A
female
age
41-50,
*helseablues77
writes:I have been seeing a man for nearly 1 year, I do not have romantic feelings for him and neither does he for me, he is special to me and I class him as a friend more than anything, we purely have each other for sexual satisfaction. I am however considering taking out the contraceptive implant that I have and not telling him as time is ticking by and I would like to have a child. I would be quite happy raising the child alone as I have a fantastic family and network of friends. He has already told me that if I were to become pregnant he would leave, that is not an issue for me, although I feel it is selfish were a child involved. Another issue is that he already has a family, who he lives with and I assume, loves. I in no way want him to leave them and be with me, I could never trust him, but my maternal clock is ticking loudly and the maternal feelings I am getting are consuming my life. I'm not sure what I should do, as he is the only sexual partner I have and I don't want to find anyone else when I have him right there. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2007): What you state you are thinking of doing is beyond disgusting. I am a woman, but if I were a man and a woman tried to trap me into fatherhood, I would do whatever it took to make certain it didnt happen, including slipping something like pennyroyal into her drink if necessary. Anyone who would selfishly create an unwanted human as you consider doing would deserve no respect or concern for your welfare. He wont 'love it once it is here' and you will end up hated if you do something so terrible to the man. No one deserves that,it is sick!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2007): Don't do that to your child. I grew up w/o a dad & it totally fu*ked me up. Meet a guy you actually want to be with & he you. Or get a sperm donor. At least then the kid won't know dad didn't want her/him.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (11 September 2007):
 That is wrong period, there is no other way to look at it. There are certain things that are wrong on their face, and this is one of them. YOU DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO MESS WITH ANYONE'S LIFE, OR KNOWINGLY CAUSE THEM HARM THAT AFFECT THEIR LIFE. You need some serious psychological help. If you went through with this, I'd say you need a serious living treatment center (psych. ward). If you played these games here, you wouldn't have to worry about getting treatment, you'd have to worry about being prosecuted and sentenced to a 8' by 6' jail cell. It's a crime to deceive in the way you are thinking. STOP THINKING OF YOURSELF, AND CONSIDER HOW YOUR DECISIONS AFFECT THE LIVES OF OTHERS BEFORE MAKING THEM.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2007): You say you class him as a friend but if you do trick him into getting you pregnant then you will lose him as a friend.
Think about what you are doing to his family, think about the damage you have already done by having sex with a married man. Where are your morals?
What you're doing is very selfish and you would be foolish to bring a child into the world this way.
...............................
A
female
reader, vickie +, writes (5 September 2007):
please hun wait till you find the right man think carfully about what you want to do hear i have 3 kids myself and it not easy when you got no one to help with care and finacal please wait till right man comes along
...............................
A
female
reader, stawberry01 +, writes (4 September 2007):
 hi What you can doing isnt always the best way to go you may want a child and you may have the suport but the child would be growning up with out a father how do you know if you got out back into dating you wouldn't find the man of your dreams and have a family with a mother and father.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2007): One question --How would you feel if you partner secretly had his vasectomy reversed to get you pregnant and have his child for him?The physical aspects of being pregnant and giving birth are different, yeah, but it's not so different in the long-term and emotional sense.
...............................
A
female
reader, lisarocksyoursocksoff +, writes (2 September 2007):
 you know that by doing this you would be doing something very immoral otherwise you wouldn't be askingyou would be tricking someone who you call your 'friend' into something that would chaneg his life without him being even aware of it.maybe you could talk to him about this, if feel your 'clock is ticking' there are other options than trickery.if the situation could be reversed how would you feel?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2007): Hi there
I was amazed that you could consider this. You have been told that he is not interested in fathering a child with you. What more do you need him to say, and then you consider in the event a child was conceived his attitute would be selfish! Interesting too that you have considered making a child with a man who is someone elses?
It would sound like you would need that extended network of support because your choices and thought processess are going to need all the help they can get!
I think there is only one person here that is selfish or foolish, whichever you choose. If your clock is ticking, go to a sperm bank, but don't use people for your own personal entertainment to reproduce. You may feel the need for a child, but would this child be best with you? It is hard enough bringing a child into this world that is wanted let alone some frustrated womens desire to breed without taking into account all the other parties involved. Grow up!
...............................
A
male
reader, g man  +, writes (2 September 2007):
you shouldnt trick anybody.Wait for the right man.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 September 2007):
 ME, me, me. Please do not reproduce. You are not ready to have a child. Children come first and you obviously care for no one but yourself. Again I plead, do not reproduce.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2007): He is your ex for a reason. Think carefully about this one, is it perhaps that you're feeling that there is noone else out there for you or that the next person may be dreadful? Don't give him the upper hand in the situation. All will work out & you will feel that attachment with someone else when the time is right. Be strong :-), remember the reasons of why he wasn't right for you. I wish you the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (2 September 2007):
 You are playing with fire here. Even if you strongly feel that you would be able to do this on your own, you not. You are using his sperm against his direct consent. You and he have already discussed it. You can justify it any way that you want, he put it in me, he had his fun, it's not his choice, etc, BUT you already asked him. You will be the mother of his child, he will be forever involved. You will be interfering with his marriage by having his child. You may think that this is convenient, but it has SO many complications, it's impossible. If you are determined to have a child on your own, which you have every right to do, then use a sperm donor. What you are planning involves deceit, trickery and you are totally ignoring his rights as the potential father. You and he are already cheating on his wife and kids (you are still committing adultery even if you refuse to agnowledge her) and giving birth to a step-sibling also ties you and your child to these unknown people for life. Life can be so much simpler if you do the right thing. Use a clinic. Just because you CAN do something, doesn't mean that you should! This really is the ultimate in deceit. Women who accidentally get pregnant hoping to force a decision out of a mate usually wind up regretting the decision, either through guilty feelings about how they got what they wanted OR regret over getting what they wished for. There is nothing wrong with having a child on your own! Why not avoid all of rest of this and go for what you really want, a CHILD. Doing it the other way gives you a lot of stuff you don't want - a cheating husband for a father and lots of relatives that you don't know for life. Life is really short, why add complications to a thing that should be a total joy - Having Your Baby. Get going, you know what you want! Start looking into clinics, start your financial planning and start building a nest. All the more power to you! Good Luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2007): He has a family and your sleeping with him? and now you want to get pregnant even though he's against it. What's wrong with you? if he is married, find an nice SINGLE guy and settle down. You got time
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2007): That would be pretty despicable if you do that without telling him. If you don't mind raising the baby on your own, why can't you be honest with him? I assume you are afraid that he will leave you. I don't know, it sounds like you are going to do what you want, and neither of you have got ANY scruples whatsoever. If I were you I would NOT be dating a guy with a family. That's for sure! And I would not plan on having a baby in secret. Just so you know, if you want to have a baby, it would be so much nicer to do it with someone who wants to HAVE it with you. And if he doesn't want a baby with you but yet you guy's want to continue this affair, why don't you look into adoption. That way he "won't" leave you.
...............................
A
male
reader, gandalf +, writes (2 September 2007):
That sounds great you just use him to provide you with some sperm with you as a role model Im sure the child will turn out alright. We have enough single mothers who deny their children the right to see their fathers and deny them a proper family upbringing without encouraging you to follow the same immoral route.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2007): Absolutely do NOT do this to your child!!
You want a child & you are thinking of your wants & your needs, but becoming a mother is about putting your child's needs before you own... even when that child doesn't even exist yet.
I had a father that didn't want to have children and he never changed, not even after my siblings & I came along.
It's not necessarily going to be the case that this man will miraculously see this child and love it & be the father that he ought to be.
To this day, my dad has shown no interest in any of us -- and seeing other friends with their dads who love them and treat them well is heartbreaking.
Yes, you have a great network of friends and family, but what if you have a daughter --- who is going to walk her down the aisle on her wedding day & tell her how proud he is of her? There's no substiute for that!
Or a son -- who's going to be there every day to teach him how to grow into a young man, to teach him to drive & hammer a nail?
There's no bond like a father's -- you can't substitute it and you can't bring a child into the world KNOWINGLY robbing them of that. Obviously there are situations where it ends up that way, but don't plan for it. Especially given his situation, it won't even be disinterest - it'll likely be more outright loathing he'll feel for your child as he'll see that baby as an entrapment & a risk to his whole current situation --- try explaining that to your baby when he wants to know his dad & his dad wants absolutely nothing to do with him/her but he has other kids he is loving towards!
As I said, being a mum means putting your wants on the backburner & planning so your child has the best you can offer.
Put your wants on the shelf for now & wait until you've got something wonderful to give this child -- a father's love!!
...............................
A
male
reader, swiss army romance +, writes (2 September 2007):
 If you trick him into impregnating you then you should really think about the fact that he is afterall the childs father. For both him and the child it is unfair, maybe would using a sperm donor be better for atleast his sake. Better still, actually go out and find someone. Surly these maternal feelings should also be telling you that your child needs a father?
...............................
A
male
reader, swiss army romance +, writes (2 September 2007):
If you trick him into impregnating you then you should really think about the fact that he is afterall the childs father. For both him and the child it is unfair, maybe would using a sperm donor be better for atleast his sake. Better still, actually go out and find someone. Surly these maternal feelings should also be telling you that your child needs a father?
...............................
|
