A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a great finacee but her sex drive has never matched mine and I'm fine with it...I love her and we've been in love for years were getting married this upcoming March. I masterbate every morning after my girl goes to work (she works in the medical field so she's up at 4am to get ready and then leaves) I head out for my shift around 11:00am and she gets home a 5pm and I get home at 10:30 pm and when I'm home she's asleep. But we're both off on weekends. And I love weekends because I spend them with her.I'm not a selfish guy at all I love her and I do laundry I take out the trash and I clean this house I rub her feet and I show her I love her in many ways. We are intimate in alot of ways meaning we cuddle, she doesn't make out but we kiss and we can lay in each others arms and watch movies or just talk and it's great.We have sex but it's like once a month and ok recently she has become umm pregnant. Sooooo at first it was kinda awesome because her sex drive got crazy at the beginning then it dropped off the planet and I understand completely and I'm good with it and I'm here for her and I want to be a daddy more than anything we already came up with names and were totally prepared for this child in every way and were both excited about it. I got use to no sex and I masterbate and she feels bad because she knows shes never been able to keep up with my sex drive and I don't hate her nor am I mad at her for it. But guys recently I am having an issue, I am thinking alot about the days before I met my sweetheart the girl im going to marry and spend my life with and raise a child with ....I have been thinking back before I met her to when I was a bit wilder ...I'm 27 and I've known my girl for 3 years but before her I liked to date around and I liked sex and I had a ex I always had sex with any time of day and trust me I don't miss her but I miss that feeling the freedom and the moments I've had with others.....I have friends that are girls and I could have some of them if I tried but I love my fiancée and I amAbout to be a father ...I'm not trying to be a bad guy but wow I'm being tempted to do something stupid and I could if I wanted it ba enough and I'm scared it's only a matter of time. I've never cheated on her ever and she doesn't deserve it an it would be selfish to do so but wow it's in me to do it and I feel it...advice please
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk so an update....were married and we had amazing sex for the 5 days straight after we were married and we did it several times a day.....I figured something must have snapped in her or I am now the luckiest husband on the planet lol.....that died down and it's almost been 2 weeks since the last time we had sex and when I bring it up she says she's sorry and that we havnt had time. She is now 23wks weeks pregnant and she's doing great.....I have talked to her and she knows how i feel about the rejection she gives me and she doesn't really do that anymore. Now when i seduce her she gives in except for the last couple weeks and she just says not tonight I'm really sleepy and so I stop. Things have improved and I love my wife...but there is still alot to work on... Our relationship is picture perfect except the bed room and I thought that was picture perfect for awhile there but it seems to be digressing back to normal lol but anyway that's now it's been
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 February 2012):
 That is also something you must communicate to her. How you feel, how her rejection of you makes you feel. How you feel when you masturbate on your own.
There is no reason why she can't join you when you masturbate. She can watch, or talk dirty, or touch you or kiss you while you do it. It becomes intimate and special that way, and not something to feel ashamed by. With her rejection of you you get shamed, which can cause serious complication for you later on in life.
Every woman who has been shamed for masturbating knows what it does to you. It makes it impossible to enjoy the act, and it makes it very difficult to reach an orgasm. Your girlfriend needs to understand what her actions can result in, and how they make you feel.
Especially the slapping your hand away... That concerns me. If she slaps you it is a violent act. It is a cruel act. She needs to reject your advances in a much better way than slap you like you are a naughty child. This will only build into the shaming of you and your needs. Her responses makes you feel unworthy of sex, or like your needs are shallow and unimportant. She is the one who makes you feel like you shouldn't want sex, that you wish you were like her.
Howcome she doesn't wish she was like you? Howcome you are the one who needs to change?
I'm worried because I see you as sacrificing yourself over and over again, and quite frankly being walked all over by this woman who you treat like a queen. There is not equality in this relationship. It is her, the queen, who gets to decide, and you get slapped away.
If she doesn't want sex she needs to compensate somehow. Maybe by a hand job, a blowjob, kissing you while you masturbate, an intimate shower together etc. She needs to compensate with something. Not all of the time, but just as many times as YOU need to go without anything at all other than a slap on your hand.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo I couldn't be happy if things don't improve and that's being honest with myself....I would be miserable it hurts emotionally after I masterbate when my fiancée goes to work because I feel like I shouldn't have to resort to this....sometimes when I get close and seductively and skillfully seduce her she slaps my hand away and I feel terriable and she's like not tonight baby...she doesn't get how in agony I am when this moment happens and so I bite my lip and turn over...Sometimes I wished I didn't want her so badly and that my sex drive was like hers....it sucks seriously I would rather just love her and be happy with that but sex is there and it complicates things because I want it (need it) and she doesn't and honestly I wished I didn't need it, because then I wouldn't feel this way I could go to work come home have dinner with her enjoy our day and be just fine but it ain't like that, it is on the surface but not in my head :( .....but like I said we talked and maybe it'll improve...when I got home from work today she was already asleep but she's off tomorrow and we can spend the whole morning together, I will see how it works.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (20 February 2012):
Those are partially simply excuses. The thing is, if you want sex then you want sex, even if you've been up all day, had long shifts, feel sick, you name it. Yesterday I got up at 6.30am, worked, stayed up all day, and at midnight I met with my lover and enjoyed a couple of hours of sex. That's right, until 2am.
The thing isn't that you NEED so much rest or sleep in order to have sex. So yeah, it's just an excuse, because she doesn't want sex. But then again, for a person with low sex drive that can be all it takes. A reason here and there not to have sex and she's put off already.
But you definitely need to talk to her about this, because your relationship WILL NOT work like this. So she has her excuses, fine, but you have just as many excuses to have sex as she has to not have sex. Why does her excuses trump yours?
Don't make this about her versus you though. You are a couple to be married. You are a team. You need to cooperate, otherwise it wont work. So she cries, that hers outlet of emotion. You might not cry, but that doesn't mean she feels any worse about this than you do. I don't think she feels as bad about this as you do. I don't think she's coming online crying about how much she worried the relationship will end because she doesn't have sex with you. You're the one who is worried. She appears to be more in denial of the problem. Like she isn't aware of this issue before you brought it up. NOW she said she will work on it, but she should have been working at it from day one. She knew this was a problem. You knew this was a problem. You need to address it and work on it, the both of you. So far only YOU have been working on it, and she's done nothing to meet you halfway or make compromises.
Think long and hard before you marry her. Sex isn't everything, but sex is something. And to many, sex is very important. I can live in a relationship with less sex, or not that amazing sex. But no sex at all? I couldn't do that. I say this not because I want to be a prick, but because I need to be honest with myself. You also need to be honest with yourself and ask yourself if you can be happy if the situation does not improve. Can you be happy feeling the way you do right now, for the rest of your life?
Work on things with her, but do not marry her until you and her have both reached a working compromise.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 February 2012):
 So you are tempted. And ?
Doing the right thing is a choice, that often is renewed daily in front of challenges. No challenge- no temptations, it would be nice, but it does not work this way.
I quit smoking about 18 months ago and still every day I feel tempted to take up smoking again . I don't : I have learned to live with the challenge, it's part o life and I know that ,if I ever give in, I can't whine and blame it on my smokers' friends, or on cigarette ads, or on tobacconist's windows. Utimately, what I do or omit to do only depends from ME , and my decisions.
You have time to review your decisions before you get married, though, and maybe you should.
You already know that your sex drives are mismatched, as well as your working hours. You already know that sex, or at least having sex often, is not as important to her as it is to you, so it's not just about her current state of pregnancy. And you know ( well may you don't, but I'll tell you ) that there's nothing like having a baby to take care off , with the added load of lack of sleep, breastfeeding, physical fatigue, new responsibilities etc., to take a woman's mind OFF sex.
So, you have to be very careful, and very honest with yourself, and ask yourself what are you going to do in case things do NOT improve ( they could improve, of course ! But just in case ). Is the love you feel for this girl strong enough to keep you committed to her, even if it means not getting the sex life you want ? Is your relationship good enough to keep it alive even if it means you won't be as sexually fulfilled as you could be ?
Be honest, and if the answer is no, ...don't even get married,- because, whether you like it or not, this is something that will sink your r/ship at some point.
The important is that you decide BEFORE, I don't think anybody can blame you if you decide in conscience, that for being happy you also need a great sex life, you know what you need and what is good for you.
But, don't complain about "temptations", you are not a 5 y.o. child left alone in a candy store.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI will indeed elaborate......yes she knows I want sex and she knows I'm constantly horney, but before she was pregnant the excuse was that she works long shifts at work and never has time but now that she's pregnant her new favorite excuse is she feels sick.....which I'm sure both are valid reasons but the issue is there is always a reason and I simply feel my girl doesn't want me. But she says that's not it and she does. So I dunno. We do talk about it intact today I said it is a issue and were about to get married and we need to get our issues resolved before we do are it won't happen and she then started crying and I felt bad......but she said she will make a effort so I'll trust her.....we will wait and see I kinda drew the line today.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): Have you talked to her?
Please tell her you want to have sex and that you want it soo bad with the woman you love..
Seriously though why r you not having sex? DId she tell you that she finds sex not good right now? Do elaborate..
Okay.. What I think is don't make this only about sex.. I mean yes its important.. but I think that is the only thing not working for you right now... yes?
Don't be willing to give up on your future wife .. your baby .. just for SEX.. that is too less of a deal..
Talk to her.. work on it.. make it work.. Tell her you are feeling horny... but its okay if she doesn't want to have.. but you really want to..
you are having a baby with her.. Respect that.. she is having your baby..
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (18 February 2012):
I think you're burying yourself here. You understand so well, you understand her, her needs, her being pregnant, and you are so willing so sacrifice so much.
Yes, you sound lovely and understanding. Of her. You are less lovely and understanding towards yourself, which makes me worried. You only talk about her. How much you love her, how great she is, how much you are okay with things, how her being pregnant excuses her not wanting sex, how okay it is that your needs shall forever go unmet, you are very understanding of it. Or maybe understanding is the wrong word. I'm thinking more of undermining.
Why this concerns me? Because I've dated and seen self sacrificing "understanding" men before. They completely throw away all of their own needs and call it an act of love. But later down the line it eats away at them. Makes them unable to love any longer, because it just takes too much out of them to love the way they think they must.
You can still love your fiancee and at the same time want sex you know. You can still have cravings and needs. Her being pregnant does NOT take away your needs. How understanding is she of that, if I may ask? Why do you think it is fair that you give up your sexuality, while she sacrifices nothing? Nothing whatsoever.
My advice to you? Stop undermining yourself. Stop acting like you wanting sex is a sinful think, that you thinking about sex is a sinful thing. Just because you are in a relationship with a woman who has a low sex drive doesn't take away your sex drive. And you should absolutely not shame yourself for craving sex!!!
Yes, you're about to be a dad. But you can be a dad and also want sex with a woman. Being a dad doesn't mean you can never have sex again. Marrying this woman shouldn't mean you can never have sex again either.
If her pregnancy has taken away ALL of her sex drive then for heavens sake talk to your doctor about it. She probably couldn't care less, but this will possibly ruin your relationship. It most certainly will take it's toll on you. Why aren't YOU important in this relationship? Why is only she important?
You're 50 percent of this relationship. Claim your right to have an opinion and claim your right to care about your own well being.
Don't be ashamed. You have needs, yes it's okay to have needs and want sex!! It doesn't make you a villain! It doesn't make you a cheater!
You say she feels bad about not satisfying you, but you know what? I think you sacrifice a heck of a lot more for her than she sacrifices for you. And that isn't fair. Talk to your doctor about hormones and pregnancy and sex. Talk to your fiancee. Work on it. Go to sex therapy. She needs to get a grip on this, because you need sex, and you can't go on sacrificing yourself forever and ever and ever without going completely nuts. You and her need to come up with a solution. You need to SPEAK UP about your needs and make some demands for your own well being and stop this "I understand I understand" undermining of yourself. Find some better working solutions together with your woman. Because you sacrificing and not getting any needs met whatsoever is.. well, not exactly loving of her, now is it?
You know, she doesn't need to be in the mood for her to want to please you with a blowjob or handjob. She doesn't need to get wet or horny in order to want to please you. If she loves you wouldn't she WANT to make you feel great? Don't mistake a lack of interest in sex with egocentrism. Don't "understand" her too much.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): Good that you want to stay faithful and know how valuable it is to be a father and have a strong relationship.
You do seem to be having doubts though. Sex isn't the be-all and end all, and really most couples do it less as they get deeper into the relationship; it's never like the beginning, and no the grass isn't always greener on the other side. But marriage is for life and what you need to ask yourself is whether you can cope with this situation for the rest of your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): You're already planning to cheat on her, you're laying the groundwork by saying it's a definite possibility. saying you're so afraid you're going to cheat on your fiance is absolving yourself ahead of time of responsibility. you're giving yourself permission in small incremental steps to cheat by telling yourself it's out of your control and you can't help it so it won't be your fault if and when you do it. That's a load of bull, in my opinion. You are planning to cheat on her someday, you just haven't decided for yourself yet where the line to be crossed will be and under what circumstances you will give yourself permission to cross it.I think this is a serious problem, it means you're extremely dissatisfied with the relationship and/or with yourself. You need to get that addressed before you do cheat on her. It could be that if you actually don't want to marry her and be with her forever but are only going through with it because you're having a kid so it's the easiest thing to do get married to her. If so, then you should seriously reconsider the marriage. You're going to do her and your child a lot of harm by making commitments you can't or have no intention to keep forever. The longer unresolved problems fester, the worse they become and the greater the damage and hurt caused to everyone when you eventually are forced by outside circumstances rather than by your own choice to face it. it's far better to hurt her honestly now by leaving her and establishing a way to co-parent your child separately, than to marry her and cheat on her later on. At least if you leave her now you won't be lying and backstabbing her.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (18 February 2012):
 Words are very very important. Stop telling yourself that you could cheat if you really wanted to. True or not, it isn't constructive to have that notion in mind.
You aren't a bad person for being tempted, you are only human. But you have to stop feeding that temptation. Letting your mind wander and filling your head with thoughts like these, asking yourself 'what if' will only feed that temptation. You do seem like you are trying to devote yourself and that is admirable. You do not want to be a man who hurts his fiancee, who ruins a family, because of sex. There are far too many of those already. You need to be in control of everything you are feeling.
This is definitely something you should talk to your fiancee about. If you two are going to get married, these are the kinds of problems you are going to have to strive through. Obviously I would not mention the fact that you are thinking about cheating, you don't want to scare her or give her reason to worry. But tell her it is something you need. Talk about it.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): Really? Come on once a month and you aren't even married yet. If you are willing to give up sex forever. My guess is this will be over in three years unless she figures out how to fulfill your sexual needs. It is very selfish on her part and you will resent her for it.
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A
male
reader, need2know4life +, writes (18 February 2012):
It will be the biggest mistake of you life. Never do it. She going to have your child. There will be so much quilt on you if you cheat. I say you should continue to be the master of your domain and ask her to do it for you sometimes. Your are going to be more horny than her for a while then the table will turn later in life. Talk to her you are going through some changes you don't want to mess things up. Keep been a good guy. fight against the urge to be with some one else. Be faithful... Love her and let your men hood change and have sex differently. Go slow with her don't hurt the women that cares for you.
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