A
male
age
36-40,
*hetz
writes:hi there everyone..first of all, i'd like to thank all the people who actually take time in reading these posts. Your answers are usually very helpful and much appreciated. Ok so here goes. I'm in a real messed up situation. I'm in love with my best friend and today she just told me she's getting engaged to her bf in january. They've been dating for 10 months now and i just don't know what to do. I wonder if i should tell her anything or not. I've been in love with her for longer than a year now. And she's slightly older than me. By 2 years. So any suggestions as to what i should do? Thanks in advance.
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male
reader, charlie p  +, writes (26 November 2009):
I do have a suggestion actually, sorry but don't tell her. It won't end well for you (or her).
A
male
reader, Candleman  +, writes (15 October 2009):
 Chetz,
I recommend getting her alone, not in a public place. Invite her to dinner or something. Sit her down and tell her. Make it the first thing that you do. Don't string out the whole evening setting this up. The sooner you do it, the sooner its over.
I'd work on what you want to say. You've delayed long enough so you have to get the courage up and do it.
I wouldn't buy any gift or anything. Just your words.
Something along these lines....
XX, We've known each other over these x years and as time has gone by my feelings for you have grown stronger and stronger.
I realize that my feelings for you are stronger than just friendship feelings. When I learned that you accepted xx engagement, it tore at my heart and I realized I needed to confess these feelings or forever live with the wonder of what might have been.
I value your friendship, and I have struggled in my mind whether I should share these feelings or not. But, I can not live an entire lifetime wondering if the love of my life, I let slip away.
You turned down x before your accepted his proposal. Could this be that you are unsure if he is truly the one for you? Is it possible that I could be the one for you?
Something like this....
I'm unsure of whether or not you should have something written out and read it to her. Something short like above. This way you get everything that you want to have said in the precise way you want it said.
Either way I really don't think it will matter much because you two already know one another and the point that you are trying to make is pretty clear no matter how unpoetic it may come out. Something like this won't hinge on how you present it to her.
Let me know what happens man.
Good Luck
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A
male
reader, Chetz +, writes (15 October 2009):
Chetz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok great...i've had enough responses to finally decide on what i'm going to do. I'm gonna go for it. The problem is, i don't know HOW to. How do i bring this topic up. Its very difficult for me because this is the first time i'm gonna be confessing my love to someone face to face..any suggestions?
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A
female
reader, Confizzled  +, writes (10 October 2009):
i definately think you should say something to her before she gets married, if she really is your friend she wont hate you for being honest. trust me on this. look at how many posts there are on this site about people who wished they hooked up with their best friends and got married to someone else.
ive been in this situation. i was the girl who gave her best friend many chances to make his move, and when he did i had already settled with someone else. to this day i regret not knowing before hand. if you really love her, she deserves to know.
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A
male
reader, charlie p +, writes (4 October 2009):
You also have to remember how this would impact on her bf, if he heard you loved her and always hung around massaging her etc. It would drive him crazy and he's done nothing to deserve that. I'm sure with their wedding coming up they're both nervous enough without something huge rocking the boat. I'm sorry mate but you gotta keep it quiet.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (4 October 2009):
 Did you ever ask her out? If not, too bad. You snooze, you lose. Seems like you had an opportunity to tell her before she met this guy and you missed it. Now you have to keep quiet. It's not a great situation, and it would be understandable if you kept your distance.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Candleman +, writes (3 October 2009):
I don't know. There's a big difference between looking at someone as a potential boyfriend and someone as a friend. What you described as far as a massage and shaking her shoulders is really hard to put a label on. It could be one or the other. Another thing to factor is whether or not this is an aggressive girl. Is she the kind of girl that will go out of her way to hint towards guys that she is interested in? If so, then you should have seen signs in the past that she was interested in you which makes your chance of success not very good. If you ask your question, then she'll probably say "I don't see you like that." Begin negative fallout, but have closure and go on with your life knowing instead of wondering. Do you have another friend that you can confide these feelings and avoid it getting out? Someone that would possibly know whether or not she would have these sorts of feelings towards you? If so, this is your safest route. The fact that she turned down the guy numerous times is definately something that is in your favor. But again, the key is does she see you the same way you see her? Now if there is no other one that can give you better insight, and you are aware of the consequences and can live with the potential negative fallout, then I say go for it. And man, if it turns out bad, learn the lesson of what happens when you keep your emotions to yourself and do not act on them. In fact, if it is a bad ending, take pride that you were brave enough to do this and make it the beginning of a whole new you. One who takes initiative and goes after what he wants. Good luck to you.
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A
male
reader, charlie p +, writes (3 October 2009):
Yeah, dont tell her. it wont be ideal for you, to say the least, but then its not an ideal situation. imagine if you did tell her, she wouldnt leave her bf, but she would change her feelings toward you. its just best that you dont.
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A
male
reader, Chetz +, writes (3 October 2009):
Chetz is verified as being by the original poster of the questioncandleman, hi. Well she hasn't hinted in the past that she's not interested in me. She's done many things to show me that she does have some feelings for me. She rejected the guy many times before finally accepting him. Maybe its coz she was waiting for me to make my move on her? Is that a possibility? She tickles me, she enjoys my company a lot, she even asks me to massage her back a lot. And sometimes i hug her after the massage and she sways from side to side. Do all the above make sense? Would she have slight feelings for me?
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A
male
reader, Candleman +, writes (3 October 2009):
Here's the deal. If you tell her and she doesn't share the same vibe, then you're probably going to lose your friendship. That, and the ripple effect w/ mutual friends could ruin these friendships as well. Consider what life will be like if you ask her and she says no.
Ask yourself this question. Is the only reason you are friends with the girl because you have amourous feelings towards her? Be honest. If yes, then what do you have to lose? If no, then consider the above. If yes but share lots of mutual friends, then consider the ripple effect.
Another question to ask yourself. Has she ever shown interest in you? What is the probability that she has similar feelings towards you? If she's hinted in the past that she doesn't, then you're setting yourself up for a bad situation.
What has to happen in a situation like this is that her feelings for you have to be stronger than her feelings towards this guy. And by feelings I mean lover feelings, not frienship feelings, big difference.
I know she got engaged, but overall has she shown discontent with this guy. Is she just settling for him? Because if she is madly in love, then you really don't have a chance at this point and you'll just hurt yourself.
W/ that said. The fact that she has just gotten engaged means you don't have any more time to waste. You've waited too long at this point to share your feelings, if you don't act now, then the chances of you having success diminish everyday.
If you don't act, then you'll be waiting and hoping that she breaks up with this guy. (Which would probably be you're best chance.) However, you torture yourself even more in this situation. You make it hard for you to move forward and find someone else, because you're emotions are wrapped up in this girl not knowing if there was ever a chance. You live the same life you've lead while she was with this guy for 10 months. The same life you've had ever since you fell in love.
So you have two options. Go for it and deal with the consequences, or accept that you can not be so timid in future relationships and allow your feelings to develop without taking action on them. Chalk it up as a lesson learned and move forward and find the next girl to fall in love with.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 October 2009):
Don't say a word. If she loved you, she'd be with you and not getting married. She's taken, happy and in lvoe woth anoher man. Don't make it complicated for her. Be her friend and nothing more.
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