A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm married. He's got a girlfriend. We both know that we were in this relationship because it "seemed" like the right partners to be with but were both lacking the happiness/love in it. Before I met him, I had already planned to divorce my husband for several other issues BUT this guy told me not to be hasty. Our friendship evolved to attraction and just have this great emotional/intellectual connection. Before it got worse, I told him how I felt and he also said he feels the same way and we both know we need to stop. In the end though, we decided to focus on our careers (I was leaving the company for better opportunities and to give distance) and meet in a year to decide if I still want a divorce and if I still have feelings for him. During that period we were going to act as friends, hangout and talk on the phone but not as familiar because I admitted to him, I'm really drawn to him. What bothered me is on my last day, every co-worker found time to say goodbye to me EXCEPT him. We were all going out to hang after work but he didn't go, I thought he was going. I called to ask where he was. He never called me back and never said goodbye or good luck. (I didn't expect anything more than just that.)After two weeks since leaving the company, I called him hoping he'd pick up but he didn't so I just left a message to ask how he's doing etc. Of course, I missed him but I know I'm not expecting more than just friendship. I just don't like feeling like we ended on bad terms. That's all.I have to stop by my old company soon and I'm wondering if I should clear up what's happened or should I not bring it up at all? I've already decided to say hello to my old bosses/co-workers so I'm bound to see him unless he happens not to be there. What hurts is we had planned to live separate lives for a year and talk about this after but it feels like he's made up his mind but hasn't told me anything. I have to admit I want to be with him more than my husband but I know I shouldn't take marriage lightly, which is why I haven't left. I need understanding people who's sympathetic but is willing to shed light on my dilemma. Please don't judge me. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are strong. I am trying to be. As I've said, I had to see him again to say hello to my past employer in case I want to go back working there again. But I won't because I remember the reasons why I left to begin with.
In any case, I talked to him and he pretty much said that he's been acting that way towards me so I can get used to having him out of the picture and he doesn't want to be a home wrecker. He claims to want friendship but I don't think i can be a friend to him right now because I feel it in my bones that I have fallen in love with him. I haven't admitted that to him, obviously.
I think it is reasonable to stay with my husband for another year and hopefully he will relent to my leaving him then. But I am afraid that I am stuck in this marriage. And it is not a bad marriage, just not a happy one for me. But I will have honored my Catholic vows if I did and my faith is a BIG part of my life.
I don't want kids with my husband. I know that. I am focusing on my work and resolving issues with my husband. I am seeing a counselor. I will see the other guy, maybe, this Saturday because of an event but that will be my last. What else can I do?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2014): Hello,I was the one who responded earlier.I think this man already knows how you feel about him and to repeatedly tell him will not validate your feelings anymore than you have already stated to him. I think that you need to repeat your feelings because it helps YOU to feel more secure. You are afraid of losing him while being in limbo. It is the hardest thing you can do, I know. But you really have to wait or else you risk not only losing your husband but also the potential of maybe being with this other man one day down the road when the time and circumstances are right. You also feel sorry for your husband and you say he needs you. To stay with him is showing unconditional love (regardless of whether or not you have romantic feelings for him or not). Is that not the ultimate test of love? to stand by someone's side even though YOU may not feel in love? I say this because I am in the same situation. I love my husband dearly. He is a friend, a life partner, the father of my children, but life with him is not easy. He struggles with anxiety and light substance abuse. he is also very temperamental. All these things have made me seriously take notice of another man I wish I could be with. This other man is not available but I know his wife, and she is a smacking copy of my husband. She's controlling, anxious, mean, bitter, you name it. For the first time in my life , I met this man who makes me feel like the happiest I have ever been (as a friend). We are not involved. His wife even tells me that I should have married him as we are exactly alike. She is not too happy with him either. But you see, for the sake of children and marital formalities, we stick to what is 'right' and avoid the 'wrong'. If you didn't feel guilty about how you are leading your life, you wouldn't be posting anything here. I know it's hard to hear, but it's the truth.You also don't want to hear this, but you need to either try to work things out with your husband, or in a year from now leave him on good terms and promise him you will be there for him no matter what as a friend and confidante. What do you suggest I do for instance? I actually physically removed myself from the neighborhood where I met this other man to avoid seeing him all the time. I moved as far as I could (10 hours away). But physical distance didn't make it go away. If anything, when I call my friend (his wife), he answers sometimes, and it's hard because I feel there is something unspoken and neither of us can say anything to each other about how we feel. The most he's ever said to his wife is that he had a date with me because he invited me to fly in for a business convention he was attending. She was the one who told me he had said that! She actually teasingly told him that was great because him and I have so much in common. I mean, why would he tell her this? Are you able to make sense of that? I am not sure what this means!To get back to what I was saying, please refrain from contact. Try to fill the void in your life with something else. Boredom is a killer. It's normal to think about him, but you really do not validate your feelings to him anymore as that would be overkill and you risk losing him for good. Let time be a deciding factor. I have done the same. If it's meant to be it will be, and things will make sense down the road (whether it includes him or not).
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm just worried about any misunderstanding because if there's one thing this distance has made me realize is that I don't want to lose him and I'm afraid I already have. However, like you said, it's all about timing. If we were meant to be, we will be.I feel I need to make this marriage work because my husband needs me and he's already accepted that I don't love him, he just wants me to stay with him regardless. I'm so confused what to do but I'm inclined to just stay and give up this feelings I have for this guy bec. it's the right thing to do and if God is kind, maybe in another lifetime, we will actually be together. I will try to focus on my career but this pain is killing me. I thought that with distance it will tell me that it was just some infatuation that I could just dismiss like the ones before I got married.I will try and do as you say but can't I tell him that I think of him a lot? Or just ask him if he's already made a decision about his feelings for me and thus explains his behavior? I know you told me to be patient but I've been through this before and because I waited to clear things up, it just got worse because of a misunderstanding and THAT was a very painful heartbreak from my past. It took me years to get over him.I DON'T want to go through it again. I can accept the painful truth. I just don't want him to think that I don't care about him bec. I am spending more time with my husband leading to the days of my leaving the company. It was bec. I was keeping my promise to him to make this work w/ my husband, but to be honest I'd rather it was him I was with. I'm miserable but I'm trying to put up a strong front. Please tell me what to do. Thank you for sparing me your thoughts and time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2014): I think he didn't say goodbye because A) It would be hard, and B) It would be a reminder to him that you may potentially leave your husband for him, and that is a scary point even though you both rationalized everything and agreed to meet in a year.I think that since you both decided to cool things a little for a year you should stay away and keep your end of the deal (regardless how much you miss him). You need to either focus on your marriage or end it, and THEN contact him.Trust me, I know how it feels to have a connection with someone when neither of you is emotionally available to the other. It's almost sickening and when you don't see him or talk to him, it makes you wonder if the whole thing was real to begin with. You see the TIMING is wrong. You are not doing anyone a favour by contacting him until you are officially divorced. And you should not divorce for this other guy. You should divorce because it is not working out with your husband. And that seems to be the case as you stated there are other reasons. But please, do yourself a favor and stay away until the dust settles. You will also appear stronger and less needy.
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