. Emotional abuse is as bad as physical abuse. Carefully reading the original post will show that he was abusing her with words before she tried to physically restrain him and then struck him.
People can change. An abusive person can learn better ways to secure a relationship. An abused person can learn better ways to cope with insecurity. It is sad that this relationship had to progress to physical blows before they both realized that there was a problem.
Just because people can change doesn't make it easy, or mean that they won't slip up again. So there will be a loss of trust. At least there should be.
This is not a tough it out and handle it yourself kind of problem. I would recommend both of you getting some counseling. If not to save this relationship, at least to protect the next.
FA
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): cindy.....I am the original poster
You misunderstood....I am not saying it's okay because Im tiny. I am saying even though I am tiny, it doesn't mean it is okay. I was saying like you said, it was the fact that I even got physical on him...which is wrong even if I am a small woman. And I didn't punch him, I slapped him. Once again not saying slapping is okay, but that detail does matter.
Physical violence sucks, but so does emotional abuse. Words can cut just as much as a hit, and I don't know why people act like it's ok. If I were to trash talk and degrade him verbally would it have been better? I just should have cooled down and let him cool down.
I think the reason he isn't as mad at me, is because he used his words to hurt me. He feels he is also guilty. He didn't make me hit him but he feels he had a part in the nasty outcome of the night. It was nasty before the slap was ever thrown.
It's not like hes okay with what I did...he has a problem with it. I didn't want someone to tell me how crazy i am, I obviously know I made a huge mistake and need to evaluate why I reacted that way. I was wanting people to mainly tell me if they think it is normal/healthy that he is so understanding about what happened? That he isn't calling me bitch, but in fact he said he was going to pray for me that night...because of how emotional I was.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 February 2011):
 In obvious dissent with Odds, no, it's not a "consistent
pattern of violence " that's wrong and unacceptable, it's simpy hitting people, even once. Luckily the Law thinks the same, and knocking someone down with a punch it's a crime either it's the first time, or the third.
It's not a matter of Pure Evil, it's about establishing and respecting healthy boundaries, which is the base of civil cohexistence. You don't just pee on somebody 's living room carpet ,even if the impulse is strong and urgent- you remove yourself to a better suited location.
The fact that violence is a primal, instinctive reaction to certain triggers does not mean that it cannot, or it should not, be controlled at any cost.. I had a partner that a couple of times infuriated me so much that frankly I felt the urge to stab him with a knife, not just to slap him. But I did not ,that's why I am happily Aunting on DC ,rather than behind bars.
Please don't say " but it was just a slap from a tiny girl, did not hurt him ". It's the symbolic value of the gesture that counts, once you raise your hand on somebody you show him /her that you don't respect him and that he can't trust you, and what's a relationship without trust and respect.
I am not gonna apply a double standard here, same as I always encourage all women to leave their violent partners at the first episode of physical abuse, I would encourage your boyfriend to turn his back to you and never come back. I don't care how much upset you were or how much of a asshole he was, or how tiny and innocuous you are. People ( males and females )need to learn not to express their frustrations by physical aggression,period.
Why your bf is not upset about the accident ?. Who knows,
maybe he has low self esteem and a shaky sense of self.Maybe he grew up in a family or environment where settling disputes this way was the norm. Maybe he is even glad about what happened, so next time you'll have a tiff, he'll have a good excuse to slap you silly and you won't be able to say anything , because you started first !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): Thanks everyone for the responses. I just don't want to feel like I am taking advantage of him...I want to know he really forgives me and he isn't hiding how much it hurt him emotionally. He is acting like it wasn't a huge deal and that he can see why I would do that.
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A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove  +, writes (17 February 2011):
 No matter how beautiful a woman is there is always some man tired of her. I know men who have walked away from "drop dead gorgeous" women, never to be seen or heard from again, for reasons far less than what you describe here. You are also extremely fortunate not to have been arrested, spent time in jail and have a permanent criminal record with all the ramifications and repercussions that entails. Please, talk to someone about conflict resolution. You will empower yourself and feel a lot better knowing you are in total control of yourself. I wish you well.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (17 February 2011):
 A lot of people think physical violence is Pure Evil, but in reality anyone, man or woman, can react badly in the heat of the moment. It's a consistent pattern of violence, or the deliberate practice of it, that is actually wrong. Neither of those is what happened here.
So what you did is forgivable. However, there are a couple of complicating factors to consider.
First and foremost is the legal reality that while most people would not really care if you slapped him, he would be facing serious charges if he slapped you (even in response, or even in self-defense). I'm sure he thought of this, and realizing it probably hurt more than the actual outburst.
Second is that, as a man, it is expected of him to shrug it off. Not saying it's right or wrong, just saying it's reality. Whether or not he actually forgives you, he is obligated to act like it's not that big a deal.
In light of those things, he is going to have a hard time believing your apology. I believe you when you say it was a genuine reaction, but the fact that you broke down crying after hitting him would look manipulative and cruel in the heat of the moment - as if you were trying to draw the attention away from him and pull a "poor me!" kind of act.
The best way to handle this is to just let whatever you were fighting over go. Whatever went wrong leading up to the slap, just let it go, as if it had not happened. Next time you see him, give him a big hug and go aobut your day - the fight wasn't the end of the world. You've said you're sorry, and meant it, and he'll get around to forgiving you on his own time.
For future reference, I would point out that many men really do handle problems better by just stepping away from the situation, thinking it over, and coming to a decision. We think by thinking, rather than by talking about it. He's not leaving, he's facing the issues - the way that works for him. If you let him do that, he will be more open to talking about it on your terms afterwards. In fact, this is exactly what he did after you slapped him. he walked away, thought about it, decided how to handle it, and then talked it over with you.
If the guilt will make you a better person in the future, by all means, accept that slapping him was wrong, but it doesn't make you evil or crazy.
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree  +, writes (17 February 2011):
 I think you got a VERY lucky break!!! Memo to self; don't slap him again, no matter how angry you are!
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (17 February 2011):
As long as this doesn't happen again, and he forgive you. That's it.
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A
female
reader, Auntie E +, writes (17 February 2011):
 Never EVER put your hands on another person - PERIOD!
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