A
female
age
30-35,
*eriouslyStephanie
writes:My problem has a few layers, so I will try and explain as clearly as possible without rambling.I have been together with my boyfriend for 3 years. I am 19 and he is 26. I had sexual partners previous to him, but I was his first.He tells me he has a low sex drive, yet I know he watches porn and masturbates, but doesn't seem to want sex very often (usually only about 2 times a week). This makes me feel like I am unwanted and unattractive because to me, this means he would rather watch other women or read sexual stories than actually engage in sex with me.Also, before we have sex, he gets himself "up" while we are kissing (if that makes sense) instead of just being able to be turned on by me, I feel that he has to make himself erect, and for all I know he could be thinking about someone else during this act. When we have sex it is great, and he makes sure I climax as well as him, I just feel like at the beginning I am not enough to get him erect. Also, I feel very hurt when I find out he has rejected me for sex and then I find out that he has been masturbating that day and the next (why would he not want to have sex with me if he is obviously horny enough to masturbate). He says that all guys watch porn and do that, but I know a few guys who, when they are in serious relationships, refrain from porn and just have sex with their partner!! I personally don't masturbate when in a relationship because I believe that sex is an act between two people when they are in love, and I don't believe it is right to be watching other people on porn to get sexual gratification. I don't feel he shares these views, even though I have explained my concerns. I would just like an opinion on all of this, I hope it all makes sense!
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female
reader, SeriouslyStephanie +, writes (25 January 2012):
SeriouslyStephanie is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks guys, just a quick update... I have spoken to my boyfriend and he said he didn't realize he was upsetting me as whenever we have spoken about it it has been in an argument and he thought I was just using it as
Ammunition in the argument. He says he didn't mean to be getting himself off at the start, it was just to get things going quicker after we have had a few beers or whatever. We promised to communicate more and are both feeling much better about the situation. Thanks for all
Your replies.
A
male
reader, DoubleM  +, writes (25 January 2012):
 Well I really don't know how you could possibly cure that problem. When I was growing up in the 1950s-60s, pornography was practically non-existent. Well it was probably available, but very hard to find in Texas. I used to think the old Sears Catalog was a turn-on with drawings of women's bras and panties. Once, I somehow acquired an early copy of Playboy Magazine, but my mom found it and took it away. So anything sexual for me required a girl, and I chased them constantly, and some chased me.
Today, porn is readily available with the click of a mouse (on computer). As a lonely old man now, I do it sometimes, but I agree that it can certainly interfere with normal sexual relations. It's a matter of balance. But when a young guy masturbates more often than having real sex, you have a problem. Best wishes, but my suggestion is probably to move on as well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2012): I agree, it sounds like a porn addiction. If he had a low sex drive he wouldnt feel the need to masturbate. Masturbation is healthy, and guys do watch porn, even ones in loving relationships. However, when your sexual needs are not being satisfied and he is choosing porn over making love to you, it is unacceptable. Im assuming you have already made your views on the subject clear to him and nothing has changed, in which case- cut your loses and find someone else. :)
xx
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (24 January 2012):
He is simply addicted to pornography.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (24 January 2012):
 It's not a lie, around 30% of guys don't watch porn.
Your boyfriend sounds like he's developed a compulsive porn habit. He's become so used to the constant stimulation of porn and extremely firm grip of his hand, that normal sex can't get him aroused anymore. This has nothing whatsoever to do with you, you can be a supermodel who is a total firecracker in bed and it wouldn't help. He needs therapy/help. He has a serious problem when he prefers porn to real people and needs therapy, and to go cold turkey on porn, to snap out of it.
If he can't realize he has a problem and won't seek help, you will have to move on. You can work at it a little to try to get him to realize there's a problem, but in the end it's on him to get help. To try to make him feel a little less picked-on, you should tell him you read that 15% of users develop a compulsion that interferes with their life, and that symptoms include having trouble being aroused by sex, watching porn daily, and masturbating even when you have a willing partner. If he still won't accept it though, there's nothing else you can do.
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A
female
reader, Domolovescookies +, writes (24 January 2012):
 uh... if the guys told you they dont watch porn, they lied.
I think you are over reacting, it seems that the situation is exactly as he's told you, his sex drive is lower than yours. The thing about porn is its "to the point" so whenver he has urges, he can satisfy them immediately without taking the trouble to get warmed up and whatnot.
The thing about him getting himself up... it could be like you said, hes not turned on by just you, it could also be he's turned on by acts instead of appearances only ^^
just some thoughts....
goodluck
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