A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend of 9 months has slept with lots of partners and i am finding it hard getting over it.I am 20 and she is 18. She has slept with 9 people before me. Her first was when she was 14, she's slept with someone who was 21 when she was 15, and apparently thought that if she didn't have sex with boys she thought they wouldn't like her.It makes me feel bad that she has been so stupid in the past. She got a boyfriend when she was 16 until she was 18 when i got with her. So in the 2 years she's only been with 2 people.I think about it every day, what she used to be like. I remember in school she was exactly the sort of person I'd steer clear of.She is different now, but I am too shallow to overcome it and I don't know why because I'm trying. My relationship would be perfect apart from this issue.I don't know what is normal for a sexual past of someone this age. Personally, I had my first at around 15, then after that got in a relationship for 3 years so spent a while out of the game so i've not slept with many girls.Help me get over this?!
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male
reader, Mr. Smith  +, writes (3 August 2010):
My friend you have done nothing wrong. I do suggest get away from this relationship and start a "fresh" one with someone that is similar to your values. Contrary to what some people say... it is her past and HER's only, you do not have to deal with it or change your way of thinking. Believe me, if your relationship turns into something serious like marriage and having children... how do you imagine someone like your girlfriend that has slept around can give you children a positive role model on living in a morally correct way????
Remember relationships are to meant to be with someone that loves you and not with someone that is just looking to redeem her past or to get a "clean slate"...
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010):
My advice: Don't take advice from people who admit they don't even understand or feel the problem themselves.
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A
male
reader, JohnisBlind +, writes (2 August 2010):
I don't understand. What are you jealous of? Do you feel that her past experiences continue to have meaning for her that over shadows her own desire for you? I read all the answers that people gave you and not one seems to provide a very good reason for your inability to get over this. I guess I can understand how you might be worried that she might cheat on you or that she had great sex that you can't provide her which I can understand would make you fell insecure, but to say that you aren't comfortable with this without any particular justification doesn't provide me with a lot that I can work with to help you learn to get over this. I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that their is a good reason you don't like this but you are unable to articulate that. Traditionally psychologists will look at problems people have as displacements for other issues in their lives. In other words it might be possible that this insecurity is related to your own personal feeling of rejection and undesirability. Or this relationship may not be the best relationship for you and your doubts reflect an underlying belief that their is something wrong with the relationship you are in.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (2 August 2010):
Ive been in your shoes before mate. As others have said here, its a very real byproduct of being a man. For some reason, it hit me harder than most (at least I think so.) I found the best medicine for me was to move on to someone I could be with and didnt have to work on myself, if you know what I mean.
FWIW, I think 9 is a lot by 30. By 18, well, make up your own mind.....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2010): You aren't suffering for shallowness, you are suffering from normalness. This bothers you just like a pretty woman attracts you.
Settling down with a girl who used to get around a lot was very risky business until the last couple of generations. Your mind is programmed to be VERY upset about the idea of doing that. In primitive times we couldn't treat STDs at all, we could not answer paternity questions, her ex-BFs would all still be living very near you for the rest of your lives, etc.
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A
female
reader, jaime90  +, writes (2 August 2010):
 My boyfriend was the same as you are now.. He thought about my past every day and blamed me for it. I could acknowledge i had done stupid things in my past but there was a reason for it and i had grown from it.
The most important thing you say is you know she is different now. It's a big positive that you recognize that.. My boyfriend still after 3 years keeps telling me he thinks i am the same (as i was 5 years ago) when i know how much i have grown and matured and he can't stop resenting me for it now. Every time i walk out the door he thinks I'm off to find another boyfriend because he over analyzed everything.
All i can say is the fact that your accepting this is your problem and looking for help is such a big step forward and you should be proud you have done that. I don't know what it feels like to have these thoughts, all i know is the pain from the other side. Your girlfriend can't fix this.. I tried for years. I read every thread on here about it and tried to help my boyfriend with it and i came to the conclusion the only person who can fix it is him. So the fact that you have decided to do that is a step to the right direction.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (2 August 2010):
 Not intending to be negative, but the answer 'the past is the past' is not going to help.
You are suffering from something called reciprocal jealousy, that can be incredibly unpleasant and difficult to deal with. We see it come up here very frequently, you are not the only one!
Getting over this is not easy, but it is possible with dedication.
Here are some links on the site about it that are hopefully helpful:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retrograde-jealousy.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-cope-with-my-husbands-reaction.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-anonymous-flings-and-oral-sex-differ.html
A warning: you see two common types of answers that I would caution you to not take on board too much. They are:
- 'get over it' types of answer that basically tell you that you are being weak, and that your problem is not really a problem. Unfortunately your problem can really be a serious problem, so belittling it in this way is missing the severity
- Negative answers criticizing women as 'sluts' etc, that tell you to dump her and find someone 'pure'. This is not only sexist, but impractical and not a cure but rather a way of reinforcing your own negative behaviour.
However, in amongst those two types of answer you'll find many other helpful responses.
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A
female
reader, wee_neko +, writes (2 August 2010):
Perhaps what you should do is figure out why exactly this number of hers bothers you so much. Not to sound insulting, but is it because its significantly more than yours? Do you feel that maybe your pride is hurt that she has been with more than you?
Or do you think that people just shouldn't sleep with so many people?
Or are you worried that she's insecure? Just because she was in relationships for the past two years doesn't mean that regular sex wasn't a balm for insecurity fyi.
Once you figure out exactly what it is that bothers you about her past, you should try to get past that. It may help to talk to her, but I don't recommend it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2010): It reallt doesn't matter if it was 9 guys or 90 guys. It's the past. Stop thinking about her past and think about your future. You said yourself the reason she had sex with them. Your obviously hurt by her past but it really has nothing to do with you. Your putting way to much emphasis on her past sex life. Think of it this way, if she hadn't made those mistakes she wouldn't know what a great caring guy you are. If you dump her and move on don't you think the next woman will have a past too?
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A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (2 August 2010):
 The good answer: Her past is her past. Whatever mistakes she made in her past were learning experiences and made her who she is now. You like who she is, but this girl is only the girl you know because of her whole history, mistakes included. And as long as she's not cheating on you, and given that you already said she's changed, you should just try to love who she IS, ignoring who she WAS.
The sad answer: It will depend on you. She's being honest with you, has grown out of a very insecure and painful past, and is trusting you with her heart. If you can love her for who she is, great. But if not, you need to let her know, let her go, before you wound her for something she cannot change.
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A
male
reader, rivi +, writes (2 August 2010):
Well first 9 ppl in 4 years is approx 1 every 6 months : is that all that many ? It's not as if it was 1 a month or every two months.
If it was you or some other boy you'd just say he got lucky ! Or even that 2 a year is a smallish number!
2nd you say yourself she changed behaviour as long as two years ago - so she seems to have become more discriminating and grown up at that point - and as part of the new , discriminating girl she is she has favored you with her attentions. And you say it could be a 'perfect relationship'. Lucky you. What is it you DO like about her btw ?
I get a bit of an impression that secretly [ the idea of 'perfection' ] you would like to put her on some kind of pedestal as the perfect being or woman only her not being a virgin stops you.
It's not just the thought that 8 or 9 boys have been with her before you _ I think really you would only really be satisfied if you were the first. But there aren't that many virgins around so you can forget that fantasy. Anyway sexual intercourse is a natural activity : why should people not enjoy it ? Why is being a 'virgin' a good thing ? |It's not natural is it, after childhood .
What you are doing is setting up a self destructive mechanism by thinking this way : you are allowing these thoughts to poison what could be 'perfect' [ lets agree on 'excellent' ] Reflect on why you might be acting self-destructively : ' Each man kills the thing he loves ' - Oscar Wilde Ballad of Reading Gaol.
And then stop so acting. Be grateful 'for all the good things [you] have ' [ Bob Marley : No Woman no Cry.]
Do you really want to destroy this relationship before it gets going ?
By your account she has matured quite some time ago - now you need to do the same or you will force her away from yourself by eating yourself up with this nonsense.
Men are supposed to bring LOGIC to the party : if she is potentially the 'perfect' girl for you then her childhood past of 2 and more years ago is irrelevant [ tho' an std checkup for both of you would be a sensible, logical, thing to do before you stop using condoms (if you intend to ) Along the way one or both of you could have gotten chlamydia at least as it's quite common.].
So as the MAN put past irrelevancies to one side and enjoy a great relationship with your new gf.
Of course one other possibility here is that deep down you feel you should yourself get more experience 'playing the field' before settling down - but that's a whole other issue - but if it's what's gnawing at you be a logical, adult, male and acknowledge it : don't transfer it to your gf.
Good luck. Peace.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2010): The past is in the past.
If she thought that if she didn't have sex she would therefore be unattractive just associates with the fact that she is a insecure and wanting to be accepted. This is a common feeling for teenage girls.
This was her life before she met you and now that she is different and not doing what she use to do then great.
Ask yourself why does this exactly bother you?
You've been with your girlfriend for 9 months. You're both having sex together because you two love eachother. I'm sure in your girlfriend's eyes this is what makes this relationship special in comparison to her history.
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (2 August 2010):
 If you realise yourself that it is shallow (and those are your words), then surely it's possible for you to try and lock it out of your mind. Try to look at what you share right now and if that is worth keeping, let the past go.
It's only a step. A big step, sure, but just a step nonetheless.
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