A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,First, a little background: My ex and I went out for a few months a year and a half ago. I broke it off because he said he was falling in love with me and at the time I didn't feel the same way. Anyway, we ended up becoming friends and a couple months back we went out as friends and ended up making out. I thought we were going to get back together but he decided we should go back to being just friends (sends this to me via text message!). Of course, I'm heartbroken because I was actually in love with him this time. Anyway, I was friends with him on Facebook and a few days after our encounter he changes his relationship status to 'in a relationship' and puts up a pic of him and this girl. It didn't last long; literally a day. It was then that I decided that I needed to delete him because it was doing me more harm than good to have that much access to his life. I tell him that I'm deleting him beforehand but I say it's because I'm starting a new relationship and my new boyfriend knows about our history and is kind of jealous (not true but I just couldn't tell him it was because he broke my heart). I let him know that I'm still his friend and he can always count on me. A few weeks go by and I see that he still has me on his yahoo messenger contacts. Since I'm feeling better about myself and didn't mind the idea of being just friends again, I IM him...no response. I sporadically send a few more IMs and emails and no reply. Just recently, I sent him a link to a video I thought he might like and he IMs me back (for the first time) 'no thanks'. What is wrong with this guy? Other girls have done much worse things to him and he's still friends with them! I don't feel I did anything wrong! I told him BEFORE I deleted him on facebook. My friends were all telling me to just do it without any explanation. And now he's pissed because I deleted him? I don't understand why he's so angry? I know if I were in his position, and I only had platonic feelings for him, I wouldn't be mad about him deleting me. I wouldn't care! And if he wanted to be my friend again--I know I'd be ok with it. Can anyone please enlighten me as to why this guy is so mad? And what I can do to fix it (I hate the idea of someone being that angry with me)?Sincerely,Completely confused!
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (17 February 2011):
 He's not mad at you, He is tired. He is tired of your Come here / go away / come here / go away. He is tired of not knowing where he stands with you. He has another relationship and he doesn't want you to mess it up. That is what he meant when he said, "No Thanks". No thanks, I don't want anymore of your wishy washy attention. No thanks, I'd rather not be yanked around any more. No thanks, I have something better now.
I'm sorry to say but he is gone, and you can't make him be your friend.
FA
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): First off, its not very mature to lie about the reason you're deleting him. Lies have a way of catching up with us. It's very likely he found out and has decided that he's had enough of games and is moving on. If you want to resolve this, be an adult about it and be 100% honest with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): Sounds like you aren't being emotionally honest: "we ended up becoming friends and a couple months back we went out as friends and ended up making out. "
Really? That is what is called cognitive dissonance.
Forewarning about cutting a friend off doesn't really lessen the blow. Nor does telling him you'll always be a friend as you unfriend him. You don't see the paradox in your behavior at all?
And if you don't want access to his life, why IM him or email him in the first place? And I seriously doubt you "wouldn't care" if someone, even a platonic friend deleted you from facebook.
I don't think you are being emotionally honest with him at all and he probably thinks you are playing games with his feelings.
I have a feeling you'll read this and think I'm being harsh. You may justifiy your behavior because you think his facebook status was a "sign" meant just for you....that he was trying to make you jealous.
I'm willing to believe that he in fact believed he was in a relationship, even for a day.
Why should I believe this?
Because he knows what it is to be emotionally honest. He knows what it is to take the very big risk of telling someone, "I'm falling in love with you." It is entirely possible, he made out with you, freaked out about being vulnerable again and rushed into a short-term relationship with somebody else.
And if he in fact wasn't being honest on facebook and his photo and status was intended to make you jealous, then it obviously worked. Your deleting him and your lie is a transparent reaction to him and I think he's angry at your pettiness.
That is if he's angry at all...to me, he just appears indifferent. He just doesn't want to play cat and mouse with you. Have you noticed that you only have feelings for him only after you've rejected him? You contact him months after contact when you "don't mind being friends again." You haven't even taken the time to imagine how he must feel and yet you complain you how you "hate the idea of someone being angry with you"...Inconvenient as his indifference must be, don't you think your explicit rejection hurt alot more for him? Don't you think you're being just a tad self-centered?
He's tried being honest with you about his feelings, he (may have) tried being coy, but he has never lied to you. You have done that to him and I suspect that's what makes him want to have nothing to do with you.
I'm not trying to be mean...but his being "angry" at you is the least of your problems. Why not learn from him; the next time you have feelings for someone, do the adult thing and be honest and straightforward about it. Take emotional risks, don't hide behind lies.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): i'd leave it alone if he throws a tantrum about you deleting him on a social networking site he isn't worth it thats a fictional place not "real" life.. but if you want to FIX it then all i can say is keep sending him messages tell him that you weren't ready at that time to be in a relationship with him and let him know you want to start over everyone deserves a clean slate.. chnces are he was just pi**ed off at you for that and messing with his guy ego or he really liked you and you hurt hm so this is his revenge for that if he cares for you at all he'll try to make it work between the 2 of you if not well you tried
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (17 February 2011):
 "I tell him that I'm deleting him beforehand but I say it's because I'm starting a new relationship and my new boyfriend knows about our history and is kind of jealous (not true but I just couldn't tell him it was because he broke my heart)"
He could have found out that you lied...? Wouldn't really be that hard for him to find out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): How do you know he is mad at you because you deleted him? Maybe he just giving you the space he feels you need right now. From the way you are describing it both of you are continuously playing mind games with each other. Also, the fact that you may be ready to be just friends, doesn't mean he is ready to or even has the capability or desire of doing so. The fact that you are trying to push a friendship on him when he doesn't even want contact with you (obvious from the fact he doesn't respond to you) is rather selfish. It sounds like you are not actually over him and he is over you, and he might even know this. Spend time on yourself and moving on.
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