A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now and we live together. Monday-Friday he works in another state and I'm at home by myself. I have three children from a previous relationship that lives with us too. I only get to see him Friday-Sunday and he's back on the road Monday morning. In his past relationships he has been cheated on. In ALL of them. He feels that he can't trust any woman for that matter. I try to make him feel secure, he has my email passwords, my cell phone login to check to see who I'm calling or who's called me. He can login to my voice mail. If I ever miss a call from him, I return it immediately. He would accuse me of cheating on an off. But this last time..boy oh boy. Ladies, I was expecting my cycle this past Friday and wore some measures*wink*. They were the applicator free ones and the super duper +. I went to the restroom to check and I had not started yet. I then "cleaned" myself out and we were intimate. He accused me of being with someone else due to the fact it felt different (it's not like he's super large). He didn't speak to me for the rest of the weekend. I'm tired. He says that I give the kids medicine to knock them out and then I sneak out. Mind you I'm a stay at home mom in school with a 4 and 1 yr old. How the HELL can I find the time to be with another man. When he's gone I don't even do my hair or makeup or put on anything besides sweats. I don't have a desire for another man, I don't hang out, he is all I want/need. He's starting a business and wants to get it off the ground before the end of the month and I've been working hard on that. I want him home. I'm just at a point I don't know what to do. I'm not going to grovel or beg for him to listen, because in his mind, I'm guilty. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Paper Clip Advice +, writes (29 December 2010):
Many of us google advice through those who put thier own situations online for quick confirmations we already know but aren't ready to accept at this point.
Here's the deal: this is "emotionally abusive, draining, impossible, unhealthy but most of all toxic". If you have lost your identiy and stop caring about the things that made you feel good to please another person because you're afraid to make issues? Are you really making issues by protecting the other persons unreasonable behaviours to sacrafice your own happiness. What happened to the rule of I want to find someone that will love me and make feel a certain postive way? Im sure he is amazing and he has great qualities to him for you to hang on. Ask yourself, do you want your kids to learn from his behaviours?
Your amazing too, be that way and live that way. I promise you will eventually feel relieved, happy, and laugh more than you have in awhile... you bring into your life what you choose. Protect your self-worth!
(posting from the Lazy Dog really broke it down so it's ultimately up to you, I was a stay home mom and I found a way out- you can do it)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate all of the advice. You guys just said everything that I was thinking. I'm sure it won't get better and before I end up heartbroken or drained emotionally, I'd just rather cut my loses now!
...............................
A
female
reader, old-spinstah  +, writes (15 December 2009):
I think that many of the aunties and uncles are right, that it's time to call it a day and leave. You've put up with this behaviour for 2 years and it's not going to change.
You say he behaves like this because he has been cheated on so many times. Do you know this for a fact - or just because he's told you? There's a possibility that he has repeated this paranoid behaviour in all his relationships and the women have left because of it - not because they cheated but because he believed they did. Just like he believes you're cheating.
I dated a guy like this once and their behaviour is not only impossible but soul-destroying and it doesn't change but gets worse. My ex eventually became convinced I was sleeping with all my female friends too.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (15 December 2009):
You need to end it with him. His insecurities have made him so controlling you can't do anything about it now. You have been with him for two years, and all he does is accuse you. Time to leave and find someone else.
...............................
A
male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (15 December 2009):
 I know that you love this man, but I will be honest. He is weak, and emotionally inept. He is a control freak bordering on rage and possibly violence.
It's not what you want to hear, I know, but I know a few men just like this.
No one, I mean NO-ONE has the right to limit and control your life in the way that he is trying to.
You are undoubtedly a fine and intelligent woman. You live in the land of the FREE. That means you have freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and freedom to live in the best way suited to the needs of you and your family.
This man is not worthy of the name. I'm sorry to say so.
The fact that he has been cheated on in the past has nothing to do with this current relationship.
If he truly loves you, he won't try to suffocate you.
So his idiotic actions are almost abusive. Can you see what I mean?
After 2 years, he should know what you are like, and whether you can be trusted. His constant accusations are designed to erode your spirit and wear you down. Don't let him.
Every human needs friends, and a little social interraction. He is stifling you. Either tell him to stop, or get out of the relationship.
The issues of trust are his, not yours. He needs to be a man, put his irrational fear to one side, and start treating you like a woman that he loves. At the moment you are no more than a servant to his whims.
...............................
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (15 December 2009):
 Eh... there are uncles on this site too. So who are you calling a lady? And I think I know which measures you are talking about with regards to your cycle? Repair kit right? for when you get a puncture when riding it so you can fix the leak?
Okay, he SAYS he has been cheated on in every relationship. Says... got proof? And if so, what were the EXACT circumstances? One thing that comes to mind is that a girl turns him down, he refuses, she starts dating someone else and he calls it cheating.
What you might experiencing is an emotional controlling abuser. The way this works is that they seek to control their victim. Accuse her of cheating with anyone she has contact with and she will stop contacting them, isolating herself and put her more and more in control of him. It is not a thought out process necessarily, although it can be.
Have you become isolated over the years? Do you still see your old friends? How much have you adjusted your life to fit in with his demands?
This type of abuse is far sneakier then physical abuse. Hard to argue a black eye, but how do you determine the line between a woman not seeing her old bf and not seeing an old male friend? When is socializing with a male co-worker done and not-done? When is sharing stuff the same as him checking up on you? My phone is not locked but neither does my gf check. Same with my email, we share the same PC login and both me and her use the same password tool so we can easily log in to our email accounts, yet I presume she does not check nor do I check hers. Trusts/openness vs being checked/controlled.
His actions are difficult to explain, if they ever are what I think they are. It is a combination of a desire to control/dominate and paranoia. You can't control other people. You say "I do not have time to cheat". Like that takes time. Ultimately, the other can always find time to cheat and you might never find out. Fact: 30+% of children are not of the father the woman claims. Don't ever learn about genetics if you want to believe in humanity, to many eye/hair color combo's that just can't be.
So, he doesn't believe you and nothing you do or say can make him believe because in his eyes, people lie. And he seeks to control that. Control you so you can't cheat, except you always can so it is pointless and then their is domination, putting his will onto you.
Not a good combo however it is combined.
Either he seeks help to deal with his issue and learn to trust or you will constantly have to deal with it or you must end this.
You can't prove you don't cheat, it is impossible and neither should you have to. A relationship cannot function if two people can't trust each other. That is why trust is so important, because without it, you get the situation you are in.
He has a problem, your choice of how you are going to deal with it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009): Sorry, but this guy will not improve when he finally moves back home, he will get worse!
He is emotionally battering you, I suggest that you start considering your future.
Do you know for a fact that all the women he has been involved with cheated on him.. or is this something he has told you?? With some of the things he is saying, I would wonder if perhaps he was the one cheating and the women refused to stay with him??
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 December 2009):
 Change your passwords, change your numbers and change your locks, he has no right to make assumptions based on such flimsy evidence. Maybe those other women didnt cheat, maybe he just accused them of it, try running that past him and see how it goes.
You will never win with a person like this.
...............................
|
