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female
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*iwichick
writes: Can anyone help me? I am a 27 year old female - virgin. Not by any religous choice but purely because the fact of letting someone that close to me terrifies me (I feel sick, start shaking - like real fear!). On the outside I am fairly outgoing, not prudish, not totally unattractive and have lots of guy friends but whenever any guy starts to get close to me I think of any reason I can to push them away - even the ones I genuinely like. My only real relationship was years ago and the furthest it got was kissing. My friends are now all in relationships - most are married and cannot understand why I cannot(or don't) meet anyone. I keep thinking "if I was prettier, or skinnier, or funnier or had a better personality" but I think it comes down to the fear that if anyone does get close to me, they will be close enough to see my flaws. And the more time goes on, the worse it gets as I am so embarrased that I am still a virgin that I don't want any guy to find that out! Has anyone experienced similiar things - I could really do with any advice about how to get over this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008): First off. Dont worry about that virgin thing..thats out of date. Also, everyone has flaws, you have created a safe place in your mind, allow, only good friends in there. you dont have to have a relationship with a man, if you dont want too, being friends with one is good. so stop pressuring yourself by worrying about it. I have lived on my own for 14 years, my partner died in 1994. And i have only male mates. Enjoy what you have..goodluck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2008): Hey, my names Natalie. Believe it or not, i know exactly how you feel. I've always been afraid to let people get close to me and i push people away all the time because of this. I used to have very low self esteem and actually let myself get to the point where i was so unhappy i didnt want to be around anymore. I never believed in myself or believed other people when they said how amazing i was. On reflection, i think now its very sad. My wake-up call/cure to my low self image was my current boyfriend. He's taught me to completely lower my barriers, yes i have got hurt, but i've been happier in the past 5 months we've been together then i ever was when i wasnt getting hurt.
If you always keep your guard up, then people wont see to a full extent what a wonderful person you are and someday, you will meet a guy who will completely sweep you off your feet and make you feel like theres nothing you can keep away from him. Just let yourself open up, and the rest will follow. Yes, you might get hurt, and yes, you might have regrets. But to me, it sounds like your hurting at the moment, and that you are regretting to. So really... what do you have to lose? :)
I'm sure you are a gorgeous girl, and i'm sure that you have a queue of guys waiting for you to let them get close to you. Never be ashamed if a relationship doesnt go past kissing. Some relationships work, and others don't. And as for your friends, so what if they are getting married, its your life - live it for you! While their at home getting sicked up on by the baby - you'll be out having a laugh :) I've come to learn that no matter how much you envy someone, chances are, somewhere else, someone is envying you even more. So chin up, and go get those men! Who knows what could happen!
I wish you all the luck in the future, and i hope you keep us all posted on your progress
Lots of love
Natalie
xxxx
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A
reader, wwww.datinghaven.com +, writes (19 September 2005):
YOU DONT HAVE FLAWS! YOU HAVE CLAWS!
Im sure ure one of the BEST, however, no1 is PERFECT, every1 has FAULTS and PROBLEMS, alot of people FRONT and HIDE these perfectly from people while others are HONEST and SHARE them with others.
PEOPLE CAN ONLY SEE ONE OF YOUR FLAWS....
and thats the FACT YOU PUSH GUYS AWAY!
I have a 6th Sense rite? No i cant see ghosts but i can sense the personalitys of people by their text, and youre actually fab! I'm bit sad that youre far from me cos im single 2 n if we was close 2gether i would like to meet up with you after we got to know each other via a messenger program, not that you would want to...
It seems the reason why you worry about these things is because you CARE for the person and YOU THINK that YOU aint GOOD enough, which is total RUBBISH!!
Furthest was KISSING? Whats the problem? Many females believe they can tell how good a guy is by their first kiss...as a bloke i hate that idea, however, it backs up my following point...a KISS might just seem STUPID but a KISS is SPECIAL, I would rather KISS you then JUMP in BED with a girl i dont love, as it means alot more, TWO HEARTS TOUCH when you KISS, NOT when you have SEX.
Your biggest fear probably is becoming a 40-year old virgin? You are 27 (though you look 5 years younger) and i think you deserve a medal for that, to you it may seem that its fate but many girls these days lose theirs at 13 or 15, about 3 in 4 people regret losing their virginity, you are very mature and i think you make a good role model (or super model, take your pick lol),dont stab yourself looking at the past, the time wasnt right then, perhaps even if you liked the guy that guy might have only been after you for sex and your "I am still a virgin that I don't want any guy to find that out!" instinct pushed him a way because you didnt want him finding out? This is more likely then you think.
No one has to find out that you are a virgin, but you need to strengthen your confidence and get rid of these demons, many people can tell if you are a virgin around the way you act around members of the opposite sex and how confident you are, i guess many guys are picking up on this, at your age i doubt they think you are a virgin but they think youre a safe bet as you havnt been shagging everyone like many these days that lose their virginity early. Guys have issues too, most want to be the best shag youve had, if they sense that you dont flirt with all the guys and not too confident they see this as a better possibility then fucking the local slut whos very easy to get at and has had everyone.
You NEED to RE-PROGRAM!!
FIND a GUY you LIKE; KISSING is SPECIAL; SAY "NO" to SEX; RELATIONSHIPS are made from TWO people who LOVE each other;
SEX isnt on the MENU; YOU want a GUY who LOVES YOU and not just want SEX;
Once you mastered the above then you shouldnt have a problem. I know so far the above wont lose your virginity, but worrying about it makes it worse... forgetting about it makes it alrite.
Those have SEX the relationship is LUST not LOVE!
THEN when you meet a GUY you like and are together for a while, date regulary, then one day invite him over to YOUR place and get DRUNK; YOU do the DRINKS; Dont drink WINE; DRINK a drink that you can vary the content of alcohol without it being OBVIOUS; GIVE him TWICE as much VODKA or whatever in the DRINK as YOU; GET CLOSE (kissing and snogging on sofa? this up to you, dont want to state as its hard working to a script where both people can interact their own ways); HAVE SEX!!!!! Forget bout the pressures then you wont have any more problems.
If your hymen still existant (unliekly) atm i would recommend you to break it so the guy is unaware, many girls stay sensitive to sex even hundreds of times after, so dont worry about the way you would react to SEX. In fact its a target for guys to make a women orgasm so if u r easy 2 climax the better for them and also the more gentler they would be.
Take Care,
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A
female
reader, susu  +, writes (11 September 2005):
hey, when i was 12 i used to know this man called gary and he used to work on this fruit and veg stand and i used to help him voluntary. in the winter i would moan that it was cold and i wanted to go home. do you know what he would say to me he would say "shut up, say that your warm and say it like you believe it , believe it and you will feel warm" it used to work you know. it could have been the imagination of a 12 year old but i doubt it. i think your problem is that you keep on degrading yourself, what flaws for heaven sake. are you fat? then he will have something to grab on to not so goodlooking? so what im sure not all the guys you meet are exactly brad pitt.....or are they? sex can be scary thats why it has to be emotional not just physical try getting close to someones insides first dont think about sex and if that someone pressures you its not worth it. everyone has something special that no one else does search for that something in you and girl chin up for heaven sake
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2005): Hi,
just so you don't feel you're the only one; I am also 27 (almost 28) and am still a virgin. Not because there's no interest, but as you do I tend to push people away if they show interest. Obviously I can't really offer any advice on strategies that work (yet), but I've started dating through an internet dating site and just constantly remind myself that my boyfriend chooses to go out with me. When i'm contemplating the physical side i try to focus on my good points and know that if he eventually finds me lacking we will never have to see each other again as we don't have friends in common. I am taking it very, very slowly so if it does happen i will feel comfortable and will be able to tell him i'm still a virgin. good luck
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A
male
reader, feelingood +, writes (8 September 2005):
Beauty comes from imperfections, because if we were all 'perfect' then we would all be the same. The truth is, you are 27 years old, and I say just jump into bed with someone who does genuinely like you and that you like too and get naked with him, in the dark. Yep, it's pretty up front i know, but, you definately need to break the ice with a guy and get used to not being perfect. Why on earth you are so keen on people pleasing God knows. You sound like a beautiful person but just let yourself go. Ever been on a rollercoaster? You know the feeling before you go on it? You're shaky, scared, you don't want to. And after you've been on once? You can't wait to go again! Good luck with your relationships and hope you get the great guy you deserve.
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A
female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (21 August 2005):
 First of all there is nothing wrong with being a virgin. Heck I wish I was still one. We all have flaws...so what? you think the guys that hit on you are the Pope or something. They may have more flaws than you. You need I think to work on that self esteem of yours and break out a bit. I am sure you are a beautiful person..cmon believe it.
These guys would not like you if you weren't. Comparing yourself to your friends is not a good thing to do cause everyone is different. About the virgin thing...that is a plus for a guy to have a virgin in his life...just be careful when you decided to do something.To them it means that you have not slept around at all...be careful and take care..ana
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A
reader, HappyTimeHarry +, writes (20 August 2005):
To add on to what Irish says, I'm thinking the way you described your anxiety as genuinely feeling like fear might point to a chemical imbalance. MIGHT. I know a lot of people get sick in the stomach and shake when they're afraid, so I don't honestly know and am not trying to offend. I say you should do as Irish says, building your self esteem and cutting loose, but you could also see a doctor and see if he thinks you would benefit from some anti anxiety meds. My brother had some serious issues (he couldn't even sleep thinking about his social encounters of the day) but with some medication and therapy he overcame his social anxiety, so this might help you also.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2005): I just bet my bottom dollar you are a lovely girl inside and out so and you could be in a wonderful relationship..give yourself permission to just let loose, have fun, smile and put your harsh, inner critic to rest once and for all. It sounds like you have low self-esteem and it's ruling your life. You have to get it in check. Feeling good about yourself is important as it gives you a sense of control over your life, helps you feel satisfied in relationships & allows you to set realistic expectations for yourself. Feeling badly about yourself, on the other hand, contributes to a distorted view of yourself, a lack of self-confidence thus the fears of relationships.
It seems to me you have identified your strengths and weaknesses. Now all you have to do is learn to accept them. Remember everyone has flaws..everyone has strengths. People with a healthy self-esteem, don't allow the flaws and weaknesses to over-ride your strengths and good traits. Take a deep look inside yourself and list all the wonderful strengths you have and keep telling yourself everyday the your flaws are not going to rule your life.
(again, we all have flaws..tis the human way) Replace negative self-talk with positive statements and you'll be on your way to believing in yourself.
If you still have trouble accepting your inner beauty and strengths to build up your self-esteem...go and seek a counselor's help. Your feelings could be related to things that happened yo you as a child. Were anyone in your family harsh and critical to you, growing up? If they were-that was wrong. It gave you the message that you may not be "good enough" for anyone. Please seek some good counselling and learn to love yourself. You are worth it, and start believing in yourself! Take care and best of luck.
Irish
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