A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid, My friend L is very sweet and funny, but also oblivious and selfish. I didn't let this bother me before, as I considered it a flaw and who doesn't have those? I also thought, "Her selfishness is her problem." But lately it's been really grating on me. I believe that I am there for her a lot more than she is for me. When she broke her ankle, I was at her house every day for a month (and more), cleaning, cooking, buying her things with money I don't have. When she broke up with her boyfriends, I cancelled my plans to take care of her. She had a cold a couple of weeks ago, and I went over with tea and ingredients for soup. She asked me to buy chicken, and I did it even though I'm a vegetarian and I'm not really comfortable buying chicken. Neither did I really have the time or energy to run errands. A few days ago, I had a handicap of my own. I had to confront an old boss of my mine, but I am always weak involving things like this. I know the right thing to say, but I just cannot say it. It's like watching myself go through the motions and have no control. I needed someone to sit by my side and not let me hang up the phone until he has given me what I deserve. I was on her campus and asked her if I could just come to her for five minutes to make this phone call next to her. She said that she's really tired and doesn't want to wait to go home. "I'm sure you can do it by yourself." I hung up curtly, and later did apologize for being snappy (Just because someone else is in the wrong, doesn't mean I shouldn't control my own emotions and anger). She told me later that she had had a breakdown that day. I know what those are like and she had my sympathies. But all the times that I had been there for her, she's assuming that I wasn't stressed or tired, or wishing I was rather doing something else. I had missed many nights with my boyfriend, including a trip to see his family. I try to make a list of the times she has been there for me. She helped me out with some paperwork and given me her hand-me-downs, and been generally pleasant during sleepovers. But I have a feeling that she'll only help me if it's convenient for her.Her selfishness also bothers me when it's with other people. L has a friend E who is temporarily looking for a place to live. L wanted to ask her roommates if E can stay in the spare bedroom, and all of them can split rent equal ways. I said, "Wouldn't that be unfair, since E is staying in a closet and you have a big sunny room?"L replied, "I don't care."I have also observed selfishness with her roommates. Her roommate is always buying groceries and cooking for everyone, and L hardly contributes. I know that it's not logical of me to be bothered by her selfishness towards others because it's none of my business. But I am! I also know that when I give I should do it without expecting anything in return. It's something that I'm trying to work on, but how do I work on it?Should I talk to her about this? Should I give it some distance? Both? If so, which one first? How can I bring it up without attacking her?Should I get myself out of this friendship before it gets ugly? I really don't want to do that because she's great at making me laugh, lifting my self-esteem, and having intellectual discussions with. I know it gets harder and harder to make friends as you grow older (I am 26.) Please help! She has some great qualities and I don't want to resent her the way I do. But I am also afraid because I had this other friend (who is also a Taurus) and things didn't end well with her either. I don't want there to be a pattern of bad-breakups.p.s: I caught her cold and haven't gotten any phone calls or visits with tea and soup. Not that I mind, I'm a big girl and can take care of myself.
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male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (5 October 2013):
Nobody’s perfect and as there are clearly things you like about this person maybe it’s best not to leave the friendship altogether until you’ve at least tried to make her understand that you can’t be taken for granted.
There is a type of person who can appear selfish. He or she (let’s stick with she as your friend is female) is a person always caught up in a drama, and needs the security of her close friends around her to feel better. Unfortunately, she may be a black and white type of personality, things are really great or they’re awful. She’s not good at spotting the subtle signs that her more stoic friends who she relies on, may be in need of a bit of support themselves. She needs it spelling out to her: she needs to be told that you need her support, not just ask her to be there when you make this difficult phone call and expect her to get it.
That can be frustrating because it’s hard for a perceptive and helpful person to tolerate some-one who needs it spelled out, but her intentions may be good. She may have said she was too tired because she didn’t understand how hard this confrontation was going to be for you.
I would also encourage you not to allow her to develop dependence on you. There’s nothing wrong with helping out and supporting her, but don’t drop your plans. None of the things you described were life-threatening or urgent. Don’t spend money you don’t have. Don’t be afraid to tell her now’s not a good time, and go to support her when you can.
I’m not saying she isn’t selfish, just that she may not be. The only way you’ll find out is by spelling it out to her what you need from her, and seeing if she is capable of learning that you’re not available to drop everything for her, which you’ll have to teach her by holding back a bit.
I wish you all the very best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI also want to add this: I realize that if I stopped helping people, I may relieve them of the obligation to help me in return. But the former is not easy for me to do. If you suggest, "Well if this friend isn't being there for you, then stop being there for her," can you please also tell me how to do this? Thanks!
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