A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: My daughter is 28, her boyfriend is 32. They both graduated long ago and both have masters in different fields. They both have VERY good jobs with VERY nice salaries. They both travelled the world. My daughter was on every continent, and more than 40 countries. Their living situation is questionable as they still live with 4 roommates in a very expensive city, where rent is horendous and real estate to buy even more. Even with their salaries. For them to afford a house they need to move away from the city into the suburbs. But of coursethey won't because they love the life they live and no one talks about having a family. All their friends are in their very late 20s and early-mid 30s. No one is married. They all date for many years, but there are no families, no kids. I am not saying to marry or have kids as early as I did, I was hardly 20, but I see it like a sort of "epidemic" now when new generation is very relactant of having a family. I know it's hard, kids are hard, but at one point people want to settle down, it's supposedly only natural to want to have children. Though I am in my late 40s and I met their friends who are really only may be 10 years younger than me they act like big children. They still stay in clubs until morning, they talk about girls like teenagers. They quit jobs and go travel for a year in Europe, what years ago teens did, but not 30 year olds. No one is pressuring my daughter, we don't talk about it with her, but this thought is on my family mind. My aunts, my father, they keep on asking me about my daughter and her plans for the future. My daughter is the only child, as myself, she has no siblings, it's just happened. My aunts and my extended family lives abroad. My daughter doesn't even remember them, as we left country when she was a baby. So, basically she has no family here. My husbands family is very small: one sister, and her 2 children, and they also live abroad, and my daughter hardly knows them also. I just don't want her to be all alone in this big world without any family, but to see how things are going with her starting a family I am worried about her never having a family.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2014): Who said they were stupid, Cindy cares, I wish you didn't read between the lines. Your aggressiveness is caused not by post but it's coming from your own life experience. So, please don't tell me that I wrote something that brought up these outbursts. At 28 a person still doesn't know what she/ he wants? 28 is not 18. I am not saying that at 28 you need to be sure in every step you make, but at these age one can at least figure out what is that she/ he doesn't want. With this attitude when we bring up our children to think that at 28 they are still kids, they keep on acting like children. To live only for yourself is easy and effortless. Children change you In a good way and you grow as a person. I met many childless people and can see how different they are from whose who are parents. You see this world in a completely different way when you get a privilege to care for another human being. And I don't want my child to miss out on that.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 October 2014):
 OP, some of the aggressiveness you complain about, to be blunt and honest... I think you were calling it upon yourself, and it could have been worse :).
In your well meant , affectionate , motherly concern, you probaly do not realize how aggressive is YOUR approach. As if only knew had the key to how life should be
" truly " lived, only you knew what's the " right " thing to do.
As if living with roommates , or living in an expensive but exciting , culturally rich big city is necessary wrong, and life is only well lived in suburban isolation and splendour. As if a childless life is just a half life not totally worth being lived. As if devoting maybe just few more years than you did ( after all your daughter is not even 30 ! ) to personal pursuits, and/or just to having fun, is necessarily childish, stupid and " spoiled " . As if anybody who has other priorities than marriage and children is a poor sap that does not know about " true " life.
Personally I am not much of a rebel, believe me, I am a middle aged middle clas woman with an adult son and a rather mainstream life. And yet- I've got eyes to see. We can't say the traditional model of mononuclear family
( married pop and mom plus 2.3 children, - maybe with stay at home mom who cleans and bakes cakes ) has been such a brilliant, stellar success and has generated undisputable personal and social fulfillment. I don't want to go all hi-brow, but read any current social antropology text and you'll see that its validity is being amply challenged ; at least its validity as the ONE form of family, or the ONE form of positive social aggregation.
Of course that does not deny that everybody, as you say , is entitled to have their own opinions . But one thing is having opinions, and all another saying , or implying, " everybody who does not do what I did when I was 25 is an immature loser "... eh yes, that's going to elicit strong reactions.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2014): "Their living situation is questionable as they still live with 4 roommates in a very expensive city, where rent is horendous and real estate to buy even more. Even with their salaries. For them to afford a house they need to move away from the city into the suburbs. But of coursethey won't because they love the life they live and no one talks about having a family.All their friends are in their very late 20s and early-mid 30s. No one is married. They all date for many years, but there are no families, no kids."Why is this a problem? You seem concerned that she will be all alone but I wonder how much of this is your own projection. In my case I don't want kids because I don't know anyone who has them that lives a lifestyle that interests me. I know that since you are a parent it is sort of an affront to you that she doesn't want the life you struggled to make for yourself (and her) but that's life. She's still young so there's lots and lots of time and if she never gets the urge to settle down that's not really your problem now is it? Maybe she will live a rich life with friends and a husband. Maybe she will never get married let alone have kids. Let her live her life and stop projecting on her. To be more blunt, lots of us watched your generation and those before and said: "We don't want that." Maybe that's what your daughter is thinking? Who knows? She's too young to know where her path will end up and you don't know either so let it go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2014): To the person who wrote, "Yeah, whatever everybody says, every woman wants eventually a child. And I never met any woman who doesn't regret not having children.That's how we progressed into a modern society, that's how it became so many of us. You can' talk as much about how women want other things in life but not to have any children is a very selfish and egoistic approach."Your answer is painfully ignorant. I am a woman and I do NOT want children. It's not for everyone. How is choosing to not have children selfish and egoistic? Not every woman should have children. If I do not want any, then why would I just pump them out? Because society says I should?This type of thinking is what keeps women down. Men like this. Grow up.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 October 2014):
 No matter the age of our children, we can't stop caring and we can't stop worrying.
I get that you CARE for her and want her to be happy. So I would just support her and watch her thrive with the life she chooses.
This day and age people have a LOT more choices. Women can do and be anything they want. That included not being a mother or having 19 kids.
I have 3 daughters. I hope to GOODNESS that they LIVE life, TRAVEL, EDUCATE themselves before even consider kids. But it will ultimately be their choices and I will support them as best as I can.
You taught her to be a good person and I bet you to GO for what SHE wants, and she is. It's just a different route then the one you took or the one you would want FOR her.
You should be proud that she is enjoying life, that she has a good man by her side. And that is what I would pass onto curious and caring family members who asks.
And it IS OK to worry about her. As long as it doesn't turn into grief over something you have no control over.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 October 2014):
 She may not have a lot of family but she sounds like she has a network of friends so why are you worried about her being alone in the big world? Friends can sometimes be much more trustworthy and reliable than family so I don't think you need to worry about her. She appears to have everything under control.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2014): This is OP. thanks for all of your answers.
I certainly did not expect some of the aggressiveness and hearing that it's none of my business to be involved in my daughter's life. May be I didn't make myself clear when I wrote that we didnt discuss this issue with our daughter? We are not nagging parents, I don't know where this came from.
Well, we all have different points of view, I guess, Thanks anyway.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2014): Yeah, whatever everybody says, every woman wants eventually a child. And I never met any woman who doesn't regret not having children.
That's how we progressed into a modern society, that's how it became so many of us. You can' talk as much about how women want other things in life but not to have any children is a very selfish and egoistic approach.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 October 2014):
I am too for : tell your extended family to back off and mind their own business. ! Her life ,her choices. She is an adult, and if she is happy, and her partner is happy- that's all it counts. There is no ONE right way for everybody to live their life, and there's no ONE way to happiness. Happiness, contentment or fulfillment may, or may not, include having children. I am a parent myself and I surely do not regret being one, but I know lots of people who have kids and are miserable, as well as lots of people who do not have kids and are are quite happy with their life.
As a mother, it's normal that you want your daughter to be happy and to live the best possible life that she can get etc. etc. Only, you forget that one person's paradise is another one's hell. You wish for her a nice life in the 'burbs , in a nice white picket fenced house, in a nice quiet tree lined street and 3 kids and the PTA meetings as main distraction... not trying to be a snob, or to disparage anybody's tastes and choices, which are all legitimate. Just stressing how your idea of domestic bliss, and of a life well spent, may not be at all your daughter's idea of bliss !
Another important point is, your reasoning would be sound if most of us were still living in a rural, patriarchal, low-mobility society , where everybody STAYS were they grow up, within close distance from their parents and family. But it's not like that anymore since a few decades already. YOU should know, OP, since YOUR family is scattered too, and your daughter flew the nest for the big bad city.
You seem to forget that you make kids, and then kids don't stay kids- they grow up and LEAVE. Nowadays people in part WANT, in part HAS TO follow opportunities, jobs, careers.
I have family too, in the " blood " sense that you mention, OP. My sister lives is Switzerland. Her daughter is going to study in London and hopes she can stay there once she is done. My son is not too fond of Italy plus the perspectives here aren't great, he'll probably end up back in the States, or maybe in Canada or ?.... My younger cousins, one is a photographer in NYC, another a filmaker in Berlin. The list could go on, but you got the concept.
You may say that if I had not limited my efforts to one only child, I would have more have had more chances to secure for myself the closeness , vicinity and companionship of my offspring. I don't know ,OP... there's a friend of mine who's got 3 kids: one in Chicago, another in Singapore and the third in Canada...
How many kids should one have to be statistically certain to live next door to them in the course of time :)?
Five kids, six, more ?....
Oh : important detail. We are not talking about
" economic " emigrants here , or at least that's not the main oe only reason . It's not like the Irish potato famine, when people would have LOVED to stay home, but they had to go. I am talking of people who go somewhere else to follow their inclinations and predilections, to be the best they can be, to live the life that they feel as more
" theirs ", the one they know or think will better suited to their essence and nature. In short : the pursuit of happiness :). As an American citizen you should be big on that, and you should appreciate that maybe for your daughter the closest thing to happiness is to be 30something and childless in Manhattan or L.A. ( or werever she is now ).
She has got time to change her mind, of course- but I do hope for her that , if she does, is for some better reason than " not to be all alone in this big world without a family ". That ,pardon me , but sounds to me like kind of a weak ,selfish and neurotic reason to have a child. ( (regardless of the fact that childess is not synonimous of
" alone in the world "- then, what spouses / partners / FRIENDS are for ?... ). I do hope, that, if and when she decides to make a child, she has a better motivation than that- uhm... maybe like, she has got lots of love to GIVE to a new life- whether this new life in time will reward her with geographical proximity, help, assistance, and Sunday family dinners, or not .
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A
female
reader, missy_25 +, writes (15 October 2014):
They can always adopt when the time is right. Let them live their life but there's nothing wrong with asking her about it. Sometimes life just passes by without you even thinking and maybe if no one has brought it up (which is great bec. I hate the pressure of people asking me when will I have kids, I'm getting old), then ask your daughter. Pick a good day. Go shopping or massage or take her to a salon and over some tea, ask her how she is. Is she happy with her life? What her plans are for the future? And just listen. Then if you're still wondering, just ask. DON'T nag. You will cause her to close up on you. Some people choose a childless lifestyle bec. What matters to them is their partner. Others want kids. I personally don't want kids but if I was with a guy I can see myself having kids with, MAYBE ill reconsider.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 October 2014):
 Anon female, if you're going to start picking fights with me on my advice, at least get a nickname and be identified, or else keep your advice to the question of the OP instead of picking on mine. But since I already started getting back to you: parents do not have the "right" to invade the privacy of their children. Just because you are a parent does not mean your children aren't individuals with rights to personal space or personal choices.
Adults are adults. Parents do not have any legal rights to decide over their lives. Een if the daughter was involved with drugs, the parent does not get to have a say in it. The parent is actually not even told about it if the adult child is put in hospital, unless the offspring itself chooses to tell them (protected by confidentiality). By law in most countries, this is how it works. Im surprised you didn't know. No person has any rights over another. That would be called slavery, and that's not the situation at hand. Nor is the daughter involved with drugs, for all we know, and nor would we have the right to know.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (15 October 2014):
 Ok mom...I get that you would like to hear the pitter patter of little feet, but the truth is..it isn't your choice to make. As other aunts have stated, maybe they have already went through things and they can't have children or they just dont want them?? Who knows? They dont have to tell you anything. I know its hard but you have to respect them and their privacy. Badgering them about it won't help at all. I understand where you are coming from..believe me. I have a 32 year old daughter, she was married 13 years..no children. They kept putting it off, then got divorced. Now she's seeing a man who has 3 children from a previous marriage, and had a vasectomy. They are very serious. I dont think she'll ever have children. My son is 27 and doesnt even want to get married..let alone have kids! What can I do?? Accept it and wish for my children to be happy. I suggest you do the same. Who knows? They might surprise you someday???
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2014): I think it's very natural for your extended family to ask you questions about your daughter. I am sure they love you and her, and they want the best for her. You did mentioned that you never talk to your daughter about this, why? You as her mother have all the rights to ask her about her plans for the future and about her having a family. Though it is her life, and you can't demand from her having a family but you deffinitely have the right as her her mother who raised her have these conversations with her. Chigirl, it is VERY unusuall for a daughter not to tell her mother that she is expecting a baby. Concerning about your own child never should be called spying or not minding someone own business. This is what family for: to stand behind each other and to support each other. Though our children have their own lives , we as parents have a right to be involved and at least be told about important events like pregnancies. We also have the right to be concerned about our children choices. In this case OP's daughter is a fine young lady, but what if she chooses lets an "alternative " way of living, did drugs or was a thief,in this case also OP has no right of saying anything and needs to mind her own business?But going back to OP. I am myself is a mother of 2 grown daughters. One is in her late 30s and it looks like this is what it's going to be, she will not have any children. Only 5 years ago she sounded very sure that she doesn't mind not having kids, now it's a different story. She is not willing to have a child without a husband, but she says if she met someone she would deffinitely have a family. My youngest is in her early 30s, and also has a long time boyfriend, but no plans for kids. You are right, this generation lives for themselves only. I hope in 10 years they don't regret about the choices they made. Friends are friends but to have your own family is very different.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (15 October 2014):
You know, it's not really your place to worry about this for her. That's up to her, her life and how she chooses to live her life, after all. There is nothing wrong with what she does, and if having a family isn't that important to her, at least not right now, then you have to respect that. This is her life, not yours!
As for family bugging you and asking you questions about her, just be honest with them that you do not know if she plans a family or not, and that it is up to her, not you, to decide. Hopefully they will not bother you with prying questions. I would also suggest you give them her phone number, so that if they are so concerned about her/curious about her life, they can call her themselves! Your job isn't to report and spy on your daughter just so you can answer questions from other family members...
Not all people (in fact very few) discuss their family plans with other people than their spouse/partner. This means, she could be pregnant now for all you know, yet she doesn't want to tell you yet. It could also mean, maybe she has tried for children, but is infertile. It is up to her what she wants to share or not. But my point is, you don't know what she is thinking, so you shouldn't speculate in it either.
What exactly are you worried about? Because it sounds to me, you are thinking she is making the wrong decisions and don't like her lifestyle, more so than you are genuinely concerned for her well being. Sounds to me like she is doing well, it's just a different kind of life than what you chose for yourself. But that doesn't mean it is in any way worse. Let her live her own life, and bluntly put: mind your own business... Not to be rude, but this is exactly what you need to do. You need to take a step back and not "worry" about her, because she's fine.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (15 October 2014):
 I wouldn't be surprised if this generation ends up making quite different choices than we did. Of my three kids, two are very sure they'll never have children of their own. And that they'll never marry. Neither of the girls is anywhere near where the biological clock is ticking loudly yet, so they could change their minds (like Honeypie I didn't want kids until the first one showed up when I was 30).
I completely understand that you don't want her to be left alone without close family -- the older I get, the more grateful I am for my siblings. But you also have to admit that, on its own, is a pretty poor reason to have children.
If she changes her mind it will be a joyous thing. Either way pressure from you won't help.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 October 2014):
As hard as it may be, this is HER life and HER choices. I don't blame them for not wanting to give up the life they have have. If it makes them happy and content, why change it?
Yes, biologically the next logical step would be children, but maybe not for them.
As for the family that asks about her plans, I'd tell them - her life her plans, she hasn't included you.
No one should have children, JUST to have children and because it is expected.
She is 28. So OLD enough to figure out what she wants and doesn't want for herself.
Personally, I didn't WANT kids till I met my husband (I met him when I was 27) We had our first child a week before I turned 31.
I do think if I had not met and married him, I might be living a little like your daughter - travelling, spending time with family and friends and I would have been content.
Respect her life choices.
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