A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is probably gonna be a long story, but here goes:I recently graduated from college and moved back to my hometown. Between having a full-time job and not having many friends that still live here anymore, I decided to make an effort to date using an online dating site. I'd been on a few dates, but they weren't really going anywhere. But early in March, I met this girl. She was so easy to talk to to the point where we both felt comfortable enough to meet up after two days. She recently moved here to be closer to her family and she was looking to make new friends just like me. Anyway, our first few dates were awesome. We just had so much fun and we could talk about anything. We have contrasting personalities (she's an extrovert and I'm an introvert), but we like a lot of the same things. I've been in love with a woman before, but I've never fallen for someone so quickly like I did with her, and when I fall for someone, I fall hard. My problem is I've grown up with so many self-esteem issues and I second-guess myself all the time and that's the one thing about me that she can't stand. To make matters worse, her ex, the person she I guess tried to get away from is now trying to win her back, and he's going through great lengths to do it: he recently "bought" (well, put in her name) the car she really wanted when she was car shopping a while back. I honestly don't know if I'd be able to compete, even though she tells me I have nothing to worry about. She's my first girlfriend and I do so much for her because I care so much about her, but am I better off just asking her if she wants to just be friends? It would kill me on the inside, but I'd feel worse if I stayed with her if she was in love with someone else?
View related questions:
her ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 June 2014):
 If I hadn't read the follow-up post, I would have thought she had accepted the car as well, in which case I would have verbally flayed her character in my reply.
However, she refused the car, and I can tell you this from personal experience, that exes who try to buy extravagant gifts with strings attached in an attempt to win back my relationship with them scare the living daylights out of me. Buying gifts like that comes off as creepy and scary, and makes me wonder if their over-the-top gesture will turn into an over-the-top retaliation when I reject it (and him).
Excessive gift buying travels into stalker territory when it's not initiated and not wanted. It makes perfect sense her "trying to get away" from him, and I wouldn't doubt that she's probably contemplating a restraining order if he keeps this stuff up with the unwanted advances.
Your fear isn't that you are competing with this guy, because she's not liking this obsessive attention one single bit. The fear I have is that he's a psycho and I wouldn't want to see him start harming himself or others. Stay with her, but don't do any public Facebook postings or wild loud grandiose gestures that scream "HEY! WE'RE A COUPLE (And guess what, psycho ex, I'm a RIVAL!)" just yet until he's out of the picture.
A
male
reader, Malcontent  +, writes (17 June 2014):
Some of the answers on here haven't understood what the girl has done so far since being offered this expensive gift from her ex-boyfriend.
A few have jumped to the conclusion that she has accepted it, and is therefore toxic to the OP. Although this, OP hasn't actually said anything to suggest that she has.
Therefore it's difficult to draw much - if anything - from this, because we don't know how she is reacting to this, or what her actions have been so far.
The only possible line from this to pin anything is that she is "trying to get away" from him. Tried? How so?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2014): Thank you for all of your answers. I should've been a little more descriptive of the entire situation, she did NOT accept the car, but it just kinda freaks me out how far he has the potential of going to win her back. I've talked with her and she reassured me that she has no plans of going back to him
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 June 2014):
 I'm with the others, it does not look good. At least, if you mean that she accepted such an expensive gift from her ex. That's almost unblievable to me, IF she did that : 1) either she is the dumbest girl on earth who believes this is just a no strings, friendly gesture b ) or she is a callous type who is planning to take advantage of this ppor guy's soft spot for her , without any intention of going back to him or c ) she IS planning to get back with him, she just wants to squeeze some more presents or favours out of him before she does, but it's a natter of time.
Generally I encourage young men like you to face their fears and stifle their insecurities, and to trust , if not their gf's morals, at least their intelligence, normally a girl KNOWS whom she wants to be with ,and if she stays with him ,it's because that's exactly what she desires to do even if she'd have " better " offers available. But,then, normally a taken girl would not think to accept a gift worth thousands from another man , who's also an ex.
...............................
A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (16 June 2014):
 You don't make it clear what her reaction was to him buying her the car. Did she accept or decline and run like hell?
You say you do so much for her as your care about her...does that include buying her things?
Mark
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (16 June 2014):
 Wait, she accepted the car from her ex? Back off immediately, this girl has no boundaries and will not stop at anything. What the hell, I wont even accept a needle from my ex, let alone anything else! If its done, its done. No contact, no gifts, no obligations, no favors, nothing.
Remember OP, everyone extracts their pound of flesh. The ex isnt just giving her a gift because he has money to spare, he's giving her the gift to win her back and the fact that she's accepting it means that she's leaving major channels for communication open. Also, she will be obligated to him and will obviously keep in touch. All this also shows you the kind of girl that she is. She doesn't mind accepting "gifts" and there is nothing she will stop at.
Its not the guy's fault here, he's just trying to win her back. Its entirely the girl's fault for encouraging him by keeping his gift, and that too a car! Even if she doesnt intend getting back with him, she's toying with his feelings which is very wrong. And do you really think he's going to leave her this easily after she's accepted such an extravagant gift from him? Either she thinks she's very smart and just uses guys to have an easy life or she's just playing with you. Either way, she's going to get into big trouble with this attitude of hers because while she thinks she's too smart, she's going to get caught in very messy situations that she cant get out of.
Dont wait for things to get worse. Let her be and just walk away.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2014): I think accepting the car from him is just as bad as leaving you and going back to him would be. What she did was take advantage of the fact he still has feelings for her. Just how many gifts does she plan on accepting from him? Where will she draw the line? The word "materialistic" came to mind when I read your post. Here's another thing that concerns me. She "tried" to get away from him. There is no such thing as "trying" when it comes to no contact. You either cut a person off or you don't. He shouldn't have had a way to get in contact with her, because his number should have been blocked, his Facebook or any other social media should have been blocked, and she moved so he also shouldn't know where she lives. That's what you do when you truly want to get away from someone. You don't tell them where you are, and you cut off any way for them to contact you. I'd be suspicious as well. It means there is a reason she is back in touch. It's one of 2 reasons, (unless there is something you haven't mentioned like a child between the 2 of them). 1.) She isn't sure how she feels for him at the moment and is pondering what to do. 2.)She truly has no intention of ever going back to him, yet she plans to get as much as she can from him while he still has feelings for her. I think you are right to question your relationship with her. I would listen to your gut feeling. You know something is wrong here. I don't know anyone who would be comfortable with their partner accepting gifts from an ex, especially when the ex is trying to "win" them back. He isn't so innocent, either. He had to have done something wrong to make her "try to get away from him". Now he has implied he thinks her love can be bought. If it can, she wasn't worth your time anyway. I still don't think she is, but that's just my opinion. I recommend you work on your self esteem issues before you get in another relationship. Dating people who are bad for you will only make it worse.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (16 June 2014):
 You know something, a girl who accepts such a gift from a man she knows is trying to win her back, when she claims she doesn't want him back really doesn't seem that much of a catch to me.
Consider the consequences of that ....
What if she is serious and she isn't interested in getting back with him, and he has financed the car as bribe ... what do you think he is going to do when he finds out his attempt to purchase her affections didn't work?
Will he shrug his shoulders and walk away? Somehow that doesn't seem likely to me, what do you think?
Will he try a bigger and better bribe, say for example an overseas trip? Would that work, could she be bought for the cost of a holiday, or a new computer or smart phone, maybe an apartment might be the asking price.
What are you going to do while he is trying to buy her back?
Just sit there and take it, or blame it all on him and try to snot him one?
This girl lacks morals and ethics, she should not be accepting gifts from an ex, if I were you I would not be hanging around for the next chapter because I can only see a lot of grief coming from this, somebody is going to end up hurt. Get out of there before the person getting hurt is you!
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (16 June 2014):
 She knows the ex boyfriend has feelings for her and bought her a car, or at least helped secure financing for one, in a bid to win her back. She knows this, claims he has no chance but accepted the car anyway.
Don't you think that might encourage him to think there is hope? And if there truly isn't, do you think using another man's feelings for her own material gain is a reasonable thing to do? And right in front of another man she wants to impress? If you were the ex, which you may one day be, is this how you would want to be treated?
She's demonstrated very poor judgement and lack of character.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2014): This will be very brief sorry. You haven't specified why things ended between your girl and this ex so I'll assume she ended it. Now he's trying to buy her love back and sure that could work for materialistic girls but your girl doesn't sound that way from what you've said. I have had someone try to buy my forgiveness before and I was actually embarrassed and uncomfortable and a little insulted to be honest. Your girlfriend hasn't given any indication that she has feelings for this guy. If you believe in your love you should believe that her affection can't be bought away from you. Respect her enough not to assume she can be bought and paid for. Personally though, if I were you I wouldn't tolerate this guy's behavior towards your girlfriend. It's out of line for him to be giving her gifts, especially expensive ones. He may need to be reminded that he doesn't have the right to do that anymore and he doesn't have a place in her life anymore.
...............................
|
