A
male
age
51-59,
*uxcow
writes:Dear Cupid,I have been married for 2.5 years. Before the wedding we had a great relationship. I just recevied my Masters Degree and started a great job after being jobless for 2 months. The wedding was beautiful.Ok now imagine the sound of a car smashing into a brick wall! We both come from different faiths. She is Jewish and I am Christian. My parents are divorced and remarried and live 6 hours away. I have 2 sisters who are much older, have kids and also live far away. Her family is still married and they all less than 10 miles away. They are all very close. My wife never moved out of her parent's house until we got married. Her brother married a rich girl and they live way above their income since his father in law enables them too. When my father met her parents, they did not like each other. My father did not contribute to the wedding and my mom did as much as she could. When I asked my dad to contribute, he told me that he would discuss it with my mother so I stayed out of it. He did later on lend us money to buy our townhome and I paid him back 1 year later because to me a loan is a loan.I have had to hear nothing but constant insults about my father from my wife and inlaws. They even had the nerve to call him a nazi which is an insult to my grandfather as he was a World War 2 Veteran. One day, my inlaws convinced my wife that it was ok for her say whatever she wants to my dad. My dad called on the phone and she screamed and yelled at him like an immature 15 year old. I was livid and my dad has pretty much stopped trying to have a relationship with her. My inlaws have no college education and they are constantly criticizing me. They are even telling me to scream and yell at my dad. I wont do it beacause nobody has the right to tell me what or how to talk to my own father.Now I have never taken any money from my inlaws and have paid all of the bills in our household. My wife always goes along with what her mom says because they are so close. I feel like I no longer love my wife and our relationship seems devoid of any love that we had. She is always trying to start an arguement with me over my father. I used to scream and yell at the top of my lungs and now I just change the conversation or walk away. All she does is complain that we dont take a vacation or go to plays etc like her brother and sis in law do. I can't take this anymore. I have been through very hard times. I have just paid off my private grad school loans and purchased a new townhome. I need a friend not someone who is going to bring me down in life. I am considering filing for divorce but I am also told that the first 2 years are tough. I will never say my wife is a bad person but I can't take this constant bickering and the mind controlling mother in law. I am starting to think I made a mistake but I keep hoping that she will grow up. We went through counseling for 1.5 years and even the counselor said she doesn't know what to do at this point. I feel like her and her inlaws like to hate. Thanks for reading this!
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christian, divorce, immature, money, moved out, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, lovelyeyes +, writes (16 May 2011):
Wow!!! U have crazy inlaws!!! Who the hell do they think they are to speak to your father like that! U realy need to stand up for yourself and family. They don't have to like him but damn just to respect u they should keep their mouths shut. What's gonna happen u guys have kids. Trust me it gets 10x's worst w/inlaws and spouse when u have kids. U need to run from this family. If your wife was a good wife she shouldve told her family to shutup along time ago. If I was your father I wouldhave prob called your Mil a bad name then hung up on her face. Your dad doesn't deserve to be treated like that just because he parents different from them Screw that family. GET A DIVORCE NOW! Find u a girl who respsects u and your family.
A
male
reader, Puxcow +, writes (16 May 2011):
Puxcow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow! I didnt expect such well thought out answers so quickly! Cindy, you asked a good question. I didn't really get into it but I will say this. On the wedding invitation my father's name didn't have mr. in front of it and everyone else's did. He asked me if that was done on purpose. Like and idiot I asked them. It was petty. It was an honest mistake on the part of the stenographer. Nevertheless, we all moved on except them. Then after we got married, my father was kind of distant towards my wife but he was always civil to her and hugged her whenever we parted. He never insulted her or her parents. Her parents have also told me he was a bad father because he didn't help me with graduate school. I am totally ok with that because he told me and my sister that after college we are on our own. He has earned the right to enjoy his life because he was a good father who made me the independent person I am today. One day I got sick of hearing it from them so I told them they should call him and discuss it with him and stop putting me in the middle. They did it and he hung up on mother inlaw within 30 seconds. I guess that is the ultimate insult to MIL and he is a sexist! LOL I still hear about it from time to time. Oh and by the way I will be attending grad school again for a second masters in computer science on my own dime and credit! They tried to stop me but I said no as I know this will solidify my long term job security and income potential.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (16 May 2011):
You've been married for 2.5 years, and in counseling for 1.5 years and still feel like there's no hope? then you need to divorce and move on.
Your wife and her family have zero respect for your personal boundaries. The fact that your wife has no respect for your boundaries, or for you, makes her a dangerous marriage partner because unless she somehow changes and comes to respect you, she will do things that destroy the relationship.
It's unlikely that your relationship really was so perfect up until the wedding. Probably your wife was putting on a facade to get you to commit. Or you really didn't know her that well. Did you two not meet each other's families at all while you were dating? If so, were they - and her - not like that at all until after the wedding? People who are trustworthy, don't just change suddenly like that. The fact that she's comparing you to her brother and sister in law and how they go on vacations, means that she probably married you for selfish reasons, to get what they have that she also wanted (i.e. a marriage), and not because she truly loves you for who you are as a person. After disrespecting you and your family, she complains that you don't take her on vacation or to plays?? That sort of shows how superficial is her thinking about marriage....it sounds like she sees you as someone playing the role of a husband, an actor playing a role that she has mapped out in her mind of what a husband is, a role to serve her own interests, and not actually caring about you as a person.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 May 2011):
 Strange story, frankly, and tbh I fell you must have left out something , or be seeing things from a very personal perspective.
For instance, it seems that your wife and in laws feel a violent dislike toward your father. Likes and dislakes are often irrational, ok, but not to the point of abandoning any sense of civilty and yelling and insulting an older faamily member.
So, they must have , from their point of view, a reason, no matter how much warped or misconstrued, to act this way.
It can't be only because your father refused to contribute to the wedding, since in our modern ,non patriarchal days, the parents'contribution is not authomatic or mandatory at all, and since, in any case, if we really want to stick to tradition, it's up to the BRIDE 's family to cough up for
mostly everything. So what is it, are they angry with your father because he refused to pay for the bridal bouquet ? ...
Second, why would they insult him and call him a nazi out of the blue ? I am not implying that your dad MUST be a nazi if they called him so , just that maybe he said or did something unfortunate that could lead to misinterpretation.So, I am not saying that your wife and in laws are right, they would be wrong REGARDLESS, just for being so rude to a family member. But, unless they are all mental cases, there must be something that you have not told us, or that you do not consider important, but they do.
If you had to try and see the situation though their eyes, what would you say it's the main problem they have with you and/ or your father ?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (16 May 2011):
It's clear that your wife and her family are utterly vile. They sound like they come from the backwaters of life or something.
Look, you've got a degree, and a new job. Why not a new start to get rid of these people who are clearly nuts and are not good enough. You can be sure I would after 1.5 years of counselling and as much crap as you've taken.
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