A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I really, really need help. I'm so scared that there is something profoundly and irreversibly wrong with me. I'm very fearful for my future because of some experiences that I've had in the past few days. I'm afraid that I'm destined to be a failure in life. I'm so afraid that I'm not capable and that I'll never have a profession and be a successful person. I would like to have a career and be asuccessful person, but my confidence is shattered, I'm scared I'm not competent. I'm so scared I'm not capable enough to take care of myself, let alone provide for a family. I'm worried that I'm never gonna be able to take care of myself or succeed.Everyone else is able to hold down a job, be successful, earn a living and take care of myself and I feel jealous, angry and inferior when I see this.I'm also feeling bullied, like the world is against me. I've been in some trouble at my work... I have been treated like crap from day one, but yesterday they dropped the bomb on me and I got into trouble and I found out the reason was some nasty things people had said about me.I'm having a really horrible week... I feel like everyone is against me. If I talk about it I'll get worked up but I just feel like I'm gonna explode. I'm sick and tired of being bullied and being a little person in the dark who gets pushed around by life. I just don't know how to stand up to life.I am really having a horrible week; I nearly got fired from my work. I've been substitute teaching for a few years... I never get feedback and I don't do a perfect job but I think I do a good job. Well, it turns out that a LOT of people have gone behind my back and complained me. I guess they didn't have the balls to go to my face about these things. Anyway, I can't get back on the list until I go to this little training meeting in a few weeks. They acted like they were doing me a big favor. They don't give a **** that I have to eat/pay bills. No one cares that I need a job and I have bills to pay, no one cares about my problems. I didn't do anything seriously wrong; I'm not a paedophile; I didn't steal stuff, hit a child, etc. I'm not sure exactly what kind of sick game they're playing with me. People are just ungrateful!! I worked really hard and put up with some VERY stressful situations. I don't get a word of thanks for ANYTHING, but people will turn heaven over earth to complain about some trivial imperfection in my performance, like I forgot to erase the board or something equally lame?? The district assumes I'm doing a horrible job because no one ever said anything positive about me. So, no one SAID I did anything good or positive, and so now they're assuming that I haven't. I show up, I'm on time, I follow their little dress code. I help the kids with their work and teach them the stuff... I don't just sit there. I've put up with situations where other people would have walked out and where my health/sanity was in danger, but I stayed. None of this is appreciated. I also found out that I've been accused of some things that I didn't do!!! When I protested that I didn't do them, no one believed me. I was accused of taking a job, then cancelling it and taking another one. I haven't canceled anything in over a year. Another school accused me of sleeping on the job, which I certainly didn't do. I have no idea why I was accused of it. I have a part time job lined up, not related to teaching. I start next week... so I have a way of earning money. It just makes me angry that no one seems to care that I need it. I feel marginalized, like I don't belong anywhere and like a loser.Everyone else is successful... things work out for everyone else... everyone else has a place where they're accepted, and I'm unwanted wherever I go. I certainly don't see anyone else in a situation similar to mine. I feel so alone!!I look at everyone else and feel so alone... it doesn't look like other people go through similar things... I feel like I'm just a failure and that everyone is against me.I feel badly about myself, like I can't do anything right, and I'm so angry about how I've been treated that I'm going crazy. I don't feel motivated to do anything, I just feel like ****. Everyone is against me... no one cares about my problems... what are you supposed to do in this situation?I would NEVER kill myself, because everyone wants me dead. I refuse to give them the satisfaction of seeing me dead... being alive is the best revenge. I feel like I'm failing at teaching. This is what scares me so much...This happened in the public schools, in USA. But I'm scared that I'll fail as an EFL teacher, which was my ambition. I was doing this while I look for work as an EFL teacher overseas. I just got back from overseas, where I did a Tefl course. I have a Tefl certificate and I was really looking forward to teaching English abroad. Now, I'm scared that this fiasco sets a precedent. I'm scared I'm not smart enough to be a teacher. I'm scared that when I get to Spain, or to Mexico,or Korea, I'll fail at teaching EFL over there. Two things are eating a hole in me now:A, I'm terrified that maybe I'm just not smart enough to have a profession, period. That I'm just not competent enough to take care of myself and succeed in life.B, That there IS some profession that would have been perfect for me. Every day, I wonder what would have happened if I'd been a veterinarian. Stupidly I didn't become one, because I wasn't 100% sure or ready to be tied down. Now in retrospect I realize that I probably should have been a veterinarian and I regret so much that I didn't. I always made REALLY high grades in science and I love animals so much, I way prefer animals over people. And animals like me back... kids run all over me and treat me like shit... but dogs, cats, etc. like me... even the big "ferocious" breeds that everyone else is so scared of. This may have been my gift... I blew it.I look at my friends who have professions, who make handsome salaries, who are successful and I feel jealous, angry and inferior. I hate myself for failing while others succeed and I'm starting to resent my friends because I have such horrible luck.I would NEVER kill myself because I refuse to hurt my family and let the bullies win, but I'm so scared for the future... please help me.
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ambition, bullied, confidence, jealous, money, period, revenge Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2010): Thanks!!! There's no WAY I'd ever kill myself. I think we've all wanted to die... I've just been depressed.
Thanks SO MUCH for your answers, everyone!! I mean it!! Thank you for the kind words; you all are very kind.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2010): It might be helpful to talk to other Tefl teachers and listen to their experiences because they may have gone through the same thing. My best friend had a similar experience like you. (Mainly because she was the only native English speaker at her school and she was in a really small town. They all kind of picked on her because she was new to the profession.) It also might be good to contact your old professors and explain your situation to them and see if they can offer some guidance and advice as well.
In the mean time you can visit animal shelters and help out, since you say you enjoy working with animals. It also might be good to get in touch with some of your friends- meet for coffee or lunch to talk and catch up. You may find that while your friends' lives "seem" perfect, they may be going through exactly what you are going through. Find other ways to relieve stress by writing in a journal, taking a yoga class, etc.
Remember to look at all you have accomplished in life so far- getting your Tefl certificate, teaching and enriching the lives of students, and having such a bright, successful future. It is normal to be afraid of failure, but don't let this fear get in the way of you accomplishing your goals. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, dorothy2342 +, writes (17 March 2010):
 Your life isn't set in stone. You are in controll of your own destiny. If you don't like where you are or what your doing then chamge them both. If you are not receiving positive reinforcement and encouragement from the people around you, change them as well. Turn off the negative critisim surrounding you and that coming from yourself. If you won't feel great being a teacher, if you'r not fulfilled, if its not your passion and what will make you happy, then change it. But, DON'T look to other peoples opinion of you to judge yourself by. If you had rather be a vet and it will make you happy and give you a sence of accomplishment, then do it. It's not to late to start over if it will make you happy the rest of your life. But get rid of the negative bs you are surrounding yourself with and allowing to fill your head and causing you self doubt. Your future is in your hands, decide what will make you happy and go for it. BE HAPPY, be confident. Love the woman you see in the mirror.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (17 March 2010):
 Consider this training thing as and opportunity to improve your teaching style. They really may mean no malice. Can you find out who has been complaining about your teaching style? Maybe you can gain a different perspective from them, and find out what they perceive as ineffective. You care so much about this EFL thing, but you also sound really burnt out from the profession, which, I'd imagine, would happen really easily for substitute teachers, as opposed to full-time teachers.
I understand your concerns about money; why don't you say something to your boss like, you can only attend training if you were compensated for it; also, if it's your superiors growing concerned about your second job, take that opporutnity to say, I could focus 100% of my time on this job, if I were making more. Do you think you could be happy at your job if it were more secure? If not, maybe you should change occupations ( I don't really think changing schools is for the best because I'd be concerned about the references at the place you're working at currently.)
I think the unemployment rate should tell you that NO not everyone is successful right now, most people are struggling in some way even if they don't show it..good luck..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2010): I'm not quite sure what you want to hear. You seem be caught up more with the abstracted idea of being successful than the concrete accomplishments that are attendant success. If you only dream of being successful, then you have already failed. You need to trust in your own abilities as a teacher, and stop qualifying things in terms of "success" and "failure." Things can only be considered "failed" or "successful" comparatively to others, and trying to compare the context of your own life to someone else is not only a fool's errand but especially counter-productive for someone in your situation.
Being certified is certified. You've already proven through certification that you have an acceptable level of proficiency in teaching EFL, so there's no point in letting people polarize you as being unqualified against someone who has more experience. Also, if you truly feel marginalized by your coworkers then take it up with the powers that be personally and not by bureaucratic proxy.
Personally, whenever I felt my weakest I was also paradoxically my strongest as I had the least to lose. I hope you can find the latitude you need to make the most of your situation
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A
female
reader, Accountable  +, writes (16 March 2010):
 I think everyone has these fears and worries from time to time - even your most successful friends still have stresses like this in their lives, I can guarentee you that.
I'm not saying what youre going through isnt bad, because it clearly isnt the easiest thing to experience, and it sounds like you're doing a good job just hanging in there. In terms of the part-time work you've lined up, what kind of work is it? Being fired might not seem like a good thing, but you do say youve always wondered about working with animals - you could try to look at this as an opportunity to explore that field. Don't hold yourself back by thinking you dont have the right qualifications and things - I'm sure there is some job with animals you could find, whether its working in an animal rescue shelter or whatever. I also realise its a scary thing, thinking about leaving a profession you have put so much time into - but if it makes you this unhappy, you have to consider that it might be the best thing to take the plunge and try something new? If it doesnt work out, you still have all your teaching experience on your CV.
Ultimately I think you need to change your perspective on things that are happening to you. Yes, things arent exactly going your way, but don't let this defeat you, and don't feel like you're trapped in this way of life. Look for the positives - they are there! Instead of feeling resentment for your more successful friends, try to get support from them - I'm sure they would be more than happy to help you get back on your feet. And stop thinking you arent smart enough to achieve your goals - youve made it this far, and been able to teach abroad before, so you're doing something right. :) It sounds silly, but a lot of the time just changing the way you think about things can make things improve massively.
I hope things start looking up for you, write back if you need anything :)
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A
female
reader, jc82 +, writes (16 March 2010):
 First of all, since you mentioned it twice, I'm just going to reinforce this: don't kill yourself. It's selfish and wasteful, and things could really get better... so no giving up!
I don't know if this will help at all, but I recently watched a documentary about people in the lowest caste in India. One man had to sell himself into slavery for years because he wanted to borrow something like, 200 dollars to use to get married. And this guy was happy, I mean truly happy, for this "opportunity", just to be alive, and doing something. Its all about perspective.
I don't know why people at your work don't seem to like you (and you should boil it down to that, they just don't like you for whatever reason, it doesn't sound like you can't perform the job correctly). Sometimes one mean person decides you are "out" and that is it. We are not much better than children on a playground, if we are honest with ourselves. That is a shame, and I'm sorry for you, but you know a "new school" can make a big difference.
I moved abroad three years ago, and it was the best decision I have ever made. Its really an accomplishment to integrate yourself into a new country, with people who are actually different than you, and you can learn a lot about yourself that way. I would encourage you to be brave, and take an esl/tefl job. Maybe its the change in perspective you need, and you'll almost certainly come away more confident.
So, good luck to you. Don't worry so much, and try not to look so often at the big picture of "life" and "success". Sometimes the details are more important and more lovely :-)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2010): The title is, "I'm Sick of Being Bullied..." and I AM. That's so true.
But, above all, I fear for my future because I'm scared I'm not smart enough or competent enough to have much of a future.
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