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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi! This is going to be long, so please be patient!I'm a widow. My husband died suddenly four years ago leaving me with three children, then aged six, three and one. I was devastated and it took me a long time to come to terms with his death. He was a wonderful man and we loved each other a lot.Thanfully both his family and mine supported me a lot. A few months ago I realised that his brother (who is 33, 2 years younger than me)had really become invaluable. He is a very sweet man, we have common interests and he loves the children as a father. It felt really great whenever we were together but I never dreamed of talking to him about it, he was my husband's brother and it seemed weird making a love confession. However, one night about three weeks ago he was at my place, the children were asleep and he kissed me. He told me he has been having feelings for me for a while now and that he couldnt hold them in any longer. We know each other well, I am beginning to fall in love with him and my children adore him. We made love a couple of nights ago and it was absolutely great. Do you think it's wrong we should be involved in a romantic way? My mother told me it might be confusing for the children and his mother was horrified and said it is almost incest.We feel it's right... Thanks for your patience!
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female
reader, tjazzy  +, writes (8 October 2013):
It's 100% ok. Feel free to go ahead.
A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (5 October 2013):
You are both mature adults. I don't see anything wrong with it. It is nobody else's business. I think your husband would not only want you and the kids to be happy but he would want his younger brother also to be happy.
Just take your time. You are both stepping into new territory. Find out more of each other. I don't see the kids not wanting your new love to be apart of your and their life. I think they are only going to see it as normal. They are young enough to move forward with you two as a couple.
Best Wishes to you!
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A
female
reader, like I see it  +, writes (5 October 2013):
 I see nothing wrong with it at all - in fact, I owe my existence on this earth to a very similar set of circumstances.My grandmother's first husband was killed in a plane crash in WWII. Before the war he had asked that his best friend, also a pilot, "take care of [his] wife" and their two young children if anything ever happened to him. His best friend, who had known him since childhood and was like a brother to him, took those words to heart, and after the tragedy was there to support the heartbroken widow and her two young sons. A few years later they ended up falling in love and getting married. They had a daughter together (my mother) and passed away within a year of each other when both were in their eighties.Far from judging either of my grandparents for how they came to be married, there's not a person in the family who can tell their story with a dry eye. Here was a couple who had both lost someone precious to them and in grieving for that person they formed a profound bond. Nothing inappropriate about that--and this was recognized even back in the 1940's, when morality was much more rigid and society much more easily shocked. At the age your children are, I don't think they will find the transition any more "confusing" than they would if you blended your family with a man they didn't already know. In fact, I can only see positives in that they know their uncle and presumably like him already, and that you know he's a person you can trust around them. With all due respect to both your mother and his, I think that you should cherish happiness where you can find it. Good luck and best wishes to both of you :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2013): I don't see the problem.
I could see the problem if there was a feeling among family members that you & the brother had sexual tension or "something" going on while your husband was still alive. But as long as that idea is not tainting the picture I think it's great.
If you have any more kids with the brother, big deal. The world is full of blended families & half siblings that work out fine, and yours would be a lot closer in relation than most. Sure the relative titles could be seen as confusing on paper. But that is a matter of you being widowed and remarrying, not incest. Just close the book on the previous uncle relationship your children once had with the brother and move on with him as their stepfather.
Will this take some getting used to? Yes. But so would you being single, dating a series of different men for varying lengths of time, and finally choosing a new stepfather for your children after several years (or more) who is a lot less familiar to your children and so is the rest of his extended family.
Whatever problems this situation presents, I don't think that stuff holds a candle to the potential benefits of your children getting a new father figure (who they have always known) immediately and getting to keep the rest of their father's extended family as they know it.
Spending years single and eventually remarrying into a totally different family may be more common in modern times. But that does not make it a better situation than this one. Its too bad that some other family members are giving you trouble because I think this could be a great way to deal with the death of your husband and move forward in a way that is least traumatic for your children.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2013): Things like this happen more often than you might think. It is usually an ex-spouse of the deceased falling for the best friend.
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A
female
reader, scrdofyou +, writes (4 October 2013):
 I think its great. Your husband is gone, you are not commiting any type of adultery, so why not?
Who better, than a man you already know and have become used to. A man who already loves your children, and has known them since they can remember. If it feels right to you, go for it. It isnt wrong, it isnt your fault. Im sure your husband would be happy that you guys are being taken care of.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (4 October 2013):
 I think it's lovely, who could be better for you than a man who knew your husband as well as you did, loved him as much as you, will happily talk about him, will not feel threatened by his memory and loves your children!
You didn't plan this, love grew out of a shared and common grief. I think your husband would be so happy to see his wife and his brother caring for each other and making each other happy.
If you talk to the children about your friendship changing into love, I'm sure they'll understand. Kids are a lot more accepting of life changes than adults, providing they're told the truth.
As for your Mother-in-law, she'll still be grieving hard for her boy and would probably be unhappy about any future relationship you may have.
When she see's how happy you both are and how settled the children are, I'm sure she'll come round.
Ultimately it's your life and you have one chance to live it. Take happiness where you can I say.
I wish you happiness and joy.
I hope this helps AB x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2013): I think you should move on, as this could cause relationship damage within someones family. There's plenty of other opportunities to find someone else you can love.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (4 October 2013):
It's perfectly natural... In fact it's a human tradition dating back to the beginning. And it only makes sense; you loved your husband and his brother probably shares many of the features you liked about him.
Your husband would probably be happy knowing someone who he trusts is taking care of his family.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2013): I couldn't imagine a better situation for you and the children. So many widows have to go through dating, messy random relationships, getting their heart broken, and struggling alone. I may be wrong, but what you have sounds more than right to me. You don't have to subject your children to some creepy stranger. The relationship is mature and clean. In other cultures, it's almost a duty to step-in. In your case, feelings are developing. Take your time, and see how things may go.I just want you to be sure you're not just falling for the similarities, and seeking comfort through replacement. He probably looks like your husband, and have many of his best qualities or traits. I hope you care for him on his own merit. Even if that is the case; he will prove who he is as a man, and an individual. They are brothers, but different men. They are good men. You never even considered it; until four years after your husband died! An unexpected moment brought you together. Just take your time, to make sure your feelings will not change in a matter of months. That you're not letting grief control your emotions; and he is only receiving feelings on the rebound. He needs to be appreciated for who he is, not for what you've lost. Once his feelings attach, you don't want to break his heart, or confuse your children.Expect a few eyebrows raised, and typical gossip. It's a rare blessing, and your husband would be happy to know someone is there for you and his babies. Even if nothing more comes of it. You're already family.I wish you the very best. It warms my heart.
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A
female
reader, desiree075 +, writes (4 October 2013):
My grandfather married his wife's sister after she died. Nobody was confused, all of us understood. We never questioned what happened between them as it was none of our business. I agree with Starlights. Good luck!
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female
reader, Starlights +, writes (4 October 2013):
 Your doing the best you can as a single parent now and I feel your husband would want you and your children to be filled with happiness and moving on with your lives.
Sometimes we cant help who we fall in love with. However every romantic case is different.
It might be a little confusing for your children if their dad's brother is in the picture or it might be very easy for them to adapt as he is already in the family and trusted.
All kids are different but all need they need is love and protection.
If you feel its "right" and if you honestly believe the two of you are grounded,
and that the children could adapt well
and you both are supportive of each other enough to make it work: go for it! However be prepared that not everyone is understanding.
Life's too short so enjoy every moment.
Wishing you the best!
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