A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I'm a 28 year old man from India. I'm an investment banker and about to be married to a lawyer in about 60 days time. In the last 150 days of our engagement, we have gottent to know each other a little, even confessed love. But at some level there are doubts in my mind about what will happen once we get married.The problem is she is a very smart lawyer and a smart talker. She is politically correct, and that too 100% of the times. I have not heard one word out of her mouth that would put her in a position to explain herself. She would tell me she thinks I'm perfect and that she loves me the way I'm. However, I could hardly believe her most of the times.I would like to belive her, but then she would say things and her actions would not match them.She would tell me she trusts me, is happy to have found me etc etc, but then she would hide the most innocuous details of her life, like her travel schedule / her brothers 4 years old affair / her fathers biggest success in life / a big partnership she signed with some "old time friends" .. and she never told me about those friends, all I heard was she did not have many friends / any hobbies.She would tell me she respects my mother, but then she would insult her in ways that no blame could not be pinned on her. she would use the most careful words to say the nastiest things and then when I repeat them to her, she would slip right out and place the blame squarely on me. With all this she still sounds like an angel, because she would come back to me and say that we should talk about whatever issues we have. That would invariably mean, me expressing the smallest of doubts / questions that I have and she would not come out with anything.One time, she said we must talk about things that would make life better for us after marriage. And I asked her what were those things that we should talk about. What followed, were a list of questions she wanted to ask me...some of them personal ones. Like my exact financial position, including my families property. Etc etc...However, one bigger thing that worries me is how much she cares about me. Every weekend, she would tell me she has work at office. At other times, she would say her father is in town, or she has to meet a relative, or she wants to go shopping,...eventually we ended up not even having a single full day date together. She would briefly meet me after office...The worst thing is, where she works for last 3 years, they don't even pay her. And I always wanted my wife to work, she now tells me she will quit and stay at home.I have come to think of her as devil in the garb of an angle, I don't know what to do. I'm on the verge of breaking off this marriage.Please suggest.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question5 weeks of therapy, I think I've opened a pandoras box.
There is no turning back, maybe it will not work, there is nothing like erasing the memory...i'm so screwed,,,
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (6 January 2009):
 I read most of the posts, but I'm not answering much these days (health issues). A few thoughts? Often we are doomed to repeat old patterns in relationships. Sometime we are drawn to people because our issues are compatible and we fill a need for ourselves. My understanding of your culture and arranged marriages isn't good, but she seems to be quite Emotionally UnAvailable, much like your Parents were (and still are, by ignoring your past abuse) when you were abused by your brother. I can't help but think that you need to be out of your familial home and out on your own. There is a lot that you can't repair until you are taking care of yourself - including starting any relationship. You can't love another until you love yourself. Staying home with people who are so cavalier about your pain isn't healthy for you. I don't know your culture well enough to understand why you are still at home, but I think it's a very unhealthy place for you to be if you are trying to sort out your life.
Also, this clip came to mind...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-7HOsfH43iU&feature=channel
It seems to me that when you are truly happy and comfortable within a relationship, you wouldn't be second guessing everything that your fiance does, even if abuse does leave us with trust issues. I would think long and hard about going through with this marriage. The only people we can ever change is ourselves. Perhaps you should consider that you may never have a full resolution to your past and that you will have to accept them as the damaged people that they are, or put distance between you and them. But I would never consider marrying someone who has behaved with oblivious indifference to my own concerns. Sorry if this was blunt, but I am assuming that you did wish to hear other opinions, and I can blame it on my very strong painkillers. My heart goes out to you, your pain is palpable, and I hope that you find your way. XXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry if I've been too enthusiastic in my responses and have been using the forum as a sounding board more than a place to find advice.
I spoke to my therapist about the Forum and the great people I've found here. She thinks this is a good thing to have happened.
I'll speak more to my journal and come here only for advice when I face problems.
Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2009): Allow Your Own Inner Light to Guide You
There comes a time when you must stand alone.
You must feel confident enough within yourself to follow your own dreams.
You must be willing to make sacrifices.
You must be capable of changing and rearranging your priorities so that your final goal can be achieved.
Sometimes, familiarity and comfort need to be challenged.
There are times when you must take a few extra chances and create your own realities.
Be strong enough to at least try to make your life better.
Be confident enough that you won't settle for a compromise just to get by.
Appreciate yourself by allowing yourself the opportunities to grow, develop, and find your true sense of purpose in this life.
Don't stand in someone else's shadow when it's your sunlight that should lead the way.
-Author unknown.
See you after a week.Stay Strong.Bro if you can't do it no one else can.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2009): Hi Mr BankerJust relax. It is normal for you to feel like this. You are dealing with emotions. You will have ups and downs. Take a few deep breaths and start writing all those feelings in your journal. When you feel the anger, remember what Smiles told you about the 1st Rule of Anger management. (BACKODD). Well put that to pratice. Take it easy, slowly step by step. As one of the auts have already todl you when dealing with emotions there is not timing. Don't be harsh on yourself. You have done very well untill now, and this is a very normal reaction, specially with your fiance out of town, your theraist not avialable and then the dealing swith your brother, That is a lot to deal with, so just slow down. Be at pece with your feelings, accept your feelings, don't fight it. Write it down.I am sure you will hear soon from Bugs, Smiles and Diovan, but untill then, relax and start writing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm feeling a strange thing.
I think I'm falling back... I've become touchy / angry again, I'm feeling the same feelings I was feeling about my fiance earlier. There could be several reasons for this...
She is not in the city, we don't have much to talk about when on phone or together...(I keep wondering is she bored with me....and she seems she is)...
My therapist has also gone away for a week...before leaving we came down to discussing a professional choice I had to make which could take me out of the country and she says the therapy needs more than a few months...she would give a closure but recommended I continue with someone else / telephonically. It has scared me to some extent...how long and will I even heal ??
My brother's child's birthday...forced me to talk to him, accept food from his hand...I felt I should reject - hold onto the scrapes of self esteem I've started collecting - ...but out of some fear I let them go and accepted food from his hand...
I'm not able to think enough...am back to my fantasy world (which I haven't spoken about here)...what are the chances that I fall back comepletely and out of therapy??? I'm scared and confused.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2009): Hey Mr.Poster,
Can you please send me a PM?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAll,
I'm been through a significant session with my therapist. It will be appropriate to say, it has given me some answers, while it has confused me too, but it has helped me put in further perspective whatever has happened in my life. Let me guide you through some of those things:
The second leg of the abuse was relived by me in the year 2000...(I was 20, he was 25...hence technically it was not abuse, but I was living it all over again...and some profound changes took place).
1. In the year 2000, I had completed the first 1 and half of a 3 part Professional Qualification... from may 2000 to may 2004 I flunked that exam several times.
2. I started faltering in front of clients of the company where I was an intern. Earlier I was in complete control.
3. I dropped out of work (just stopped going) after a while
4. At college, I had this bunch of popular people as friends, we all used to hang out together..bunk college, watch movies... in 2000 (my 2nd year at college)...I dropped out of being friends with any of them
5. In 2000, I fell in love with my own cousin (or so I pretended to myself) and let her know about my feelings indirectly. (NOT a word was spoken between us)..and I imagined that she broke my heart by saying no (actually not even saying anything...but marrying another person). I repeated this process of seeking and receiving pain from a lot of girls in future...never telling them...always thiking and feeling and then feeling pain and rejection.
6. I would cry watching any movie...and this was repeated till about 31st december when for the first time, I could watch a movie in a detached way...almost holding back tears and not being emotional.
I also remembered, that through every one of those events,I kept my eyes closed, hence I have not seen anyone (I never saw his face)...but I was aware of the setting, the place, the person. Also, that I never let him penetrate me.. but that does not reduce the gravity and horror of the experience.
I was also informed, in an indirect way, that I did not understand how grave child abuse is (also technically I was in adolescence and not a child..hence the curiosity was a natural part of growing up at that time..hence I should not feel guilty about my curiosity at all). I'm searching the net for information on child abuse.
NEED HELP HEAR AGONY AUNTS...PLEASE DIRECT ME TO GOOD RESOURCES ON CHILD ABUSE
There was a sense of great loss which I'm now reliving as I go through making sense of the experiences of my childhood. I have been crying as if "I'm at someone's funeral and I don't know who's funeral it is". .. a significant visualisation...the loss was a loss of trust I had in my parents, my personal image, my privacy, innocence, my boundries.. and above all a sense of control. I still feel a lack of this sense of control over EVERYTHING...my employees / my emotions / my relationships / my schedule and everything else.
I also discussed the question of my feelings towards my brother at this time..and we recongnised that I have actually cut him out of my life...I never talk to him about anything significant...never point out his mistakes to him...(while I can do that to anyone and everyone)...last few years I've only talked to him about mobile phones...his favorite topic which made no sense to him.
Hence, the anger / the resentment was manifest in another way, a way that seems more decent but was internally more significant for me. The people I love have been getting my anger / my frustation and also my love manifest in whatever little-wittle conversations i have.
I think, now is the time when I need to resolve events and make sense of whatever happened in my mind...ie place pieces of the jig-saw together and complete the picture part by part...she has given me a lot of homework..a lot of thinking to do.
We also identified the physical changes I've felt.
A need for beer after the session while I've been a tea-totaler all my life (except the last few months). I've been asked to stay away from alchohol, lest it becomes a coping mechanism.
High level of fatigue during last few weeks...again caused by the mental exhaustion caused by dealing with issues.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2008): Mr.Banker I read your post in the afternoon.I have been thinking very hard.I am still not able to come to a decision about telling your fiancee.Things are gray.I am confused myself.Please give me some more time.
Happy New year to you too!May this New year bring peace,joy and happiness.God bless!
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2008): I should be in bed already but I'm glad I waited up... HAVE A WONDERFULL, WONDERFULL NEW YEAR.. now go and grab your girl and watch a good movie.. a good time to show a little affection I think.... have a good time.. Goodnight.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Bugs,
I'm here to reply to the rest of your post...
1. I agree .. complaint to the police is just not an option.
2. At some point this will have to be done. I will speak with my therapist because she is someone who speaks with me in real time and gets an instant response. She knows my emotional strength better than myself.
You know at one point, my dad and I had an argument over my behaviour towards my brother. He felt my brother really cared about me, (this must be 5-6 years back)...and I think I was on the verge of telling him that he definately did not (though I did not then remember the event) .. and I broke down just before that. And it got taken as my affirmation of his love and an apology for doubting that !!
I'll need to be stronger and surer before I go out protecting others. I can, however, talk to my sis-in-law and sis to teach their children to speak up and resist if anyone touches them in objectionable places...no matter who that is.
3. I'm not sure if this is the right time for sharing with my fiance the facts about my past / my brother. She will not be able to come in the house with any cheer. I will make sure she stays away from him and does not get attached with him in any way. But I wanted to keep this till after marriage.
My question to you would be, does this mean I'm not being honest to her, as a man should be to his future wife. If it is important to tell now, I shall (except the abuser being my brother part). Or does she deserve to know even that fact??? Another fear, she would want to have a seperate house now and not sometime later for me.
4. I'm very worried about this part. I can't even hug her, unless she initiates. She was the one who confessed love first...she was the one who held my hand first...she was the one who hugged me first...god I'm so scared to get close to anyone.
Although, going with the flow is the most beautiful thing...I don't want to scare her because of issues that surround me...to make her feel unsure of herself for even a moment. (she is such a confident woman..but she is sensitive and soft...and I've felt this side of her only lately...mainly because I was not even looking at it)
5. The business question is very tricky...I think after I speak to mom-dad-sis about him (IF i EVER do that).. then they will be quick in coming to a decision about him. They have always been better decision makers than me. They will find a way... but it will break their hearts (won't it bugs?)
Will come back to answer the later posts...I'm watching movies with my fiance today ..
Guys have a rocking new year !! May I say, this is going to be my BEST EVER NEW YEARS EVE ...and the reason for that in big part are you people. I'll enjoy it like I should...I promise you.
Happy New Year !
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): At the moment, you are starting to abuse yourself and this is not fair. Your angry with yourself for having feelings of pity, and this is not fair. Remember, your looking at yourself and trying to be kind to yourself. Whatever you are feeling is what you are feeling, there is NEVER anything wrong with feelings. We feel what we feel, we have emotions, we are human. Nothing wrong with feelings, but actions are a very different thing..
As you noticed, just working through memories of abuse, trying to get things straight in your head, gaining more understanding about issues, learning how to change for the better, just by doing these things you start changing. You can't help it, it comes naturally without you having to do anything. You believe you should stop having pity for him, and maybe you might one day. But it will happen like it's happening now, you won't have to force the anger to come or the pity to go away, just be continuing your healing work, then your feelings will naturally change. Knowing how you feel about things and being able to act, rather than react, these things are the things that will push you forward and help you to do the right actions at the right time.
The issue of your brother and the other children in your family is worrying. I need to re-read your post and see what you said about what your family already know about him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): Brilliant Bugs, absolute brilliant.. your totally spot on about everything. I totally agree, but I thought it was too soon to say such things. Your very in tune with (what shall we call you) Mr Banker, you know every time just what he needs to hear to push things forward. Mr Banker, I never answered your question and this is why...
""Is it as bad as rape".. now I have to stop and think, that is a very, very deep question...."
Bugs has given you the answer to the question. I hope you can understand it and take it all in. As you said, this all takes you out of your comfort zone, and I'm not as brave as Bugs, but it all needed to be said eventually. We are right here, you also have your journal to write your thoughts and feelings down, and you also have your counsellor. So step by step, together we will move forward, and your not doing this all alone.
Take care of you always.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): Dear Poster
Thanks for the update. I am happy to hear that you have started your journal; yes, please keep it pass word protected as it is your very confidential personal journal.
I read about the difficult situation with the child and I also read Bug's suggestion towards family protection; It sounds like a very good suggestion; I think you should just talk to your therapist before you call the family meeting to inform them; but yes, you will have to inform them; it will be difficult and you will have to prepare yourself for there reaction, but it will be another hurdle to overcome in your road of recovery; you owe it to yourself and the innocent children to have him exposed to the immediate family.
It is normal for you to have feelings of disgust towards him and yes, your attitude and behavior towards him will change lots; I am very happy to hear he can already notice it; that is a good sign of your progress; keep going on your road of recovery and healing; you have taken control of your life and are on a wonderful road of finding your true self.
Keep looking in the mirror, you will see the changes and feel them. Repeat the affirmations often and keep writing in your journal. Always make sure you practice the 1 st rule of anger management; specially should you get confronted by your brother.
Best wishes and lots of smiles to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBugs,You are my greatest dream and my biggest nightmare at the same time. You understand everything, analyse it with your super brain, and then throw it in my face for me to handle but with a delicate touch and objectivity that makes me sit up and listen.With you and generally - the thing that I'm doing right now is, moving out of my emotional comfort zone. Like seeking professional advice from people who have been way too candid for me. Sitting through my brother's dinner silently to watch my own feelings. And listening you are all part of the same process.So here's my answer: You are right about my brother and me. Perfect analysis. (though I will qualify that in the end)Mom has this habit of beating the same thing into you over and over. If she feels good about something - it becomes great! Unfortunately it runs in the opposite direction as well. So.. his being weak at studies, breaking rules (like smoking/drinking/bunking etc) were tackled in a very reactionary way. And as a pre 14 year old I did feel pity for him all the time.I think after that I went more with the flow of what I felt and I think here I underwent shock. (technically I don't understand these terms)... but what I'm realising is this:I have retained feelings from those times and they have stayed with me forever. So this sense of hurt/guilt/betrayal/lack of protection which got engraved after the incident has also stored the pre incident feelings with them. Maybe the pity from my pre abuse period is also stuck there...Bugs, tell ya what.. I've been thinking as I was writing.. I need to take a break here and think... but I'm sure of one thing.. this feeling of pity for him has been a continumm.. I have never stopped feeling sorry for WHAT HE WAS AND WHAT HE IS.... I can't believe myself !!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): Please trust my instincts.I have rarely been wrong about a guy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): You are not 14 anymore.You need to believe in yourself.If he ever tries physical violence again,yell the house down.Threaten him that you will call the police.Have something to save yourself at all times.A stick,Chilli powder to throw in his eyes.Be on your guard.I don't trust him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): Hey Bro,
Again lets play the same old game we have been playing right from the start.Here we go.I speculate and you correct me where ever I go wrong.
Your brother must have been the first son for your parents.You are the last kid of three.When you were born your brother lost out on the attention that he was receiving from your parents.
Not only did you look gorgeous as a baby but also showed above average levels of intelligence.Your parents were so proud of you.You became their world and they more or as well as ignored him.Or so he thought.
You guys grew up.You excelled in Studies and other hobbies.You were well known in school till the age of 14.Your brother on the other hand mustn't have studied as well as you.The pride of your parents increased in you.May be some comparisons were made.Your brother went into a deeper and deeper shell.When relatives came over glowing reports were given about you.The feeling of unloved grew in your brother.Till he did something drastic about it.He ran off with the money and jewels.He came back and he punished the reason behind his running off.You were innocent in all this.you didn't deserve this.He was too far gone to realize anything.
You are much more intelligent than me.Some where in your heart you know all this.That explains why you are not angry at your brother.You loved him and you understood what he went through.That's another reason why you get angry at your parents.You understand exactly what happened.
Does all this reasoning make what your brother did right?NO.
I have tried to put together as questions what you asked me and tried to answer.Please do get back to me if you do not agree on something and lets discuss.I value your opinion,thoughts and decisions.Heck I value you as a human being.These are my opinions.
1.Do I complain my brother to the police?
I know India very well.I assure you I do.I tried very hard to fit in as I am of mixed parentage.So I gobbled books.
Do not complain to the police.All it leads to is more heartbreak,tension and drama for the media,press and your relatives.You need to be very careful here.Its almost like walking on a tight rope.
2.How to protect the kids of your family from your brother?
Call everyone from your family.Make sure you are in a calm mood.Call your sister,Mom and dad.Leave out your brother-in-law and the kids.I don't know what kind of Indian Male he is.Its better to be safe than sorry.If he is the hole kind he would throw it in your sister's face.So leave him out of it.Pour it all out.Take them out to a private resort or something.The kids in your family need to be saved.Your brother may have changed.But you cannot take chances with someone's life.
Ask your parents how will you be able to trust your wife and kids with such a guy.Tell them they will always have a place in your home.But not your brother.
Please stop thinking about business,family.When are you going to be a little selfish and start thinking about YOUR happiness?You deserve to be happy after 14 years.You can give some money for your brother through your parents.This act in itself would be a generosity of the greatest kind.
3.Do I tell to my fiancee?
Guy!you are lucky to have a girl like her in your life.You have already shared it with her I think.I think she shouldn't share it with her family.Its your secret to share.Lets hope she feels the same way too.
4.Will I be so hurt that my sexual life will be affected?
Sex when its an act of making love-heals.You need to remember this at all times.Sex itself as a mechanical joining of body parts is meaningless.But when the same sex is an act of love between two human beings in love, its amazing and fantastic.You love her.Love leads the way.Start with small touches.Hold her hand.Hug her shoulders.When love overflows it will spill over.You don't have to worry much on that score.I do judge people well.Your fiancee is going to be your healing.Its only her family that I am worried about.If they ever come to know of this what would be their reaction?Well,let's cross one bridge at a time.
4.What happens to the business?
People living in different homes can still do business.Speak to your mom and dad.They do love you a lot.This is a test of their love.Let's see what they have to say.
Take care.Smiles and Diovan have been giving you excellent advice on healing.We are all proud of you.Its only some more miles...
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSmiles,
An update for you, I've started the journal, in a MSword file and I call it "Gaurav's Diary" . I'm going to put it in a folder and password protect it.
Today I wrote about what brought me to the journal (briefly), why am I writing . Next time I'm with it again, I'll be able to talk about my felings...
My sisters son has come to stay over. He wanted to sleep with me instead of my brother and his wife and the memories flooded my mind. I felt disgusted and dirty....
I asked him why he won't sleep in his uncle's room, he said it's hot there..then I asked him whose side of the bed he slept on the last time and he said "uncle's" ...and then I told him he can sleep in my room.... that "uncle" was listening to the whole conversation from the door..,and he returned..
Then an hour later, my nepher returned to my brother's room...telling me he's gonna sleep with them... I can't help but wonder if he is still upto his deeds... I'm concerened about these children...
Earlier my brother had his dinner in the dining room while I was sitting in the living area (part of the same room) sitting to my right..while I was staring hard at my laptop. I could hear his chewing sounds and every sound was disgusting me. I could feel he was looking at me...he is definately trying to understand my change of attitude towards him. Even his wife (who's otherwise been a loving pampering elder sis-in-law) has started responding to my hostility towards my brother in kind.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2008): Hey Bro,
Will post you tomorrow.System looks clean now.firewalls in place.God bless.
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reader, IndianGuide +, writes (29 December 2008):
Dear Friend,
I am from Delhi, age 34, IIT graduate, run a 25 cr business.
So, I really know where you are coming from. It took me some time to read and re read the entire chain.
Bugs, others are awesome.
I would like to suggest a resource that worked amazingly for me.
It helped me complete with my past. And my anger, which was with my own self (my wife got a schol to Oxbridge, I graduated at ~ bottom of my class, although I was an NTS scholar).
The program is called Landmark Education. They got centers in Delhi / Mumbai / Bengaluru.
I get paid nothing for this.
I completed with my father (what they call source relationship) and relationship with wife improved.
So work on that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2008): Dear Poster
Thanks for your update; I am very proud of you; you are doing very well; as long as we all realize it is a long road ahead; but we are here for you and yes, you can count on my support. You have done remarkably well until now and I do value your updates. Please start your journal if you have not done so yet and keep us posted. You are welcome anytime. You are very fortunate that you have the assistance and support of your fiance; that will help you lots in the future, but you must remember that you are doing this for YOU; for your future!
You are a very lucky guy, with all the support from people like Bugs and Diovan; you have a strong support system.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. Best wishes and I am sending you lots of SMILES.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDearest Bugs,
You were right about her, and deep down I knew that. You were also right about one thing ... that I'm someone who has been hurt in the past...and this was the first positive affirmation of my hurt, even though it came from someone I did not even know (and it came in context of a girlfriend). I was deeply disturbed with your post that day. I started thinking about a lot of things and that thinking process among other things pushed me to my first meeting with a psychiatrist...and I could entrust him with a secret I've kept for 14 years.
That is where the ball set rolling. I'm talking about it, because I know it was the beginning of a struggle for independence (as smile puts it), from my past.
I'm taking it slow, I'll be patient, just stand by me, I'm keen to meet myself.
Bugs, Please find time to write tomorrow, I am meeting my therapist on wednesday.
Smiles, thanks for your post. I'm working on your advice. I'm talking to myself..I'll need you through this "long" process
Update: The crying guy in the mirror now looks more like a man, who is crying for a child (instead of a child crying for being hurt himself), I'm seeing this from today only. Today was also the first time, my fiance told me she is more confident about my making it work for us then herself. This is the exact same thing I've been telling my therapist about her (that she is the one who can make it work for us). I think her reposing faith in me is helping me look at myself as a man.
I can't believe what woman are capable of, she could transform me - in this mental state - from a boy to a man with one statement.
Infact, if I look around me, all of my support is coming from women folk, you guys are great. Thanks for being here.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2008): Dear Poster
I am very happy to read in your update that the COMMUNICATION between you and your fiancé is improving. It will get better as you let go of the past and clear more and more of the old emotions and feelings you were holding on subconsciously; you are now cleaning your mental house; room by room and it is creating room for new feelings and emotions.
Yes, it will take time to recover fully; but you are in the process and by the sounds of it you are doing remarkably well. Keep doing those little exercises as I suggested; you will only benefit from it; keep going to your therapy that is very important.
Okay, so you are confused as to why you do not feel hatred towards your brother at the moment? At this stage your anger is directed towards others, but as you are healing and working through the processes towards recovery, you will experience your emotions and feelings change lots; and it will shift from one person to another; it will also ultimately be aimed towards your brother; it does not happen suddenly; healing is a slow process and emotions and feelings have no “timing”; ALWAYS remember, practice and apply RULE 1 of ANGER MANAGEMENT.
For so many years you felt guilty about what happened; for so many years you were protecting your brother; you have for so many years pretended that all was okay; you had to get along and you even felt sympathy towards him; you support and help his family; he deceived you and you had no control; you were young and vulnerable; you were unsure and protected him; this will change; you will get to those deep wounds and it will bring out and reveal your emotions towards him but all with time; you are now blaming those close to you and around you to deal with the emotions as you are feeling the emotions but it is not directed towards the right person yet; you are touching the FIRST LAYERS of a very deep scar; take it SLOW and easy and allow your emotions to clear; don’t rush the process;
however, I can understand that layer number one in the scar tissue, you blame your parents for not protecting you against what happened( that is a normal reaction) and you will work through the various layers of the scar tissue and deal with emotions and feelings towards all the people involved (directly and indirectly) ; just be patient with yourself; don’t rush this; you are doing very well and keep taking care of your INNER CHILD; you are on your way to new emotional freedom.
Always remember you are FREE from the past; it has no hold over you anymore; you are reaching out to a new and happy future. Have you started a journal as I suggested; if not please do; it will help you tremendously.
You are going through the initial chaotic period and might at times feel like screaming, yelling, crying but just go with the flow and allow those emotions to go, to be RELEASED; don’t rush, in time you will replace those feelings with new once. Start listening to your heartbeat; start accepting yourself and start loving yourself; you are now paying attention to your Inner child who have been neglected for so many years; who have been suppressed and starved for attention; accept the Inner child and his needs, make peace with him and his feelings ; pay attention to those feelings and needs; write them down;
Find what for you is SOUL FOOD; the language of the soul through music, poetry, dance, or simply rhythms that honour basic life of the soul; Read the texts that serve you in this way; return to them daily; perhaps writing them out to encourage you.
Accept your wounds and accept the healing process; you are now letting go of the old survival mechanisms which you have developed in the past to protect you; you are now LETTING GO of the attachments to the past and the coping styles of the past;
You are creating room for new relationships, new emotions, new ENERGY.
You are widening your listening capacity, your heart and mind connection; creating room for new understandings and accepting the invitations and opportunities life offers you.
I am sending you lots positive wishes and many SMILES.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2008): Hey bro,
Diovan meant it as a joke.It was her sense of humor to lighten you up.
My system crashed.:(.I am typing from a cyber cafe.The service center might repair it today.The minute I get it done,I am going to type a long reply to you.
See you have got friends here who don't think wrongly of you.Who think you are a great guy.Diovan thinks you are clever.I feel bad you know why?India lost out on a honest to goodness IAS officer like you.
I am thanking the lord for your fiancee being in your life.If you noticed from the first,I always had a good opinion about her except for her being snobbish to your family.I am a good judge of character aren't I?:-)
So take care,watch some funny movies.Watch some romantic movies.If possible take your fiancee along.
I will get back to you with my answer once my system gets repaired.Till then May the good lord heal you with his peace.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDiovan..just a clarification.. I never ever had any thoughts abt killing "anyone"...I love my parents
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI had a long chat with my fiance on the events of last 2 weeks between us...
We did a threadbare analysis of what happened and what we will do going forward, be honest about our feelings, speak to each other at the outset (and not when it comes to a head)... we discussed everything like mature individuals...and this time I could speak about my feelings in a very candid way.
I'm going to work on yoga divon..and yes even I'm seeing the displacement of all the feelings from those times to now...in every single one of my relationships. I've somehow packaged that anger / frustation / betrayal inside me and directed it towards everyone else except the abuser....
Now I need to understand "WHY" this happened. You guys may be experts / knowledgeable... but for me to "realise" it.. I need to understand reasons. Why do I not hate him even now... I think my therapist wants me to hate him (she was surprised that I said something which showed I didn't)... .. and to be honest...there's a sense of disgust about myself..that I don't hate him even now....
As a 28 yr old,,,I know I can come around to forgive him...but why don't I hate him now..when I know for the first time ..that he abused me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): Anger.. your brother hurts you... so you get angry and feel betrayed by your parents??... for your brother, no anger, just a sense of pity? That's what you said. Your angry, but the anger has moved to a different place. Natural, these things are working through your mind, your doing well. You now have the emotion anger, you know what it is and what it feels like. That is enough, life is long.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): He's very clever Bugs, it takes a lot of hard work to flunk something by something as little as 0.05%.... Now that takes a lot of hard work to do that. It's so difficult not to get it wrong and actually just pass the exam with 0.05% points over... again, I know, I understand... I understand very well... but we have done with failure, sabotage, secrets, pretending, we have done with all of that. I know it's hard, the emotions the anger and everything, that's what yoga is for. The deep calming breath, finding your centre, taking yourself away like smiles says and talking to yourself in the mirror. Tricks and techniques, things you can do yourself, things that nobody can take away from you. You are your best friend now, and don't forget it.
Remember and repeat daily your mantra, to help you cope. BACKOFF. Rule 1: Backoff. stop, think, TAKE a look at the BIG PICTURE (courtesy of agony aunt smiles)
B Breathe
A Adapt
C Calm down-and remain that way
K Keep Cool
O Organize your thoughts
F Feel your feelings
F Forgive yourself and the other person
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): Guy! you rock! You are one of the best posters I have ever seen.That's the spirit.
This is the toughest battle of your life.YOU CAN DO IT!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou guys are again making me cry... you are right.. they are not responsible except that they gave birth to him..
I'll tell you what I told my therapist. I felt this sense of betrayal when he beat me after the "first time"... and I felt the same sense of betrayal from my family.
When I would not speak / dance / crack jokes / wise-crack / sing...(all that I used to do)....and my parents wouldn't ask me WHY. They just said "he is growing up"...and I refused to grow. They said...he is going to be an IAS officer...and I took the exam and flunked it by "0.05%" marks (I'm sure my subconscious made me do it). This was when I was 26.
She tells me..it is a sense of betrayal I have in me..I'm sure she is going to tell me things that you guys already told me now...that I should not blame them.
AND TAKE CHARGE...I will do it with a smile...
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): Hee Hee.
Hey Anon,
I liked Diovan's answer better than mine.Diovan and me are telling you the exact same thing in different words.I suggest you read her earlier answer.Tough love is exactly what you need at this moment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): Damn Bugs, cultural issues again.. Alright..
I can sympathise I know exactly what you mean. I am an only child, I had many brothers and sisters who died before I was born, so I can understand about people wanting to protect you and at the same time suffocating you. I'm also from a traditional family, so I understand about family duties and all of that crap, I mean important stuff..
But you want to grow up, so this is what you need to do. You need to take responsibility for yourself, and not in a harsh or angry way, that's why I told you to smile. Little by little it will get easier, and they will leave you alone to get on with your things. But you nobody gets maturity, independence and freedom, it's not given to you on a plate, you must fight for it yourself, you must take it, even if it will at times make other people unhappy. I would have thought that getting married would have made things easier, because you can't be a child and also play husband to this woman. But if Bugs says no I believe her. You must take responsibility for your life, you can't change the parents, but you can definitely change yourself. Do your things, and turn things around and start doing things for them instead. They will hate it, and then maybe the will understand how you feel, but even if they don't at least you will be able to experience some of the giving, instead of all the receiving, and at least you'll be trying to do something different.
Please respect and honour your parents, you know they are trying to do their best because they love you, and besides it's illegal to try and kill them, somebody will find out and everybody will cry... Count to 10 or maybe 100 and walk away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): Hey Bugs, where did you come from, I was first, you jumped my place in the queue.. lol
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): Sorry babes.. but please look at this statement carefully..
"THEY ARE RESPONSIBLE ...for my state of extreme anger"
Who is responsible???.... your a grown adult man, you ALLOW THEM to do things for you, you make the CHOICE to let them interfere with your life.. then you turn around and blame them... WHO IS RESPONSILBE???
Your life, your choice, your decisions.. If you want them to stop it's easy, just takes one little word, or two if you want to be polite. You want to grow up and run your own life and do things for yourself, well back to the mirror. Today's lesson is learning how to say NO THANKS, you can practise it, try doing it without shouting and put a smile on your face.
To become independent and self sufficient, first you need to take RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOU, you want your life different, then choose to be different, they do things for you because you CHOOSE to allow them too... You are now an adult, you will grow up, once you try to practise what I said and check that you make the decisions and take the blame for thins that are happening in your life right now. Children don't come with a manual, in many ways they really have tried to do their very best by you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): Hey Anon,
Thanks for answering my question.Aunt Diovan had a great point there.Your brother was more worldly wise than you.But I need to take into consideration him as well.I am still thinking about all the questions you asked me.The situation is really complicated.Please give me some time.
Regarding your parents,that's what every Indian parents who really love their children do.
I understand you want to grow up and become independent.I understand they are trying to stop you from growing up and handling things on your own.Instead of lashing out at your dad,try thinking about it from his perspective.He did it out of love.Not to make you feel helpless.I am going to tell you things as it is.
Its very easy to blame your parents.But please don't.You need to stay strong.They seem very loving.They just thought people become shy after they come of a certain age which is very common in India.
You need to remember that lashing out in anger to your parents will not heal you.Please tell them lovingly that you want to do things yourself and to respect your wishes.If not they will start thinking that its the girl who has changed you.Again a very common scenario in India.
You are right.Its unreasonable anger.Your parents did nothing wrong except giving birth to your brother.You need to forgive them for it.Tough as it sounds you need to make your peace with them for having your brother as son and about not looking too much into your withdrawal.
Forgiveness heals you too.Next time you feel angry instead of lashing out at them,tell them that you would be back.Go to your room,count up to 20.pray.do anything but get that anger out of your system.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are right...I must take it slow...
Looked at my anger issue today...I lashed out at my dad for cleaning my car when I had not asked for it.
This is something my therapist calls- "My letting them protect me because I needed protection when I was young and did not get it". My parents do things for me, that parents of 14 yr olds are supposed to do...like fetching food, repairing cars, buying cloths etc.
I also lash out and yell at everyone at home (except my brother) like a 14 yr old.
Today I noticed my feelings...the feelings I had were 3 fold:
* Frustation, that they don't understand me ever.
* They are sensitive to their needs alone, even though they do all the things for me, yet they do it to make me feel bad about myself. (Told him he makes me feel incapable of doing anything)
* They are responsible for my state of extreme anger. I'm angry because I'm immature (I'm feeling that ! ) and I'm immature becasue of them. Because they let me stay alone at home and did not help me grow into an adult in various ways.
These are the unreasonable feelings I have...feelings which have nothing to do with the reason I'm angry.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): You are receiving excellent assistance and advice, but I just want to share this with you.
Eleanor Roosevelt said:
" COURAGE is more exhilirating than fear and in the long run it is easier. We do not have to become heroes overnight. Just a step at a time, meeting each thing that comes up, seeing it not as dreadful as it appeared, discovering we have the STRENGHT to stare it down".
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): Dear Poster
I have just read your updates and thought I will just mention the following in case it might be of assistance.
During your process of healing and recovering your inner peace, you will experience and deal with various emotions; anger being one of them; but you have to deal with these emotions and let go of them in order to find your ultimate recovery of the wounds inflicted; however, dealing with anger is not something you must do blindly.
Anger is often the result of past trauma and emotional regression and shame; as in your case; it is a very normal for you to feel angry towards the person who have inflicted the wounds and caused you harm; I want to urge you to deal with the anger in a very emotionally mature way. To help you I suggest you follow the steps normally suggested with anger management. There are normally eight Golden Rules of anger Management; Let us start with rule One;
Rule 1: Backoff. stop, think, TAKE a look at the BIG PICTURE
B Breathe
A Adapt
C Calm down-and remain that way
K Keep Cool
O Organize your thoughts
F Feel your feelings
F Forgive yourself and the other person
I suggest for now, follow these steps; try and not act on your anger feelings at this stage; calm down and start writing down your feelings; get yourself a journal and start writing how you feel and WHY you feel that way; it is very important that you get your thoughts organized; the more you talk about your feelings and write it down the easier this will become; in time to come it might be necessary for you to talk to your brother; to have a confrontation, but not yet; only once you are much stronger on your road of recovery; when you reach that stage, I suggest it might be good if it is done with the assistance of your counselor/therapist. For now, I suggest you first work and deal with the emotions and the feelings that you have suppressed for so long; organizing your own thoughts and building your own self esteem.A journal will be very helpful and is very important to help you to clear all the various emotions you will experience on your road of recovery. Write in your journal and write to us; it is all part of recovering; of clearing the unwanted bottled up emotions.
As the legal systems in all countries are different, I cannot give you advice on the question as to the punishment for the crimes committed, but I do know in SA it is punishable and suggest you speak to your counselor about it and if need be in time, get legal advice about it; write down all your options, and the affects of each one on YOU, then the rest of your family;I do suggest you don't do anything yet; the FIRST priority is to get you stronger on your road of healing and then, you with your therapist can decide how to deal with your brother. Your FOCUS now, must be on dealing and healing your INNER CHILD; YOU need to recover and you need to be set free from the hurt and the pain; the emotions bottled up all these years; make room for new emotions in your life; time to venture into new beginings.
If you feel like it, take a cushion; punch it, pretending you are punching him; it will help you to free yourself from the anger; Try to follow the First Rule of Anger Management and start writing in a journal.
Take good care of YOURSELF and I am sending you lots of positive wishes and SMILES.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): "Is it as bad as rape".. now I have to stop and think, that is a very, very deep question....
Rape and pedophilia, abuse of any kind is never about sex, it is always about POWER... I'll get back to you, I know you don't understand.... I need to think, your question is very hard. What makes it harder is that it involves a brother who is very close in age to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): Slow down babes, it all can't be done in a day. Understanding first, learning to love and accept second, the hate, the family, the financial arrangements, who to tell... all this comes much, much later.. Rome wasn't built in a day, you have a long way to go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDivon I went through your last post again...
I don't think I fully understand the crime pedophiles commit. Is it as bad as rape, should it be equally punishable. Is it punishable after so many years. I don't understand so much...therefore I don't know how to hate the person who abused me.
I know my life would have turned out differently, I would've been happier, had more friends, more love and belonging, had he not done that. But I don't know why I'm sympathising with the abuser...maybe I don't understand the gravity of his crime.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBugs dear,
No she doesn't know I'm in therapy. She has been apologetic for all the doubts that "I" was going through.. all I have been telling her is..no darling I'm sorry.. I'm responsible..you've been patient, thanks for being there.
At this point she has to tell somethings back to her family..if I explain it to her she would understand...but her family may not. I'm thinking this is not unfair to her, tell me is it esential to tell her NOW. I'm planning to tell her later..once I'm ready.
And Yes..this post is my "personal key" now. I'm working on every single sincere advice. I'm reading "smiles" over and over...as well as others.
Smiles,
Thanks for being so considerate for a stranger. You're time and effort will help immensely.I will work on what you wrote.
I will FOCUS on healing now. I have started loving my crying (erstwhile ugly) image in the mirror. I have sympathy (as if I'm another person) with the child that was. I'm also not suppressing any thought / any emotion anymore.
Dear Pvtguy,
Thanks for your post.
I need to understand the meaning of "pressing out buttons". But even without knowing it I have said, that she has been the reason that I came to the brink and decided about therapy. I've known a few women in life, and as soon as they would start to get emotionally close to me, I would withdraw. My reasoning to me was "she is not good enough for me". I did that with one of the best girl in town on this pretext (unbelievable but true). The reality was, I was scared to let anyone get close. This my friend, was an arranged marriage situation. We were supposed to get close once we were engaged. It should have been normal, but in denial, i could never imagine that this would happen again. Now comes a lady who is confident and mature, and she gets close...the fear starts again..and started looking for excuses to run away. But then my professional relationships were also on rocks...and I realised there was a common factor in the middle of all this. "ME" ... my fiance being patient and forgiving wasn;t helping matters :) And I decided I had to find out.
I accept what you said about her opening up. That could be a possibility...i'm coming around to that.
Your last paragraph is now part of my "personal key" to successful marriage. I have this written in my diary. Thanks
Dear Divon,
Thanks for your stop watch..it helped..and I'm glad we've put it away.
I'm working on Chi Kung and Yoga...your saying it reinforces it's importance. I will keep going on this.
I'm going through the acceptance phase..my sub-consious needs to accept the statement my therapist said to me in a measured tone last time "You were abused".... and that was a first for me..I never thought of it this way...I broke down and could not stop crying. On a logical plane, I understand and accept it...yes "I was abused" and "I did not ask for it"...I did not deserve it..and "he did it knowing what he was doing fully well" (NO WAIT I DOUBT THIS LAST STATEMENT..he was just 19).
But because he is family, because his family depends on me financially (to some extent), my parents are connected to him (one of their 2 sons...works with my dad in his business...and which will not run if he is to seperate...he may legally ask for property as well)...and mainly because he will be destroyed (I fear)...the family will be affected... if I "really" start hating him...MAY BE.. this is the reason why I can't start hating him.
Maybe it is just my brotherly love for him... I need to disconnet and hate..O god..I'm again going through an intenal struggle..and I see no easy way out. I will end of destroying the family. More help needed..specailly on the my feelings (as they should be) towards him.
Divon..I will read your last post again.Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): "There is a level of lack of disgust in me for my brother. I'm trying to understand why I feel regret for being mean to him. Why I feel sorry for him"
Normal, especially in sexual abuse within families. Familes are where we learn to love, where we feel most safe, where we are protected and defended. When abuse occurs, it is very common to try to protect the abuser (your brother) from any pain. Why, because he's your brother, and brother's protect brother's, that's what brother's do. You want to love him, because that is what a good brother should do, so it's easier to forget, change yourself , make excuses for him, keep silent, anything to protect him and keep him safe from harm. That's the problem with abuse, abusers make you feel that you are in the wrong. You keep having normal loving feelings, you still want to keep a normal family relationship with him. He knows this, and that's why he abuses you and others, he works on your decency to hurt you, because he knows that you will still look after him, because you are good and kind.
Normal behaviour in kind loving people. You find it difficult to hate, just like you find it difficult to hurt. It's just not in your nature.... But you need to realise, that you deserve to be love, you deserve to be protected from harm, you deserve good things. You deseve to have as much goodness in life as your brother. You are not lesser than him, you have both been born equal. It's not fair for you to suffer at his hands. He is not God, he should suffer consequences. HE HAD NO F***ing right to hurt you and mess up your life. You, your life, your body, your welfare, all these things are important as well....
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): Hey solider, please stick close to your therapist, she will be a rock throughout all of this. as you can see you are changing, so much is coming out, the feelings that you mentioned, your world is spinning upside down, you can't stop crying... NORMAL, NORMAL, NORMAL.. it's all normal, this is the healing process, your looking at the past, your trying to make sense of it, you want change, you want healing, you want happiness and joy in your life, you want to stop being scared...
I haven't even been able to respond properly before, so much hurt and pain, so much injustice. These things make me very, very angry, but it's not good for me to scream and shout, at the moment, it's not that you need from me, and besides, I've got to be good, I might get myself banned if I put down what I really think about your brother...
Anyway, can you keep on with the yoga. As you know yoga is very, very forgiving and healing. It accepts you just as you are, and with very little effort, but a lot of hard work, you change for the better, inside and out. Please keep up your yoga if it helps, it should give you a stronger centre and allow you to deal with the emotions that keep passing through you.
Crying and tears are normal, you cry for the pain that you received from somebody trusted, you cry for the betrayal done to you, you cry because all this has changed you in ways that your too confused to see. Hang on to this thought. The pain, the emotions, the suffering, most of this is for the child you WERE, not the man you have become. Your safe now, nobody can hurt you in that way again. You couldn't fight back before, you didn't understand, somebody trusted turned into an lying snake. But that was before, now your here with us, your an adult, you have a great future, you have a woman who you love, and you believe loves you. So much joy and happiness to come. Your healing slowly, your getting stronger.
How do I know... Well, many, many men get abused and they keep it secret, they never, ever tell anyone. They are too ashamed. But you are a strong man, not only do you tell the counsellor, but you've come here and told us, a bunch of strangers. It takes a strong character to do that. You no longer keep secrets, you feel no need, you've done nothing wrong, you know that, you know that you are the person who has been hurt. You are strong and proud, and you can tell the world, my brother is wicked, he hurt me, he hurt others, I've done nothing wrong, but I need to tell about the wrong that he has done. Your strong, you want to heal, and with time you will, your healing already. Keep remembering, that all of that happened to a little child, but your a man, and you fight back and reclaim your life in anyway you can.
Your post has touched me deeply, I feel tons of emotions as I read it. All the emotions you describe, the betrayal, the confusion, the curiosity, the fear, the shame, the guilt.. All of this I understand, these feelings are very normal. They are caused by abuse by somebody you love and trust.
Remember always, that you are a strong man, you are a man who has been hurt, but you are a man who has got on and done the best with his life. You are a man who gives and receives love, you are a man who is brave, who can stand up, tell the truth, and even though it hurts, you can tell your secrets if it helps to make your future better.
Be proud of yourself, be very, very proud. I know it hurts now, but your strong, you can deal with this, you can heal and get better, because your doing the hard things to get you to the right place of healing in your future. Thanks for coming on board and telling us all of this. Many men are in your situation, they don't tell, they keep secrets and they never, ever learn how to get help to heal. Thank you for helping them as well with your story. You are a very brave and strong guy, you should be proud of yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): DiovanLestat throws away clock, it's no longer needed, the wedding is on... YIPPIE....
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): Hey,
Did you read Aunt Smiles's post?Please read it again.
Can you please answer if your fiancee knows that you are undergoing therapy?Does She know anything about what happened in the therapy?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Bugs,
Thanks for standing by me.
I know the post started with my doubts about my fiance. Then I started undergoing therapy. Now the best thing that happened was...all the extremities of thoughts and ideas in all directions were available to me here by way of advice from agony aunts and uncles. There were some really beautiful, moderate suggestions from some like bugs/gina/divon too.
I think all the flux helped me make a qucik move ahead with my therapist and we have moved fast across my feelings and thoughts. The discussion here mirrors my sessions with this lady...and she made me see how my thoughts were contradictory and were coming from inside.
Please note..I have understood that I am in love with my Fiance...I have made the decision to spend the rest of my life with her. She IS the healing force in my life...she will be the one.
I'm now trying to deal with my past...my brother.
Now, to take the story forward, during my session today, we discovered a very strange thing. There is a level of lack of disgust in me for my brother. I'm trying to understand why I feel regret for being mean to him. Why I feel sorry for him...my therapist felt there was no reason to feel sorry for him. But then we have to watch my thoughts more closely. I HAVE accepted that I was abused...but somewhere (as I said earlier)... it has not sunk in to reach my sub-conscious mind.
I have this and my anger towards him to watch for the next week. Also, I've been asked to free myself from the general forced protection I receive from my dad...like his doing my chores / getting my car serviced. Thirdly, I have to watch my feelings when I get unnecessaril angry.
Please keep coming in with suggestions on how to deal with it...how to make it sink...how to move effectively in the healing process...etc.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): May I please request the aunts/uncles to read the entire story before posting?
Its a very complicated post.The Poster is a great guy.He has decided that he loves the girl.He needs help in deciphering what to do with his past.
I don't find anything wrong with him.He is far better than the average Indian Male that I have seen on TVs and read in news papers.
Now Bro,If you have read my answers in other questions you should know that my compliments are not given lightly.Smile Now.Eee...Aah....Uhhhuu...
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reader, Arianz  +, writes (26 December 2008):
 Dear BRO,
I am very stright fwrd guy...........
She is ur fiance not wife ok...
so better leave her if ur not comfortable with her.
cause if ur Discomfort will run in ur married life then it will be more HELL.........
so its better to have proper tretment before u get MAD.
Don't try to change her cause i think ur not effective prson for her. she is a lawyar u can't do anything in front of her.
So if u dont feel love fo her thn better LEAVE HER IMMIDIATLY...................
BEST OF LUCK BUDDY
take care
arianz
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): I find all the aunts on DearCupid are wonderful.You have been receiving help from the best amongst them.Diovan,Smiles and Gina.I would like to thank them from my heart for their valuable input and advice.
I am unsure how to proceed.I am sorry I am taking a little time here.I want to be very sure as to what I am saying doesn't harm you or any one else in any way.No,I am not thinking about your brother at all in any way.For me he is just a poor excuse of a human being and is not worth my thoughts.
Can you please answer if your fiancee knows that you are undergoing therapy?Does She know anything about what happened in the therapy?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): Dear Poster
You have received great assistance and advice. I am very happy to hear that you are in therapy. Please continue with that. You might be experiencing various emotions whilst dealing with the issues from your past. It is very normal and natural and yes, it is part of the healing process; let it go, feel free to express those emotions as it is part of setting yourself free. Yes, for many years you have been suppressing your feelings; you had all these memories and emotions bottled up and suppressed in your sub-conscious, but now it is time to let it out, to let it go; no more suppressing it; no more hiding it; no more PUNISHING yourself in the present moment because your brother hurt you in the past. Time to resolve the resentment; time to FOCUS on the healing. YOU ARE NO LONGER A HELPLESS VICTIM; you have taken your power back; you are on the road to recovery and healing.
It is a long and slow process, but it is rewarding and you will reap the benefits. Be patient and follow the guidance of your therapist.
Start approving and loving yourself; make peace with yourself; this will create a space of safety, trusting and accepting; it will help you to create more loving relationships in your life. Self acceptance and self approval is main keys to positive changes in every area of our lives. Stop criticizing yourself and start forgiving yourself. You were the victim for long enough; not just when you were young, but then all these years, you victimized yourself with those memories and by criticizing yourself for allowing it; now it is changing; you are moving forward; YOU are taking control of your life; you are no longer a victim of the past. You are not a failure; don't allow negative thoughts such as "I am not good enough"; you are great, you are good; start accepting and loving yourself for the wonderful person you are; SAY to yourself numerous times if negative thoughts come to mind: "The past has no power over me"!
It is no more necessary for you to live with guilt or shame; you are free from the past; you are doing emotional and mental "Housecleaning" and letting go of the unwanted bottled up emotions and memories; you are creating room and space for new experiences and love.
Your brother does sound like a dangerous person; I think you should ask your therapist for suggestions in dealing with him; but personally I suggest you make it clear to him that he has no hold over you anymore as you are no longer his victim; you have come to terms with what happened; you cannot change it, but you don't have to be a prisoner of the past; you are moving forward and you are free. To me, the most important for now, is for you to recover and heal from the wounds inflicted in the past; for you to let go of those emotions and for you to make peace that what happened cannot be changed, but that you are free from it and that you can move forward;
This is a slow process and does not happen quick, but you will start feeling the difference and will notice the difference in your self esteem and self confidence as your healing progress; you will have much more room for experiencing love and new emotions; you don't have to hold onto the limitations inflicted by your past. You are free!
Go to a mirror; look yourself in the eyes; say to yourself loud: " The past has no hold over me; I am free; I love and approve of myself; I am looking forward to a bright new future"! Please do that, a few times a day; it always helps!
Best wishes in your road of recovery; with lots of good wishes for happiness in your future.
Always keep SMILING!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBefore the other aunts and uncles log in..let me say something more about my feelings in those times:
The reason that I am trying to give myself..for being quite for so long is this. After the first time, during which I was
"Scared" (FEAR)
I think somewhere I was
"Curious"
and out of curiosity I let him continue.. and it scared me more and more each time...that's when the
"guilt"
settled in and I started feeling
"responsible"
for whatever was happening. This was the main reason I never spoke about it in the first place...after this I could never start and the thing has always stayed inside me.
He was following my reactions closely and was also scared that I will tell everyone...but then he saw I wouldn't...and then followed the period during which he attacked me verbally and physically...beating me to pulp at one time..I had lost my confidence to lift my hand at him..and I could never ever do that with anyone in my life (even now I get scared if anyone as much as yells at me..and there is no way I could touch anyone let alone fight)...I lost (remember I was also young and weak)...and the feeling was that of
"betrayal"
because I thought he is the one who has done it and he too was responsible..thus he should stand by,..and this strengthened the feeling of guilt inside me. Around this time..I went from a vocal / sharp / extroverted 14 year old to an introverted / shy / slightly dumb guy. The transformation was quick and stark. People in the distant family noticed and asked sometimes what happned..but my own family reasoned "he is growing up". I thought at some point my family should have helped me...protected me..and the sense of
"betrayal"
kept strengthning. I kept away from all family parties / weddings / get togethers for the next 14 years...liked the
"isolation"
but there was something in the back of my mind reminding me of the betrayal...I started
"blaming"
my family for what happned to me..but by this time I had already forgotten what had happened. It was hidden behind a defensive wall that I had created in my mind.
Now those feelings up there... fear, betrayal, blaming others, isolation....they are still here and define my personality.
The healing needs are multi fold... but the root is singular... what I want and need is complete healing based on thruth...I need long term relief and I need a few friends.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): Dear Aunts/Uncles,
It has gone way beyond being just an Indian Issue.We have victims of Pedophiles all over the world.Please do provide your valuable suggestions and insights.Please help out the poster.He needs all of us right now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): Sorry Mr.Anonymous I met one of the bad guys from India on DearCupid on another link.So got caught up.I am planning to mail my friends on DearCupid to help you out.I think We need their experience and valuable insight as well.I am sure you wouldn't mind.Please wait for some time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsomeone please say something
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry.. I went to sleep after writing.
He is 5 years elder to me. (he is 33)
But back when I was 14 (had just hit puberty)..I did not know anything at all about my private parts. I was unaware and uninitiated. He at 19...had run away from home once (when he was 16) ...almost drugging my parents to death, took away all the savings of the family (jewellery and cash) and ran away with some goons. He came back 15 days later with little money left....they obviously did everything possible under the sun in that period. He was obviously educated and in all the wrong ways.
I was the clean / pure / innocent / good boy of the family. I was the apple of my parents eyes....he hated me for that. It was his redemption or he was just experiementing.....whatever he did...I was scared..I thought he has stabbed me..and I'm going to die..I wanted to call out to my dad...but no voice would come out of my mouth...and then it happened again and again..and I could never speak up
..he did it and I have suffered 14 years for it. He did the same thing (I don't know the details just heard from mom that he did something....) with some other kids in the family...so much that people stopped sending their children to our home. None of our cousins would sleep over at our place.
Now ... however...is a different story. He is a failure in life... he still goes aroud town flirting with women from call center girls to girls in distant family.... his wife and one kid are here unaware of what he is. He yells and beats her sometimes. She is the epitome of patience and forgiveness.... I can't pretend not to like her. SHe is an amazing person..and he does not deserve her... or his daughter.
You know..thoughts have crossed my mind...what if he does it with his daughter? That has been my biggest fear over the last year or so.She is just 4...he can still do it...how will anyone protect her for the next decade or so.
I couldn't protect myself..and I never had the confidence that I could protect anyone..I'm myself in a phase where I've been looking for protection...(now it is coming from you, my fiance and my therapist).... I don't know what to do to get over with it...I know it's all in the past...but there is another mind inside our heads...which never forgets anything....and it's stuck there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2008): I am still online.How old is your brother?I am reading your answer again and again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBugs,
The flood gates have literally opened for me. I asked my doc today...if so much crying will weaken me. She has asked me to just be aware why I'm crying.
And I cried reading your post. I've never been supported like that in my entire life. There is my Fiance on one side (seems as if she silently understands everything and supports me with all her might), there's the therapist...I cry like a baby in front of her, and forget she too is a human being, but she stands by and lets me be..she was shaken but was very strong through the session and almost had me say I was not responsible....this time she was the one who said it...
And now..there's you...suddenly I'm growing from that age of 14 years upwards...and I can feel myself grow at a rapid pace...and god has been kind ...I've got so many pepople supporting me in their own ways.
I've been lonely 14 long years, stayed quite, kept reading 100's of books ...stayed alone at home...never said a word to anyone...I practically stopped growing as a human being..only my factual knowledge was increasing by leaps and bounds.
I can't connect with people...there is not one friendship that I have...I'm acquainted with 1000's but no one knows me...I know no-body.
It's a process...I've come to realise that I was not responsible..but it needs to sink in. Why I didn't say anything to anyone... i need to answer my conscience. There's some distance to cover..it will take time.
I think I will need more help..though the context has changed. I know why you mentioned "making love" here. I have ofcource, not been emotionally or physically close to anyone in this life....except the bast**** as you rightly call him. That, at 14, was my first and only sex education. I'm very scared about my own feelings post marriage. (I can ofcource postpone touching her till the time of our marriage on the pretext of being a "decent guy" (loser)....as I've done all my life..this time though I will know my reasons).
Post marriage, I don't know how I might react....what is your view on this...staying away till therapy is on is the right thing or is there any other way.
Another independent view from you... apart from professional help...what can "I" do to heal faster and completely. I don't want to cover anything up now...ever.
Should I tell my fiance / wife (after marriage) about my past...and when?
Last and Most important...and it's very complicated....I still live in the same house as the bastard...he is my own brother...he and my dad have a common business. The business is in dire straits because of him. I support the family financially to some extent. (including his family). If I force this joint family ro seperate, there will be situations...like split in business, houses, dad and mom might want to live with me / him /alone... and will always hold me responsible for breaking up the family. Who will support my parents financially (I would like to...but what abt business then)//....etc etc......... I don't expect you to be able to answer now..maybe some other time...
An update on "us": We met today after almost a week and had a great time. Went to the church and lit a candle... even though we are not catholics...we prayed for each other. I love her..and I am sure ..as I'm sure about my existence..that she loves me too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2008): "I love her, and now I know that for a fact better then any other time.... and "I" will make it work...and it's not just "she" who would. I will make it work for the both of us,,,and we will have a great future."
Dear Poster,
I am feeling so angry- not at you but for you and along with you.Angry at that ******* who is making you go through this pain.Angry at that ******* who prevented you from enjoying one of the best anticipatory moments of your life.
You wouldn't believe that I am crying for you.But I am.Pedophiles are dime a dozen in India.If I were the one making the laws I would castrate them.I am sorry for such strong words.One of my friends was abused sexually during her childhood.She was never able to enjoy sex.She is divorced.Hers was a very conservative community.She couldn't tell her husband.She couldn't go to a psychologist.All I could feel was a helpless anger as she hugged me after her divorce and cried out the entire story to me.All I could do was cry along.He was dead you see.I couldn't go and tear his mask that he portrayed for the society.
First step.There's nothing wrong with you.You never did anything wrong.You didn't ask for it.I want you to repeat these words to yourself like a Mantra.I am not just saying this,you are a good guy.I feel blessed to have helped you out.
Time heals.I am glad that you are getting the professional help.I am glad that you are having such a girl in your life who is standing by you and for you.I can speak for all of the aunts in my friends list-We are all rooting for you.You are strong Mr.Anon.You can definitely make it.Heck! you have come so far.You stood strong and is courageous enough to get help.You have won half the battle Mr.Anon.Rest half may be difficult.But the battle is on.We are all there with you.Do not let that bas**** who abused you win.
If he is still alive,keep him away from your wife and children.It would be your duty to protect them.You need not fear any one.I repeat,you did nothing wrong.
Sex is beautiful Anon.Its made beautiful with the love that you feel for a person.Its the strongest bond two human beings can ever have.Its more a mingling of hearts and emotions than the bodies.You get sated only when your heart gets satisfied and overflows with love.I am a strong believer that Sex is amazing and fantastic when its not just sex but making love.You need to believe that sex is not wrong.Making love is the most wonderful language that you can speak to another person with out words.
I may not be around much.But will definitely be there when you post an update with in 3 days of your post.
Lord bless you brother.My prayers go with you.
P.S:Diovan you know me too well and what I feel about pedophiles.:-(
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2008): PS: Bugs is asleep.. but I know she will have much to say when she reads your update.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2008): Oh yea, I forgot.. Have a very merry Christmas and we wish you all the best for the new year, and for the rest of your life no matter what you choose.. Blessings
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2008): "The best of those feelings are with my fiance. She is the healing force, but I've been so insecure and scared from my past, that her getting emotionaly close to me was bringing me to the brink. She is the force which prompted me to find out more,..to delve deeper and understand myself...she has brought me out."
Thanks for your update babes, and yes bugs is great, we are so glad to have her here, especially since she understands Indian traditions..
Anyway, your update makes things more complicated, now it is also you that has personality and commitment problems. In your culture engagement, marriage and divorce are important. I need you to set yourself a deadline, say by next week. You really need to make a firm decision about this woman, either you keep her or you let her go. Please talk to her and explain your difficulties and what is going on, from all you have said about her, I'm sure she will understand and do her best to help..
Next week babes, no more time... Can you live with her for the rest of your life. Will she make you happy, can you make her happy, can you grow in strength and love and make your marriage a thing of beauty.... Your choice, but you need to make it very soon... I'm aware the clock is still ticking and the wedding is coming up. Will she make you happy for the next 50, 60years, or will you be happier without her. Can she change, can you change... your choice, but you don't have much more time left. Contact this lady and tell her your fears and what is going on.
Crying is good, it washes the dust out of the eyes and heals the heart.. Only worry about crying if that's all you do, all day and all night untill you get sick with sadness.. otherwise, crying is good, it tells us that something has hurt us.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGuys,
I want to thank you all for all the support. Specially bugs / devon... you've all been kind and patient.
I told you guys, I was undergoing therapy for some childhood issues I remembered. I can tell you now, I was abused as a child, and I could never accept that. I always thought I was at fault in someway. After 14 long years...I've come to realise, those experiences, those feelings of those few moments have stayed with me forever. I could not come out of it for so long.
The wounds are still fresh, it will take time to heal. But I'm determined. My therapist is helping me through it.
I can't stop crying, but I think it's a cleansing process...it will strengthen me.
The girl, she has stood like a rock all through this with me. My therapist would ask me, how I would feel at different moments...and the best of those feelings are with my fiance. She is the healing force, but I've been so insecure and scared from my past, that her getting emotionaly close to me was bringing me to the brink. She is the force which prompted me to find out more,..to delve deeper and understand myself...she has brought me out.
I love her, and now I know that for a fact better then any other time.... and "I" will make it work...and it's not just "she" who would. I will make it work for the both of us,,,and we will have a great future.
It will take me a little more time to get better..and I just hope everyone stands by me till I'm through...
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008): Unfair, unfair, unfair... we can't make the choice for you, you either marry her or not. That's a choice that only you alone can make..
But two things stand out big time for me, things that you have said...
"I think in light of all of the above, if she cannot completely break my spine.. she will know what is the right way to live together.. and therefore will be as much (if not more) of a force in making this relationship work"
"Her ego: It is bloated and hard to miss."
"So I'm just one short of the things I like about her....What do you guys say..."
Take the day off and don't think about the marriage at all.. Your head is spinning and you need some fun and relaxation. The yoga idea is good, that will help to clear your brain. Call her the next day and see if you. I know that the days are clicking by, and your wedding is just a couple of days away, but it's best to be sure. In your culture divorce is difficult. You and this woman have to live together a long time. It's best to be sure... Look at everything both you and us have suggested, and clearly decide if you can imagine living happily with this particular woman. Contact her and ask her why she wants to marry you, explain some of your fears about how your personalities may clash once you get married.
Then it's your choice. Can't you do what people used to do in Britain and get her to break your engagement because there is something wrong with you. That might save her embarrassment. If she doesn't respect your family, traditional society like yours, you might find this just causes further problems in your marriage. But it's your choice, all we can do is show you what we think is going on, but your the one who will either marry this woman, or explain why you can't and then leave her alone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008): I think the westerners don't understand our culture.Perhaps that's why they are keeping away.The concept of an arranged marriage may seem alien to them.
I am confused to say the least.
I do wish some aunts would read your answers and give their view points though.I respect their views a lot.
Physical chemistry is very important in a relationship.The fact that she is not beautiful comes in the list of don't like things about her.
You obviously don't like her nature.That's very clear from your answers.Seems she is beautiful in your eyes but the fact that she is not beautiful comes in your don't like list.
Not only you are confused but you have confused me to the limit.
I might seem very selfish if I say the following thing.Though it was an arranged marriage,my parents didn't approve because of his status.His dad was a driver as I told you.I went ahead and married him because...Heck!I am getting married.I am going to live with the guy physically,mentally and emotionally.Sorry to be very blunt but its not my parents who are going to live with the guy.
Divorces are still not accepted in India.Though they are increasing in their frequency.Most of the couples who don't get along still remain married.Its a life time of misery if you do not trust the one who you are going to get married.You are not able to trust her.You can deny it all you want.But that's the truth.You are scared that you won't be able to find out if she lied to you.
I don't believe in joint family system either.I firmly believe a couple need their own nest or space.My mother in law lives just 10 min away from me.We get along like a house on fire.My husband asks at times,"What do you guys talk for such a long time?.Blah.Blah.Blah".I lived with her when we were newly married.Two women who love the same guy in the same house is not good news.You are bound to have problems.Me and Mom-in-law appreciate each other more ever since I have started living in another house.
Why are you getting married?You are very very confused.The girl obviously is not treating your family well either.
I am selfish Mr.Anonymous.I put my own happiness above my parent's happiness.I am happy today.Lord save us from all that is harmful and evil.I am not very intelligent but I know for a fact that if I am not happy I can't make some one else happy either.My guy deserves to be happy.Its an entire life time together.
You are not happy with her.You wouldn't be here other wise would you?How can you make another girl happy?
I can't decide for you.I think you obviously know that.I have been giving you my perspective on life.How I have lived it.
Its time to take a decision.You either trust her and go with the marriage.Or be confused your entire life.
I wish you happiness in all that you do.All the best!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhy is there silence after my reply???
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk.. so let me continue from where I left..
5. She is someone who can be honest and yet delicate,
6. she has the courage to stand her ground in any situation.
7. She has the understanding and observation to put her finger on the issues that surround her and people around her
8. She is prompt with apologies and thank yous' .. she is also great at giving timely compliments.. (on my part I usually deliver one a tad late which kills the effect)
9. She has the maturity to alter her behaviour and control her emptions. For example she decided early in our relatioship that she is going to control her ego as much as she could... and showed me how that made a difference a number of times.
10. I think in light of all of the above, if she cannot completely break my spine.. she will know what is the right way to live together.. and therefore will be as much (if not more) of a force in making this relationship work
Now coming to the things I don't like about her..and I'll be honest here....
1. She is not a great looking gal. But what I did admire in our first meeting was the symmetry in her face. People have different difinations of beauty, mine fits her. But she is not beautiful in the conventional sense of the term.
2. Her Arguing capability... as I said earlier.. she can twist an argument in a "beautiful" way.. I know she is wrong but there is no way to prove it. However, it does not scare me.. because unless she changes substantially I would know when she is arguing with her lawyers head.. and when she is arguing with her more humane / natural head.
3. Her ego: It is bloated and hard to miss.
4. Carelessness / indifference towards me : She seems indifferent to my presence / absence. Has her own life... even though she started with telling me she had no friends... she has so much to do during the day..there is no time to talk to me. Then she meets her relatives over and over ... keeps all her weekends busy with others. Also, she always tells me she does not care about her career... yet she gives it so much time and effort.. I get frustated with this hypocrisy. She also belittles my office hours before her (non-paying) job...asking me to meet her between office hours...etc....when she knows I'm the one who cares about the career etc.
5. Hence hypocrisy... there is a lot of difference between saying I'm her world.. and then planning out weekend after weekend with her family. Saying work doesn't matter.. yet spending all her time in office...saying I respect you.. yet reading newspaper while talking to me, when she knows I can't appreciate such multi tasking...saying all her time is for me.. yet never adjusting her time to talk to me etc.
6. Her political correctness : I have not heard one wrong word from her mouth in 6 months. This scares me.. someone with so much control..could have lied all along and I would never be able to tell... I'll be way too dumb..and would figure out things much later.
7. Double Standards: A loving discussion on what will make our lives better.. she mentions "if we discuss a few things.. it will make life better" and the "few things" were really questions she wanted to ask me...starting from " Do we have to live in a joint family" (- which is a useless question..becasue she knows we already do).. to my financial position and how the finances will work. She also mentioned she would like to take a "flavor of joint family..." but does not want to live in it... but when I put my foot down ...she readily accepted saying " I will go with whatever is your decision"..
8. Her not reacting: We've had a few arguments during the last month... yet she has not reacted to even one of them. Bugs you understand the indian situation... is she waiting for the wedding to react to all the arguments we've had?? I don't know...
9. Her giving indications that she does not like my family:
She would make trite comments hidden on other discussions... like making fun of fat people.. when she knows my mom and dad are on the heavier side....saying somthing like "It must have taken a lot of effort to plan that social gathering..etc.." for my mom and dad..this on the day her dad hears that my dad is not being able to do much to help him in the wedding preparations because he was not keeping well...
So I'm just one short of the things I like about her....
What do you guys say...
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey..
the sessions have been fine (2 of them).. she is just trying to help me understand my own thoughts, find out why I'm feeling guilty for things which I could so easily ignore and not think about etc...
Anyways... you wrote a beautiful piece on a sucessful Indian marriage.. sorry I'm not being sarcastic.. it is just not reaching me at this moment.. I'm going to read it again tonight.
Coming to divon's suggestion .. let me try to list a "few" things I like about her.. and a few things I don't like abot her. Again, the limited info (no body language etc) available on written text can give you all a lot of scope to be judgemental.. but I'm understanding and intelligent (he he :) ) .. and can assess then on their merit.. so please be candid with your responses (seriously) ...
Here we go....
Things I like about her:
1. Confidence - she is never without an answer with me... or others. Very sure of her footing in society...can shake a leg, crack a joke, comfort in pain and converse like a pro in social settings.
2. A born psychologist: She can talk about feelings the way I can talk about almost everything else. She can assess her own feelings clinically...like a surgeon...not feeling anything while talking about them. And she can do the same thing about mine with as much delicacy as is possible. (she beats the clinical psychologist at it and somewhere I have a feeling she has been through psychotherapy herself..otherwise there is no way she could think in such a clinical way)
3. Good listener: Listens and then replies...gets the message (from words... but somewhere she does not understand the essence behind my raising an issue)...
4. Very strong reasoning power: she can reason her way out of any tight situation. She is a born lawyer and can turna nd twist an argument in a way that you will know she is wrong... yet you cannot prove it :)))
you know what guys.. this is not the correct frame of mind... I'm listing what I don't like about her in the sections titled.. what I like about her.. I have to sit down again tonight and do this...
I'm letting this go as a post.. just so you are not devoid of my confusions...
Just tell me something....have any of you been so confused about something ever in your life..and for so long ???
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2008): Hey Mr.Anonymous,
How did the appointment go?Are you alright?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2008): Mr.Anonymous today I am thinking a lot about our culture.Though we youngsters are trying to change it a lot,we still have a long long way to go.
I refused to give dowry.I was worried that the guy shouldn't be marrying me for my dad's money.He is a North Indian.I am a south Indian.My parents could accept the region difference.Only because they couldn't find a south Indian who wouldn't get dowry.
My husband still belongs to the same religion and caste.My parents wouldn't have accepted it otherwise.They still had an issue with my husband's family status.sigh.My dad is a civil engineer.His dad is a driver.Don't you think its humbug the way people think here?sigh.The way we are rigidly brought up,we would be finding it difficult to intermingle with other cultures.We are slowly changing.That's a good thing.
Most of the time we don't think about our happiness.Its our parents' happiness,our relatives' happiness,probably our cat's and dog's happiness but not our happiness.
She says she loves you.That's a good thing isn't it?She is the sort of girl who will never say anything just for the sake of saying it.
If you really want this marriage to work I suggest the following steps
1.Trust her
2.Give her time to change
3.You are a good guy with patience.you have got it in you to change a person.
4.Do not change her base nature
5.With out being too criticizing point out the areas she needs to change with love and patience.
6.Love,Love,Unconditional love is the key for a good marriage.
7.I know in an arranged marriage its also the families that get married.
Lets change that nonsense.Forget about her brother if he is mistreating you.Tell him once ,"I do not care to talk with people who disrespect me".
8.Never forget that she is your first priority from her family
My husband is brought up like an average Indian Male.I was very very patient with him.I still am.I am brought up like a spoilt average Indian girl from a well to do family.He is very very patient with me.We are trying to change ourselves.Because we know people who are loyal and put the other person's happiness before their own happiness are difficult to find.We are thankful.We are helping each other become better people.We have a long way to go.I am sure we will get there.That's the story of an arranged marriage which is working great.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2008): Hey Diovan,
That was a really cool idea.:-)
To the poster:
I totally understand the situation you are in.There are very few days left for the marriage.A girl with a broken engagement cannot live it down in our society.
I am the sort of person who gives a twit about the society.I live for myself.I need to take into account the girl's plight as well.
Write a mail to her.Explain to her what you want from her.Ask her outright why she is not answering your questions.Why doesn't she respond to your sister's calls?Why did she make your mom wait for such a long time at the market.
Maybe the answer will open your eyes and hopefully our eyes as well.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDivon that's a very very good suggestion.. I'm working right now.. will come back and right this down tonight.. and I have my psychologist appointment tomorrow morning in any case.. may resolve somethings tomorrow.
Bugs.. I'm waiting to hear more from you. Thanks for replying
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2008): Hey Mr Anonymous, why don't you do what Charles Darwin (Scientist) did when he was thinking of getting married. Now because he was a scientific man, he wouldn't to make sure he made the right choice. You've started already, by coming here and writing everything down. Write a list of all the good things about this woman, and why you think it would be a good idea to marry her. Then write a list of all the bad things about this woman and why it would be a bad idea to get married to her.
Then it will be easier. It won't be stuck in your mind, running around driving you crazy. You will be able to clearly see what the best thing to do is. Which list is longer, the reasons to marry or not to marry. Which things are the most important, the good things that will happen with marriage or the bad things. A scientific way to choose a wife. Look at all the good and bad points on paper, the things you know and see, the things that we have said. Hopefully it will make things a little clearer for you. If you make a mistake, then at least you know why. If you marry and the marriage is in trouble, then you will be prepared. If you don't marry, then you will be clear why this woman is unsuitable. Try that approach, maybe it will help you to make up your mind.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2008): Hey brother,
hold on.My baby is crying.Will be back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBugs I need help.. and all the other people.It's easy for others to say.. maybe we are not compatible..maybe we are different people...etc etc... but look at it from my perspective.. this is an arranged marriage situation and the date is nearing.. I will break not only her heart, but many more hearts in her and my family by saying no.. I also understand, that if I was supposed to say no at this point and I did not.. people would only snicker later that "he could not make it work"...But I have to be very sure before I dump her... before I break this engagement and cause all this trouble..I may have problems of my own.. I think, at some level I didn't evolve enough.... don't understand relationships enough.. don't have a clue what could be happening..what if I was wrong and all those people paid the price.. what if my psychologist finally gets time to meet me tomorrow and solves some thing big and it may be too late.... what if ..oh god.. I'm so confused... I just cry when I'm driving..We are not even talking much these days.. we met one day but she would just keep saying.. I love you and I will never disappoint you.. somewhere I feel I have not been able to get even one answer out of her...bugs now that you are back.. please help me...I'm in a very bad situation.
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female
reader, SallySoMe  +, writes (15 December 2008):
 You sound like a very perceptive and intelligent man. What if I tell you that regardless of race colour creed, etc there exists a distinct class of females who exhibit all the traits you mentioned. You have every right to be concerned at the post-marital pattern your life will take on.
Relationships like these invariably result in an internal power struggle if both are strong-willed people. Each party seeks to gain ground rather than concede ground. If she makes you feel like this now, how soon after the marriage will you become resentful & bitter?
She has the gift of the gab, will continue to use it to her immense advantage & is unlikely to shelve that even as a stay-at-home seemingly docile wife. Be prepared to accept that your life will never be the same again. Your lady is part of this distinct class of females I commonly refer to as the alpha-females. Ever watched Natgeo Wild?
Love them or hate them, these women do the same - they're strong-willed take-no-prisoners sort of females who control actively, tacitly & shrewdly their environment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): Bugs, now it's my turn to say Bravo to you. That was very enlightening, I'm glad that you and Ms anonymous could help, I would have been lost with a question like this. Now have a nice trip, and we'll see you when you come back.... lol
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): I have a flight to catch in a few hours.I may not be there for a week.I am glad I logged in to check your post.By the way we have posts that are open for more than 3 years.Check this one out .You are in need of a good laugh at the moment.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/indian-woman-lover.html
I am sure your hidden issues are not as bad as that.Ha Ha.
I think for all your hidden issues,you are a very good guy.You must have good parents.You are brought up to be humble and patient.We can easily differentiate who is well-educated and who is not,just by an Indian's writing style.I know for a fact that you are not lying about anything you have written.I know that an investment banker doesn't earn less.So its not about her money either.
She seems to be a very interesting girl.But when you have filthy money all your life,you do tend to get a bit snobbish.Her nature might be very nice.But she needs to overcome her snobbishness regarding your family.As I pointed out,you need to overcome a lot of things as well.
I am glad you are taking help from a psychiatrist.When you are willing to get help,it shows that you want to change.I suggest you post it on this site about what ever hurt you.I can assure you the aunts/uncles here are very nice.I can't say the same about me.(grinning)
I am hoping I could be wrong in my conclusions.In fact I am hoping against hope that all my deducing tendencies are wrong and things work out for you both.Mainly because you really like the girl.Its a case of opposites attract.
Me and my husband are two ends of a pole.I was hurt in life as well.I dated a guy for 2 months.He was the first and only other guy I dated in my life.But I fell for him like a stack of dominoes.His ex-girl friend of 3 years came back.He was confused.It was just 2 months since he started seeing me.I walked out of the relationship with out any fights.I wanted him to be happy.But Oh Boy!It hurt.
I had an arranged marriage.I am brutally honest.I mentioned it to my husband who had never had any girl friends.He is very shy.He helped me!!That's the truth.With his love and patience,he wiped any memories of the guy.It took a long.... time.But today I can honestly say I am glad I didn't marry the other guy.My husband says,"I am glad his ex-girl friend came back" and laughs.Its been 5 years now.I am from a very rich family.He is not.We get along very well.We made compromises for each other along the way.We never forced each other to change.We asked each other,"What would you like?".We never told each other,"I would like you to be this way".That's the difference in a happy relationship.We do have our arguments,fights and unpleasant moments.I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world.I hope it helped.
There's no hurt in life that cannot be over come.Hang in there!.
Its obvious that you love the girl.you are not "in love" with her.You like something about her.Look at it from a third person's point of view.Try going away by yourself on a nature trek.When she realizes you are independent and not expect her to spend lots of time with you,she will definitely want to spend time with you.Aesop and PanchaTantra teach more about Psychology than Sigmund Freud ever did.
See you after a week.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI can clarify a few things. She is not beautiful and sophisticated, but she was understanding and confident. Intelligent and smart.. and that is what I fell for.
Somewhere, after listening to you, I'm beginning to realise she knows the differences we have, and she is trying to compromise on too many issues in her desperation to get married now (she is under pressure..I'm sure).
But Bugs, with what you said, I'm destroyed, and you warned me. I have to thank you for your time and energy spent on a stranger...don't want to kill the messenger, but you could be wrong. I'm hoping... but I'm thinking about what you said.
I also met a psychiatrist.. and I'm going in for therapy.There are some hidden issues I could work on. That does not mean, that I have "problems". No I don't... I'm just trying to be a person I was before a momentous moment in my life. A better person...
I will try to validate your analyses ...and tell you what happens. Hope this question can stay open for a few more days.
Thanks again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2008): I can take a guess as to exactly what must have happened.Correct me anywhere if I go wrong.
The marriage broker or any marriage website or any relatives got you her picture.Your horoscopes matched.You met her 3-4 times.She was very pretty and sophisticated.All rich girls from India naturally have that sophistication.You fell for her.You were intelligent and handsome.She fell for you.
Till this part it was hunky dory.
If I am guessing right you are from an Upper middle class family.She is from the upper echelon.Your family came up the hard way.Probably her parents are generations rich.
You wouldn't have had any bad habits.you must have been simple minded.So they said yes to you.
The pressure was from your family as well.Its quite a good match from the guy's family's point of view.Your status increases from your relative's point of view.
Now the character analysis.
You:
1.You have never had girl friends or you have been hurt in life by a girl
2.You want to know each and everything about her.you have fallen more for her than she has fallen for you.
3.You have control issues and you want to change her personality
4.You want to spend more time with her as you are not bored by her.she is an enigma to you.You are not able to place her in a slot.
5.You love your family which is not wrong by the way.
6.You are needy and clingy.I am sorry I have to tell this to you.That's my opinion.
Her:
1.She is independent
2.She is stubborn,opinionated and not into small talk.
3.Doesn't think that she has to share everything with you.For example her brother having a 4 year affair is her brother's secret.If he chooses to,he should tell it to you.It shouldn't be her.
4.Her official settlements are kept secret.She values her professionalism.
5.She values the time she spends with her family and friends more than the time spends with you.
6.For some reason,she looks down on your family.Not sure why.Maybe its due to her rich upbringing.
7.She gets bored easily.
According to me two individuals who are completely different are tying the knot.If you have so many problems about her and her nature before marriage you are definitely going to have problems later as well.
Life is going to be hell with you trying to change her.Maybe she will change.But she will be a shell of the individual she once was.
A successful marriage is one where both the partners accept each other as they are.You cannot change the base nature of a person.
Marriage is not about changing someone to suit you.Its about a compromise where both the partners try and live up to the other person's expectations.Your natures that are at each end of the pole will not allow that.
I suggest you have to talk openly with her.Tell her that its not going to work out.Tell her she is a great individual.That should cool her down a bit.Just that your natures don't match.
I get that the bride's family spent everything for the engagement.Return all the jewelry and gifts that you got from her family during engagement.Its only fair that you pay the money back to them if you are calling off the marriage.
Next time,please don't rush into a marriage.You need a soft natured,shy girl who will get along with your family.A perfect Indian girl who will consider and listen to everything her husband says.
I am sure there are still such girls around.Your fiancee may be an angel.In India an arranged marriage means getting along with the family as well.If that is not possible,the relationship is doomed.
Its better to call it off now than getting divorced later.You might have kids that will make a real mess of the situation.
I wish you all the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"Bugs", I'm just trying to be honest. I do want her to work. But if she is telling me she wants to quit and stay at home, I hear the tone and context behind it.. ie she may want to work later.
Please tell me if anything else confuses you. I'm happy to help you help me.
Work is an issue.. I mentioned in my later posts.. I could deal with. I can motivate her show her the way...I can do that to people.. & will do that to her.
I think you are getting close to the situation.. she is not after my money. This is an arranged marriage situation.. they are far more respected and rich then us. I'm not after her money... considering I'm the one talking about breaking this. You know they will get us to pay them money for this..(all costs of the one engagement we had)... thus I'll be the loser... but I don't care.. it's my life I'm talking about.. and am ready to pay the price.
Please bugs.. go on and keep talking... I'm listening.
Thanks for your attention so far.
Indian anonymous.. I want to hear more of your thoughts too. Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2008): I am really sorry but a girl who wants to give a home theatre,a car etc., as dowry is not from a poor family either.She is a VERY BIG CHICKEN!LMAO!!
you may have other qualities that she likes but I can assure you its just not your money.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2008): I am the Indian woman who answered before....after reading what you have said. I would still say the same thing.....in any relationship be it your parents, kids, partners or among professionals...it is imp that we respect each other.
Sounds to me she is quite full of herself and doesn't respect you or your family as she has sensed that you are weak for her....not a good sign mate. She will always take advantage of that. A good partnership is where people have equal controls...not like this. She will defintely take advantage of you if ever you get divorced. You are a hot property for her right now....A BIG CHICKEN...as they say in India.
We are all responsible for what sort of life we make for ourselves. If you were incapable of not earning i would understand all the drama here but you are self sufficient man that is attractive in itself. If you were my child I would have said...get out of this mess right now...trust your gut feeling....believe me they are always right.
And besides ...why do you think you won't get any other girl. You are very young still....why thinking in such a negative way. Get on line...find your partner yourself.
I am 30 today and I also had an arrange marriage but thankfully it worked for me....not everbody is lucky. So don't be blind...wake up....do something to change the situation you are in...take a break or something....get your life back in order...start looking after yourself...hit a gym, go for walks, keep yourself groomed, get some other interest to make yourself more attractive....and within that course who knows....you might meet someone. Don't start acting like you are 60 already...and you are having trouble finding a partner. You have just started your life.....get some zest in your life.
There are more things in life to enjoy than just getting married, have kids.....blah blah blah. Believe me as an Indian myself I can undertand all the drama that our society creates but you are smart educated man...get out of that.....CHANGE IT...you will thank your stars one day.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2008): This was from your original post.
"And I always wanted my wife to work, she now tells me she will quit and stay at home."
This is from your latest answer.
"Working / not working is not an issue... I am in doubt, but when I ask she tells me she wants to work.. just so she can stay away from home and avoid being dumb like a housewife. Which incidently could be a jab at my mom."
Don't you think the two things are entirely contradictory?I for one am more confused than ever by this alone.I have understood the situation very clearly and why is she behaving this way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2008): Hey am sorry am getting back late to you.Hold on.I have read it.Please do listen patiently what I would have to say.I don't want to offend you in any way.Are you willing to listen to a few truths that you have missed out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDon't want to delete my answer above.
The two paras about "Calling her" were supposed to come after my list of info expectations from her.
THANKS
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for all the answers.
The people from India will be better able to understand the situation. I appreciate the help from other people all the more, it gives me cross culture perspectives as well.
As to the current issue let me answer "Bugs", it will bring out things in more detail.
Let me list a few things I would expect her to share with me.
As to calling her often, we had a code from the start that we will chat when we travel in our cars. But I travelled betweeb 8:30 to 9:30 and she between 9:30 to 10:00. Now we tried talking sometimes, but it just could not work. I tried calling her around 8:30, but she refused to talk, as she had to get ready for office. Eventually, in the bid to catch up I shifted my time to 9:00, even then she would ONLY speak with me between 9:30 and 10:00. If I reach office before 10:00, she would ask me to continue for a while as then it would get difficult.
As to calling during office hours, she would call me during office hours. And I always tried to accomodate (as much as possible atleast), but she would always tell me that she would call me back. And then she would call whenever she was free. "Bugs" this was supposed to be an equal give and take, I was not forcing myself on her, nor was backing away too far. But she felt a need to control the relationship...
- Her routine, what does she do during the day. - (answer nothing really.)
- Her likes and dislikes, and mind you she is very direct about mine. ie, you might say this is something I need to find out for myself, but she asks these directly, so I think she expects to answer these directly. - (answer - not much).
- Her hobbies - what she likes to do in free time - (answer - nothing in particular)
- Her friends - (answer - no friends..only the 2 I met on my engagement, these days however I have been discovering new friends every week :) )
- Happenings in her life -
* like I mentioned a major partnership she signed with fellow lawyers, she told me about it after it was done and she had cracked a deal. Even then she just dropped it as an aside.
* Again, the fact that her brother was going around with someone for 4 years. Now this considering she shared some details every day about her brother.. like he is always in office, he is a doting brother etc etc...
* A simple question - say when are you planning to go to city X to meet your father will bring a winded answer actually saying nothing. The same day I asked her mom the same question and I got a straight reply with a date...then I asker her again later in the evening and she gave me the same winded response. She obviously could not trust me at all.
As to feeling insulted: Let me list out the instances:
My mom sent her a gift, and was casually asking her if she liked the dress. Her reply was she did and she will get a large portrait made at a photo studio and send it to her. She has many of those nasty comments up her sleve.
For example, her brother would always tell me that I'm not free to meet him. But whenever I ask him, he is always busy. Then he would tell me he had a party the same night. Maybe he does not want to meet me, but tht should be ok. Now, she knows my plans for a day (with family) and asks me if I was free to meet her brother, and when I remind her about my plans, she says..yeah do you stuff..we are always free to meet you. Nasty thng to say in front of her brother,knowing how he has ignored me over the last 5 months.
If my sister would call her she would say, she is gonna call back and then would never call her back. I cornered her once on this and she said.. ok I'm sorry ! :) But refused to explain why.
Once my mom asked her to join her for some shopping with which she had asked for help, she asked her to wait for just 4-5 hours in the market, as she was doing some other important shopping and would join her right after. Knowing fully well that no one could wait in a market for 4 hours.
She would also keep talking about fat women in front of me.. when she knows fully well that my mom is fat.
I try to forget most of the instances that I personally face, I try to toughen my skin for them.. for instance for every weekend she would tell me her plans a week in advance, and would never let me plan a weekend with her. Hence her weekends are always filled with herself, while she is mostly free to meet me after office in the evenings.. the time she prefers... by the way this was the time I used to go to my gym.. but I adjusted to accomodate.
Working / not working is not an issue... I am in doubt, but when I ask she tells me she wants to work.. just so she can stay away from home and avoid being dumb like a housewife. Which incidently could be a jab at my mom.
As to dowry, there is no dowry that was asked for. Her father wants to buy some stuff for her room, like a home theatre. We haven't said no, but everything else (like a car) we have said no.
Now "teacake" the issue here is this ia an Indian Arranged marriage. I took exceptional 2 months to say yes to this girl and met her 3-4 times in this period. I was in doubt but there was tremendous pressure from family to say yes after a while. Now they are also scared, because she has mentioned she does not want to live in a joint family. I made a big issue out of this and she said she will go with whatever was my decision. I doubt she will stand by it after the honeymoon period. My family is also scared, because Indian Laws are insanely biased in favor of woman. She can file a casual complaint that could put all of us behind bars for years without trial. And she is a lawyer, she knows how to do it... has done it for her clients. For example she never sends me text messages in which she would write something herself.
The love that I spoke about was an interlude of 2 months, where I felt strongly for her, with the kind of things she said to me. I cried today, on the verge of loosing her...because I truly miss her. The fact is, despite all the above that I said, I may be wrong...those are all facts... there are 100 other things she has done and said..which made her look like an angle to me.
For example she is a great listener and tries to work on herself once she sees I need a change in behaviour. But even here, she would not change if I soecifically point something I did not feel good about.
I'm full of negative energy at this moment, and don;t know what to do. We spoke for a few minutes today...small talk...but it is alive...we haven't killed the relation just yet.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008): Fellow Aunts/Uncles,
Please wait till he answers the questions.TeaCake you should have also asked him how much dowry is he getting from the bride's family.He may not be getting any.But Let's confirm it first.
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female
reader, Teacake  +, writes (8 December 2008):
 ----At this moment, I'm totally confused, don't want to spoil the love I've found in my life for something trivial. Don't want to get in a relationship that will get me and my family into lifelong pain.-----
LOVE?????? Nothing you have said indicates this is love. Lifelong pain for you and your family - and you consider going though with it? What are you confused about? How to tell her there will be no marriage?
How are you obligated to marry a woman who even your family doesn't approve of and who is going to bring so much trouble to your family?
If you fear that you won't find love again - it sounds like you still have not found love just yet and are settling for hell instead of love.
Can your family tell her there is no marriage? Why are you unable to speak for yourself to her? What will she do other than give you a hard time for a few days by saying no rather than by saying yes and suffer the rest of your life?
There is nothing trivial about this. You are making a decision that will effect you and your family for years and years. LOVE?????? Where's the love part in this?
I like artisty's idea to tell her in a restaurant but have your family there with you for back up and moral support.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008): Sorry mate, this relationship sounds to me to be doomed from the very start....if she doesn't respect you and your family now...i guess so you forecast now what will in the future.
I think you need to ask yourself why you are marrying her in the first place.I am from India myself and know the pressure must be on by now but as a man you are still very young and can change your mind...better now than get divorced later with more complications.
You should get positive feeling when you are taking any step in your life not a negative one.
Cheers....hope things goes alright for you
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008): May I please know what is that you want to know about her.If you don't mind,please write me a list of questions.It would say a lot more about you for me to help you out.
Being from India,I would say the question and the answer is carefully written.
I am from India.I was engaged for 6 months.I hadn't met him before.
You cannot tell all the details of your life in 6 months.
If I did I would get bored and make my darling husband bored in the end.
I like to keep a bit of mystery about me that makes the relationship interesting and alive.
If you know everything about her now what are you going to do in the next 50-60 years?
How often do you call her?If a guy is so needy or clingy that he wants to talk so often to me,it would be a turn off.
I wouldn't want to be disturbed in office hours either.
Give me instances where you felt she insulted your family or your family felt that she insulted them.Since you are feeling hurt and in pain,you may as well as tell me.It really lightens you up writing about some things.
I can tell you one thing though.You want a working wife.She wants to stay at home.Different views of life.I don't want to comment whether she is wrong or you are wrong.
I will wait to give my comments till you get back to me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all for the answers.
I'm in a lot of pain, we had a fight and hung up on each other yesterday. Don't think either of us are going to call in.
The summary of this relationship for me has been two fold:
1. She controls the relationship: She speaks to me whenever she has time. And goes out with me, whenever she has time. Never once does she respect the time constraints that I may have. Except ofcource, when I can't ask her to come out with me. In which case, she suggests a time and then we meet at her convenience. (apparently mine as well, but I try to accomodate.. whenever she has to, she gets me to accomodate to an alternative :) )
2. She has revealed minimum possible information about herself to me. While, I have conveyed to her every decently possible information from my side and about my family. Even now when she confesses love to me.. I would keep discovering facts about her, which I think she should have told me in due course.
3. I have a feeling, partly becasue of the above two reasons, that she does not respect me and is marrying me just because she wants a life partner for social acceptability. She also, does not respect my family and they have felt insulted at different points by her.
I try to accomodate to her wishes and adjust all the time. For example, without telling her, I aligned my time of going to office with her later time, or I would speak with her from office. She however, would not speak with me in the morning from home or her office hours.
Is it possible, in the above example that at some level, I gave too much and started expecting too much from her??
At this moment, I'm totally confused, don't want to spoil the love I've found in my life for something trivial. Don't want to get in a relationship that will get me and my family into lifelong pain.
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female
reader, Artistry +, writes (8 December 2008):
 Hi there, It appears to me, that you have the answers you need. Why would you marry a person who you don't trust? One who participates in one sided conversations, and what do you mean, they don't pay her? This is very bad situation you are trying to get yourself into. This would stress me out to no end, if it were I in this relationship. If I were you, I would run for the hills immediately. Don't even look back, take her out to a nice crowded restaurant, so if she makes a scene, there will be witnesses, and let her know, point blank, that you have had a change of heart, it is not going to work between you, and bid her good-bye, give her cab fare home. She is a very good talking lawyer in her
social life, and she is excellent at hiding things, it
would be a disasterous marriage. Another thing, if she direspects your mother, she will disrespect you. Don't wait around for that, she doen's care for you, she cares about what you have that can benefit her. Run, run now! You don't need any more clues. Take care and stay in touch.
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female
reader, Teacake +, writes (7 December 2008):
How did you end up engaged to someone you barely know? She obviously is very self involved and has no regard for you at all other than someone to cling to for all of her needs.
If its at all possible to cut off all contact with no explanation... she doesn't sound like she has earned that respect - as she will talk you into guilt and all of that should you try to talk to her - you need to somehow vanish for a while. Or when you do speak with her next, disagree with all of her views, be really obnoxious and perhaps create a persona she doesn't want to be with?
You can tell her you have a huge gambling debt to take care of and all sorts of other stories to put the fear in her that you can't take care of her at all. GOOD LUCK!!!!!!! let us know how this turns out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2008): A lawyer that doesn't earn anything? Blimey, that's a first.
Too many alarm bells with this one. I bet she's unemployed and looking for a meal ticket. Why would it matter to her what property your family has or how much you've got in the bank?
I think I'd avoid this one.
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A
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reader, Chippymunk +, writes (7 December 2008):
 If you think she is the "devil" now, imagine your thoughts about her in 5 or 10 years. She may or may not change but are you willing to take that risk? All I can say is that you should have no doubts at all about marrying the person you love, and it looks like you've got quite a few!
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