A
female
age
51-59,
*ld-spinstah
writes:Hi all,I've just been dumped. Or rather been informed that a friendship is not going to progress any further and I've been knocked for six a bit.I've known this guy for about 5 years because I know other members of his family but he was married and living abroad. On his visits back to the UK he would often flirt with me but I would never respond to it or even acknowledge it because he was married. Last year he got divorced and moved back permenantly. My mates and I made sure that he was going to come back to a circle of friends and accepted him into our group. He's now a permanant fixture.Over the last year we got to know each other much better and for the past couple of months he has been spending a lot of time with me. After a group holiday recently, he became much more attentive and contacted me every day and started spending 4 or 5 evenings a week with me. We talked about how attracted we were to each other but how a relationship might affect our friendship. He was really attentive - lots of hand-holding and cuddling and I really thought that things were developing into something more.This week he tells me that he doesn't want to take it beyond friendship. I'm crushed but know that I have to move on - it won't be for the first time. The problem is that he's not giving me much space to deal with it. He still phones or texts daily and wants to meet up or hang out at my place 4 or 5 nights a week. Most of the time I just haven't picked up the phone because I've been busy but 2 nights ago he stopped by unannounced. He asked me out over the weekend which I declined and then felt hurt becasue I wasn't my usual chatty self (I'm hurting here!)He says he wants us to be friends and doesn't want me to blank him but I think that hanging out together as much as we were is not a good idea. I've tried explaining to him that I don't see even my closest friends 4 or 5 times a week and that I'm prepared for our friendship to go back to how it was before the holiday which meant that we socialised in a group about once or twice a month.He now says I'm being weird but I need space to get over him. Seeing a casual friend 4 or 5 times a week is way too much in my opinion if one of you is hankering after the other. What do other people think? Can a friendship after something like this possible or have we both really screwed things up?
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female
reader, old-spinstah +, writes (3 October 2009):
old-spinstah is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks folks, you've been helpful. I just really wanted to know that I'm not being unreasonable and that hanging out 4 - 5 times a week isn't "normal" for just friends. I have to see him on Monday - tickets were already booked. Luckily there will be loads of others there I know. Just hope he won't feel too snubbed if I spend my time catching up with them instead. If he does then I guess that's his problem.....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): All you have to do is to learn to say NO. If he acts insulted that you won't hang out with him, so what, he will get over it.
What you can say to him is "If you don't want a relationship with me as you seemed to lead me to believe, then you don't get to have me all to your self. I won't be able to always hang out with you when you want to do so as I have my life and my desire is to be with a man who wants the same things in life that I do and that is where my energy is going to be spent. I like you, no hard feelings, you have every right to date the women you want to do so, but you have told me this can not be more than friendship and I accept that."
Or something like that. Simply spend time doing the things you want to do and take your focus off of him and what he is doing and what he is feeling and it will take care of itself.
I am sorry you were disappointed by him, it sucks, I know, we have all been through something similar or worse.
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A
female
reader, old-spinstah +, writes (3 October 2009):
old-spinstah is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks oldersister but the question is not whether I should be "investing" in him - I'm totally aware now that the there is nothing to pursue. The question is how do I strike a happy balance? Totally cutting him out of my life is not an option as it would mean giving up a lot of social activities that he is likely to be at. I'm quite happy to see him at a social function once in a while but HE still wants to hang with me 4 nights a week. I'm not letting him and now he feels insulted.
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A
male
reader, Heartbroken in love  +, writes (3 October 2009):
Wow me and you are in the same exact boat here. I too am in love with my best friend who is a girl. She calls me her best friend but says her feelings toward me are not romantic in nature. She will insist that we stay close and even leads me on trying to make me believe (which she gives me no real reason to believe) that she might want me that way in the future. Though I know how hard it is to just up and stop contacting someone I would give anyone in yours and mine situation to do just that. If he doesn't want to fullfill you in the way that you wish he would what makes him think he should continue getting the fullfillment that he gets out of whatever you are to him? I think it is rude and selfish when people know someone has feelings of love for them to keep them hanging on. Just as this girl in my case this guy gets exactly what he wants from you but doesn't want to give you what you want. It is rude for people to do this to others. He should cut you loose to find someone that will want to be with you and is willing to fill you in the way you fill them.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 October 2009):
I know you're hurting. Of yourse you are. And of course you need space and time. There's nothing wrong with that. for him to say that really is a bit insensitive. So you have to tell him again that you need space to come to terms with the fact that you're not going to have him in your life as a boyfriend. Then, if he doens't listen, you'll have to make it clear by not replying to his texts and calls. Hopefully he'll understand. If he doesn't, then it's going to be his loss, because you will have to end the relationship to move on. All the best.
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