| A
female
,
*imples26
writes: I have been with my bf for 4 years. He has not kept a steady job during this period. Every job he gets lasts no longer than a week besides one exception which lasted 3 months. I am 22, he is 23 and we have lived together for 2 years, after the first three months we lived together is when he lost that 3 month job, so he has not paid a bill since. I don't want to leave him over this, but how can I get him to get a job and keep it?
View related questions:
period Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, HollywoodGrace  +, writes (15 December 2009):
WAIT LADIES DON'T LEAVE YOUR MEN:
It is so easy to just take off and leave someone when things are going wrong. Instead find out why this is happening. Communicate with them. I had the same problem years ago, but I was the one who couldn't keep a job. Most people expect you to work no matter how much you hate your job, but I think that is unrealistic. I'm not money driven. I'm motivated by other things. I'm a very caring and passionate person. I had gone to school for television production and when I graduated I had to work these really awful jobs because no one was hiring in my field and so I kept quitting. However, I took some time and thought about what I wanted to do with my life and I went back to school for Nursing and I love it. I haven't missed a day of work since and it's been 2 years since I graduated. Help them find something they enjoy or want to do. Do not give up on them so easily...just talk to them, find out why, and help them through it. Be supportive...not financially, but emotionally. Don't abandon people you consider to be your close relationship partners or friends. They just need a little help and understanding. My ex dumped me before I became a Nurse because of this situation, but if he had just been patient with me things would have worked out okay. It's such a shame because we made a great couple.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2008): I'm in the same boat as most of you lady's. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 and half years. I am currently 7 months pregnant with this child .His only worked 8 months of us being together. I really love him and want to be with him. His helped me out with my anxiety and depression so much , i'm a better person for being with him but its like a double edge sword tho. he wont work at all , he feels all jobs are below him but he has no high school , doesn't drive , no trades. I tell him that his being to picky and i just need help paying rent. We live with his grandpa , who i take care of , in exchange takes of us. I feel like a freeloader and i hate it everyday. I want to live on my own and be independent! I know he's depressed over it and just goes into his own world and plays on the computer all day.Mind you i pay the bill , even tho i shouldn't .We are a prefect match when it comes to hanging out , our humor , but things are different with a child along the way. I cant have our child growing up with this stress of him not working. Not only its a bad example to give my child. I've threaten leaving him , I've been his supporter. I feel I've done all i can do at times. it leave's me so confused about what to do. Get out before he leaves me penniless and or try to make it work? I don't why us women put with men who wont work.He buys computer games , but we haven't been on date or even had a chance to celebrate our one year or 2 years of being together. dose anyone know how talk to someone like this? how to make him see clearly because i know he has it in him but his going to lose me and his child one day .
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2008): hooooly moly yeah. so im 21 and my boyfriend is going to be 32 this year. i have a career in law, im ambitious, and ive been working since i was 16. my boyfriend started working at 14 in a family business, got in a car accident in his mid 20s that took away all feeling in his right leg, and from then on decided he didnt want to work any more ever again. i ask every once in a while if he would consider maybe part time, because i feel like if he can walk a mile to get beer, he can work 15 hours a week. i mean he helps around the house; we arent living together right now because im staying with my parents while i work on my next degree, but im still paying all his rent and bills. i didnt mind it as much when we lived together because he did all of the cooking cleaning and pampered me every night when i got off work, but weve been in separate houses for about 8 months now and im not sure how i feel about our moving back in together any time soon. i dont know if i should be thankful i have a man that does all the housework and treats me like a queen, just doesnt work, or bummed that i could be so much further in my career if hed just give me a break and get a job.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008): I have the same problem, im 19 and his is 21, we have been together for three years now and he has only had 2 jobs none over 2 weeks. I so worried and i nag him about it making things work, i want to stay together and i trust him but his charatcer isnt the best. he wants to , he dosnt try half as hard as he says he wants it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007): Oh my Goodness...this is my boyfriend to the "T." We have been together for over 6yrs and he hasn't kept a job for over 1yr at a time and he's had at least that many since we have been living together. I'm at the point now where I am just tired of it and before I really start disliking him as a person I am going to tell him he needs to make other living arrangements. I have two kids not by him that I have to take care of and I know longer want to carry him and make things easy for him. It's taken me to get to this point to realize I need to make some changes that will hopefully be for the better for the both of us.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2007): I'm in the same situation you are and it is very scary to read how many replies there are with variations of the same theme.
I gave my boyfriend a deadline to find a job or find another girlfriend. I'm betting that it's not only about the job - he probably doesn't contribute in any other way - work around the house, cook, clean...to make up for the lack of monetary contribution. When I realized that this was nothing but a free ride for him, I changed my ways.
We're giving them the free ride by not setting boundaries. Set them and we'll all see what the true motives are for these men in the relationship.
Good Luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2007): I agree with LucidCupid.
you can't make him contribute unless you let him know you expect him to.
I am baffled by the number of women I know that have been "mothers" to their jobless boyfriends, myself included. I would love to know if there is sociological or anthropological research on the phenominon. it is an incredibly frustrating situation and if you enable him by feeding, housing, and coddling, it continues. it won't change unless you are extremely firm. you can't be his little cheerleader or nag him into it. being in that situation made me into a horrible nag, someone I'm not and really did not enjoy being. realize you can't change him, he's got to do it himself.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2006): When you have an answer please share it with me. My boyfriend and I are both 22, have been together for 5 years and he hasn't worked for 2 1/2 of them. We are perfect together except for that one thing. I even want to marry him and have his children!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2006): Oy vey....I think I dated his brother. I'm starting to believe a woman who wears a suit to work or has a career is a magnet for these types.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2006): Oh my! That was the scariest DE JA' VU moment I have ever had in my life... I thought I WROTE THAT!!! In fact staring at it, I could almost convince myself that I did... only 2 problems... I've never had a sign on name of dimples, and we DID have a child together... you know what happened... I finally had a mental breakdown from supporting both him and our son, finding him doing drugs and watching porn while I was at work all day. I kicked his butt out, went to counseling, had a huge custody battle over our son (we were never married,) and am now HAPPILY dating a man who works HARD and treats me like a princess. I have never felt so confident and so loved in my life. Run as FAR as FAST as possible! This guy will never change, and there is a MUCH BETTER life out there. It'll be hard, but the rewards are AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2006): PLEASE! The first thing, DONT HAVE ANY KIDS!!!! get or stay on the pill.Otherwise you are screwed for the next 20 years and if its tough enough now think just how much worse it will be then!
Second, make sure ther rent is only in your name then if needs be you can ask the police to evict him and he can do anything as he has no records to prove how long he has been with you esp as he hasnt worked. You have just been an extension of his parental home whether his family life was good or the pits, its time you left, get out NOW! Just as everyone else has said he DOESNT respect you and by the looks of your long term suffering you dont respect yourself either. After this much time the old adage couldnt be more to the point you cant change a man. Leaving is tough but in the next 5 years anyone would rather you were with someone different who made you happy (coz by being so loyal and supportive for all this time surely makes you VERY desireable)than this sack of shit.
Ive done it myself, the worst bit is the dumping and what to do next, but im telling you that staying wont be half as liberating and empowering as leaving or getting him out (i prefer getting him out, you didnt pay all those bills for all those years just to walk out) and moving on into a deserved phase of your life, but the longer you leave it the harder its going to be.IM keeping all my fingers crossed for you. you really are worth so much more, it is hard to do something like this after so long but getting your life back instead of this self imposed slavery is worth all the shisters in the world put together xxx
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2006): 4 years... I guess I should do well to get out at less than 10months
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2005): You have nothing to lose. Any man who would live on you for 4 years does not respect himself and surely does not respect you. You have nothing to lose because you have nothing in him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2005): I am sorry to say that I have been with a guy for over five years who has behaved the same way. now we have a kid and he blames everything on me. he even thinks that i should support him because i got pregnant. run, honey, run. definately before it gets too serious.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2005): Can I move in with you, too? This working thing sucks.
...............................
A
female
reader, QueenB75 +, writes (20 October 2005):
I am currently in the same position, but only add on having been to jail a few times. My boyfriend hasnt kept a job no longer than 2 months. I've called him a couple times and I would catch him sleeping in until 2-3 in the afternoon while the rest of the world is up and gone to work and in school and this fool was just getting up. The problem with him is that he wants to eat and sleep for free and don't think he should have to pay for anything citing 'my lady will take care of it'. To some guys it's an ego trip to have your wife and/or girlfriend to be working while your tail is laying up in the house doing nothing. If your man isnt going to get his butt in gear it's time you consider asking him to move out because he's not going to drain you emotionally and financially by not giving you his half of the rent each month. Let him know that he's got to pay the cost to be the boss and if he can't get with that program, then get with the find someplace else to live you're out of here program.You can do better than to come home to someone who's financially, occupationally, and emotionally unproductive. No woman in her right mind should be playing house with a man she's not married to because this is what you end up with in the end dealing with chronic unemployment and other issues that get worse over time. Again if your man wants to live there with you he's got to pay the cost to be the boss.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2005): Talk to him and explain to him the strain this is having on you him not working and all the bills being down to you..explain to him that you cant keep taking on all these bills by yourself and that if he was to have a job as well there would be more money for you two to do more things and to treat yourself every so often.
...............................
A
female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx  +, writes (12 October 2005):
 This guy has got it made. He's got you at home to pay for everything so why would he bother getting a job and keeping it? Why work when you will bail him out anyway?
You need to get out and start a new life on your own. Maybe you'll meet someone who respects you and themselves and you can have a balanced and equal relationship. This can't go on, he's taking the mickey out of you. Good luck :)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2005): There's really nothing you can do for him. Your guy needs to find the strength and motivation within himself to make something of his life. Asking him to leave if he doesn't find steady work, may be the "tough love" answer to get him up and going. Your boyfriend is still very much a little "boy". I'm just guessing but it's possible you've taken on something of a "mothering" role-nagging, lecturing. If you have done this-ask yourself...is this the kind of relationship you want? I think not..no one wants that type of relationship.
He can't be a "man" for you until he takes charge of his own life of his own volition. You owe it to yourself to have a "straightforward tough talk" and tell him, to start taking steps to help himself and take on a few responsibilities. Give that problem back to him and stop making it easy for him. It feels so wonderful to be with a strong, purposeful, self directed man. If he can't be that for you-then go find one of those. Or.. you can take the easier way out-accept him this way, and keep yourself busy until he straightens up. But that may take many more years and do you want to wait that long? It's not your responsibility to keep "mothering" him. You're his gf and this relationship is greatly unbalanced..with you taking on all the responsibilities of everyday life (bills, rent, food, etc) That's unfair and let me ask...how much respect do you have for him when he doesn't appear strong enough to work on himself and pull his weight? Dear, you could be fighting a losing battle and you cannot make someone change. They have to want to change for themselves.
Your common sense and heart knows the best decision. But ultimately, do what's right for you and for your sanity. I know you don't enjoy nagging & mothering him, so stop. If you want a boyfriend who's self-sufficient, let him know he has to become that. He won't become that- with you leading the way. Just some thoughts to think about..you have some big decisions to make and I wish you well. Good luck
Hugs, Irish
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (12 October 2005):
 You must not mind being the meal ticket if you've stuck it out for 4 years. I would have gone my separate way a long time ago. YOU can't get him to get a job and keep it, HE has to do it.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2005): Drop the lazy bum, why should you carry his weight.
...............................
A
female
reader, Stewart Terrace +, writes (12 October 2005):
Threaten him that you will finnish with him even tho you do not want to. Jobs are hard to get but when he does get one support him if he leaves it and does not pay his half of the bill's be firm and tell him to leave he not takeing responsability and not helping you do it for your self. Take care
...............................
A
reader, Groove +, writes (12 October 2005):
People tend to act (at least in the small things) how we expect them to act. Your boyfriend probably needs a lot of encouragement, and I'm sure you will have realised this and have been giving it, but if he is trying, and you want to stay with him, keep the negative comments to a minimum. While you are paying for your bills presumably you are not able to save money for a house (if you don't own your own) or holidays etc. This is unfair as you need to look out for your own future and security too. The most sensible thing to do would probably be to first make sure you both have your own accounts from which you each pay specific bills. Decide between you which bills he will pay and which you will pay, and discuss how you intend to develop this over time, so that his share is fair. You need to talk with him in such a way that expresses to him that you expect this from him, and that any protests are unreasonable. If you pay all the bills in your name, or you share an account, he has very little incentive to bring the money in. Of course there is a risk that if he doesn't pay then he will get negative credit, and as someone who lives at the same address you will suffer too. I do not believe that in all situations partners should contribute equally in a financial sense. It is a question of pulling your weight. If he was taking care of the home or children this would be different. Equally, it's not always a person's fault if they are 'out of work' but it seems pretty clear that he is not giving these jobs a chance. I would imagine he does not feel that great about the situation. Of course, having your way paid for you has its perks, but is no good for your own sense of self worth. The first week in a job is often the worst and you should always give it AT LEAST that length of time before deciding it's not for you. If he isn't willing to work for your future together I think you know the answer. In the meantime, might it be an option for you to decide to both move out temporarily. I know this seems like a hard option but my hairdresser did it to pay off her bills! They're back together now, and much better off for it.
This is a very depressing situation for you and you must know you should be able to expect more from a man. The two of you need to sit down and discuss (with dates and plans) your options for the next year or so. If you don't, you'll look back on this and live to regret the time and money you wasted. I hope you can sort the problem, but it takes two, and he has to be willing! All the best.
...............................
A
male
reader, LucidCupid +, writes (12 October 2005):
He hasn't paid a bill in nearly two years?As women rate security and a mans ability to be able to provide for his family very high on the scale of what makes a man attractive,I'm baffled as to why you're still with him.Normally I'm an advocate for 'make up' rather than 'break up' in all but the most hopeless cases,but you're wasting your time with this one.YOU can't get him to get a job and keep it,it has to be 100% HIM.He obviously has no motivation,or any inclination to be committed to whatever vocation he tries.And he's not committed to your relationship either,he's just along for the free ride.Relationships are about giving and receiving,but all he's doing is taking.I'm not saying there's no hope for him,I think you just need to set a fire under his butt by telling him exactly how you feel about his complacent attitude and that you want him to start paying his way in the world and start pulling his weight in the relationship.But I emphasise again,he has to WANT to get a job and be committed.All you can really do is encourage him.Good luck.
...............................
|
