A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I am a 34 years old male. I was in a rehab for 5 months recently. I had been through a terrible heart break about 3 years back when the girl that I have loved since I was 14 married another guy. It's complicated, she married another guy because I wouldn't marry her. Anyway, I took to heavy drinking after that and ended up in a rehab. While in the rehab, I met this girl. She is 27. She has a pretty promiscuous past and is very obviously "slutty". I kept away from her for two months, because I'm a guy who does not appreciate such women, even for a one night stand. To be honest, I've never had any. Coming to the point, she tried to talk to me several times and I snubbed her away. Then one day she said something that really touched my soul and since then I started talking to her. I discovered that behind that "slutty" exterior is a sweet, almost innocent, vulnerable, terribly insecure - 14 year old that just wants to be loved. I have also learned that she was sexually abused in her teens by her father and later her brother, both alcoholics. After this, I got really close to her emotionally. I spoke to her and tried to give her strength. Oddly, when trying to give her strength, I found that I got stronger and forgot my own miseries. Before I left the rehab (she's still there) she told me she's fallen in love with me. She told me that before she came to the rehab, she wanted to die. After meeting me, she wants to live. That's the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me and I was deeply touched.My counsellor at the rehab thought there was something going on between us sexually. They also suspect I might be in love with her. Since then I've been told confidential things about her past like - her mom accuses her of being a prostitute, that before coming to the rehab she'd run away to a beach town and was sleeping around (possibly for money), she was passed out on a beach several times for a few days till a nearby shack owner took her cellphone called her mother and that's how she ended up in a rehab and also that she has genital warts.This girl did not tell me any of this. However, she did tell me a lot of crazy (sexually) things she's done in her past including going with her ex-boyfriend to one of those parties where they swap partners. She's also told me she's had anal sex (it's considered immoral in my culture).I acknowledge that in spite of knowing all this, I have developed feelings for her. However, I'm also disturbed by the fact that no one looks at her with respect. She's just a slut for everyone. They joke/flirt with her sexually all the time and she just laughs everything off. In fact she seems to enjoy it. I am deeply disturbed by her past, but willing to let go if she changes her behaviour. I can not change what people think of her though and it disturbs me.Now, I'm hearing gossip that she's been sleeping with a staff, while claiming she was in love with me, to gain favours (cigarettes, chocolates, other toiletries we didn't have access to while in the rehab). This is gossip, I don't know if it is true, but people are talking. People also say that she's picked me because I'm financially well off.I am totally confused. I like her and want to help her as well because I know if she comes out, she will be safe with me. Otherwise, she'll just come out and get into another relationship based on motives that will further destroy her. I truly want to help her, but she's made it clear that she doesn't want to be just-friends with me. She wants me as her boyfriend and that's the only way she will let me help her. And it not just helping her that I'm interested in, I seem to be in love with her as well. Even if it is not love, I care enough for her to be willing to put myself and my recovery at risk for her. I also am attracted to her sexually, which is anyway out of the question since she has genital warts.Sorry for the long rant, but I'm totally confused as to where to go with all this. To make it worse, the Alcoholics Anonymous 12 step program which I'm now following advices us to not get emotionally involved with anything (even a pet) for 2 years while in recovery. What do you think?
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alcoholic, anal sex, genital warts, her ex, her past, insecure, money, one night stand, prostitute Reply to this Question
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female
reader, AuntyMaur  +, writes (11 February 2011):
 Hi, I do apologise I had misread your post. I do sincerely wish you every personal sucess because you deserve all the happiness life has to offer.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm sorry AuntyMaur if you got the impression that I'm not listening. If you read my update again, you'll see that I am. I was only asking about how to tell her that it's over. It was a mistake. I don't want to hurt her more than she already is or needs to be.As for my hurt, I've been though worse. As Cerberus points out, I have used alcohol in the past to escape the problems I did not want to deal with. I have learned the hard way that I was wrong. I was also wrong to get involved with her in the first place. I must now try to minimize the casualties.There is a reason why I am not discussing this with the professionals at the rehab. They are in a position to hurt her since she's still inside. At least one of them professionals has a motive to do so. I would discuss it with a sponsor, but I don't have one (yet).You guys have been my sponsors, and I am grateful to you all for taking the time and interest to help me arrive at a solution to this dilemma. I learned in the program - it is impossible to solve a problem with the same mind that created it. That's why I came here for help, and help you did.I thank you all sincerely. God bless!PS: For those who do not know, a sponsor is like a spiritual guide one takes while in recovery. This person helps us overcome our day to day living problem. Much like this one.
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A
female
reader, AuntyMaur +, writes (10 February 2011):
It appears you didnt relly want our opinions because your not listening. Go be with her, ruin everything you have strived to be this past 5 months, you dont need us to tell you whats right for you you seem to already know. Good luck and I would sugest you book in advance another rehab visit in a years time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): OP you have to understand none of us are judging her, we don't care about those rumours because rumours are a load of crap even if they usually are just exaggerated facts. We're speaking from your stand point and the effect she will have on you.
You're not her escape and don't think for one second you're the first guy that she has thought about like that. I suspect pretty much every guy she has met she thought would be her escape. Now you're even falling into the trap of the idea that she's your escape, that's how it works with girls her.
OP what has been your escape for the past few years? That's right alcohol and what was the biggest lesson you learned from that time about escaping? That's right there is none, there is no escape from what is in your head. You can use drugs, sex, alcohol etc all as means of trying to escape but at the end of the day none of those things work because escaping your pain is not an option, there is no escape from that. All that happens when you try to escape is it catches up with you and you're always worse off. Because all that time you've been running from your problems you've been adding to them and making them worse until BOOM! they all come crashing down on top of you.
OP she has to learn the lesson it has taken you years and a lot of booze to learn, that is you have to stand a fight, you have to deal with your problems head on and not try and push them away. She has to learn those on her own at the moment you represent just another person who is enabling her to keep going with this lifestyle and not actually finally deal with her problems, what's worse OP is that she's in a place where she can finally get some help, just like you but you're putting a spanner in that works.
OP don't add to her problems and if these rumours are the reason you want to stay away from her then no offence but that's a shitty reason. You shouldn't judge people based on rumours but you should always be wary of what those rumours mean.
Do not tell her those rumours, she has enough worries than for you to make this place where she is supposed to feel safe and comfortable just another place where people judge her and belittle her. She doesn't need that, so don't do it.
You do need to distance yourself from her but as the others suggested you have take this all on yourself. It's not her it's you if you know what I mean. You need to recover, you're attachment to her is making that impossible so you have to take the advice of the counselors and stop getting emotionally attached to her or anyon. She has to do the same. Tell her that and that only, do not even hint at who she is as being the reason, do not for one second let her think that she is a bad person or that just being her is too mcuch for you. Stick to the rehabilitation reason and do not deviate from it. You need to recover and that's the most important thing.
You cannot do that while being emotionally attached to her so you have to distance yourself from her emotionally and do whatever it takes for that happen. Tell her all this but nothing more. You seem like and intelligent man. I'm sure you can tell her all this without even hinting at her lifestyle or any of that stuff.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): Eh, you are still trying to get people talking to you about her so you dont' have to deal with the consequences of coming clean about breaking the rules. Call your sponsor first and tell them everything. Five months in rehab is for serious serious addictions and this could be your last chance so don't blow it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 February 2011):
 The heart wants what the mind says you should not have. That happens quite often. But blindly following the heart often takes you to uncomfortable places where you never wanted to land to begin with.
Like in rehab .
As the anonymous male reader says, luckily you have trained professionals at your disposal that can answer your questions in a way that's congruent with the treatment plan you are following. I think they can also suggest you the best way to distance yourself from your friend.
Reading your update I am afraid you are still missing an important point : SHE may think this and that. SHE sees you as her escape... : That's HER problem , not yours.
You have to find a way out from your situation before you can help her, or anybody else, to find a way out from hers.
Any deep emotional involment at this point will only jeopardize your recovery without promoting the other person's one.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (10 February 2011):
 Don't mention the rumours. You have no way of knowing whether they are true or not, so why take the chance of hurting her further?
Tell her that you are taking the program seriously, that you absolutely will not have an emotional attachment for the two years. Tell her that, because you care about her recovery, that she must do the same -- stick to the program 100%. Wish her the very best. And then have no more contact whatsoever.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thank you all for your responses. I feared this would be your response. Unfortunately, the heart wants what the mind says I should not have. Life!
How should I break this to her? Should I tell her exactly what I've heard and what I'm going though and hope she understands. It might backfire because she may think I'm condemning her. She's been though a lot of abuse and from what she's shared with me, she sees me as her escape. She can finally stop running.
Or should I just keep distance without explanation?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): CindyCares has the right idea and really the only thing that will work and that is to follow your treatment plan. You have experts at your fingertips and I'd turn to them b/c they have been through this before and worked with many people like you. People on an advice site are not professionals in this area and you have access to professionals who won't let you get off track by talking about this new distraction you found as a way to escape talking about your problems.
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A
female
reader, ashley187  +, writes (9 February 2011):
 It seems this girl is there for help, and is still there because she she still needs a lot more of it. Start with a fresh slate. She told you what she wants you to know, the other half are rumors which may or may not be true. But you need to focus on you getting better and until you do that, you can't help someone else get better. Takes a healthy person to help another person get healthy. Good luck to you. I hope you stay on the right path!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): No, no no no no no! NO!
Do not get anymore involved with this girl, when you get the chance move as far away from her as possible.
Look my friend, you're only at the stage of having a close emotional bond with this girl and you're only at the very start of your feelings for her and so far nothing has happened. You're already in pain over her aren't you? You're already having sleepless nights, you're already obsessing about her and you think about her constantly. I mean it's already bad for you isn't it? The very thought of who she is hurts you, the very idea that this girl is like this gives you pain, how she has lived, the way she has been treated this all hurts you. Now imagine you actually start a relationship with her and you get completely attached, in love and all the pain that would bring, you see this is who she is. This how her life is going to be, do you really want to get involved in all that, do you really think it's a good idea to get in this deep with her?
You cannot change her, you will not change her she can only change herself and that's not going to happen. Living with and loving her would be a constant battle, you would be in constant pain and you know what all she is another drug to you. She is your new alcohol, you have replaced one poisonous addiction with another. That is the very thing they told you not to do for your recovery, that's why you can't have any emotional attachments for a couple of years until you get rid of your addictive tendencies.
Let me make this clear to you man, she will be the end of you, she will finish you off. She will do more damage to you than alcohol ever did, I know it's probably not her fault and maybe she's even a lovely person but she is just poison when it comes to relationships she will be the worst thing that has ever happened to you if you let her in any deeper.
Dude she's a lost cause and there is nothing anyone except for herself, that can do anything for her.
You see this is her life, this is who she is. This isn't an addiction she has to overcome like you have. Okay you drank way too much for a few years to deal with an emotionally traumatic event, but you can recover from your addiction. Hers is who she is as a person not just an event or situation, this is her. She cannot simply recover from the person she is. You know that's not how it works.
Now you've come here for advice to ask us how you can move on with this pain and how you can get rid of it, how you can change her into being a healthy happy person. You came her because you can't figure out how to do that, you want to know why? Because there is now way. There is no way to make this work.
You're 34, you're not a fool. You know this is a very bad idea but your heart wants you to find a way. There is no way, if there was you would have thought of it by now.
DO NOT GET ANY CLOSER TO THIS GIRL! She will destroy you as a person and she will ruin your life. You know this, don't doubt yourself.
You think helping her is helping your recovery, it's not, you've just switched your addiction from alcohol to her. Dude, that's like taking heroin to get over an addiction to alcohol. You might think it's helping but you've just replaced it with an even more dangerous drug.
That's all she is, a drug. You have to recover from her now too. You shouldn't have gotten involved you should have trusted your instincts and stayed away. Now you have two addictions to fight.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 February 2011):
I think you'd better stick to the program and follow their advice not to get involved with anybody for at least two years-otherwise what's the point of joining the program to begin with,if you are gonna break the rules at the first chance you get ?
Also, if you care enough for her to put yourself and your recovery at risk for her- you are right, that's not love, that's emotional/affective dependence, you'd just risk swapping your addiction to a substance with an addiction to a person.
Love is all important , yes, and the first love- and compassion - must be for yourself. If you ended up in rehab , it means you have a big problem. Take it seriously and take care of your own problems before taking on anybody's else.
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A
female
reader, AuntyMaur +, writes (9 February 2011):
Sometimes it's easier to help others than to deal with your own issues - do you have the qualifications to help this woman really?
Often people in re-habs feel a deep connection because of the shared experiences and empathy they feel for each other because only an addict understands another addict.
People are drawn toether because someone is listening which may confuse feelings of friendship with love.
My gut feeling is telling me to let this woman go.
Her life has been filled with abuse / sadness resulting in a woman who cannot differenate between sex & love and not taught values or boundaries or family morals.
Her life is in a tormoil of self destruction, luckily she is recieving the help she needs for her drug abuse or alcohol but she desperatley needs ongoing professional help from a Physcologist.
I dont think this is good idea to get involved, not yet anyway...I would walk away start your new life. I can understand this wont be easy but I truly believe if you dont walk away from this you may fall again.
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