A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My and my H have been together for over 10 years and have 2 children we both work full time. I am 27 and he is 35 we get on great and normally I have the higher sex drive however atm I just don't have the energy/need to have sex I haven't lost my sex drive but once a week is enough atm - tbh I'm starting to see it as another job/chore that I have to do. I've told him to stop putting pressure on me and all he replies with is fine we'll never have sex again.I've told him its not that I don't want to again its that I'm too tired/stressed/not in the mood atm for it - I am still waiting for a operation though not urgent I'm still not 100% healthy.Please can someone help me?! I'm tired of hearing about sex/blow jobs etc he jokes its my "duty" but I really feel like telling him he can shove it. I don't want us to split/argue all the time and I keep telling him I am not a sex machine/doll but every other day I just feel pressure all the time no matter what I say to him
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (27 January 2012):
 Good luck to the OP. I hope you can find common ground with your husband. Relationships go through stages and if we lose focus we can lose the relationship. We all have our ideas of what is most important. Finding that balance is answer. Men and women are different and I suppose there is a nature based reason for that. I guess he needs to figure out what he's willing t do for you and you for him. You're not wrong for being tired and he's not wrong to desire sex more than once a week. This isn't about who's more righat and wrong. Try dating each other again. Choose a night every week or two when you can go out without the kids and rekindle the reomance. Good luck!
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (27 January 2012):
This debate cold go on forever. The OP didn't say the husband wouldn't go to a therapist, she said she "doubted" it.
If he gave more kisses and cuddled more often maybe the sex would come. Well. it's also possible if the sex was there more often there might be more kisses and cuddling other times. He does help around the house but she doesn't like how he does it. Maybe he feels like he ca't win. Who really knows??
It is possible the husband works full time too. I'm sure he has chores he does around the house. The truth is this, somewhere in the middle is the truth for this couple. Nobody knows all the facts or issues in the relationship. I'm nuetral. He may want too much sex, she might not try hard enough. She might be too demanding, he might be lazy. Don't assume it's all one sided. OP said six months ago she would never have imagined this. Well. what changed? Also,sometimes a quicky is all we get. Kids do change things.
The shopping comparison is about doing something for the person you love. In my marriage I try to make it a rule to go the extrra mile. If I can't do it for my wife, who can I do it for?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (26 January 2012):
 OP I hear you… so this is a new problem for you and yours?
My guy does not do the laundry and when he puts it away he leaves my stuff on the bed for me to put away and that’s fine… he just doesn’t know where my stuff goes or how I like it and that’s fine.
I have learned (and read in a book I believe) that most men need to hear thank you over and over for doing stuff we want/expect them to do… so I do ‘thank you for cleaning up after dinner I appreciate it” “thank you for taking the trash out” (and then under my breath to myself “even if it is YOUR Job”), and if he empties the dishwasher… (a chore I HATE) you would think he solved world hunger war and poverty the way I gush over him…. Seems phony and fake but it seems to go miles towards getting more and more stuff done…
I know you love your H and that he’s a good man and this is just a rough patch for both of you…
For me when my kids were little and their dad needed a release and I was just too tire or too busy, I’d give him a blow job… he felt release and connected and loved and I’d not have to mess my hair (a joke guys)…. But it helped. WE compromised… I prefer making love but then there are times a quickie is very nice and fun… it can be fun to sneak off while the kids are watching tv and “do the nasty” just to have that release… but if it’s 90% quickies that does not work…so here is where the compromise has to come into play… maybe right now you need more love and attention and you need it to be 60% love making and 40% quickies? Or more? Or Less? That’s up to you and hubby…
“don’t worry I’m not going to follow you upstairs” is said to be fun and playful I’ll bet but the fact that you are so stressed by this is being taken the wrong way…
The other day I said something to my partner that I MEANT as a joke… HE TOOK IT THE WRONG WAY due to stress about the situation (it was job related) and we nearly had a huge fight over it… and I ended up having to apologize profusely because it would not have worked to explain IT WAS A JOKE HONEY… he just was not in the frame of mind to get it… maybe that’s what happened with this?
I don’t think you are a LET down for him… maybe he’s just not feeling connected to you right now… men need that physical contact to feel that connection sometimes… I often think I’m a let down for my guy but I found out in therapy that the only person that feels let down by me is ME…..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all the replies I understand its give and take but am I really expected to give my body to someone when I don't want to? How can that be compared to go shopping when the man doesn't want to? For me it is uncomparable.For instance today I got home and he'd told me he'd put all the clothes away for me I go upstairs to find them all in piles ready for ME to put away. That isn't helping me really I don't think anyway.I don't want to just put my H down he is a good man and means well but he's just too much when it comes to sex. Even 6 months ago I could never imagine being one of those women who don't want sex and now he's making me feel like I am one.Its noit that I don't want it I just like to be able to relax and MAKE LOVE not just have SEX. Its not the same thing I don't want a quickie all the time when the kids are playing downstairs quality over quantity for me any day. I have told him how I feel it gets me nowhere I don't mind compromising but it works both ways his little comments "don't worry I'm not gonna follow you upstairs" make me feel 1 inch tall just another reminder that I am a let down for him
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 January 2012):
To the Anonymous OP who has never refused to cuddle… I have one of those men now. He’s a delight… but his sex drive is very very low and I often settle for a kiss and a cuddle when I want more… sometimes to the point that I OFFER a blow job and he turns it down… so what should I do? Do I pull down his pants and put his penis in my mouth while he’s pushing me away saying “NO don’t touch me?”
How do you compromise when the partner is too ill to be receptive? How do you compromise when the partner wants sex monthly, is giving it weekly and you want it every other day? WHO compromises?
Who gives in?
To Eddie: Read what CindyCares wrote. She’s spot on. As for me being bitter. Nope. Not at all. Just open and honest and pragmatic and way MORE the male half of my union than he is. Even his remarks “you’re such a guy” makes me laugh. Granted I’m the most feminine man around (heels, skirts, makeup etc ) but my way of looking at life is more analytical than romantic. He’s the romantic in our union. I’m not angry. I am in a relationship where clearly anyone who knows me knows I focus on the good and ignore the bad… Sex is not a gift. It’s a right to some and a privilege for others. To be desired for MORE than sex is good. In fact I just heard a line from a song where John Adams says to Thomas Jefferson “but life is more than sexual combustibility” and it’s true. Responsibilieties and life in general take precedence over having sex on a constant basis.
The OP has two children is with her partner for TEN YEARS and is running a home and working full time as well as being ILL… she’s still having sex ONCE a week…. Lucky her…. That’s quite a sex drive for a woman with so much on her plate… and it’s more than the average long term couple is having sex….
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (26 January 2012):
This is a topic that is recognised by most working parents and it rapidly polarises male and female opinion. Some of the posts show that women feel men don't understand how much work they do and how exhausting life is. From a male perspective it appears that women dont realise how much men need sex to maintain a stable emotional state, its more than a desire for fun. Also we see our stressed wives and long to have the chance to have a great orgasm. Unfortunately when the opportunity arises to have sex the option of going to sleep immediately is far more appealing! This creates a sexual disharmony and the man will usually watch porn and masterbate or find other short term female company. OP, don't let the disharmony you have with you hb turn into arguments and conflict. You need to talk but firstly you need to find time to talk. Get someone to watch the kids and reprioritise your relationship. Agree to do something together every week or two.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 January 2012):
 Eddie, maybe the OP's update escaped you. She figured out ways that could increase her sex drive, but the husband is not cooperating.
She'd like him to help her more around the house. She DOES complain he's lazy : she says he'll help , but only occasionally and as if it were something wondrous, worth a medal. Not as a part of a routine , willingly embraced to help her being less tired.
She tells him that she'd like more cuddles and kisses, but that always falls on deaf ears.
She'd like to go to counseling TOGETHER, but she doubts he would.
She is being propositive,but the husband is not responding.
Plus, I am not sure there's something that really needs to be " worked on " so urgently and that the best approach would not be just for him to be patient. This woman has a full time job, a house to manage, 2 small chidren, AND she is not healthy , and waiting for an operation ! Very understandable that maybe steamy frequent sex is not what's most on her mind atm , and since she manages to keep the rythm at a decent once a week ( nothing to scoff at, or to take for granted, after 10 years together !), that's why the husband 's woes do not elicit much sympathy.
In fact, now that I think of it : this guy has a sick, worried, overworked, tired, stressed out wife- and his main concern is that he can't relieve himself more than once a week ? Heck, I add to the general verdict another resounding : he can shove it.
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (26 January 2012):
I think the original poster loves her husband. I think he probably loves her. I think they're in a bit of a rut for the moment. He needs to realize he's not going to get all he wants and she needs to figure out what might motivate her a little more. I think we all have the ability to be more motivated but we need to find out how. As I've said before, when we divorce and find ourselves in a new relationship, all of a sudden we're motivated again. The reason we lose our drive in a marriage is because we become too comfortable. The husband thinks he can pester his wife for more sex because he knows how far he can push her. She feels she can turn him down because she knows how far she can push him. That is not clever compromise. That means the motivation is not gone, just buried. People need to rejuvinate the marriage and remember how it was when they met. BOTH people.
Nobody should demand sex. Obviously when you demand something you're putting the other person in a subservient position. If you've read anything I've said you'd see that I mention negotiating and working through the issue.
You ask if I think when a woman doesn't want sex, does that mean she doesn't desire her husband. Well it certainly says that she doesn't desire him sexually. Have you given any thought about where that leaves the man? How does that make him feel? It leads to resentment and cheating.
People need to find common ground. If he wants sex 4 times a week and she wants sex once a week, what about choosing twice? It is not equally as important for the person with the lower sex drive to try and figure out if there is something they can do to increase their desire?
Let's be honest, if someone is so raw that they DEMAND sex, they don't care too much about their partner. If you ask for something in a relationship and discuss ways to make it happen it might work out. It requires both partners to "try" in order to make the marriage work. You know there is a big difference in a marriage where two people get along well, like the OP said, than there is in a marriage that is totally disfunctional.
Generally speaking men are the ones looking for sex and women decide who gets it. Like anything, when you hold the power it is important to use it wisely or it can backfire. Lastly, unless there is medical reason, mental or physical, working though the problem is best.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): "Compromise" does not mean it's okay to literally demand sex from an unwilling partner. That sounds more like being raped than compromising.
Compromise means trying to meet your partner halfway sometimes, and seeing if you can get yourself excited even if you might not feel like it initially.
And just to say this, I am a man and I cannot *EVER* remember refusing to cuddle someone when they asked me for it.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 January 2012):
". As far as being clean...what is that about."
I was just responding to the poster before me when he said:
"et's apply that concept a little more broadly and see how most women like it. For example, let's put "cuddling" and "romance" and "cleanliness" in the blanks"
so I wonder then Eddie if it's not ok to demand sex daily how often per week should a man or woman demand a partner have sex when they don't want to?
is demanding it every other night ok?
is demanding it every three days ok?
is demanding it every 10 days ok?
WHEN is it OK to DEMAND that a person who does not have desire perform???
do you think that a woman not wanting sex means she does not desire her partner?
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (26 January 2012):
So Very Confused, you sound so bitter. You boast that you've had many husbands.....maybe that is a sign. Marriage is about work and negotiation, not fighting and divorce. As far as being clean...what is that about. Why be angry? Be happy and look for the good in a relationship. In a solid relationship there will always be times to give and receive. Sex is a gift and to be desired is nice. To be undesired is not a good thing. Sex a couple times a week is no that bad. Is it? If anybody is demanding sex on a daily basis or putting extreme pressure on another person, that is wrong. To want a little action more than once a week is not evil.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 January 2012):
No we don’t compromise we get divorced or we fight and have affairs . I have NEVER met a man who is willing to cuddle and romance and be cleaner than he wants for a woman. And I’ve had MANY husbands and partners and I have always had the higher sex drive… I have however met many women who “close their eyes and think of England” to do their wifely duties to keep a man happy enough not to beat or rape her.
How many men do you know that are FORCED to cuddle and romance their wives? Now how many women do you know who are forced to submit to their husband's desires?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2012): "The person with the lowest desire for _____ sets the standards for it."
Hmm . . . let's apply that concept a little more broadly and see how most women like it. For example, let's put "cuddling" and "romance" and "cleanliness" in the blanks and see if most women still want to do things that way.
Or we could act like adults and compromise more equally.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 January 2012):
Eddie,
As in life, the person with the lowest level of commitment or desire sets the guidelines. The person with the higher drive has to accept it or move on... it's easier to give up then to give in when it comes to wanting sex.
I want it more than I get it but I accept that I get it when I get it.... Demanding that my man perform when I want sex is NOT going to happen...why should a woman be any different and have to give IN when HE wants sex because she does not have to maintain an erection like he does? What he just rolls her over lubes her up inserts and enjoys while she's miserable?
Should I make my partner get a strap on to satisfy me when he' is not in the mood?
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (25 January 2012):
I'm afraid most people are missing something here. The husband is being called selfish and lazy. Where does it say he does NOT help at home? People are also saying he should do this and that to make the problem better. If I'm reading this right, it's all his fault. Is it not reasonable to say, if this is a problem in the relationship and as the OP says, they get along well, she should work on the problem too? The alternative is for the husband to accept that this is the way it is and that it, game over. Is the wife not obligated to work on this as well? What I'm reading is this....he is wrong bec\use he's not sexually satisfied. she is right because she is. When one person has all the power, it leads to resentment. The aunts have put all the work on the man and that is not fair. If the wife does not see importance in the sex life of the marriage then she will not be motivated to work on the issue. That could also be seen as selfish. Marriage is about working together, the problem is we take each other for granted when we become too confident. This is not usually a problem in a new relationship whn people feel motivated to try harder to impress each ither.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2012): your husband is selfish, inconsiderate, entitled, passive aggressive, and has no qualms using emotional blackmail to get what he wants regardless of how it makes you feel. It's hard to get turned on by someone like this.
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female
reader, pstarr +, writes (25 January 2012):
To me this sounds like the Ol' passive agressive play to get you to have quilted sex which is a bad move on his part. This is obviously going to give you the feeling of being taken advantage of and that your feelings are not thought about nor are they of concern to him. Besides getting counseling which he may not think there is a need, maybe you should talk about "your" needs and not your duty. Maybe you could suggest to him if he wants more of you that he could help you with your daily work load or take the time to romance you instead of making you feel like its your job. Sometimes they need to understand that women are emotional creatures and even though you may be tired the better way to come to you is with a nice dinner at home the kids in bed and a candle lit bedroom or a hot bath and a backrub. I think the problem is, is that your needs are not given the attention they deserve and the romance is nill. Try talking to him about what you need or what would make you more willing to share the intimacy he wants.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (25 January 2012):
 You are right OP, he can shove it.
You are not being a bitch, its your husband who's insensitive. It seems that all he cares about is having his desires met. If he was at all concerned, HE should be the one suggesting counselling, because this is a problem that concerns both of you; it's something that you've been feeling that is affecting him too, and rather than joking about it and telling you that its your duty, he should deal with it better.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 January 2012):
 How did you cope when you had the higher sex drive and he turned you down?
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (25 January 2012):
Everyone has painted a picture of the husband as a selfish ogre. We know nothing about him and it's possible he works as hard as his wife. She has listed lots of reasons why she doesn't want sex. What is she doing about it? Is it not possible that if she enjoys sex once a week she could manage to enjoy sex twice a week. Marriage is about compromise and meeting in the middle when possible. Is the health issue related to sex? If so, that is a valid reason to not have sex.
The wife says they get on great. So we can take from that statement that he is nice. She states she doesn't have the energy or need. That is the issue. How do you get the energy? They have to work that out. As far as need, people can survive without sex for a long time. Waht if a spouse wants sex once a month? Should the other person be OK with that?
If sex is fun and enjoyable on Sunday night, is it a stretch to imagine that by Wednesday it's become an intolerable chore. The orgasm that is great on Sunday night is not rewarding by mid week? It's a choice.
People need to work together and sort it out. In this case she's not saying he doesn't treat her well,she's saying she's not interested enough in focusing on an important element of the marriage.
I also have a higher sex driver than my wife. I also don't like to go shopping for home decor items. But if she wants to go to the mall, I go with her. Why, because she asked me. It is about give and take. Instead of trying to figure out why the husband is terrible for wanting a little more of something that is supposed to beenjoyable, figure out why it's not worth the effort to you more than once a week.
Is there anything he could do that might make yo feel like having sex?
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (24 January 2012):
 Nope. There may be a selfish bitch in this situation, but it's not you! You are not a domestic slave nor a sex slave. It's not the 50's anymore. Next time he nags you for sex, suggest counseling as a way for him to help increase your libido.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your replies
He does help around the house but its more of a "did you see I did the washing up" like he wants a medal you know I have to bite my tongue not to say hey I do it every day!
I've told him if I got more kisses/cuddles etc I would probably be a bit more relaxed etc but it falls on deaf ears
I would LOVE to go to counselling but I doubt he would
Again thank you for your replies I feel better now instead of just being made out to be a selfish bitch
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 January 2012):
Next time he says "fine we'll never have sex again" I'd say "great works for me" and go on about my business...
what does he do around the house to help you?
does he do chores?
does he do child care?
does he romance you? cuddle you? love on you? or is just about sex and the release?
if none of the above is happening I can see easily why you feel the way you do.
sometimes we go weeks without sex but we have cuddles and hugs every day and then he can masturbate (or I can) for the orgasm which is different than the affection...
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (24 January 2012):
I agree, your husband can shove it. You're ill, working two and a half full time jobs (work + kids + housework), I'd imagine servicing someone else's needs is not at the top of your queue. Have you told him that? You should tell him if he really wants to seduce you the best thing to do would be take care of the kids and housework for awhile to give you some time to rest, then try again. Once a week in your situation doesn't seem all that low, your husband is being a jerk. What with the kids and jobs and surgery.
A lot of couples who are time stressed find that when they just can't find the time or energy to have sex, they set a time to masturbate together. It's a lot faster and easier but still helps you feel like a part of each other's sex lives. I know it's not the most romantic thing in the world, but it's a no frills orgasm, which helps relieve stress, and you still get to be a part of each others sex lives.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2012): The best thing to do is is seek couples therapy because he has lost the ability to listen and hear what you are saying and has become lazy in respecting you and that sometimes men and women go through phases of low sex drive due to life and stress.What a loving partner would do is recognize that you have surgery and your health on your brain and it may be suppressing your desire as you need to reserve your strength and energies.Its not to punish but its the brain and body doing its best to keep you healthy so you can function and be Wife and Mother.You are not Super Mom and Super Porn Goddess Wife. Your Human.Just because he may be one of those individuals where stress up his libido- you are not. Is this enough to terminate a relationship? No.Its just best to seek couples therapy because I believe that is the only way the message will sink into your Husbands thick skulled brain that sex isn't the be all and it does require two to make it fun, exciting, and pleasurable and its not all about him.And its not sex women want, its intimacy. In and out of the bedroom. The love letters, the thoughtful notes, the back and foot rubs, the hugs. The soft kisses. The hand holding. The I can be honest and open with you about my feeling and emotions and not have you think I'm attacking you but I just need to vent to release my stress so I don't go cuckoo. Just need him to listen and validate, try to see through my eyes and not defend. When you are in that 'mode', you need him to get into, listening mode. That's it. Then give you a big hug after it all.Men truly do not get that the more they do that for us, the trust is built up, the friendship is kept active, we feel safe and KNOW we can go to them about anything and when we feel this cherished and cared for, because they can do something so simple as LISTEN and VALIDATE- we want to reciprocate ten fold and with that- the bedroom intimacy is renewed and kept alive.Men do not understand that is our nature. It is how we are driven. It is unique to us Women and we do not do this to punish and deny. Its hard to keep giving and giving and giving and feel we aren't getting replenished by our partners and those around us. Its an age thing and you have been in giving mode for 10 years. You are exhausted and need to recoup and get renewed. So its a 'wait my Love' give me time. I want to get back to the happy, loving, giving me but I need rest.At this time in a womans life, the man needs to fulfill his duty and be the patient, loving, kind, understanding man that he is more than capable of being and when he does love the woman of his heart and life; he wants to be.So I'm thinking Husband needs to understand how it all works and how to be supportive in your time of need. And he can do that with couples counselling.I hope you are doing well Poster and I can empathize with you 100%.*hugs* Hang in there. You have done a great job and are still doing your job and duty.
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