A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello all,I have an issue which I feel is pretty odd at the moment..I feel as though I cannot seem to develop any kind of romantic feelings for people. I used to be really shy when it came to talking to girls but over the past 2 years or so I've come a pretty long way and don't really have much of an issue anymore. I think my problem could stem from the first girl that I slept with, I fell for her and it was more of a casual thing for her and it came to an end. It hurt me pretty bad, but I got on with things best I could.I am currently 22 years old and up to yet I've never had a girlfriend and besides the aforementioned girl, I've never had feelings strong enough to even want to pursue a relationship with anyone else. But this is where I think my problem becomes a bit more deep because this isn't the only thing that's bothering me.I have a lot of issues that I will detail:- Whenever I sleep with a girl, I always seem to lose interest in them almost immediately.- I have literally no interest in putting in effort to try and attract females. Whenever it comes to texting and messaging, I am so ignorant and slow to reply it is unbelievable- I feel that if I were to become involved in a relationship, I have a strong feeling that I would cheat. I can't explain why I feel that way, I just have that image in my mind when I think about myself in a relationship.- I always think that if I did get a girlfriend, that I would be missing out on someone 'better' than my current gf (Reading that back sounds like a massive d*ckhead thing to say, but that is just how I feel)This is all I can think of for now, if I can provide any more information for anyone to try and help, I will do my best.I understand that this problem sounds extremely odd. I literally feel like I will never be able to catch feelings for anyone. Even girls that I've wanted to get involved with, I lose interest in them either after a period of time or if we sleep together - I can't quite get my head around all of this.I appreciate any comments in advance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou Cindy, you brought up some very interesting points.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 June 2014):
 I must have done even a worse jon of explaining myself than you :)
I did not mean that you are still in love with the first girl and cannot forget her - just that perhaps, to decide that you are intrigued or interested or excited about a woman, you wait to feel those some sensations you felt then. But it won't be necessarily so, because every person, situation , life stage is different, so maybe now you could feel different feelings and think different thoughts .. and still be interested, if it makes any sense.
For the rest, nver say never at 22, I can't but smile a bit when I hear someone your age saying that they "never " this or that- change it with a " not yet ", you've got more chances to be correct.
Why can't you get interested, why can't you bother ? I guess a mix of two things : in part it's just situational, not everybody can attract our attention and make us curious or excited , you know,- except in the case of serial crushers, in fact it happens sort of seldom that someone strikes in a way which make us want to make the effort. Maybe you have particular standards, maybe you are a bit choosy, maybe you are unlucky and you just meet lame,boring girls, - situational anyway.
And in part, the most important part, though, it is that falling in love ( i.e. mobilitating our erotic energies ) is much more about US than about them. It's a bit like " when the student is ready, the teacher will appear ". In a sense, the other person is just a cathalyst, for a process that we are ready ( or not ready ) to manifest. We fall in love when we need it, in a way, when we are ready for a transformation, for a change, to let go with pieces of our self that do not serve us and do not reflect us anymore. Falling in love is a jolt to the system, a push onto a new path. I am not just saying it in a superficial sense, like, that people fall in love when they are bored, or when they feel a bit down and need
" something " to wake up their interest in life
( although, that too happens extremely, uncannily often ). I mean it in a deeper sense, like when we are ready to transition to the next phase of our existence ... and we do not even know it yet. But, all this erotic, creative, transformative energies start being stirred up, and sooner or later , the girl you offered a coffee just to be polite or to kill time, starts looking strangely interesting, and alluring, and appealing etc... and , voila, you are ready for romance. It's not so much about her, it's more about you, what you want and what you need, without even knowing.
It may be perfectly well that right now you are just fine the way you are, and you do not need to grow/change /challenge yourself emotionally. So that's why the dart of Cupid has not pierced you yet. But , you never know. Cupid is tricky , naughty , playful and impredictable, it may happen when you least expect it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI feel as though I've explained a lot of this very poorly. I don't think of this girl anymore, I was over that a long time ago, it was almost 4 years ago now. I just mentioned that as I felt it may have some relevance to my problem.
Also, I don't think I am trying to force this issue, more just wondering why I never seem to develop feelings. It just seems that my interest never seems to develop into anything major, even when I first think a girl is attractive I could of been speaking to her for some time before my interest just wains.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (16 June 2014):
But you feel like this precisely because you are not in love ! if you fell in love hard, either you'd be almost magically cured of your fickleness, or you'd remain fickle but you'd willingly choose to commit, and to develop some moral integrity and self control , and you would pass up possible temptations even if maybe you'd still feel a little tempted, at least on a physical level.
You are only 22, I don't think it's so strange that you haven't found yet your half apple, as a matter of fact it would be worse, albeit maybe more common, if you were one of those types who's " really in love " with a new girl every 15 days.
I think what also may contribute to your problem ( if we want to call it a problem ) is that you are still hung up about your first sexual experience , and you have sort of idealized it, you haven't quite digested that, maybe you don't handle rejection too well, maybe it was really something special for you, anyway you haven't QUITE been able to do that healthy paradigm shift that makes you say ,Ok, then was then, now is now, so ...next. Maybe you think that you SHOULD feel about a girl the same exact way you felt about that girl, but you don't take into account that then you were a different person, a shy , younger, awkward, virgin guy, you've left that behind , so also your romantic feelings will be different now. Do not compare- BE HERE NOW.
Anyway, you should not even " force " yourself to fall in love, and / or worry if it's not happening. If it's not happening it's because , as of now, your emotional energies are invested elsewhere, and you do not NEED to feel in love.
I also think that you are, simply and normally, wavering between enjoying your youth and fun singletude and free time with no obligations to anybody- and the normal moments of melancholy and wistfullness that may happen also in a generally fulfilling single life, particulaly when you see your friends, or even strangers around you, in love and involved in happy stable relationship. You feel as if you are missing out, or, actually, to be precise, you feel just fine, but you think : what's wrong with me, SHOULDN'T I feel like I am missing out ? SHOULDN'T I want what everybody else seems to want ?...
Pardon the irriverence, but.. that's a lot of mental wanking, and probably the aftermath of when you were a shy socially awkward teen with not much success with women and a lot of time to think about it.
Just go with the flow, if you want to create romantic bonds you will, if you don't want you will not. Eventually, we may talk about it in 15 or 20 years, by then , if you haven't been able to form any sentimental attachment, it may signal a problem, like that you are holding back emotionally or are afraid of being vulnerable or whatnot.
But for now, at 22... you are not falling in love ? Better ! Enjoy being single without all the heartaches and bellyaches that so often are the flip side of having a significant one !
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys,
Thanks for your inputs. In regards to do I have any close male friends, yes I have a pretty large circle of friends and I have at least 5 people that I could call very close friends that I feel I could tell anything to.
Any maybe I phrased it a little wrong, I have NEVER had a girlfriend. The girl I mentioned was the first person I slept with and I wanted to start a relationship with her but she didn't feel the same.
I do feel as though sometimes I would like a relationship and someone to share those feelings with, then on the other hand I will see something that will make me appreciate being single, like a friend and his GF rowing, something like that.
To the second anon, I can totally see where you're coming from that if I found someone that I wanted to be with that I wouldn't be looking at othe girls. But for some reason I always have that thought in my mind that I would be doing, that's why I feel like I would cheat.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2014): Do you have close male friends? Are you close with anyone? I am wondering if this is more about you having any relationship in general as opposed to just romantic relationships. A lover and partner is someone who you want to hold dearly (yeah, sounds sappy), someone you want to have a sincere relationship with. Your insecurity about missing out on better girls once you're in a relationship is unproductive. When you truly like someone, as a friend of girlfriend, you do not ask if there are better options. You accept that person despite their flaws. Do you not know that feeling? Also, you say you lose interest in people soon after having sex with them, but you have only had one girlfriend. Is that statement due to fear and oaranoia - sonething you expect to happen once you have sex or were there other people you slept with other than the gf you mentioned whom you lost interest in? Perhaps you should evaluate what you want out of a girlfriend. Do you think your views on women have any effect to this statement?I think you are overthinking and dreading things that could happen when in fact they will not as long as you pursue honest relationships with others. Do you suffer from social anxiety or have problems getting to know people? It kind of seems like you are afraid of yourself and what you might do as opposed to what you do do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2014): Do you actually want to have a relationship? Some people don't or at least have stages in their life when they'd rather not be in a relationship.
Are you asking the question because you're pretty sure you don't want to have a relationship but, (because most of the people you know DO,) you're wandering whether you're "normal"?
Or are you asking because you DO want a relationship but you feel that fears and insecurities cause you to mentally push people away when it looks like a relationship might possibly be on the horizon?
If it's the latter, then some counselling might help you.
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