A
female
age
41-50,
*essycat
writes:i have been having problems with my fiance , we moved last month and while i was moving his clothes i found a hidden porno in his sweatshirt.. i was more mad that it was hidden and he had told me when we got together he doesnt even like porn .. when i asked him about it he said he never watched it , i dont believe that.. i was hurt and mad and also felt betrayed and lied to .. i lost my trust in him .. we were just getting past that and then i asked the other nite to use the laptop to listen to music outside.. when i started to type in project playlist.. a list of other sites starting with p came up along with a porn site .. he is telling me he let someone use the laptop and it wasnt it .. the site has a option to be a member and when i clicked on it on the laptop it said there was a msg.. after he broke the laptop i got on my computer and went to the same site.. it went directly to the site and no message was there.. another thing someone can maybe tell me is how do i block sites like that one ?? im thinking about ending our relationship over all this .. and children are involved.. so it makes it a hard decision.. but i dont know how to be with someone who you cant trust .. any advice would be apprecitated unless its from stupid guy telling me its okay to look at this stuff.. Thanks everyone for reading ..
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male
reader, kaifu  +, writes (12 September 2009):
Wow this is some serious over-reacting.
Good luck finding a guy who doesn't look at porn while in arelationship, it is normal and does NOT mean he is betraying you.
I can imagine it is hard for you (esp. women) to understand this. Guys are very much into the visual aspect of things, it is not proof in anyway that he will cheat on you or wants to cheat on you. If he loves you he won't, no matter how much porn he looks at.
If you break up over this, prepare to be break up again and again until you finally find a guy who is more computer savvy than you and can hide his traces perfectly.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): Glad it worked out.Yeah your advice is great for the ladies, a lie for lie...fìght fire with a furnace...guys, we're screwed.
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female
reader, jessycat +, writes (3 September 2009):
jessycat is verified as being by the original poster of the question okay okay .. im a liar .. i lied .. does it make me feel better YES !! -- he kept tellin me he will do anything and everything to make it okay between us .. so i used it to my advantage .. i said " okay .. im setting up a lie dector test .. lol .. lil did he kno i never did that ... i knew this was the only chance i had to get the truth before actually taking it to that level .. its funny how u tell him u already have an appt set up .. they believe u , so use it to ur advantage as i did .. tell him this is ur last chance to come clean and tell the truth because if i hear it from them its over .. if u tell the truth now ..ill try to make it thru it and see ur side .. IT WORKED he told me about what he had lied about ..a porno .. okay .. i can deal with that... i was pregnant .. i was cold .. i didnt want him to touch me---------- .. i understand why he was lookin at it ..EVEN IF IT BUGS ME .. he had his reasons .. silly -- i had to lie to get the truth , and im not telling anyone to do what i did .. but i do think it was a good choice on my part.. cause he never would of gave me that info with out the threats , its sad it came to this .. but how else was i gonna get that info??LADIES ! please use this info i kno lying is not OK .. but sometimes u gotta do things that arent really right ,,hey if they do u wrong u gotta do thnings that arent okay with u .. turns out it was a very good thing for me .. please feel free to use my advise .. i like to help other women .. (f the dudes that get f~d in the prosces.. anyways i hope you all have good things to say from this =-- i understand there are a few who will hate me .. im more than willing to take there bs .. i hope my life can help others in some way.. pls feel free too use my silly shit .. XOXOXXOOX best of luck to you all in my place .. u gotta be smarter than him .. VERY EAsY :)
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female
reader, jessycat +, writes (2 September 2009):
jessycat is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni just want to let everyone know that i have settled down .. i needed time to cool off from it .. and now that i have im realizing life is to short to be unhappy .. its took alot for me to realize it .. its even sad the things that made me realize it .. but he is sticking to his storys about never watching it .. it bothers me but not enough to think less of myself .. thanks again everyone for your wonderful advice ..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2009): The bottom line is ur right. A woman who has babies should Never have a partner who looks at porn. As women we sacrifice a LOT to have our mens babies and although the mommy tummy may shrink , stretch marks and sags last forever. Any dr will tell you that no amount of excercise changes the results of pregnancy. He had used your body to have his babies and then can't even respect you enough to leave the porn alone. Let's face it.... Men don't look at porn to see women with post baby bodies. It's totally disrespectful for him to do this. Of course it would affect your self esteem. He either wants to get off sexually to the mother of his children or barely 20 year oldsters who have obviously never carried babies. Why the he'll should he need both? If he wants them I'd take the kids and leave.
Men will NEVER understand how wrong this is to do to the mother of their children and how disresectful it is of the sacrifices she has made and been through and neither will any woman who has never has kids.....
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reader, jessycat +, writes (1 September 2009):
jessycat is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni do want to thank you all for you advice a lot of its not what i was hoping to hear but its proably what i need to hear.. i have tried to ask why he is hiding it and he still claims he never looked at it ifyoudontmind i think i like your answer best of all because you understand whats bothering me its the lying .. if he is lying about something so petty .. what big lies are still hidden ? i just dont know if i can be in a relationship where im being lied to , ill always be parinoid of what he is hiding from me (not porn ) just any lies .. Thanks for all your advice and we are going to try and work it out .. but i wish he would stop denying it and i would feel alot less betrayed.. ill let you all know what happens .. thanks again
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009): Kiddo, I understand that you're upset. But honestly I think you're making waaaay too much out of this.
When your relationship is new, you're both young and without other responsibilities, ya, you can take all day to stay in bed and do what you want. It's great, it's wonderful, and it's what we all remember fondly from the beginning of our relationships.
You're a mom now, and you've got other responsibilities. I'm not suggesting you're letting him down, not at all. But it still isn't the same. If he wants it every day, or several times a day, there's no way a mom with young kids can responsibly do that. So he's simply taking care of business. That doesn't take thing one away from you. He's respecting the fact that you're working hard being a mom. There's no reason to think he wants the e-girls more than you, or even at all.
Chill, girl. He's there for you.
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male
reader, Trans Am Man +, writes (1 September 2009):
 I know you don't want to hear this but all men do it, you will never find a man that don't. The best thing you can do is tell him you don't mind if he looks at porn, because then he'll stop lying about it. if you end the relationship over something like this then your a dumbass
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female
reader, lena1 +, writes (1 September 2009):
 I do not understand what is wrong with the guys this day.They watch and denied,I have the same problem with my husband ,but I don't really care if he watchs porn what i care about is that he lied to me about it,and also my husband knows I don't have problem watching it with him but he rather goes and masturbate himself,my problem is he masturbates and satisfy himself and he forgets about me we can go without sex for month.so what i want to tell you,do not bother yourself thinking about finding out that he is watching porn ,that is normal as long as you are satisfied and happy with him and that does not affect your sexual life.Good luck
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female
reader, jessycat +, writes (1 September 2009):
jessycat is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni understand what you are all saying about the porn not being a big problem .. the problem is the lying more so than the porn .. i dont want to look at those perfect women when i have 2 children and i cant possibly compare to them women in the porns .. my last baby was born in oct. 08 so i havent even got my figure back .. at this point im thinking of giving up food so maybe i can lose the baby weight .. he knows that i will do whatever he wants in bed so it seems to me he just likes to look at perfect women .. which im not.. i have strech marks, i have a tummy .. i have a body that has been used to make children .. HIS CHILDREN.. idk guess im over reacting .. but im also losing my self esteem .. and im not a bad looking girl .. so i shouldnt have to feel that way..
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009): Guys look at porn...you can leave him and meet someone else, and he'll probably look at porn too. You have to remember that they don't watch porn because they're unhappy with you or not satisfied. Men are visual creatures, they're going to do it. So you can be upset about it and make him feel guilty and he'll continue to do it behind your back, resulting in you being pissed off. Or you can accept it; maybe watch it with him, or work on your insecurities that causes you to be upset over him watching porn.
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (31 August 2009):
 I have to say that you're over-reacting way too much to this.
First of all, maybe instead of making him feel ashamed of himself, thus making him lie to you all of the time; maybe you should indulge him a bit on this.
One exercise you can engage in is watching it with him. Maybe you're personally offended by it, but he isn't. By sharing in his "fantasy life", you are moving closer to him. But by castigating him over it, you are pushing him away from you.
If you try and block his access to porn, or force him to stop viewing it, he will (1) resent you for it and (2) eventually leave you because of your intolerance towards him.
If you want him to change his behavior re: porn, then you have to do things for him that reward him and make him feel good about spending time with you instead of watching porn.
However, if you keep slapping him around about it, then he will find you and your life together boring.
Is that really what you want?
There's a reason why people are attracted to porn. This attraction has something to do with curiosity and a desire to experience things they do not ordinarily experience, vicariously.
In some instances, porn is alluring when its forbidden. But if you make it commonplace for him, he will tire of it and move on to reality instead of fantasy.
Relationships are a two-way street. You have to eventually meet him in the middle or else your relationship will never work.
You seem to react to porn as if you are competing with characters on a screen when in fact he has moved in with you, and you two are sharing space together. By indulging his fantasies, and perhaps having him indulge yours, you form an intense emotional bond which will not be easily broken.
But if you punish him for his own curiosity, then you're making him feel unworthy and ashamed. Eventually, that breeds resentment and he will head for the door if you can't accept him.
Let me make a suggestion to you. You can take this advice or throw it in file 13, its your choice.
You have to be honest and sincere and look past all of your prejudices here. You love him and so you have to do something brave and daring to prove to him that you respect him. After all, he needs to know that or else he's never going to believe a word you say to him.
You write on a piece of paper, an entire list of all of your sexual desires and fantasies.
You then have your fiance' do the same thing. When he shows you his, you show him yours.
Then start working on the list. Eventually the porn will become passe' and you will find its much more fun indulging your fantasies together and enjoying your relationship.
Maybe every once in a while, the two of you can pick up some porn lite, and enjoy that and get back to business. Its not unhealthy to have sexual curiosities. Its human. Don't get all defensive about it.
Now there's a couple of ways to handle things with a positive result in mind. After all, you do want a positive result, don't you? So give this a try instead. You'd be surprised what kind of positive results you'd get from him.
Remember that when you punish the people you love for being themselves, you won't get a positive result. You have to reward people in your love life and that is how you get what you want. But rewards require a little courage and some daring on your part that's all. Its a small sacrifice if you want a healthy relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): I think you are making a big deal over something as silly as porn. Children are involved, so don't make some hasty decision to get rid of your relationship and their dad while you are mad.
Take time to cool off and maybe rationally talk about his use of porn with him.
I don't much like porn, and there are a lot of sick porn sites out there, which I won't go into, but I think just about every redblooded man especially in his age group has seen a porn film, maybe two. Men are visual beings and they need those images to masturbate with.....and I am sure that is why he views porn. Now if he were sitting on his computer night after night with you in the bed in the room next to him, then you would have a reason to get excited as that is disrespectful to you and indicates he has a problem called addiction.
If he plans on getting rid of his porn once he is married, great, or perhaps you might even watch one with him if you are open to it....not saying that you should or shouldn't but worse things could happen, he could want a threesome or want you to become a swinger....eeeeew, right?
So take a wait and see attitude and let him know that you would like to understand him first before throwing him out the door.
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male
reader, Ifyoudontmind +, writes (31 August 2009):
I am not an advocate for porn by any means. But I dont really think if you love this guy its worth it to lose him over it. well I am going to be "that stupid guy" that says it ok to look at porn.I want to you to really ask yourself this.What is the problem? seriously. The lying yes.. thats not cool. But why is looking at porn an issue.what is the problem. its not an infidelity.Him Hiding it is the problem.You really should ask him why is he hiding it, but maybe he feels threatened that you would be unnaccepting of it.. which you clearly are. Try to (at least pretend) to be understanding and ask him why is he hiding this, and if you phrase it like that he may just answer it. You know
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reader, Accountable  +, writes (31 August 2009):
 I understand why you think that he's breaching your trust, by not telling you that he is looking at these sors of materials, and you should talk to him about that.
But I'm afraid im going to play the role of a stupid woman telling you that it is ok to look at that stuff - so long as you are honest with your parner and they are accepting of it. Can you honestly say you've never used romantic/erotic material?
This should definitely not be a dealbreaker, especially considering children are involved - that would be petty. I think you should give him a chance to explain, and make sure he realises that you'd rather he was honest about it than kept you in the dark (as he may just think that he is protecting your feelings).
Good luck :) xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): I understand you feel betrayed due to him lying but honestly... you're contemplating ending a relationship because of porn? Fact: most guys watch porn and its natural for a guy to deny watching porn because its generally frowned upon. I'm not saying you're wrong for feeling wronged but maybe he lied because he isn't proud of it and didn't want you to see that side of him.There are FAR WORSE men out more valid reasons to be left, don't end it over something so miniscule...GOOD LUCK and GOD BLESS
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